Malchus and Me

By Steve Hester

Who are the true followers of Jesus?

We've heard about the fishermen, tax collectors, and Pharisees who followed him. We know about the chief priests and the scribes he argued with, some of whom converted. We've heard about the many people he healed, the lepers he cleansed, the blind whose sight he restored. We've even read about the adul

• Language: English
• Publisher: Blockhead Publishing
• Release date: Mar 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798218148638

Book preview

Contents

The Garden     1

The Trial     63

The Way of the Cross    121

Our Salvation     177

Malchus and Me

Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies...

He came to help us out.

                              -Kevin Smith, Director. Dogma.

The Garden

1

You're not going to believe what happened to Malchus and me.

There we were, minding our own business like we always do. Minding our own business, and sweating, of course. Jerusalem was always hot, this time of year, no matter what your business was.

It was Thursday of Passover weekend, and I had skipped out of work early to meet Malchus at the bar. I had just been telling him how it was too hot to sit there in Eli’s Tavern, and how we should take some wine down the shore and catch a nice sea breeze. We needed some relief from this oppressive heat.

The Greek islands had spoiled me. I suppose they were technically Roman islands now. But if you’d been there, you knew they were still Greek. And a nice sea breeze with a view of said sea was just the ticket on a hot day. But since this wasn’t a Greek island, and the shore we could conveniently get to was just the edge of a creek, it wasn’t a real suggestion.

Or we could scoot over to the Emporium to cool off for a bit. At least she’ll have the fans going, I said.

The Emporium had just about the coolest ambient temperature in Jerusalem. At least out of the places that a Roman soldier and a temple guard could comfortably hang out and day drink. It wasn’t that we wanted to sit in a brothel all day, we just wanted to drink indoors, at a comfortable temperature.

I wasn’t big on prostitutes, as a general rule, on account of Aunt Helen.

Aunt Helen had been a worker for a while, until she stabbed a client and ran off with his money. It was actually several clients, spread out all over. She worked a circuit from Bethlehem to Jezreel, and all points in between.

Once they started finding bodies, they never did find Aunt Helen. I suppose she might still be out there somewhere, working, stabbing customers, and making off with their money.

It sort of took the shine off of pandering, at least for me.

When Aunt Helen went on her killing spree, though, it made everybody forget that my mother had run off with a Roman soldier. At least for a little while. But my mother’s respite from the family scorn was short lived. Soon enough we were disinvited from family holiday gatherings once again. But honestly, I think they had only invited us over to dish on Aunt Helen anyway.

Let’s go over to Jezebel’s, then, Malchus finally agreed. She did always have that cheap beer. And the fanboys would be fanning away while they waited for a client.

Bel might have been an equal opportunity employer when it came to the professional sex side of things, but she only made the male prostitutes do the fanning. She always said that was how the sultans did it, although I wasn’t sure if she had ever been to a sultan’s palace or ever even seen a sultan.

Malchus and I split the bar tab and headed toward the door.

There was a bit of commotion up at the front of the bar as we left. I caught a glimpse of Eli arguing with two shabby hillbillies. At least they looked like hill folk to me. The argument was something about them wanting to use the upper room, and Eli not feeling their vibe.

They were saying Jesus of Nazareth sent them and they had followed Eli from the city gate. Eli was telling them that it was not good manners to follow people home. In fact, it was downright creepy and an invasion of his privacy and personal space; and it was highly inappropriate, he was saying. Even though this was also a place of business; and he did appreciate the business, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted creepy stalkers using the space upstairs. Or something to that effect.

They were not hearing it, of course. In my experience, you can’t tell an out-of-towner nothing, no how.  They’ve read the guidebook; they’ve seen the maps. They’ve plotted their course, and you, local resident, are the one who is at the wrong address. In my experience.

The big one kept telling Eli that this was the Lord’s work and to stop interfering in the Divine Plan.

We slid right past and left Eli to fend for himself.

You think they are really sent by Jesus? Malchus asked as we rounded the corner of the building and crossed the street to the alley that housed the fireworks stand, the pork butcher, and, of course, Jezebel’s House of 1000 Comforts and Exotic Incenses Emporium.

Bacon, monetized sex, and fireworks… it was one of the best alleys in Israel, and definitely the most sinful.

Well, if he is the Son of God like he says, he’ll know what was going on up in that room last weekend. He won’t want to eat Passover up there anyway, I stated, giving Malchus a wink.

Our buddy, Josiah, had held a bachelor party for his little brother up in the room last weekend. We had been in attendance, and things had gotten way, way, way out of hand. Eli was talking about paying up the insurance and lighting a match.

If he’s the Son of God, like he says, he can probably just snap his fingers and miracle it all away, Malchus argued.

Even the couch? I laughed.

Even the couch. Don’t you pay attention at all? All things are possible for God, Malchus laughed as he opened the door to the Emporium.

We stepped through the low doorway, passing from the stifling heat created by the sun into the stifling heat created by too many bodies and not enough windows. At least she always kept it smelling decent in there, despite the goings on. Bel’s Eastern Incense and carefully crafted floral arrangements covered up the smells of drunkenness, lewdness, and illicit sex.

But it was still hot.

Zeus’s goiter, it’s hotter in here, I muttered under my breath.

She still heard me, somehow.

Oh, but darling, I have just the thing to fix that, just the thing indeed. Drink this, my love, and you’ll forget all about this heat! Bel had appeared like magic, floating across the room it seemed, long wispy silk scarves trailing after her.

And how are my two favorite soldiers today? she purred as she offered us two of her finest cheap beers. She kept it down in the building's ancient cellar, so it always seemed cold. A lot of places wouldn’t go to all that trouble for the cheap beer.

She also always called us her favorite soldiers, even though Malchus technically worked for the Temple. Although he always claimed guarding the temple was just as dangerous as soldiering. But whatever.

She was right, that first beer really took the edge off the room in general, and the heat in particular. I felt myself loosening up as she took us each by the hand and led us to a cozy corner of the space. We wound through the tables, sparsely occupied at this hour. The dayshift at the Emporium was a tough shift. But it was nice and quiet for drunks like Malchus and me.

Did you hear about Jesus? Malchus slowly asked her as the medicine started taking effect.

Which Jesus? she asked.

The carpenter. From Nazareth. He wants to use Eli’s upper room.

Oh Honey! Bel exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. Even I wouldn’t go back up there, and y’all know I’m nasty!

She had a point. Things had definitely gotten out of hand at the bachelor party, especially when Bel showed up with her employees. She lowered her voice a little, and said, I dropped my good pipe behind that old crusty couch Eli has up there and I just left it, Honey. I’m not putting anything off that floor in my mouth, no sir!

You’re crazy, I tried to mumble while taking a drink, spilling it down the front of my tunic.

It was at this moment, while trying to dab beer off my front, while Malchus and Bel laughed at me of course, that Johnny burst onto the scene, and changed the course of all our lives.

Or at least marginally interrupted the afternoon. The jury’s still out on Johnny’s actual role in what transpired in Jerusalem that week.

2

Johnny was always bursting into places. It was one of many annoying habits.

I’m looking for Malchus! he shouted, absolutely full of himself. He was also always shouting. No volume control at all. It was exhausting.

Malchus? You in here? he shouted again.

Malchus turned and finally waved at him. Johnny could ruin a good time in a hurry, so I didn’t wave at all. I took one last gulp of beer as he came rushing over, signaling the end of my enjoyable afternoon.

We've got to report to the temple, right away. Big things are brewing, he said. Johnny didn’t waste any time when he knew something he thought you didn’t know.

He didn’t actually work at the temple; he couldn’t pass the entrance exam of rudimentary knowledge of Jewish laws and customs. You didn’t have to be a scholar to get a temple guard job, but you had to have some sense. Johnny Boy had none. And he was garbage at marching too. Threw the formations all out of sorts.

He did like to hang around the temple a lot though, and spread as much temple gossip as he could.

Bel jumped up from her seat at our table and began to berate Johnny about bothering her customers when he never even had the decency to pay for a girl.

Let alone one of Mama’s fine beverages! she said. She then proceeded to tell Johnny that if he didn’t get out, or buy something, she was going to tell everyone about the time he had propositioned her and how that went for him.

We had, of course, already heard about how it had gone for him. Malchus and I had known Bel for a long time, and she always told us the good stuff, or as she called it, ‘What God knows.’ She had told us about Johnny's surprise as soon as it happened. Johnny Boy had been surprised when he got her to the couch in back and found out about Bel’s status and pronouns, and apparent Gentile heritage.

Boy, you better hurry up and buy before I have to throw you out again, Bel threatened as she started to take a step toward him.

Johnny stumbled back, producing a silver coin from inside his cloak, stammering, Here, here, take it! Buy a round! I was drunk, by the way, you sicko.

Oh, honey, you would’ve loved it, Bel took the coin with a wink and a smile. You were enjoying it just fine, young man, before your religiosity got a hold of you. Another round, boys? she called over her shoulder as she sashayed off to fetch us another brew on Johnny's dime.

If you two ever breathe a word of this to anyone… Johnny’s voice trailed off.

Thanks for the beer. And not to worry, my boy, Malchus assured him. Your secret is safe with us.

And the rest of the town, I silently added. As much gossip as Johnny liked to spread, he couldn’t have been surprised that the whole town was enjoying gossiping about him. Karma and all that, I suppose.

So, what is so important that you have to track me down and kill my buzz on my day off? Malchus asked.

It’s all-hands-on-deck down at the temple. We gotta get down there, Johnny began.

Yes. You said that already, I snapped at him. This guy was wreaking havoc on my Thursday drinking agenda. Sure, he bought a round. But he really gets on my nerves.

Yes, you said that, Malchus chimed in.

Why, pray tell, must we go down there? Well not me, and not really you. But why must Malchus go down there? You can see he is in no condition to go to the temple right now, I said. 

Because, Johnny finally got out, a group of the Pharisees are getting together tonight to go meet Jesus of Nazareth. You know, the Galilean bumpkin that works the miracles?

Malchus glanced at Johnny, and asked,

Which Pharisees? Nicodemus?

This comes from Caiphas and his people. And they aren’t trying to talk theology or philosophy this time, Johnny said as he sat down at the table with us. I think it’s bad this time, he said.

They’ve tried before, I stated, half-heartedly.

Usually, there’s too many people and Jesus makes them look like the small-minded hypocrites they are. And then he always walks out of there, Malchus said.

It was true. As much as Malchus and I made fun of all religious types, including this Jesus of Nazareth, we had to admit he consistently talked circles around these Pharisees. He was always getting confronted by them and making them look stupid.

As a half fallen-away-Jew and a half-pagan-Roman, I found it hilarious.

They had tried to get him on a tax evasion question just the other day. Nobody likes paying taxes to Rome, especially not those who are the conquered people. The temple braintrust asked Jesus if it was lawful to pay the tax to Caesar or not, figuring they could trip him up.

So, Jesus had asked them whose face was on the coin. They said it was Caesar’s face, of course. And then Jesus told them, "Repay to Caesar what belongs