I Wish I Could Forget

By Paul Smith

This is the story of Seth, registered nurse, and his fight for an accurate mental health diagnosis. Read through Seth's life and determine for yourself what the cause of Seth's post-traumatic stress disorder is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Feb 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9780228889854

Paul Smith

PAUL SMITH is a dedicated father of two and an expert trainer in leadership and storytelling techniques. As the author of the popular Lead with a Story, he has seen his work featured in The Wall Street Journal, Time, Forbes, The Washington Post, Success, and Investor's Business Daily, among others.

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Copyright © 2023 by Paul Smith

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-0-2288-8984-7 (Hardcover)

978-0-2288-8983-0 (Paperback)

978-0-2288-8985-4 (eBook)

Dedicated to Radar, my loving friend, companion and Doberman. Rest now, gentle puppy. Enjoy the other side of the rainbow bridge.

Other Books by Paul Smith:

Wizard War: An Introduction to Magic

A Nurse’s Story: A Memoir about Murder, PS752 and Psychiatric Malpractice

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

1

Seth splashed cold water on his face; he’d just been sleepwalking again. The nightmare about a patient he lost as a nurse. He turned off the lights and closed the bathroom door on his way out. He was naked. This has got to stop. What is wrong with me? he thought to himself.

His sleep was now routinely disrupted. He was constantly thinking about the ICU he’d worked in up north. Seth was thirty-six years old and a registered nurse. He walked naked down the hallway, his slight pudge jiggling as he walked. His circumcised penis naturally waggled back and forth. In bed was his dog, a Yorkshire terrier named Hobbs. He looked at Hobbs and started to cry. He was off the next day. He told Hobbs, For you, buddy, I’ll go see the doctor.

After getting dressed, Seth went down to the medical walk-in clinic near the bungalow where he lived in Nanaimo, British Columbia. The waiting room was packed and the receptionist told him there was a forty-five minute wait. When the doctor saw him it was very quick. Seth uttered the words, I feel like killing myself, and the doctor put him on an antidepressant. It all took ten minutes or less.

The following day, Seth went to work at Nanaimo Regional General Hospital. He was falling apart at work. He thought that maybe he was just having trouble adjusting to a large ICU, having come from a small, one-nurse ICU. After being put on the antidepressant, Effexor, he’d become a human waterfall. He would be standing over an intubated patient and dripping sweat on them. Eventually, it was suggested he go home until he stabilized on his meds.

Yet at night, the bad dreams still came. He woke up, naked, sweating, trying to find the patient he was dreaming of. The nightmares appeared to be linked to his time in the tiny, rural ICU. The only things that kept him going were his dog Hobbs and his dad. What would they do without him? Trying to keep it together, he went back to the walk-in clinic and told the doctor the meds weren’t working, that he was having difficulty staying hydrated because of how much he was sweating. The doctor didn’t ask him any more questions; he just switched the mediation to Wellbutrin. Seth decided to make an appointment with his family doctor, but trying to explain in ten minutes or less what was happening inside his head proved to be impossible. Months went by, and there was no improvement. The meds made him exhausted at night and were a problem for his nightshifts, but the doctors didn’t take this into account when assessing him.

Looking at his dog, Seth knew he had to keep trying to seek appropriate help. He made another doctor’s appointment. At this appointment, he asked for a referral to a psychiatrist. At the same time, he was terrified of seeing a psychiatrist because of the Deemed Consent law in British Columbia, which allows psychiatrists to dictate treatment without a patient’s consent.

2

At five years old, Seth was living with his dad after his parents had divorced and his mom moved back to Washington state. It was the May Days fair in Ladner, BC, and his dad had brought along Holly. She had curly black hair and drove an old blue Cadillac. Seth was oblivious to what was going on between his dad and Holly dating-wise, but suddenly this new woman was talking to Seth about going on the octopus ride. Seth said he was too short but Holly explained that he was allowed to go on with an adult.

The two went on the ride while his dad stood and watched. Holly was very protective of Seth on the ride, ensuring he didn’t get hurt. She was trying to show his dad that she would be a good mom, but it just made Seth feel uncomfortable.

Seth’s dad was a good, kind, loyal man. A former non-commissioned officer who had served on navy ships, he was working at Pacific Press as a pressman, printing the Province and Vancouver Sun newspapers. He made good money. While very kind, he was also rather gullible.

The day came when Seth and his dad moved into Holly’s house. Things were good at first. Then came one night where, to this day, Seth does not know what he did wrong. Holly appeared in his room and slapped him hard across the face with her open hand. Seth remembers crying and telling his dad, She hit me, and his dad’s only response being, Maybe you deserved it. The abuse got worse over the years, but it only ever happened when dad