The Truth I'm Standing On: Facing Pain and Finding Hope through Infertility and Stillbirth

By Tara Barnes

Tara and her husband, Jason, were ready to start their family; life was on their timetable, or so they thought. After four happy years of marriage, they discovered getting pregnant wouldn't be as easy as they had hoped. Eventually, with the help of a fertility doctor and many prayers, God blessed them with their son. Following the birth of Bryce, Tara and Jason soaked up all the joys of parenthood, having no idea the most difficult moments of their lives were just ahead. It was July 1, 2020, when they heard the words no pregnant woman wants to hear: "I am sorry. There is no heartbeat." At thirty-six weeks gestation, this news was the last thing they expected to hear.

Throughout The Truth I'm Standing On, Tara shares the raw, vulnerable moments of infertility and stillbirth. Anyone can find hope in this faith-led story, especially those couples experiencing the same grief and heartache. Tara has shared her story in hopes of showing others that God is always present, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Be a part of Blakely's story as you read of a faith-filled family who is determined to keep the memory of their daughter alive.

You can contact Tara through the Blakely's Breath of Life Facebook page or by emailing [e-mail].

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 29, 2022
• ISBN: 9781638743729

Book preview

cover.jpg

The Truth I'm Standing On

Facing Pain and Finding Hope through Infertility and Stillbirth

Tara Barnes

ISBN 978-1-63874-371-2 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63874-372-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Tara Barnes

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Preface

For Better or Worse

Settling In

Baby Fever

When, Not If

Faith over Fear

Barnes, Party of Four

Glowing with Excitement

Born into Heaven

Letting Go

I Don't Want to Say Goodbye

Crashing Waves—Our New Normal

Crashing Waves—Guilt

Crashing Waves—Anger

Crashing Waves—Depression and Joy

Unique Ways of Grieving

Ripping Off the Bandage

Daddy's Little Girl

Strawberry Baby

God's Presence

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Preface

One thing that has been emphasized through the death of my daughter is that we can have peace knowing that we are fully understood by the Lord. It doesn't matter what we face in our daily lives, God is present and guides us through good times and bad. When other people find it difficult to understand our struggles, He understands, and if we lean into Him in those moments, we are sure to find peace. Over the years, I have strengthened my relationship with the Lord, becoming more aware of his presence in my life. After the loss of my daughter, His presence was stronger than ever, and I suddenly had a tug at my heart to write about my experience. When I have faced difficult times in my past, reading and writing have always helped me sort through my feelings, so I was hopeful this would help me heal. Eventually those small pieces of writing turned into the desire to publish a book to help other women who are facing similar situations. What better way to help myself heal than to also help other women heal. This story represents my true self, being very vulnerable with struggles I have faced in my life. I pray daily that through my story, I can be a vessel to share God's love with other women and to make women feel as if they are not alone in these trying times.

1

For Better or Worse

Have you ever had the pleasure of meeting someone, and you just know they are the one for you? That statement sounds so cheesy, but that is truly how I felt when I met my husband, Jason. Before Jason and I met, we had both been going through a difficult time. We both had recently ended our relationships and were heartbroken, newly single, and trying to figure out our way through life as individuals again. Jason had gotten divorced from his previous wife, and my relationship had ended with my fiancé as well. Jason and I still didn't know each other at this point, but I find it amazing now to reflect back to that time in our lives and see that our lives were not falling apart like we thought—they were actually starting to fall into place. Neither Jason nor I was searching to jump into something new. Still, Jason's cousin, Ashley, who I knew from coaching a local high school dance team, insisted that Jason and I would make a great pair. Ashley and I coached alongside each other and spent quite a bit of time together, which meant I spent quite a bit of time hearing about Jason. I can still hear her nagging me, Tara, you and Jason would be perfect together. You have to meet him! Her persistence paid off. Soon after, in order to take it slow, I added him on Facebook. I thought, Being friends couldn't hurt, right?

Jason and I eventually exchanged numbers and spoke back and forth often. We then learned that we had both experienced heartaches. We started off our relationship slowly, and as expected, we started learning small things about each other. I learned how picky Jason is when it comes to his food choices, which I couldn't fathom since I love most foods. He loves a good golf game, is a lifetime fan of the Chicago Cubs, and enjoys UK basketball. He learned a lot about my taste in music, my love for coaching dance, and the endless hours I spent scrapbooking. With time, we discussed our family dynamics and discovered more about each other on a deeper level. Even though we had not met yet, we both felt a sense of trust and started confiding in each other about beliefs and values. Through this process, I finally built up enough courage and agreed to meet him.

It was July 16, 2011, when we first met, the day of the birthday party of Ashley's husband, Keith. It was out of the ordinary for me to go out with a man who by definition was a stranger, but once again, Ashley insisted, and I trusted Ashley's judgment. Jason and I had already made a connection through our phone conversations, so I hoped that we would also have a connection meeting in person. I also knew most of Ashley's friends, so in my mind, if I didn't hit it off with Jason, at least I knew other people at the party.

As the party approached, I grew more anxious to meet him. Thoughts whirled around in my head as if I were a young school-age girl: What if it's awkward? What if he doesn't like me? What if he's not what he seems to be? If you can't tell already, I am naturally an overthinker, which is not my best quality. Still, once he arrived to pick me up, I found a way to put my nerves to the side. I hopped into his white Chevy truck, and despite my anxiety, we immediately hit it off. The conversation flowed seamlessly, as if we had known each other for years. The rest of the day was just as perfect. We had a great time at the party, and we literally saw each other every day after. We had so many shared interests, shared beliefs, and we sure shared chemistry! I felt as if I had known Jason for years.

Our very first picture together, the night we met—July 16, 2011

We fell in love and our relationship progressed quickly. We were soon inseparable, spending every waking minute together. You know those feelings of having a new fresh love? I wouldn't trade those feelings for anything. We had so much fun during that time of learning and loving each other. I truly wasn't aware that a man like Jason existed until he was standing in front of me. He was and still is a great example of a gentleman. In the summer of 2013, we decided we wanted to take a vacation together. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise ship, but we both thought it would be fun. We booked a cruise to the Bahamas, just the two of us. Things were getting more serious between us and I was hoping that Jason would propose soon, but I definitely didn't see it coming on our vacation! It was August 7, 2013. We got dressed up, ate a nice dinner on the ship, and was headed out to the upper deck to watch the sunset when he pulled a beautiful ring out of his pocket! He got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I was shocked and so excited! It took me a minute to even say yes because I just couldn't believe it was happening. As I managed to say the word yes, the cruise staff and guests were already clapping and cheering for us. As we walked back to our room, we briefly walked through the ship's casino as we heard the song God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton playing. You know certain songs that have a special meaning between couples? Well, this was our song, so it was truly a special memory I will never forget.

I said yes!

I spent many months saving money and planning our wedding. I bought a beautiful dress, found the perfect venue, and finally got the guest list lined out. The perfectionist person that I am made sure every detail was in place for our big day. May 17, 2014, came around very quickly. This would be the day I finally got to marry my best friend. The day was nearly perfect, minus the fact that the DJ forgot the amp which pushed the ceremony back by about forty-five minutes. What kind of DJ forgets the amp for a wedding? I waited patiently for the amp to arrive, and we finally got the ceremony started. It was also a little colder that night than I expected my wedding to be, but even with the little hiccups, the day was perfect. All that mattered to me in that moment is that we were able to put rings on each other's fingers and promise to spend the rest of our lives together, which was something that neither of us took lightly. We stood side by side, along with Pastor Troy, said our personalized vows to each other, and looked forward to the rest of our life together.

That is how our love story began. I knew very quickly that Jason was my person, and I still feel this way today. I remember back then loving how handsome Jason was and how his kind heart shone even in the saddest