The Book

By Susan Anne Phillips

The Book is a story spanning over forty years. A book of unconditional love that never died. It is a story of choices. How choices made for the wrong reason can affect our lives forever.

It is about the division between ego and spirit or human and soul, for it is our ego that makes us human and our spirit that makes our soul. Only when our ego dies can unconditional love be fulfilled as our spirit takes its place. It is the story of two ego-based humans who broke down their egos and found their souls with divine intervention. A love that exists here and there. How the signs are there waiting for you to see them. How when you do begin noticing them, you will get more and more assurance that we never end and the only thing that dies is the ego.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098081812

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The Book

Susan Anne Phillips

Copyright © 2021 by Susan Anne Phillips

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

To my daughter for never questioning my sanity and to Tracy for without him there would be no book.

Chapter 1

Him

The day I saw her for the first time, I had been feeling restless, not a normal restless but a bang-your-head-into-a-wall restless. I had to go somewhere, but I didn’t know where. I grabbed my keys and smokes, jumped into my Mustang, and pulled out of the driveway. I liked driving, listening to some music, windows down. It relaxes me. Having no destination in mind, I was surprised to see one of the other car washes in the chain I worked for. I hadn’t realized I had driven that far. Quick decision, I whipped the Mustang to the right, almost overshooting the entrance. The tires slid sideways, rubber on asphalt, what a beautiful sound. Only certain cars could make that sound, and then only if certain drivers were behind the wheel. You had to know how to handle it. I felt a sense of pride as the children of the car wash sent me a combined jackass look. I grinned widely at them and pulled around back.

Walking through the screen door, I spied Bob, the manager, staring intently through the glass, absorbed in the process of the brushes or really stoned, or both. I stood next to him, taking up his stance. It took him a little too long to notice another had invaded his space, validating my earlier thought. He woke from his trance.

Hey, Tracy, how’s it going? What are you doing here?

I was bored. My day off. Thought I’d drop in.

We started shooting the breeze, watching the cars and the people detailing them. As we talked, I noticed a tall girl exiting the next car. She was pretty. Her hair was long and dark brown, parted down the middle, red strands reflected the sun. I felt a tightening in my stomach that startled me. Even more startling was the fact that it was building. The tightening becoming a knot of desire and shocking me when it moved downward. I always had mastery over this part of me. Not this time. I had to break away, think of something else, look at something else; but I couldn’t.

Thank God Bob poked me with his elbow, breaking the hold she had on me.

You okay, Tracy?

He didn’t seem to notice my physical state, and I sure as hell didn’t want him to. I couldn’t grasp how just looking at this girl had affected me so strongly. I had pride in my control. I had only to think of something else and the desire would fade away, until now. That bothered me but not enough to walk away. Instead it pulled me in, and I asked, Who’s that? I pointed at the girl with the shiny hair.

That’s Susan. I call her Suzy. She is more like a Suzy.

I tried to concentrate on Bob’s stoned explanation on how Susan was sometimes Suzy, but I was absorbed by her. As Bob droned on, Suzy, or Susan, smiled. I felt like she was smiling at me, like she could see me inside the building. Even knowing this was impossible, I raised my hand to wave, then dropped it quickly, feeling like an idiot.

I cut him off somewhere between how serious she could be one moment, then laughing the next.

How old is she? I asked.

She’s eighteen. Why, do you want to meet her? We could casually walk by.

Now I felt ridiculous, just blurting out stuff. I laughed out loud, saying, I don’t want no car wash girl.

He joined in my laughter. The standing joke, never date a car wash girl, assuming there was some defect they must have to work at a car wash, was affecting my answers. The stupid thing was, we worked at a car wash too.

I just thought I knew her from somewhere. As I answered Bob, I realized my answer was true. I felt like I knew her and had seen her before, at the same time knowing I hadn’t. I tried to place her as memories came and went all too fast to pin down, and then she looked directly at me. Her eyes looked into mine. I shook my head, running my hand through my hair, pushing it from its everlasting fall into my face and thought, Impossible. She would need X-ray vision to see me from where she was. I knew this, but my heart beat stronger, and my blood pumped harder.

Hey, Tracy, if you want to meet her, we can just hang out. Keep it on the down low.

Bob’s voice startled me from my wanderings. Look, Bob, I thought I knew her but I don’t. Let’s not make this a big deal.

Ooh, for sure, no big…

It’s okay, I mumbled. I felt a sudden irritation with Bob. Was he deaf? Maybe if I quit looking at her and asking questions, he would quit thinking I’m interested. I didn’t understand my attraction to a person I didn’t know existed five minutes ago. I had never felt like this before. Nothing came close to this.

The brushes stopped, signaling no more cars for at least ten minutes. It took ten minutes for a car to get hooked up, go through the process, and come out on the other side. The crew was headed our way, except for her. They shuffled in laughing and loud, in their own world, not giving us a second glance.

Come on in the office. Sit down for a sec, Bob offered.

I didn’t want to, but I wanted to see her up close. Maybe she had crossed eyes or a facial tick, something that I wouldn’t like. I sensed if I couldn’t find a way to dismiss her, she would dwell in my mind. I followed Bob through the outside office, which was visible to customers as they paid the cashier, into the back office. I noticed the cashier was a pretty blonde, with perfect hair that a tornado couldn’t disturb. She looked disinterested, looked like she was above this position, disgusted with the card’s life had dealt her. But before I shut the door behind me, I saw her expression change and I wondered what had made her smile. It was her. I was still hidden from view, and I saw her up close. I saw her smile.

Hey, Michelle, guess what I saw…

The rest of what she said wasn’t absorbed by my brain because there were so many thoughts and feelings rushing through. Her smile was perfect; her teeth were perfect. She was tall, too tall for most guys, but not for me. She wasn’t skinny or fat. I couldn’t help noticing she was large where she should be, and that’s when it started again, the tightness. I shut the door behind me, the urge to keep staring still strong, and sat down across from Bob, blowing air through my nose in a rush. This wasn’t a normal attraction. It felt strange, like animal lust or… I laughed, shaking my head.

Does Susan… Her name coming from my mouth felt funny, and I stumbled over it.

Bob looked up, bushy eyebrows raised, waiting.

I cleared my throat. Have a boyfriend?

Not that I know of. Bob smiled a knowing smile, and I thought, he may be a little slow but he wasn’t stupid.

"How long has she worked here?

Couple of months now, after-graduation job. The cashier got her the job here. They’ve been friends for a long time. Come on, Tracy. You obviously are interested. Let’s just go out.

I cut him off. I got to get going. Maybe some other time. I stood up, adjusting my jeans. See ya.

Okay, Tracy, don’t be a stranger.

Bob held out his hand. I shook it and walked out, past the bored blonde. Susan was nowhere to be seen. I wasn’t sure if I felt regret or relief. I glanced at the front as I left and saw her sitting on a giant cement foundation, her hair covered her face, her head almost touching her crossed legs. I gunned the Mustang, downshifted, laying a foot of rubber down and was rewarded when her arm shot out, flipping the bird in my general direction. Her head never moved. I didn’t empress her; I made her mad. I smiled, thinking that was all right too.

I drove home with no music, no cigarette, and no relaxation, arriving the same way I had to the car wash, wondering how I got there.

Flipping on the TV, I flung myself on the couch, while my mind played her over and over. She reminded me I had no girlfriend and why I didn’t. What was wrong with me? Was it my looks? No. My body? I was a little on the skinny side. That left the most important thing, my personality. I would need an extra checklist for it. It didn’t matter, I always came to the same conclusion, women just didn’t get me, and chances were, she wouldn’t either. Women seemed to have needs that I couldn’t fulfill. They wanted things, things they didn’t need but seemed to feel they couldn’t live without. I found I didn’t need much to get by. They also didn’t get my sarcastic wit. I knew I had a strange sense of humor. The guys always got my jokes. Were the women just too dumb? Or maybe I appeared stupid to them. I wasn’t stupid, but I wasn’t any great philosopher either. I guess the fact that they needed stuff to ensure their happiness in life and I could get by on very little, along with my wit, answered the question why Tracy doesn’t have a girlfriend. Oh well, I couldn’t afford one anyways, managing a car wash wasn’t in the top fifty career choices to build a life on. Women didn’t want a guy, when their parents asked, What do you do, Tracy? and the answer was, Manage a car wash. At least I managed it. I closed my eyes, tired of thinking, but the thoughts still came. I was manager because the owner knew I could fix all the outdated machinery. I could make them work again, not because of my finesse with people. I didn’t like angry people, or firing people, so the owner would usually handle that. If I had to, I would but not with finesse.

Looked pretty grim for me. I wasn’t worth a conversation when it came to personality, and I didn’t even have a good job to provide a girl with what she thought she needed. There was no way Susan would give me a second glance, let alone, a first chance. I drifted into sleep seeing a beautiful smile. Surprisingly, I slept undisturbed until I heard my mom coming through the front door.

Hey, Tracy. You’re home today?

Yep, I am.

Making the most of it, I see. She smiled at me, her sarcasm not lost on the master of sarcasm.

Yep, I was doing that until I was rudely awakened.

I loved my mom. We were close. I knew I was spoiled. I was the only boy out of three children, and she favored me. So much so the family joked about it, calling me a mama’s boy. I admit it; I’m a mama’s boy.

Hey, Mom, I saw a girl today, at the other car wash, and now I can’t stop seeing her.

Did you talk to her? she asked.

Naw, she was just real pretty. I never even talked to her.

Why didn’t you, Tracy? Any girl would feel privileged if you spoke to them.

Seriously, Mom, privileged?

Of course, you’re my son, the best son that ever was, not only privileged but damn privileged. So, you going to ask her out?

I haven’t decided whether I should bestow that privilege on her, I replied, grinning.

Ha-ha, Tracy. Care to make a wager, she asked.

My mom and I were always betting on things, down to what my dad would want for dinner.

I will bet ten dollars you will ask her out before another week goes by. I see something in your eyes. She smiled and patted my leg.

You’re on. I grinned, sticking out my hand.

Mom went to the kitchen, and my thoughts returned to her. I saw in her a childlike quality, a vulnerability, and I wondered how she transmitted that to me. I felt that her vulnerability was a part of her, like my funny sense of humor was to me. I saw her face, that smile, and wondered how it would feel to be on the receiving end of it. I felt like I could get use to making it appear. I wondered if the attraction I felt for her would be returned once we meet. Either way she would be privileged if I spoke to her, according to my mother.

The next day I thought about her whenever my mind rested. It rested on her. I mumbled to myself to stop. I couldn’t. I needed to meet her. I looked up her address in the employee files. I didn’t think I was a stalker just because I had driven by her house a few times. It was comforting to know her car was there and no other cars came and went. Who was I kidding? Maybe I wasn’t a stalker, but I had a bit of an obsession. I just needed to see if I could recapture that feeling. I drove away from her house and felt lonely, lonelier than I had ever felt. I arrived home and felt a deep sadness that there was no reason for.

I tried to fall asleep. Thoughts swirled in my brain. I tossed and turned, pounding my pillow into more comfortable positions. Finally, I just gave in and let her take over. When I looked at her, I felt strange. It wasn’t like my normal feelings of attraction, and I could always control my physical reaction. Admittedly, I had never experienced the overwhelming desire she had brought out in me. It was probably just a fluke. I am crazy. I don’t even know her, I have never even spoken to her, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of déjà vu. I felt it when I saw her. I felt vulnerable, like she transmitted her feelings to me. I wanted to know how something like this could occur; yet inside myself, somewhere deep, I knew it was something unexplainable. These thoughts were too deep for me. I slipped into dreams, longing for something I couldn’t grasp.

The next day my mind took up right where it had left off the night before. It was becoming a problem, the fact that I couldn’t get her out of my head. She was stuck in there, like a song that keeps repeating itself over and over. It’s there, and you wonder why you can’t stop singing it.

I decided I’d spent enough time wondering and put a plan I had been considering into action. I did some tinkering, and the wax machine malfunctioned, causing a major shutdown event. I sent the crew home. I went in the office and picked up the phone. I hadn’t thought, what if it was her day off? I hadn’t thought of what to say.

Bob answered on the third ring.

Dave’s car wash, Bob speaking, he said.

For some reason this struck me funny. Maybe I was nervous, and there was some laughter in my voice as I explained I was short of employees, no need to explain the reason why was because I had sent them home.

Anyone in particular? he asked sarcastically.

I could practically hear the rusty creaking of his brain working.

Don’t make me kick your ass, I told him.

I got a big belly laugh for that. I laughed with him, trying to defuse his question. There was silence. It angered me, and once again, I thought, Damn it. Saying, Susan, or Suzy, looked like a hard worker with a boldness that I didn’t feel.

Oh, what a surprise. How did I know you were going to say that? I must be psychic, Bob said.

The sarcasm in his voice was irritating.

The threat of kicking his ass was becoming a reality in his near future. Now it was his turn to listen to silence.

Yes, I’ll send her. She won’t be happy about it.

I hung up, realizing she would be here in less than an hour. The excitement I felt surprised me. I was going to see if she was as attracted to me as I was to her. Another emotion took away the excitement. What if she wasn’t?

Chapter 2

Her

I shut off my alarm and swung my legs out of bed simultaneously. Another day at a dead-end job, but one I genuinely liked and was happy to get up for. Unfortunately, the more fun the job, the less pay, the younger the employees. I didn’t care; I was young too. I just graduated high school, and for this summer at least, I was taking it easy.

I parked in back in my usual spot and walked through the screen door, letting it slam shut behind me. The smell of wax and soap and the sounds of dripping water soothed me. I loved working at the car wash. It was easy, I was outside, I didn’t have to dress up, no one expected much; and unlike high school, there was no pressure to be popular. No fake personas here. In a way the car wash had helped me. It had replaced some painful things in my world. It had pulled me from the sadness that had taken over. The car wash was like a party without the booze. Young people still unsure of their roles in life, having fun, before cloning into the masses. We were laid-back and didn’t care what society thought about who we were or how we should be living our lives. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I wished it could. If only time could stand still and I could stay in the moment, sitting in the sun day after day without a care, but even at my young age, I knew life had a way of teaching lessons and usually these sweet times were short-lived.

It was still early, but the heat was already on the rise. Sweat trickled down the side of my face, making its way to my neck. The breeze was warm, stirring my damp, frizzy hair from my forehead. I hated the way it was so unruly on top. From my ears down, it was nice and straight. I spent many hours trying to keep it all the same, but when the weather got hot and I got sweaty, it was frizzy on top and straight on the sides. By afternoon, I would be sick of pushing the frizz from my face and ponytail it.

The belts whined, and the brushes started, signaling another car had loaded on. The owners were staring through the glass as their prized vehicles made their way through the process. They always seemed relieved once their car was out. The kids took over, the owners talking with the motley crew and occasionally passing one of us a couple of bucks. Whenever there was a break, I sat in my spot, letting the sun sink into myself and let my mind drift. Today I drifted to how I ended up here. How at the age of eighteen, when others were contemplating college and careers, did I come to be here?

I was a shy and insecure person, but I learned at an early age how to mask my true feelings and fears, leaving me wondering if anyone really knew the real me, or if I even knew myself.