What Would Dad Say?

By John Nitti

What Would Dad Say? provides motivation and advice supported by stories relating to family, friendship, love, marriage, athletics, education, health, fitness, career planning, money, religion and death. Rules of life were developed by author, John Nitti, based on years of experience in a multitude of settings from growing up in a diverse town on Long Island to Yale University. His background also includes time in the NFL and on Wall Street. He utilized his knowledge and experience to raise four successful children with his wife, Pat, and is now sharing that in this book.

Lessons learned from college professors to high-powered business executives, from well-known sports figures and team owners to entertainers, from ancient Greek philosophers to political leaders and from the very rich to the homeless are all shared. Evidence relating to everything from formulas for success to avoiding the pitfalls associated with regrettable failures provide helpful, practical examples. Life experiences and crossroads are shared in order to help others optimize their success and happiness.

The original target audience was solely John’s four children; he wanted them to understand his outlook on life and some keys to success and happiness just in case anything happened to him. His thoughts of mortality were reinforced after the death of a friend and then crystalized when his brother-in-law, firefighter Brian McAleese, died in the World Trade Center during the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. As Father Mychal Judge (the New York City Firefighters’ chaplain who died when the World Trade Center collapsed) said right before the attack, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you’re going to do tomorrow.”

While many of the rules are based on proven experiences, scientific evidence or specific facts are not provided in detail. There is plenty of research material that can always be referenced. There are also many books that are dedicated entirely to almost every subject that is addressed in only a single rule within these pages. But, What Would Day Say? is purposely simple and broad in order to cover a wide range of subjects and be memorable. It captures thoughts in the same way that one would be forced to answer on the spur of the moment, delivered in a casual conversational style.

One may lead a good life by following these simple rules. Some of the rules are obvious, but we all need to be reminded. Others are more intuitive. Still others would perhaps cause quite a debate regarding their validity. But they have worked. And just as children listen to some guidance and disregard the rest, so will anyone who reads this book adhere only to some of these rules and forget the others. For in the end, it’s their choice and their life. We can’t tell people what to do, but we can help them learn from experience and foresee the consequences of their actions. It is hoped What Would Dad Say? will provide that for you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 24, 2021
• ISBN: 9781645441090

Book preview

Chapter 1

Top Ten Rules to Live By

Yes, it was difficult narrowing a lifetime of rules down to the top ten. Or given that I’m now considered middle-aged or old, I guess it’s more than half a lifetime. I’m sure I’ll have a few different rules as time goes on. But for now, these are my top ten. Some really don’t fit in any of the following chapters; they are just general rules that keep emerging in just about everything I do. I’m not as good as David Letterman used to be, so these aren’t necessarily in priority order. Perhaps the first one is. Regardless, one rule that’s certain is that opinions constantly change. Today, we have the following top ten. Tomorrow, perhaps after some life-altering event another rule will find its way into the select few.

Rule 1: You’ve Got to Get Down before You Get High

I learned this at Yale University in an art history class. Robert Thompson, who is a white American but so admires African culture that I believe he wished he were born there, taught The History of West Africa to the Black Americas. Throughout his entire lecture, he played on the podium as if it were Congo drums. We learned that the Yoruba tribe in West Africa dances to rule 1. In a symbolic gesture, they start really low and then slowly rise to a point of euphoria. They live by the understanding that in order to appreciate the good you must first experience the bad. This has been told in many different ways, including one must pay the price, or pay your dues with the ultimate analogy being the death and resurrection of Christ.

How many truly understand what this is saying? It’s not just appreciating the good after suffering; it’s the understanding of how good you have it. That’s impossible without experiencing the opposite end of the spectrum. How much more would we savor every moment if we had to work for years to get it? How much more do those who have difficulty having children appreciate them once, it is hoped, they finally do arrive?

This explains why many who experience sudden success don’t appreciate it as much. Many feel unworthy. Many can’t handle their fame or fortune. Look at Freddie Prince or Marilyn Monroe. There are plenty of other examples. Those who work for things are better prepared to handle, appreciate, and accept their success. They feel that they deserve it. I’ve always had a saying, Life is good and we deserve it. What I mean by that is when you work so hard for what you want in life, you do in fact deserve it when it’s achieved.

Two days before my wife, Pat, and I were married, Hurricane Gloria hit Long Island. There were power outages everywhere, including the Fox Hollow Inn, which was where our reception was held. They called on Saturday to tell us that our wedding was cancelled. Because it was an act of God, we would not receive a refund according to the contract. We could, however, reschedule the reception for a date about three months later. Who ever heard of the reception being three months after the wedding?

We went down to the catering hall and fought with the maître d’ for over four hours. We brought in other couples who were scheduled there that weekend to join us, thinking that there was power in numbers. I even pretended to be on the phone with NBC television by tossing one of their cards on the maître d’s desk and dialing the number. In actuality, I called my father, who didn’t quite understand why I was telling him to get the cameras down there for a great human-interest story around the hurricane. When I announced that the cameras were on the way, the crowd that had now gathered around the office cheered. Minutes later, the maître d’ put his head in his hands and called the owner who was yachting down in the Caribbean. He then announced that all weddings were on!

After an exuberant celebration, we then realized we had our work cut out for us. We had to call the guests who had already been contacted to let them know that the wedding was back on. I ran to the store just before closing to grab a pair of shoes off the shelf. Because they were one size too big, I wore three pairs of socks to the wedding. I was up until 2:00 a.m. the night before our wedding searching for power generators with my friend, Mike Angelo, and my brother-in-law, Kevin McAleese. Pat had to get ready for the wedding at a neighbor’s house since her family’s home didn’t have electricity two days after the storm hit. There were countless other things that needed to be done, all of which were completed.

Although the cocktail hour and dinner weren’t everything we planned, the Fox Hollow Inn did all they could under the circumstances. As we pulled into the parking lot, the LILCO (Long Island Lighting Company at the time but now called PSEG) trucks were pulling out. The lights were on. Our limousine filled with the wedding party rocked with excitement. In fact, the entire five hours of the wedding did. Most, if not all, of our guests knew what we had gone through over the last forty-eight hours and they were genuinely happy for us since everything turned out so well. To this day, I’m sure that our wedding was filled with electricity because it almost wasn’t. Everyone was in a mood not only to celebrate our marriage but also our perseverance. It was a great night that I wouldn’t have wanted any other way. Although my feet swam in my shoes as we danced throughout the evening, nothing else in the world seemed to matter. We sang the song Gloria and still do to this day. Funny how something so negative is a positive in our minds today.

So when things seem like they can’t get any worse, when you’re wondering why you have to go through the trials and tribulations of life, take solace in the fact that when things turn around, you will be well positioned to fully enjoy the fruits of your labor. Understand that there was a reason you had to go through all the hardship and turmoil because only then could you truly appreciate successful results. And what are you going to do anyway, give up? Winston Churchill once said, If you’re going through hell, keep going. Why stop there? If you throw up your hands and succumb, you’ll surely get nowhere. As Jesus proclaimed to the frustrated fishermen, Cast the net again. If you keep trying, you’ll eventually come out of whatever mess you’re in, and you’ll then understand just how good it is to be where you are. Always remember that you learn little from success, but much from the obstacles you overcome.

Enduring hardship also enables you to become more sensitive to others who may someday suffer a similar fate. Once you have experienced turmoil or lived through some malady or misfortune, you will become more understanding of those who may be shunned by society for something no less dreaded than your past ailment.

Understanding this rule not only helps you to fully accept your success and enjoy it to the fullest, but it also helps you get through the hardest times in your life. In addition, and perhaps more importantly, it helps you become more compassionate. For these reasons, it’s one of the most important rules I have followed throughout my life.

Rule 2: Take Action over Inaction

This is why I’m writing this book rather than reading one. Perhaps if I read more, I would be a better writer! Regardless, in general, taking action wins out over staying passive. I’d rather play in a game than watch it. I would rather be at an event than read or hear about it. I enjoy being at a game more than watching it on television. As relaxing as the latter may be, you just can’t capture the feel of the game without being there.

Albert Einstein once alluded to this premise, albeit from a more academic stance, when he said, Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. This notion may be applied to many walks of life.

If I’m vacillating on whether to go to the party, the game, the play, or the concert I choose to go. Taking this approach has captured so many special times. Many people in business now work a few days at home each week. When I did and wasn’t sure where to go, I would go into the office. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been reassured I did the right thing by going and doing.

Inaction is easier. It’s easy to sit in your living room on a cold windy night. It’s easy not to ask her out. It’s easy not to try out for the team or the play or wait to run for class office next year. But that’s not living. Yes, there are plenty of times when it’s okay to be passive. There’s plenty of time to sit by a fire and enjoy a good book or movie on a nasty night. But when you have the choice to live or not live, take the action route. Maybe that’s what the successful slogan, Just do it, is trying to say. Call him or her. What do you have to lose? If they say no, you’re back to where you started. If they say yes, well then, you’re miles ahead. We all have pride, but possible embarrassment is worth it if it means living our lives to the fullest. The other phrase that comes to mind is Go for it. Or We ready. These slogans come and go but the principal remains the same. Don’t let your life pass you by. Don’t sit around and wait for things to happen to you. Make them happen.

Before I was admitted into Yale University, I wrote one of my best letters to the dean of admissions. I wanted to be sure that Worth David knew who I was. Most people would say I was wasting my time. Many would say the dean receives thousands of these letters every year. He doesn’t. Most applicants have neither the tenacity nor the confidence to go to the top. They think, Why bother? Why? Because if the top person can’t make things happen, how can you? I met Worth David while attending Yale. He remembered my letter. It did make a difference. You never know when it will make a difference or not. But what’s wrong with trying? If it doesn’t work, the worst that can happen is you’ve wasted your time. If you’re successful, then your effort is well worth it.

Before signing with the New York Jets, I had written to every NFL team (before word processing was available to the masses making such an undertaking much easier). As it turns out, three teams showed interest. Some would be discouraged that only three out of twenty-eight came back to me. But in actuality, it only takes one to sign a contract. And one of those teams did. I will always cherish my days with the Jets, which was a great organization then and now.

Maybe in these cases I went beyond what was required. Or maybe, just maybe those actions were the difference. And both of these situations were too important for me to take a chance. I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. Maybe that was recognized. Maybe those who mattered could see just how important this was to me. And that’s just what people want to see. They want people who really want them.

I worked with David Beamer, on and off, for over fourteen years. His son, Todd, proclaimed the now famous words Let’s Roll before he and others stormed the terrorists in the cockpit of United Airlines flight 93 on 9/11. Let’s Roll means so many things. It means we’re not going to sit and watch this happen. We’re not going to be fatalistic. We’re not going to let them hit the White House or perhaps Three-Mile Island as many have surmised was where that flight was heading. We’re going to defend ourselves. We’re going to defend our country and others. We’re going to sacrifice our lives to save others. We’re going to make a difference. We’re going to be heroes. We’re going to take action. As David Beamer always says no matter what, onward and upward.

Take action over inaction. You live only once. Maybe the interview you blow off will be the one that leads to that dream job. Or the school project you skip is the one that would have gotten you into the college of your choice. Or the party you missed is where you would have met the love of your life. Or maybe not. But you won’t find out in your living room. Go and find out.

Rule 3: Everyone Gets Beat at Their Own Game

This has been said a number of different ways: He who lives by the sword dies by the sword, What goes around comes around, and People in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks are just a few of the commonly used phrases. Time and time again, I have seen people with a game, meaning some kind of scheme that you wonder how they are getting away with it.

I know of people like this. One was always taking things back years after purchase. She even returned a stroller after her last child grew out of it, claiming the wheel was broken. It must have been seven years after she bought it, but it did have a lifetime guarantee. Well, when she bought a used car through another scheme, she ended up with a real lemon. The problem was she couldn’t trace the car back to the owner and she couldn’t return it.

Another person purchased speakers for an incredible price since they fell off a truck. Seems like things were always falling off a truck for this guy. Until the day he came back from vacation to find it all gone. Beaten by a professional thief better at the game than he was.

There are countless examples of people getting beat at their own game. The railroad worker who made over $500,000 by logging 4,000 overtime hours in one year got beat at his own game. After all, that’s about 11 hours a day for all 365 days in addition to his normal work hours! How could you not expect to get caught? The president’s renowned infidelity almost cost him the office for which he had dedicated his life. While Bill Clinton survived impeachment, he will be infamous for sophomoric boyish behavior that will forever shadow his accomplishments.

In college, Marty Dwyer, a Yale alumnus who owned Jamaica Water Supply, gave me a job reading water meters in Queens, New York. While you needed to go into roach- and rat-infested basements, it was still a great job because it took so little time. Everyone there had a game. The rule was, you could only read between seventy and ninety meters a day. Any more and your fellow meter readers would shun you. Any less and management would think you were slacking off. The thing was, you could read that many meters in about three hours while getting paid for eight. Our Yale quarterback, John Rogan, was also employed there so we were both done in the morning and we trained together in the afternoon. Maybe I should have told my alumnus friend, but for several reasons, I never did; too many of those people desperately needed that job, and I didn’t have the heart to turn them in. Most of the people who worked there were eventually fired in some big shake-up after a scam. The company eventually went bankrupt after Marty passed away at a relatively young age. The organization had changed dramatically and lost focus. And too many of the employees still had a game.

So the key is to not have a game. Don’t think that you’re smarter than everyone else and that you can get away with some trick of the trade. In the end, most get caught. And the fall is much faster and more traumatic than the climb. It’s just not worth it. The way to accomplish things in life is through preparation and plain old hard work. Yes, you can be smart about how you work. You can make yourself more productive and efficient. That’s not at all what I mean. I’m referring to the people who want to beat the system. In reality, however, most of the time there are no shortcuts.

Now, let’s put a positive spin on this. What goes around, comes around can of course work in a philanthropic way. Or pay it forward. When you are good to people, people tend to be good to you. When you are friendly, people are friendly in return. When you smile, people smile back. If your game is positive, then you won’t get beat at it but will instead thrive at it.

At the turn of the twentieth century, a peasant farmer saved a small boy from perishing in a mudslide. The boy’s father, a wealthy nobleman, attempted to pay the farmer for his good deed, but the man would have no part of it. The nobleman then offered to pay for the farmer’s own son’s education to show his appreciation. This was an offer too good to refuse and the two men agreed.

In the last chapter, I will come back to this story and reveal the identities of both sons. Both of these great men achieved so much, and society benefited tenfold as a result of one heroic act by a peasant farmer. The kind deeds of two families were mutually beneficial for two generations. Without the nobleman’s insistence on returning a good deed, you will learn that his son would have eventually died at an early age anyway and a young genius’s talents would have gone untapped. But both sons and society benefited from the perpetuation of a game that, this time, originated from goodness.

If you have a game, make it one that stems from nobleness and sincerity and you will flourish from the gratification of knowing you helped someone and possibly even from a never-ending cycle of good deeds. The game of life can be one of tremendous satisfaction if you play it right. If your game is one of deceit and deception, on the other hand, then you will eventually lose. It’s only a matter of time before it all catches up to you, and when it does, it overcomes you like smoke in a fire. You think you have outrun it just as it envelops you and quickly chokes the life out of you.

As you will hear over and over again throughout this book, the choice is yours. We often don’t realize how much of our lives are in our control and how little of it is due to fate. Make the right choice and enjoy the game of life.

Rule 4: Do What Makes You Happy

How many times do we do things because we feel we should rather than because we want to? I’m not talking about life’s obligations relating to work, family, school, community, church, and state. Yes, there are laws we must all follow and taxes we must pay. I’m really referring to what we do in our spare time. The time that is ours. Those precious few moments we get too infrequently that we should savor. That’s when you should do what you want to do. Not what others think you should do or what you think others would want you to do. I don’t believe in the saying that one should not do what they want to do but what they should do.

If you want to be truly happy, first you should determine what makes you happy. That’s not always an easy task, but it’s an essential first step. It’s great to have many different experiences early in life so that one can better make this assessment. While no one will ever know or experience everything that makes them happy, you need to have a basic understanding of what you enjoy. Again, this is a lot more complicated than you may think. How many times have you seen the jock that finds out he or she enjoys the opera or the musician that becomes infatuated with baseball? It happens all the time. We all have experienced a few surprises, things we didn’t know about ourselves until we allowed change in our lives. Things that we never knew we would love were staring us in the face, but we never gave them a chance.

My example is skiing. This is a sport I didn’t really attempt until I was in my thirties. In my younger years, I feared the danger involved would injure my already damaged knee and jeopardize my football career. Once a career-ending knee injury occurred, years passed and several surgeries were performed before the knee was somewhat stable again. And then my children reached the age when kids start to want to do things in the snow. Yes, it was my wife, and kids that got me on the slopes. I started out tentative and overly cautious but slowly advanced to an intermediate skier. Now, with a knee that has been operated on five times (and the other once), I don’t think I’ll ever hit the most difficult double black diamond slopes. But I will enjoy a terrific family sport where you wake up together, have breakfast together, ski together, warm up by a fire together, have dinner together, and are together as a family. I love skiing. And I never would have known if I hadn’t given it a chance.

So once you know what makes you happy, do it. Don’t do things because you feel guilty if you don’t. Don’t struggle through an ancient Greek history textbook to better yourself if this doesn’t interest you. If it does, then great. If it doesn’t, why force yourself? This is your time. There is plenty of other time for self-improvement at work, school, etc. If you want to be happy, then do what you enjoy when you have flex time. That could be anything from lying on the beach on a sunny afternoon to sitting in secluded room reading. Everyone is different and is turned on by different things. Do what you enjoy. And that could be just about anything as long as it’s legal and doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. Those are fairly broad parameters that leave a multitude of opportunities to enjoy life.

You only get one life; it’s yours and no one else’s to enjoy. It’s not your father’s life, or your mother’s life, or your teacher’s or your boss’s. Don’t do things because you think it will make them happy or only because it’s something they enjoy.

Too often we are concerned what others think of us. Teenage boys may love the ballet but think maybe it’s not macho enough. So they rob themselves of something that could be a lifelong experience. Gregory Hines was a great guy, a good friend, and a great athlete. Unfortunately, he succumbed to cancer in 2003 at the young age of fifty-seven. Just imagine if he had thought it wasn’t cool to tap dance. Not only would he have forgone a career in dancing and acting, but also we all would have been worse off for not seeing him perform. My friend Mike Angelo wanted to be a cop but became a lawyer partly because that’s what everyone else’s expectations were. But that’s not what he wanted. To this day I’m convinced he would be happier as a cop. He probably would have been a damned good one too. Do what makes you happy.

Rule 5: If You Don’t Think You Can, You Won’t

Notice I didn’t say, If you think you can, you will. There’s a big difference. While the art of positive thinking is essential to success and happiness, we all have to be realistic. For instance, I will never play basketball like Michael Jordan. In fact, probably no one ever will. As one of my favorite actors, Clint Eastwood, stated, A man [or woman] has got to know his limitations.

But if you don’t think you can achieve things, you never will. You must believe that you can accomplish something before actually doing it. I’ve seen, over and over again, the overachiever beat out the more talented. Free agents in the NFL make the team over high draft picks. All had two common ingredients: confidence and work ethic. You must believe in yourself.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. Don’t let them use your height, weight, speed, intelligence, race, religion, or nationality as a reason why you can’t be what you want to be. Someday, we will have a female president. Why can’t that be you?

Edgar A. Guest’s poem says it well:

It Couldn’t Be Done

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,

There are thousands to prophesy failure;

There are thousands to point out to you, one by one

The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of grin,

Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start to sing as you tackle the thing

That cannot be done and you’ll do it.

One of my teammates on the New York Jets was Wesley Walker. Wesley is still a great friend. He is intelligent, engaging, and considerate. But none of these traits made him one of the best receivers in the game during the 1980s. He was fast and extremely strong for his size with a great pair of hands. So why do I bring him up? How is Wesley bolstering my argument? Well, interestingly enough, Wesley is legally blind in one eye. Yes, that’s right, one of the best receivers who ever played in the NFL is legally blind in one eye! How could that be? You’ll have to ask Wesley, but I can tell you that many told him to forget about football. If Wesley didn’t believe in himself, if he listened to all those naysayers, he never would have made it to the NFL, never would have met his former wife, Judy, and their three wonderful children, John, Taylor, and Austin, would not be in this world. Wesley overcame adversity because he had confidence and a strong work ethic.

Doug Flutie played quarterback in the NFL even though he is only five-foot-nine. People told Flutie from the time he was in junior high school that he should forget about playing quarterback. He went on to win the Heisman Trophy as the best college player in the country. At quarterback. The NFL still told him he was too short, so he went up to Canada and set all kinds of records. Only then did the NFL welcome him as a backup. Once the starter went down with an injury, little Doug stepped in. He ended up being one of the top stars on the team and carried the Buffalo Bills into the playoffs.

I don’t want to limit this premise to football or sports in general. There are so many examples in just about everything. Helen Keller is probably the most extraordinary one. How could someone who was deaf and blind become one of the most noteworthy writers in American history? How could Beethoven be one of the best composers in the history of mankind even though he was deaf? All extraordinary people who didn’t let adversity get in their way. They believed in themselves and worked to be tremendously successful.

Don’t let deficiencies get in your way either. People often feel they don’t measure up or have some feature that is too big or too small. That begs the question, Does the Statue of Liberty have a big nose? I would quickly answer for them, Who cares? It’s the damn Statue of Liberty! Optimize your overall self and any perceived inadequacies will be overshadowed.

In order to realize positive thinking, know what you have on your side. Understand what your strengths are and capitalize on them. It could be youth, intelligence, creativity, determination, preparation, experience, or just about anything. Wesley knew he was fast. He used that to his benefit. Use your strengths to your benefit.

Bethany Hamilton lost her entire left arm when a fourteen-foot tiger shark attacked her when she was surfing in 2003. She was only thirteen years old, but her fortitude far exceeded her age. Only four weeks later, she was back in the ocean surfing again! Most people couldn’t imagine her ever surfing again at all, but she went on to win the NSSA national surfing competition two years later and eventually became an elite professional surfer. Her story is incredibly inspiring. Bethany believed in herself. She believed in her passion. She worked incredibly hard. And she didn’t say I can’t!

My son, John Michael, once told me he couldn’t hit a certain pitcher in Little League. I admit the pitcher was intimidating given that he was six-foot-one and 180 pounds at twelve years-old. He threw a seventy-mile-per-hour fastball from a pitcher’s mound that was only forty-five feet away. A ball traveling at that speed from that distance arrives at home plate in about the same time that a ninety-mile-per-hour fastball arrives from a major league pitcher’s mound that is sixty feet and six inches away. Regardless, I told him I can’t shouldn’t be in his vocabulary. I rented the movie Rudy the next day and watched it with all my children. Rudy didn’t even belong at Notre Dame University, let alone play for the football team according to everyone but Rudy. But to this day, he is the only Fighting Irish football player to ever be carried off the field. The next time my son faced that pitcher he hit a blooper that went for a single to right field. No, he didn’t rip it, but it was a hit. He took I can’t out of his vocabulary, at least in this instance. Take it out of yours in all instances.

Another word that I would recommend taking out of your vocabulary is overwhelmed. To me it just sounds like you have given up. It has the connotation that so much is going on that you can’t handle it. I believe it implies weakness. When you say you’re overwhelmed you believe it. How can you think you can if you are overwhelmed? To me, it just fuels negative thinking. (As a side note, I also try not to use the word devastated because I think it also sounds weak. I do understand that there are times when people are so stricken with grief, etc. that devastated is probably appropriate.)

Rule 6: Live for Today

How many of us wish away the days until school is over, the weekend is here, that project is done, a vacation arrives, or a certain phase of our lives is over? So many kids wish they were adults. So many freshmen wish they were seniors. Amateur athletes in grade school wish they were pros. Soldiers want to be civilians again and some civilians dream of being soldiers. We end up thinking so much about the future that we miss the joys of the present.

One such joy is having youth on your side with your whole life ahead of you. I remember as a child always being reassured that when adults yelled at me, I had something in my favor; I was much younger than they were. They wanted that. They had bifocals, arthritis, and gray hair. I had youth. I had my whole life ahead of me. They could be mean. They could make me feel bad. But they couldn’t make me feel that they were better than I was, because in many ways they always told me they wanted to be like me; they wanted to be young again.

Similar examples could be shown for many other instances. Seniors are the BMOCs, but many of them would love to have four more years in the school they have grown to cherish. They finally figured it all out, and now they have to leave. How many times have you heard veterans refer to their days in the service as the good old days? Yet when they were there, they couldn’t wait to get home alive. (By the way, I have tremendous respect for those that have preserved our freedom and independence, but I’ll get to that later.) So now all they do is talk about the days when they were army heroes.

So many also live in the past. The good old days were often not as good as we remember anyway. It’s human nature to remember the good in our past more than the bad. We tend to remember the proms or championship games but not all the studying or humiliation that goes along with adolescence.

We also have trouble letting go of our past. Many spend so much time playing the what if game. If only I had bought Microsoft in 1980, I would be a multimillionaire today. If only I had caught that pass, we would have been champions. You can’t look back.

I signed with the Jets the same year as Mike Augustyniak. At one point, I was confident enough about my standing on the running back depth chart relative to Augie that I convinced him not to quit. After about an hour in the Westbury Holiday Inn where the team was staying, Mike succumbed and agreed to hang in there. I then convinced him to keep fighting after he had a notable one with Mark Gastineau, the famed Jets defensive end. I sensed that the coaches appreciated his tenacity. Mike claims my advice was the difference as he got into about eight fights and continued climbing the depth chart. Later, I blew out my knee, ending the season for me. Mike ended up starting at fullback for the Jets for the next three years. While I was happy for Augie, I was also extremely frustrated by my situation. The dream of being the starting fullback for the New York Jets was inches away. Years of blood, sweat, and tears all for naught. How can I come so close and lose it? Sadly, I was never quite the same after that injury. The fact that I still often think about it is even more disturbing. What a waste of time it is to belabor over something you can’t change!

So what happens? We’re either spending time reliving the past or dreaming about the future. We then miss what’s happening today. And that’s what’s most important. That’s what we can affect the most. That’s our actual life. It’s the present. It’s not a memory or a pipe dream. Harold Melchert said it better than me when he wrote,

Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain.

An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind,

but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.

Climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment;

and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey.

If we concentrate on today, we will enjoy life much more. Time will go by more slowly. We won’t wish away the workweek until Friday or the years until retirement. We will live for today. Savoring every moment. Enjoying each day for just what it is. Enjoying our children just as they are at each stage of their precious lives. When our youngest child, RJ, was seven, he helped me realize that while you shouldn’t always be looking toward the future, you can’t freeze time either, no matter how hard you try. I always told our kids that I wish they would stay young forever. One day RJ replied, But then you would grow old and die and we would stay young. You would miss all the important things in our lives. Yes, indeed, so many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.

We make the most of our lives by living in the present. By not wasting time thinking about what could have been (my father always said that "if is the biggest word in life") or thinking about how things will be someday, we allow ourselves to optimize the present. We start thinking about how we can make today as good as it could possibly be. How we can enjoy every moment. We plan each day as if it were our last. You never know, it may be.

So don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Not because that will make you a better person, but because you may never get to it tomorrow. And if you don’t get to it, then you won’t be completely fulfilled in your life. In the end, most of what I’m talking about is being happy and living your life to the fullest.

When I finally was about to buy the car I always wanted, my wife, Pat, suggested that I add vanity license plates stating, Y WAIT. She has always fully grasped the concept to which I’m referring in everything she does. While I selected normal plates, with her encouragement I didn’t wait and bought the car of my dreams.

A friend of mine once declined my job offer stating, We can always work together. It’s now many years later, and we still haven’t figured out how to make that happen. We had our chance and didn’t grab it. In the end, we will most likely never work together.

So if you can do it, buy that boat or car today. Don’t wait until you can really afford it. Go on that trip across country this summer, not when you’re working full-time and can’t take off from work. Then you’ll have a legitimate excuse not to go. My son John Michael rode a bicycle across the country and back going 9,862 miles while raising $25,000 for the Marty Lyons Foundation! He now has a full-time job and could never do that today.

It doesn’t have to be something that extraordinary. Extend a compliment or a favor the moment you get a chance. Wait and the opportunity may be gone. Whatever it is, if the choice is now or later, do it now. And don’t always think of the past and that those were the days. THESE are the days. The present is a gift; that’s why we call gifts presents. Live for the moment. Seize the day. Carpe diem!

Rule 7: He Who Has Much, Much Is Expected

I know this is not the exact quote out of the book of Luke, but it’s how I want to say it in honor of Marty Lyons, one of my former teammates on the Jets, who uses this phrase all the time. Marty established the Marty Lyons Foundation, an organization that helps children with life-threatening illnesses. I can’t even describe how much the Foundation has assisted over 7,500 children and families in need. Marty is an amazing person who started this charity only after continuous encouragement from those around him. Privately, he had been doing it on his own and wanted to remain as inconspicuous as possible; he didn’t want any publicity to cloud the actual purpose. Only when several convinced him that he could impact more kids with an official foundation did Marty decide to go public with it. I’ve been involved with the Marty Lyons Foundation since its inception and on the Board since 2000. I’m proud to have gotten many people involved in it, including my good friends David Wright and Ed Powers, our current president, and my whole family.

My interpretation of he who has much, much is expected is not all about money. It doesn’t mean that if one has a lot of money, then one should donate a lot to charity or whatever. To me, it means to share as much as possible with others, given what you have. If you own a hotel, then open up the unoccupied rooms to the homeless on cold winter nights. If you’re considered a role model, then be one in all respects for children. Take that responsibility seriously and show kids how to get to where you are. If you have a lot of money, then give some to your favorite charities.

Marty has a gift. Not only was he All-American at Alabama, All-Pro for the Jets, and NFL Man of the Year, but he also has a warm heart and a genuine concern for children that he expresses passionately and eloquently in front of a crowd. After listening to his motivational speaking, CEOs of major companies are ready to follow Marty right into the arms of God’s littlest angels, as Marty refers to our wish children. At six feet, five inches and 270 pounds, Marty’s imposing figure holding a sick and emaciated child in his arm like a football is enough to make even the strongest people cry. Marty has somehow recognized these gifts and used them for the good of others. He chose sick children. He has much, and he has given much. I’m proud to know him and help him on the Foundation whenever I can.

You don’t have to be Marty Lyons to help others. If you have the best bike on the block, why not share it with the kid that doesn’t have one? If one of the kids down the street isn’t physically able to play in all the neighborhood games, why not make him referee or allow him to participate in some other fashion? My son, John Michael, learned this one early. He did very well in school and reads well. In fourth grade, he decided to help younger students who were having trouble reading by making tapes for them. He spent hours deliberately reading and recording chapter by chapter so that other students would benefit from his capability. My other kids also participated in the reading buddy program. He who has much, much is expected.

There is too much jealousy in this world. Friends compete with the Joneses, and many attempt to accumulate as many material goods as possible. The popular phrases of the late eighties and nineties He who dies with the most toys wins or Greed is good are pretty abhorrent when you think about it.

If people stopped thinking so much about wealth accumulation and what they have, perhaps they would stop comparing themselves to others. Perhaps they would start sharing with others. Maybe sharing their time, their boats, their yards, their knowledge, their capabilities, or their experience. Whatever they have that would be considered special. Maybe then others would value their attributes instead of resenting them. We should expect the most of ourselves and of others. Marty does.

Bruce Lagnese, our high school quarterback and a friend of mine for over forty years, is one of the most generous people I know. As a business manager for Hollywood stars such as Gregory Hines (before he passed), James Earl Jones, Jennifer Anniston, and Robert Hayes, he makes more money than he knows what to do with. The eternal bachelor has just about everything he needs and often buys on a whim. He belongs to one of the most exclusive country clubs in the country, drives a new expensive car, constantly travels to exotic places, and lives in a beautiful section of San Fernando Valley. He is very charitable and has been very generous to the Marty Lyons Foundation. Some may be jealous of Bruce’s carefree and luxurious lifestyle, but not his closest friends. Bruce has a philosophy that what’s his is theirs. He is constantly giving us things he no longer needs. He even went as far as giving me all his ski equipment (worth over $2,000) when he gave up the sport. I repeatedly offered to pay, but he wouldn’t listen. That just wasn’t in his mind at all. He is constantly sharing with his good friends. Another friend, Dominick, has gone to final four NCAA basketball tournaments, heavyweight boxing title matches, and Super Bowls with Bruce. (I took Bruce and Gregory Hines to their first Super Bowl, and after that, they were hooked. It is an event.) When you visit Bruce, it’s almost a given that he will host you at his country club for breakfast and a round of golf where you will see Joe Pesci, Jack Nicholson,