All I Have Is Me

By K.L. Smith

All I Have Is Me is a fictional novel that tells the story of how the Logan family grieves and suffers after their lives are broken and shattered by the loss of their teenaged daughter in an automobile accident. The parents blame the death on their younger daughter, Theresa, who is driving the car. The story is told from Theresa’s viewpoint. Life as Theresa has known it changes forever in a matter of seconds. With the death of her older sister, there is no longer any warmth, happiness, or love in the family’s life.

Theresa is heavily burdened watching her parents’ endless grief. She becomes tired of being the recipient of the accusatory looks of disappointment and hurt from her parents. She feels that no one cares if she lives or dies. After a failed suicide attempt, Theresa decides to do her best to stay out of her parents’ way and bide her time until she can graduate from high school and leave home.

Upon high school graduation, she joins the army because she has nowhere else to go. The army provides all her basic needs for survival. The army becomes her life for twenty years. Theresa learns to exist and function without allowing herself to get emotionally involved in life.

After retirement from the military, Theresa feels a need to put down roots. She stumbles upon an old dilapidated farm cottage in a small community. She feels a connection to the empty cottage that no one cares for or loves. Theresa finds that as she repairs the flaws and cracks in the old cottage and brings it back to life, she is also repairing the flaws and cracks in her own life. She renews her faith in God. By accepting love from others, the story tells how Theresa is able to find joy and beauty in living as she allows herself to love, forgive herself, and learn to live again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9781639614011

Book preview

Raging Bull

Thirty-eight-year-old Theresa Logan used a good portion of her savings to buy a one-hundred-acre farm in Gaston, North Carolina. It came with a four-room dilapidated farm cottage with no inside plumbing and a leaking tin roof. Theresa was raised in a poor family. She grew up helping her father maintain five rental houses for their landlord. She helped him reroof houses, paint inside and outside walls, replace and install windows, repair and replace plumbing, install electrical wiring, and carpentry work of all kinds. She was most proud of her carpentry skills.

Today Theresa was repairing the blue tin roof and sealing the leaks with hot tar. It was July 21, 1981, and over one hundred degrees, with humidity saturating the air. It was stifling hot. She was working alone. She had installed a network of safety ropes tied to trees to ensure that if she should lose her footing, the ropes would prevent her from crashing to the ground. Her father had stressed that a first repair to any house was to repair a leaking roof before proceeding with any inside work.

She thought about her father. He was a hardworking man. He worked full-time as a foreman at the textile mill in High Point, North Carolina. The maintenance work was a side job. He maintained the houses in exchange for the rent on the house that the family lived in. He always had one or two side jobs to help support their family. He was seldom home.

Home was just a feeling. She had not seen anyone in her family in over twenty years. At this moment, she wished she could go home. She felt like she was a long way from home. She had a feeling of homesickness. She wanted to be a child again with her parents and sibling. Theresa had been separated from her family this long time. Her mother had disowned her. This is the kind of homesickness that she felt. Maybe if she could go back and start all over again, she would make different choices.

It did not make sense to her. Why was she feeling this way? She thought she had accepted that her family did not want her in their lives. She had this big empty feeling inside. She felt like running away, or trying to catch up, or finding something that she had lost. She did not know which it was. How could she find what she was looking for? She felt like she had unfinished business with her family. They had not parted under the best of terms. She had an overpowering feeling that time was running out. This scared her.

It was scorching hot under the July sun. She made the necessary repairs to her roof. It was a relief to be back on the ground, under the shade of an old oak tree with a tall glass of sweet iced tea. She had moved to the property three days ago. Theresa had cleaned, scoured, and scrubbed everything inside the cottage. She had replaced rotten window sashes and broken window panes. The basic bones of the cottage were sturdy.

Her next job was to install inside plumbing. Using the outhouse and bathing in a galvanized cattle trough was getting old fast. She had taken a job as a registered nurse at the small rural hospital across the border in Virginia. She would begin orientation in less than two weeks. Her immediate goal was to make the cottage as livable as possible before she had to report for duty.

The kitchen and bathroom fixtures were due to be delivered early tomorrow morning and would be installed by the crew from the plumbing supply warehouse. A new well and septic system had been installed yesterday, and waterlines had been run to the house ready for the plumbers to run the necessary pipes into the house. She was using the hand pump located in her backyard. She planned to leave the old rusty hand pump in the yard. She liked the idea of having the pump if for no other reason than the old pump reminded her of the farmhouse her family once lived in. She remembered some happy family times on that farm. Her family’s happiness seemed so far back into the past. There was no reason to dwell too much in the past. Remembering caused too much pain. There was nothing she could do to change the past, no matter how much she wanted to.

The roof repairs had taken most of the day. The sun was getting low on the western horizon. It was time to rustle up some supper. Theresa was a fairly good cook, but cooking for one person seemed like a waste of time. She would open a can of Vienna sausages and a can of pork and beans. Afterward, she planned to take a soak in the galvanized cattle trough that had been warming all day in the baking sun. The hot water would feel good to her aching muscles. Add some vanilla bubble bath and that would make it a sumptuous experience.

As Theresa soaked in the luxurious vanilla bubble bath, she could feel the tiredness washing from her body. The only sounds surrounding her were the sounds of the singing birds and chattering squirrels. This was a peaceful place. Peace is what she was looking for when she bought this property.

Suddenly, her peace was interrupted by a raging bull charging past her followed closely by a man on a horse. The man’s twirling lasso roped the bull. The struggling bull put up quite the fight. Theresa watched as the man brought the bull under control. Theresa was struck by the strength and skill of the tall handsome stranger.

In all of the commotion, Theresa had forgotten that she was sitting naked in her bath covered only by the vanilla bubbles. The man righted the bull and tied a harness around the animal. As if seeing a naked woman soaking in a tub was a normal everyday occurrence, the man turned to her, tipped his white cowboy hat, and uttered, Ma’am.

He mounted his horse and trotted away with the bull in tow, leaving Theresa to wonder who this tall handsome man was, and if she could expect such invasions in the future. He was definitely something pretty to look at, with his darkly tanned complexion, his thick blond hair, and his clear icy water-blue eyes. He stood about six and a half feet tall with broad muscular shoulders. He had a deep sexy voice. He was a gorgeous specimen of a man. He was a long, tall drink of water.

Theresa immediately chastised herself for having such feelings. She did not mind having a man as a friend. She had no intentions of getting too close to anyone, male or female. She did not want to get hurt. She did not need anyone in her life to complicate things.

The Neighbor

After a good night’s rest, Theresa was up before the sun. She loved mornings. Mornings were a quiet and peaceful time. Watching the world wake up with a hot cup of coffee was one of her favorite things in life. Having a peaceful beginning to each day helped make the day better. There was dew or frost on the grass the early part of day. Tiny drops of moisture waiting for the sun. Mornings brought back memories from her childhood. Some memories were good, and some were bad. She remembered her mother and all the nice and pretty things she told her and her sister when they were little. Her mother did not tell them that everything in life was beautiful. She made them aware that there was pain and suffering in life. That there was good and evil. She told them that hard work was a part of life. Theresa was no stranger to hard work. That’s how she was raised.

Her father’s words still echoed in her head from long ago: There’s nothing like a hard exhausting day of intensive labor to make sleep come instantly. Working hard brings a restful night of sleep. And her mother’s words: Idleness is the devil’s playground. Keep busy with productive activities to keep from falling into the pits of destruction.

Her head was full of memories from her childhood. Things that her mother and father told her. How it felt to be a part of a loving family. She could still feel the pain and hurt that had separated her from the family over twenty years ago. Her past had ruled her life. She wondered if she would ever be able to come to terms with the past.

The US Army had been her life for the past twenty years. All she had was herself. The government had provided all her physical needs. She had not accumulated many material things. Mostly everything she owned fit into the army-issued duffel bag. Theresa owned a 1978 Harley-Davidson lowrider. Riding the speeding Harley down long country backroads into the wind was liberating and helped clear the cluttered past from her mind.

Last month, she retired from the military. Her last assigned base was Fort Bragg. As she rode the Harley away from Fayetteville, North Carolina, she had no idea where she was headed. Theresa visited High Point, North Carolina. She traveled to her childhood home. The house was vacant and in a state of disrepair. As she sat on the Harley looking at the house, she could remember her father coming home from a hard day’s work at the mill in his mint green 1955 Chrysler. She could hear the screen door slamming and hear her mother’s voice calling the family to supper. Theresa could hear the sweet voice of her older sister. Joy Rene was alive and happy back then. She and Joy Rene had been anxious to hurry and grow up and go out into the world and find the place where they best fit.

Theresa’s last stop in High Point was the gravesite of Joy Rene. This was the first time she had visited the grave since June 15, 1958. That was the day of Joy Rene’s funeral. There was a fresh flower arrangement on the grave. She read the carved words on the headstone: Beloved Daughter Joy Rene Logan, Born May 4, 1940, Died June 13, 1958. Theresa was surprised to see a headstone with her father’s name: Devoted Husband and Father Thomas Walter Logan, Born October 3, 1918, Died November 24, 1966. She was serving in Vietnam in 1966 on the day her father died. The fresh flowers on his grave were identical to the flowers on Joy Rene’s grave. They were most probably placed on the graves by her mother.

Theresa could not linger too long at the graves. The painful memories cut too deeply. After high school graduation, she forged her father’s name and joined the army. She left town on June 20, 1961. Theresa placed a quarter on Joy Rene’s headstone and whispered, Our family died with you. If I could trade places with you, I would. If I could change that awful day that you died, I would. The Lord knows I have lived that day over and over many times in my mind. It has haunted my sleep. It has affected my life. May you rest in peace, my sweet sister. One day, I hope the truth will be known, and I can find peace too. I love you. She placed a penny on her father’s headstone and tearfully whispered, Daddy, I’m so sorry things ended the way they did. I love you and Mama. I had to leave. I could no longer stand the way the two of you looked at me after Joy Rene died. I know that I was a bottomless pit of disappointment to you and Mama. I just could not stand seeing the two of you suffer knowing that you blamed me for the accident. I suffer the same pain. I wish I could take that day back. I really do. Daddy, I hope that you and Joy Rene are in heaven together. I’ve always heard that on earth, we do not know God’s reasons for the things that happen in our lives. God has the master plan for our lives, and he has a reason for everything that happens. I’ve always heard that one day, God will let us see why things happened in our lives the way they did. I hope by now you know the truth.

Theresa sped off on the Harley. Running from the past. Nothing in her past was easy to remember. She felt adrift. The accident was terrible to think about, and there was no easy way to talk about it. She rode aimlessly until the sun started to set. She found herself in Gaston, North Carolina. She saw the For Sale sign on the highway. She rode the Harley down the long dirt road to an old farm cottage. There was a familiar sadness about the abandoned cottage that spoke to her soul. The cottage reminded her of herself. Both she and the cottage were unloved, with no one to care for them. Theresa saw the big barn, a large shed, animal stables, a smokehouse, and several chicken coops. All these abandoned structures had once held life. They all had once filled a need and were cared for by someone. Just as she had once felt needed and had been loved and cared for. There was a peacefulness about this place. She decided to camp out for the night on the property. The next day, she decided to see about buying the abandoned cottage and property that nobody cared for. Maybe she and the property could feel love and peace with one another.

During her army career, she had saved most of her salary. Buying this property had been her first attempt at putting down roots. At thirty-eight years old, she felt it was time. Theresa was just finishing her third cup of coffee and a fried egg sandwich when the plumbers arrived. Their work would take most of the day. She met the five-man crew and gave detailed plans for the plumbing.

Gus West was the crew chief. She instructed him, "I want the outside shower next to the woods in the shower shed that I built there. Inside the house, I have partitioned off an area in the spare bedroom for the bathroom. The closet has been redesigned as a linen closet. I want the soaking tub installed under the window and the shower stall next to the commode. Install the two sinks two feet apart on the wall next to the door in front of the commode. I will build the counters around the sinks later. In the kitchen, place the sink under the kitchen window next to the gas stove. I will build a counter around the country sink later. The hot water heater should go in the pantry next to the kitchen. I need plumbing for a washer by the hot water heater. I have removed some shelves to make room for the hot water heater and the washer and dryer.

Here are the plans that I have drawn for the plumbing. I have run the electrical wires from the new breaker box, and if you need additional wiring, let me know and I will run whatever you need. In my twenty years in the military, I had time to attend many classes, and I am a licensed electrician. I am also a licensed plumber, but I cannot handle all the plumbing fixtures without assistance. Let me know if you need anything. I will be painting the walls in my living room and bedroom.

As Theresa painted the walls of her living room, her mind drifted. She loved the powder blue color of the paint. It was a peaceful color. At the beginning of her military career, she was an army medic. The army encouraged her to become a registered nurse. She had nothing better to do with her time than to attend nursing school. Throwing herself into her work and studies kept her mind occupied and off hurtful memories. She utilized diversional activities and other coping skills. Theresa served two tours of duty in Vietnam. She enjoyed her assignment in Germany. Her best assignment was her three years in Puerto Rico. Maybe she would go back to Puerto Rico one day. The paint color reminded her of the clear blue waters off the coast of Puerto Rico.

Before she realized it, she had finished painting the living room. She decided to take a break and check on the progress of the plumbers. They had finished the bathroom and were working in the kitchen.

Gus greeted her, We’ll be through in a couple of hours. My crew took our lunch down by the river. I hope you don’t mind. You’ve got a nice place to fish down there. Your blueberry bushes are loaded with berries. They need picking.

Thank you, Gus. I don’t mind your men taking lunch by the river. Your crew has done a good job on the plumbing. If you would like, you and your crew can pick some of the berries. All I ask is that you pick a bucket for me.

Miss Logan, that would be mighty nice. My wife makes the best blueberry pies you ever set your teeth into.

Theresa had not walked the entire property yet. She had been to the river, and it was a nice place for fishing. She decided to go fishing before dark and see if she could catch some fish for her supper. A blueberry cobbler would be good too. Theresa walked around outside to stretch her legs. The outside shower was installed. She had so many ideas and plans for this place. She remembered that her mother called fixing up a house to prepare it for living, nesting. Nesting sounded like a good thing to do.

Theresa went back in and started painting the bedroom. She had chosen a blush rose for the bedroom. She had not bought furniture yet. She was presently sleeping on top of a sleeping bag on the oak floor. She had salvaged an oak table and six matching chairs in the kitchen. After a sanding and a coat of stain, they served well in the kitchen. There was also a solid oak antique dressing vanity and a matching chest of drawers in the bedroom. The vanity needed a new mirror, and both pieces needed refinishing. There were several oak end tables that needed refinishing in the living room. The small gas stove in the kitchen cleaned up nicely. Her first purchases would be a refrigerator-freezer, a washer and dryer, and a mattress and box springs. The rest of the furniture would have to wait until she started earning a salary.

Gus tapped on the bedroom door. Miss Logan, we are finished. Thank you for the blueberries. We left a peck of blueberries on the table in your kitchen. We found some baskets and buckets in the barn. If you haven’t already, you may want to take a look in your barn. There is a nice woodworking shop out there and some nice pieces of furniture. It has been a pleasure working here today. You have a nice place here. You are a good painter also. The living room looks nice, and the pink is a perfect color for a bedroom. If you need us for any plumbing in the future, give us a call. I have left my card on your kitchen table.

Theresa walked out with him. Gus, I am impressed with the job that your crew has done for me. Your men have cleaned up nicely behind themselves. I will certainly call you for any work I need in the future. Thank you.

Miss Logan, I am a good maintenance man and a good farmer. If you need any help with planting and harvesting or any help with livestock, I’m the man for the job.

Gus, I’m not sure what my plans are at the present time. I will keep you in mind if I decide to farm or keep livestock. This is all new for me. I’ve got your card.

Theresa stood and waved as the plumbers drove away on the long dirt road. She would finish painting her bedroom and call it quits for the day. She was looking forward to fresh caught fish for supper and a blueberry cobbler.

As Theresa walked back to the house from the river with three large-mouth bass on a string, she noticed a huge black bull among the blueberry bushes. He looked like the same bull she had seen yesterday. He was not raging today. He seemed very docile as he ate his fill of blueberries, bushes and all. She did not want to startle the bull and cause him to behave as he was doing yesterday. As she slowly approached him, she spoke in a soothing voice, Hello, big fellow. Are you enjoying eating my blueberries, bushes and all? Are you, my neighbor? You are a fine-looking bull. I wonder what your family calls you?

She was surprised when the bull came slowly toward her and started licking her arm. His tongue was rough against her skin. Theresa set her fish down and gently rubbed the bull’s face. The bull seemed to like the attention. Well, Mr. Bull, you are as gentle as a baby kitten. You are just a sweet big baby bull.

A deep sexy voice behind her said, Revelation is big all right, but I’ll assure you he is no sweet baby. He can be as mean and ornery as a rattler when he’s of a mind to be. Has he been eating your blueberry bushes again? He has an affinity for blueberry bushes. I am having a hard time keeping him away from them.

Theresa turned to face the same tall handsome man she had seen yesterday. He was on foot today. There was something special about this man that drew Theresa to him. She responded, He is a fine-looking bull. I’m glad he is showing me his sweet and gentle side today. I remember the two of you from yesterday. He did seem to be enjoying the blueberry bushes. I’m Theresa Logan, the new owner of this property. Do you own the land next to me?

It’s nice to meet you. I’m Travis Hawkins, and I own the farm to the right of your property. The property to your left is owned by a bastard of a man. He’s a retired army general from WWII. He is extremely difficult to get along with. I don’t know what it is with retired military people. The longer they stay in the service, the crustier they get. They get used to giving orders and seem to think the world should jump and obey their orders. I served my time and got out. Four years was more than enough for me. I would have introduced myself yesterday, but it did not seem to be the appropriate thing to do at the time.

Yes. I have indoor plumbing now and will not be bathing outside in the future. I have three nice bass here. If you would like to share my table this evening, you are welcome to join me. I have a blueberry cobbler ready to put together and place into the oven. I will clean and cook the fish while the cobbler is baking. I’ll fry some potatoes to go with the fish. I believe Revelation has already had his fill of blueberry bushes for supper.

Travis could not keep his eyes off Theresa. Her short cropped black hair played well with her olive complexion. She stood about five feet and five inches tall. Her lean, shapely body was well-toned. She moved with the grace of a swan. Her beautiful ebony eyes drew him in. Travis got lost in her eyes. For a moment, he was speechless. All he could do was stare. It had been a long time since a woman had stirred up feelings of desire in him.

Theresa stood looking at Travis waiting for a response. She finally asked, What’s wrong? Has the cat got your tongue?

Travis laughed and said, I guess the cat had a hold of it for just a moment. If it’s not too much trouble, Theresa, I would love to join you for supper. But I insist on cleaning the fish. Are you planning to bake them or panfry them?

I plan to panfry them in salted butter. My oven is not very big. The cobbler will take up most of the oven space. I don’t have much furniture right now. My cottage is a work in progress. This will be my first real home in a long time.

Where did you live before coming here?

Fort Bragg. I am retired from the United States Army Nurse Corps. My last assignment was Womack Army Hospital.

Now I’m embarrassed! I spoke out of school. I have the utmost respect for army nurses. They were the angels in Vietnam. Where you there?

I served two tours of duty in Vietnam. One tour in Cam Ranh Bay and one in Da Nang. I served twenty years, and I was proud to do it. I’m presently attempting to put down roots. This place seems like a good place to do it. Travis, do you have a family?

"My parents live in Florida. I am the oldest of six children. My siblings are scattered all over the country. I ended up in Gaston because I married a girl from here. We settled here in 1970, after I served four years in the air force. My wife was killed in an automobile accident on her way home from work two years ago. We did not have any children. So it’s just me and my animals. I raise peanuts, cotton, sorghum, sweet potatoes, and soybeans. The soil around here is good for farming.

The old man that owned your property died last year. He was a good neighbor. He had no living family. Before he died, he let this cottage go to shit. The work you’ve done here looks good. I’m glad to see someone move in here and bring it back to life. Gaston is a good place to put down roots. Welcome to our community. You’ve got some good soil on your property. Mr. Carter had a woodworking shop in the barn. He made and sold some beautiful pieces of furniture. He also refinished some nice antique pieces.

Travis was good company to Theresa. The couple enjoyed the simple supper together. Travis helped Theresa clean the kitchen after dinner. She stood on the back porch and waved as Travis lead Revelation home. It was good to have a neighbor to talk to. He had stirred some feelings in her that made her a little uneasy. She could not help being attracted to him. Travis had done some hurting too. He had lost his wife in an accident. That had to be a hard thing to suffer through.

Both Gus and Travis had mentioned the woodshop in the barn. With morning’s first light, she would take a look in the barn.

The Woodshop

Early to bed and early to rise. Theresa was again up before the sun. She had enjoyed another night of peaceful and restful sleep. This place gave her the peace she had been searching for most of her adult life. It already felt like home. She sat on the back porch with a big cup of coffee watching the world wake up. The back porch faced the eastern horizon. She could see the sun rising a sliver at a time as the birds flew out of their roosts in search of their first meal of the day. She planned to have leftover blueberry cobbler for breakfast.

Theresa was going to use the second bedroom of the four-room cottage as a big closet and sewing room. It would serve as her office too. Her mother had taught her and Joy Rene to sew when they were knee high to a grasshopper. Her mother and father taught them so many of life’s useful skills.

With a good helping of blueberry cobbler under her belt, Theresa’s first plan for today was to explore the barn and see the woodshop. She planned to get the new bathroom and big closet painted, and shelves built and rods made on which to hang her few clothes. She had very few clothes. The military issued the basic necessities, and that had sufficed for the past twenty years. She needed to buy civilian scrubs to wear in her new job. There were so many things to do before she had to report to work.

She would probably have time to build the cabinets in the bathroom and kitchen today. Tomorrow she would have to go into town to buy a clothes washer and dryer, a refrigerator-freezer, a mattress and box springs, and some suitable scrubs to wear for work. She had no way of keeping any foods that needed refrigeration. That greatly reduced her food choices. She planned to shop in Virginia because the sales taxes were much lower than they were in North Carolina. She was only six miles from the Virginia border. Stores in Virginia delivered to Gaston.

Theresa was instantly surprised when she opened the double barn doors. Her eyes fell upon many beautiful pieces of furniture in various stages of completion. There was a beautiful oak buffet and hutch that would fit perfectly in her kitchen. She found an oak cannonball headboard with side and foot railings that would work well in her bedroom. She was excited to see a professional table saw, just like the one her father had. He had taught her to use it. Next to the table saw was a scroll saw. There were many pieces of cured oakwood just waiting to be made into cabinets and other beautiful pieces.

In a corner, she saw an antique Singer sewing machine in a cabinet and pedestal. This was like the sewing machine her father’s mother, Grandma Minnie, had given to her mother. It had belonged to her great-grandmother on her father’s side of the family. Her mother taught her and Joy Rene how to operate the sewing machine powered by the foot pedal. The sewing machine needed cleaning and oiling. She looked forward to making curtains and clothes. She found two oscillating table fans and two box fans. She felt like a child in a toy shop. The barn was full of treasures.

Mr. Carter obviously spent a great deal of time in his woodshop. There was a cot and a large wood heater. On top of the wood heater was a nice set of cast-iron pots. A 1950s-looking Kelvinator refrigerator with a small freezer compartment stood in a corner. On a counter was a portable cooktop with a percolator coffeepot. Theresa plugged in the refrigerator and heard the motor start humming. It was in good condition. It needed a good scrubbing. If it worked okay, maybe she could ask Travis to help her move it to her kitchen.

Theresa took the four fans back to the cottage and cleaned them. They were