Russells in Time: Land Squid vs Dinosaurs

By Kevin Shamel

YOU'RE DOING TIME TRAVEL!

It's the year 2001... No, it's 2022? No...

It's the future, with land-squids and kidnapped celebrities in super suits.

Squid are the dominant species eighty million years from now. But they have a problem: Dinosaurs are coming home.

Fear, greed, xe

• Language: English
• Publisher: Planet Bizarro
• Release date: May 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9781915546159

Book preview

Copyright © 2023 by Kevin Shamel

All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher or author, except as permitted by U.K. copyright law.

Russells in Time

Kevin Shamel

image-placeholder

Planet Bizarro Press

Contents

Blap!

1. Chapter One

2. Chapter Two

3. Chapter Three

4. Chapter Four

5. Chapter Five

6. Chapter Six

7. Chapter Seven

8. Chapter Eight

9. Chapter Nine

10. Chapter Ten

About the Author

Other Titles from Planet Bizarro

Blap!

It’s the year 2001. Sorry. I know it was not just a second ago. Imagine how the people you’ll soon read about feel—they take a much bigger leap than you. Oh, and before you meet them, that’s the whole purpose of taking you back in time. These aren’t the people you know now. They’re the ones from then, years before the world ended in 2012 and all this weird stuff started happening like the Mandela Effect and Trumpism. And I guess, since things end up the way they do, they’re from a different timeline, or dimension, or whatever.

At any rate, you may not recognize these celebrities. That’s because they’re the ones from at least twenty-one years ago. Time can change some stuff and these people have grown. And what do we really know about them other than what the media has presented about them, anyway? So, I brought you here, where they were then (as we knew them).

Again, sorry. But it’s to tell you this cool story. And you can go back when you’re done reading it—with no threats or demands from weird future creatures. You can even take breaks from being here whenever you want. Besides, remember the innocence of 2001? Surviving Y2K and worried only about mundane, silly things like terrorism… What a lovely, peaceful period. It will be great to go back. Even if you weren’t yet born. Maybe especially then.

So, it’s 2001 right now. (Because when I wrote this book, I put it ten years in my past. And now it’s being published in the early 2020s. Time is freakin’ crazy. It’s like it doesn’t really exist or something.)

Chapter One

Lightning flashed through the cabin of the small airplane. Keri screamed just before another crack of thunder.

Aw, stop your gob! It’s loud enough in here without it. Russell stressed his point by slapping his hands over his ears.

Blue-white light flashed.

Keri yelled across the aisle, Fuck you, Russell! We could die!

He bugged his eyes and frantically nodded. A huge smile stretched across his stubbly face.

The jet dipped and whined in the storm.

Fuck you! Keri yelled, covering her ears.

Russell smiled.

Kurt moved back to sit beside Keri. It’s okay, he told her. I’ve been in this situation before. Even if lightning strikes the plane, we’ll still be okay.

That isn’t true, sing-sang Russell.

Shut up, Brand! Kurt yelled. He slid an arm around Keri’s shoulders.

The plane dipped and shot upward. Its interior lights flickered. Its engines grew loud.

Thunder boomed.

I hate little planes! screamed Keri Russell.

They hate you back! yelled Russell Brand.

"Shut up!" shouted Kurt Russell.

Light flashed through the plane. Keri covered her eyes.

Goddamn! Kurt looked across the aisle at Russell. Just knock it off, okay? Leave her alone.

Thunder.

Aw, Keri knows I’m jus’ fuckin’ with ‘er. She loves me.

Fuck you, Russell! Keri answered.

Great booming thunder.

See? the Brit asked.

Kurt looked toward the cockpit door. Can’t they take us above the storm? he yelled.

The flight attendant, who’d spent the night partying with Russell Brand (remember, this was in 2001) and was in no way prepared for the flight, called from her jump-seat, Just buckle-up. This happens all the time! She burped, nearly vomiting as the plane lurched.

The pilot’s voice came over the intercom. Sorry, folks. This storm didn’t look so bad on radar. We’re heading away from it. Shouldn’t be too much longer and we’ll be out. Apologies from the crew.

See? Everyfing’s fine. Russell smiled, putting his hands behind his head and leaning his seat back.

Lightning strobed through the cabin and thunder rocked the plane.

Keri let Kurt bury her head in his chest. He smelled like lemons, sweat, and amber resin. She found it very comforting.

Aw, that’s sweet, said Russell.

Kurt looked over at the comedian. Seriously, that’s enough.

Russell gave him wide eyes and dorky smile. He considered sticking out his tongue, but thought better. He still sometimes imagined Kurt Russell as Snake Pliskin.

Thunder boomed. Lightning flashed.

The pilot’s voice came from the speakers, I can see daylight ahead, folks. Dawn, you should be able to start getting some dinner ready for our guests.

I’ll take tea, suggested Russell, sitting up straight, raising a finger, and smiling at Dawn—that little airplaney vixen.

Thunder grumbled. The engines whined.

The captain’s voice continued, We should be arriving in Las Vegas in just under an hour. Your car is ready at the hangar. I’ve been in— Holy shit! What the fuck is that?!

Keri bolted upright, wiping away tears. What?

Kurt stared at the cockpit door.

Russell motioned for Dawn, who was unstrapping from the jump-seat. She opened the cockpit door, knowing full-well that Captain Cheskyvere would never swear into the intercom unless there was very good reason.

Opening the cockpit door afforded her and the passengers a view through the forward windscreen.

They saw what the pilot and copilot saw—an expanding ball of blue-white light. It ate the clouds and burned the rain away. They could hear it sizzling above the engines of the plane. It swallowed thunder and spat it out as a constant drumbeat.

The globe of white fire grew gigantic in front of them, filling the sky.

Keri screamed.

Russell joined her, sitting straight and slapping his seatback upright. He buckled up.

Kurt whispered, What the fuck is that? He squeezed Keri too hard.

Dawn fell to the floor unconscious.

The pilots threw their arms up over their eyes.

The plane sped into the growing light. The people inside were blinded by its brightness and deafened by the shaking slow boom of continuous thunder.

The plane’s engines cut out. Whistling and popping sounds filled the cabin as burning whiteness poured around it. Wide-eyed, open-mouthed and stunned dumb, the passengers and crew slid into the roiling mass of light.

Then blackness and falling.

The plane dropped from an inky sky.

Everyone inside, except Dawn, who was unconscious and stuck to the ceiling, screamed. The pilots, still blind, worked at restarting engines and coaxing the plane to fly.

Fuck this! yelled Russell Brand.

"Fuck you!" screamed Keri Russell.

Shut UP! shouted Kurt Russell. He squeezed Keri harder.

Get off me you stinky old man! she pushed at him.

We’re plunging to our deaths! he answered.

Oy! said Russell.

An engine sputtered. The plane lurched.

Yeah! yelled the co-pilot.

Both engines ignited. The plane shot forward and climbed.

Dawn smashed into the floor and rolled. Russell tried to catch her as she bumped into the air and flew past him as the plane shot upward. She tumbled over the seats behind him and crashed into the bathroom door, sticking to it as the plane gained altitude.

Keri cried—her face buried in Kurt’s shirt.

Kurt strained to see through the cockpit. The sky was black. No storm. No giant ball of light.

Fuck! What now? shouted the pilot into the intercom.

Warning claxons sounded. Lights flashed in the cockpit.

Russell began a steady stream of swearing.

What’s happening? Kurt yelled to the pilots.

They ignored him.

The airplane leveled off. Dawn fell to the floor, her legs caught up on an armrest. Kurt looked out the window over Keri’s curls. The night was clear. There was a second of silence. Moonlight reflected off the wing of the small jet.

The plane plunged nose-first. Dawn bounced forward along the tops of a few seats before getting wedged between two.

The wind shrieked along with Keri Russell, Russell Brand, Kurt Russell, two airplane engines and two airplane pilots.

The plane crashed.

image-placeholder

Keri awoke to the smell of lemons, sweat, amber resin and urine. And burning plastic. Something warm and sticky was under her head. She heard the ocean. She heard birds. She opened her eyes. The sun shone brightly.

She was lying across Kurt Russell, who was on his back