Bumps and Bruises: A Surgeon's Reflections on Life

By Steven R. Hoer M.D.

Daily choices and decisions over time determine whether we attain the happiness and success for which we all desperately yearn, or whether we encounter the bumps and bruises in life. Bumps and Bruises is a book of principles formulated over twenty-eight years of observation, experience, and counsel with thousands of individuals coping with disappointments, failed expectations, strained relationships, and broken dreams. From the vantage point of a physician, Dr. Hoer approaches the challenges we face in life much like treating a sickness. We first have to make the correct diagnosis, to understand the origin of our discomfort. We then make the best treatment plan, a plan of action to get better, and learn habits and practices to prevent the ill health that plagues us all. Bumps and Bruises is a refreshing new look at life based on multiple sources of wisdom and inspiration to guide us through these unprecedented, troubled times in which we live.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662452475

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Bumps and Bruises

A Surgeon's Reflections on Life

Steven R. Hoer, M.D.

Copyright © 2022 Steven R. Hoer, M.D.

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2022

ISBN 978-1-6624-5246-8 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-5247-5 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Overview

Making The Diagnosis

Perspective

Expectations

Opposition

Change Based on Truth

Prescribing The Treatment

The Five Rs (Steps of Change)

Potential

Prioritize/Focus

CREIDS

Things Take Time

Preventative Medicine

Learning from Mistakes

Competition

Excuses

Critics

References

About the Author

Acknowledgments

I am grateful for the army of individuals who have influenced my life and who have inspired me to put into writing principles that, when employed, lead to happiness and fulfillment. First and foremost, I'm grateful for Rachel Boyle who has served as my editor for nearly ten years. She has been able to transform my prose, which is often scientific, factual, and logical into a warm, inquisitive format as well as contribute additional insights supporting my research and line of reasoning. Her literary style fosters introspection and is encouraging and positive.

I'm grateful for Sarah Madsen, Mallory Evans, and Bryce Hoer who have painstakingly procured references and citations that document the source of many of the quotes from great thinkers that I have been collecting over time.

I am grateful to Page Publishing and Chuck Shank who persisted nearly one year encouraging me to submit my manuscript. His friendly reminders and encouragement were inimitable. I'm grateful to Maria Garcia and her staff from Page Publishing whose expertise and insight with the publishing process have been seamless. Thanks to Brad Burch for his creative cover design.

I'm grateful to Cynthia, my dear wife who, during her life, has sacrificed time and resources to support me in my goals and aspirations.

I'm grateful for all those other unnamed individuals in the village that surround me who have gently helped me along this journey of bumps and bruises that we call life.

Overview

In our capitalistic society, we are a driven people; driven for success, recognition, and fulfillment of personal needs. In this pursuit, we often spend little time in strengthening relationships, and often experience conflict which impedes our progress toward realizing our goals.

The principles presented in Bumps and Bruises: A Surgeon's Reflections on Life are organized in a methodic fashion and logical sequence. Three major sections are outlined with subcategories. We will first seek to understand or to define the conflict at hand.

Thomas Carlyle has said, The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none. We will never successfully resolve conflict if we don't recognize its source. We will either ignore the problem or implement an incorrect solution. The first section entitled, Making the Diagnosis, will contain chapters dealing with perspective, expectations, the role of opposition, and describe how change is based on truth.

The second major section entitled, Prescribing the Treatment, will define a methodic fashion with coping skills to truly facilitate change. John Norcross, PhD, a clinical psychologist, stated that self-help books are efficacious if they give specific actionable steps and you have realistic expectations—lasting changes are made gradually. The reader will learn a stepwise fashion for change, how potential plays a role in change, the role of priorities, and focus on change, time-management skills, and the virtue of patience since any lasting change takes time.

The final section will deal with prevention and maintenance to avoid the conflicts that plague us. We need not experience for ourselves the heartache that others feel. As Benjamin Franklin stated, Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other. A discussion ensues on how we can learn from the mistakes of others, the appropriate view of competition, the detriment of excuses, the need to take responsibility, and the role of peer pressure and critics.

Making The Diagnosis

Chapter 1

Perspective

Chapter 1

Perspective

While attending a medical conference in Santa Cruz, California, my wife Cynthia and I, wanting to see some of the surrounding sites, drove to Natural Bridges State Beach—a beach made famous by its natural bridges carved out by the ocean's tide. We paid our entrance fee and made the trek down to the beach with great hopes of being awed and impressed. Upon arriving at the beach, we saw a large mountain approximately five hundred yards out from the shoreline which was about the same height as a cliff adjacent to the shoreline. I immediately wondered if this was supposed to represent a bridge that had fallen or if we were in the wrong place. Feeling frustrated, I began to imagine that this park was part of a ruse to take tourist money for other needed projects in the parks and recreation system, as to me this sight was at most unimpressive.

After several minutes of complaining to my wife about the waste of money and time spent, we decided to move on. Fortunately, somewhat further down the beach, I took a step to the right and noticed a flash of light coming from the large mountain just off the shoreline. It turned out to be a vertical slit in the middle of the mountain. Suddenly I felt a glimmer of hope my five-dollar entrance fee wasn't a huge waste after all. Could it be we simply needed to change our point of view? We hiked down the beach some distance to view the mountain from a location nearly ninety degrees from our previous vantage point. From this new perspective, the large mountain that had seemed so unimpressive moments ago, became a breathtaking sight. It proved indeed to have a large bridge—a huge opening in the rock—which was large enough for the passage of large boats. The view was spectacular, with the water crashing through the eroded stone and the sunlight glimmering through the opening. Could this really be the same huge stone in the ocean that moments earlier had caused me such frustration and disappointment? Clearly, the rock, an inert substance that's been present for eons of time, hadn't suddenly changed into a spectacular sight. What had changed was my perspective.

Could it be that the conflicts and problems in our lives are made worse, or even caused, by faulty perceptions? We tend to believe our perceptions are reality and conflicts arise when we're faced with another point of view that doesn't coincide with our own. Our perceptions can also convince us our problems are insurmountable, when in reality, there may be a simple solution right in front of us. It often comes down to a change in perspective. A simple change of perspective certainly had a dramatic effect on my beach experience. The natural bridge (reality) was a breathtaking sight—not the waste of money (my perception of reality) that I had originally thought it to be. The only change had been my point of view, or in other words, my perception changed upon changing my perspective.

Our perspective shapes our perceptions in life. Perceptions are not reality, but rather, our own version of reality based on our individual perspective. Embracing this concept is a game changer. Things don't have to stay the way they are, relationships can be improved, and we can become better people. When we allow ourselves to see and validate other points of views, we not only become more empathetic to others, but grow personally as well.

Many of our perceptions are derived from our formative years. Each stage of life, with its accompanying events and emotions, causes us to view life from a certain perspective. What we see as a result of these perspectives frames our perceptions. Our perceptions are an eclectic result of parenting, culture, and various and sundry experiences, both positive and negative, as we mature to adulthood. If our formative years were laden with frustration and negative experiences, we're more likely to miss the beauty of life's bridges and instead focus on the massive rock in front of us. And that rock can quickly be perceived as immovable. In contrast, a positive and healthy upbringing tends to make us more optimistic and productive. Does this mean we're destined to a life of pessimism if our formative years were anything but positive? Of course not. Remember, we've got that game changer. With a change in perspective, we can drastically alter our perceptions.

Before we can begin the work of changing our perspective, we need to evaluate what's molded our perceptions thus far. Erik Erikson, known for his theory on social development of human beings, provided us with unique insight into how conflicts occurring during key stages of development can vastly influence our perceptions. He asserted it's our resolution of these conflicts that determines our perceptions in life. Because of the personal and unique nature of these developmental stages, we erroneously believe our perception is reality and that all information or experiences are processed or understood from our point of view.

*Although Erikson describes two extreme resolutions to each crisis, he recognizes that there is a wide range of solutions between these extremes and that most people probably arrive at some middle course.¹

The table above clearly shows how the successful or unsuccessful completion of each stage alters our perceptions in life. A married adult has a very different perspective than a single one. A person who loves their job and has a sense of generativity will have a different perspective than someone dissatisfied with their work or struggling with unemployment. That same person struggling with unemployment, however, will experience a huge change in perspective once satisfactory employment is found.

Erikson's final stage, Integrity vs Despair, perfectly illustrates how completely different one's perspective will be after a culmination of many experiences, heartaches, or successes in life. Those who've successfully met these stages of development have a sense of integrity or wholeness. Their life has meaning and although they may experience disappointment at times, they're surrounded by loved ones with whom they enjoy meaningful relationships. Those relationships help them weather negative experiences. Conversely, we see how those who've been unsuccessful at many of these stages may feel a sense of despair over goals never met or questions never answered.²

I've included these stages to help us better see what's shaped our individual perceptions in life, and more importantly, demonstrate that these perceptions are not based in reality and can therefore be changed. Thankfully, we have the intrinsic capability of changing our perspective to derive more meaning and more joy from life. While we can't go back and change the experiences we've had, we can work to change our perspective and in time alter our perceptions.

Labels placed upon us in our formative years by parents, teachers, coaches, etc., also play an important role in shaping our perspective. Labels, no matter how well-intended, are often destructive. It's been observed time and again that children tend to live up to their labels—no matter if they're positive or negative. Tell a child they're horrible at math, they most likely will be. Children believe the labels placed upon them and act accordingly. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to realize labels aren't reality but are someone else's perception of reality forced upon us. We have the power to break away from those labels that we've allowed to define us and work to become the person we want to be instead.

The story of Charles Francis Adams, grandson of the second president of the United States, gives us a glimpse into how our perceptions are based not only upon labels or life-long exposure to unique experiences, but also the events of a single day. Adams, a successful lawyer and ambassador to Great Britain, was a very busy man. Although he had little free time, he managed to take a day and go fishing with his son. At the end of the day, he recorded in his journal, Went fishing with my son today. A day wasted. On that same day, in his own journal, his son wrote, Went fishing with my father today, the most wonderful day of my life.³ The difference in these two perspectives of the same event is staggering. This is a clear example of how our perceptions are not reality, but simply a result of our individual perspective.

Even something as simple as body language—or minutia as seemingly insignificant as voice inflection or intonation—can alter our perspective. Let's examine two letters pulled from Lynne Truss' Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, to show how a simple change in punctuation can alter perception:

Dear Jack,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy—will you let me be yours?

Jill

Dear Jack,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn! For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Jill⁴

In his novel, The Great Divorce, CS Lewis goes so far as to assert that our current perspective can even alter our perception of the past. Think of your current perspective as the glasses through which you view life. Looking through those glasses into the past will inevitably mitigate or exasperate