Jimmy Baund and the Holy Figurine: A Fictional Spy Spoof

By John Charles Stalter

SSSO Agent 0077, Jimmy Baund offers Intrigue, Mystery, Laughter and Betrayals in abundance…

Plus, lots of excitement in Paris, D.C., N.Y., Monte Carlo, Barcelona, and Moscow…

Meanwhile, Annie Baund Wins Big! Millions of Euros at the casino in Monte Carlo.

It’s a Trump & Putin Scheme to Increase Their Poll Numbers!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 11, 2020
• ISBN: 9781662410291

Book preview

Chapter 1

Monte Carlo and the Beautiful Lady

Ring ding a ling, ring ding a ling, ring ding a ling!

Jimmy Baund, a seventy-two-year-old Texan with a slow, thick Southwestern drawl, is a distant cousin of British agent 007 James Bond and is a retired US Secret Service Special Operations (SSSO) agent. He drops his cell phone as he wrestles the ringing, vibrating contraption from the side pocket of his belted green tweed sport coat, and it bounces under the craps table. He hits his forehead on the bottom edge as he dives under to rescue his phone and wonders what in the world is goin’ on at headquarters. He hasn’t heard from the SSSO in years since his retirement.

"Jimmy, we need you! Where are you? It’s Miss Quarterpants, and I need to speak to you on the safe line, PRONTO!’’

Missy, sweetie, I’m here under the craps table at the Casino de Monte Carlo on vacation with Annie. What do you want with this old man? I don’t think anyone can hear us down here on the floor where I dropped my phone. How can I help you?

Ouch! he yelps as his posterior is suddenly kicked by the point of the brightest candied apple red extra-high-heeled stiletto shoe connected to Jimmy’s wife, Annie, the hottest seventy-one-year-old woman you could ever imagine. She’s blond with a short pageboy cut, soft white skin with hardly a wrinkle, in a snug, low-cut, bloodred velvet, off-one-shoulder dress that left little imagination to her perfect, athletic figure with the alabaster-white edge of her ample breasts peeking out between the top of her dress and her tanned skin. Her lovely trim legs are visible from several inches above her knees.

I’m HOT! Annie shouts as she sweeps up the dice. Jimmy, get up here!

Ouch! he yells again as he bumps the back of his head, this time on the underside of the craps table, and hollers into the phone, I’ll have to call you back!

OUCH! he yells even louder as he hits his head for the third time on the edge of the craps table as he emerges awkwardly back to Annie’s side and coos, Let me kiss ’em.

She puckers her ruby-red lips and leans forward, her perfect breasts heaving in his direction, as he bends down and kisses the dice in her hand.

Hurry up and win, he says in a loud voice. Then he whispers, I’ve got to get back to our condo at Le Golfe Bleu and contact Miss Quarterpants on the secure line. And in a clear voice, he goes on, I’ll leave you the Peugeot, and gives her a long passionate kiss and the keys.

I thought you were through with that little tart, she scolds. Remember what happened last time? she adds with a good bit of irritation in her voice with the turn of events. I’ll take my time and lose all of your money, dearrr! Then she purrs, I love you, with a big smile and pushes him off. Then she adds, I hope you’ll be back before Christmas!

Remember, I kissed your bones for you! he barks. Then he coos, Love you too! as he heads for the elevator.

He trips and falls as the door opens and the operator says, Floor please.

Exiting the building, he hails a cab to take him back to their condo while nursing a sore head. It was a short drive to Roquebrune, Cap Martin and Le Golfe Bleu on the Cote d’Azur of France. He paid the cabbie and limped into the building, not falling in the elevator this time. He hit the wrong floor button again but managed to get to their floor on the second try. He located the new company phone which he received special delivery back in Seattle before leaving for France with Annie. After dialing a long set of numbers to secure the call on the special company line, it rings.

Miss Quarterpants, she answers. Jimmy, what took you so long?

I had to go back to Le Golfe Blue to get the phone. What’s so urgent, Miss Quarterpants?

Our new president needs you. The Russians are at it again. They are trying to secure a secret plan for a device that will impale our nuclear response ability. A German lady invented it and is trying to get it to the US and, of course, get mucho dollars from us. The Russians are trying to intercept it, she concludes.

HOLY COW! What do you want ME to do?

The chopper is on the way, she begins and continues, They’ll pick you up on the roof and take you to Nice, where you’ll catch a jet to the Charles de Gaulle Aeroport outside Paris, then by taxi to the Louvre, where you’ll pick up the package to bring back here to Washington, DC.

Can I bring Annie with me? he pleads.

NO! GO RIGHT NOW! There’s no time! she insists.

Okay, I’ll just—

NO! she cuts him off. We’ll take care of Annie. Goodbye, and good luck, Jimmy.

Miss Quarterpants hangs up the phone and looks up at the big middle-aged man with a short cropped blond hair who is dressed in a blue suit, white shirt, and light-blue stripped tie and says, Okay, Bill, I’ve done your dirty work for you. But you better make sure nothing bad happens to Jimmy.

Oh! Miss Quarterpants, you need not worry your pretty blonde head. He’ll be fine. We have it all worked out, Bill assures her.

What do we tell him about the German lady? she asks, receiving only a blank look.

Jimmy hears the roar of the helicopter engines as he finishes a note to Annie. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you!’ he writes and places a rose from the arrangement on the dining table next to the note. He grabs his brown fedora hat and brown cashmere sport coat before climbing the ladder from the balcony to the roof.

The Blackhawk has just landed. A suit, dressed in ‘company’ attire—a cheap black suit, matching tie, white shirt, dark sun glasses, and spit shined shoes—waves him over to the aircraft and Jimmy climbs in awkwardly.

Do you guys know anything? Jimmy asks.

Nope! replies the pilot in company attire sans jacket but with a black ball cap, Just to get you to the jet in Nice. We’ve got five minutes. Buckle up! he shouts as the plane jerks up into the air.

The engines roar, and they are at the Nice Aeroport in almost no time.

The white Lear jet shines in the bright sunlight on the runway. The engines are starting to wail as Jimmy is escorted to the plane by the suit who climbs in with him.

I’M DAVE! BUCKLE UP, the new pilot, a blond-haired young man in a black naval officer’s uniform hollers as the doors close, and he shoves the throttle forward, and the three of them are slammed into the back of their seats as the jet goes vertical!

We’ll be at de Gaulle in about an hour, Dave announces as the plane levels off. Did you get your briefing from Missy?

Brief is an accurate description. Just to pick up a package at the Louvre in Paris, Jimmy replies. He then asks, What’s this all about?

The suit interjects, We can’t tell you much since we are ‘not in the know.’ So just relax.

Ahh…I’ll try, Jimmy volunteers. I can’t believe this is happening to me again, especially after I told them that I couldn’t do this anymore.

He wonders to himself what kind of a mess that he has gotten himself into this time. He adjusts his seat back so he can relax and begins to reminisce about his life with Annie. He never knows if he will come back alive from an SSSO mission.

Annie and Jimmy were childhood sweethearts. When her family moved to his small home town in Texas, Jimmy’s mother sent him to deliver a package of special Ceylon tea to welcome them to town. She kept some on hand, blended by her stepfather, an eccentric tea taster from New York and an ordained Episcopal priest. Only eight