Help Me, I'm Married in the Military: Practical Insights for a Strong Marriage

By Paul Tremblay

Today's military is comprised of patriotic men and women who take an oath and are willing to give their lives in defense of our nation. Our nation's service members are well-trained and prepared for the rigors of deployments and combat, but unfortunately, most are ill-prepared for the rigors of marriage.

Help Me, I'm Married in the Military is based on my twenty years of experience as a Navy Chaplain and the thousands of hours I've spent working with struggling couples who came to me looking to save their marriages. It is my attempt to equip our service men and women who are married or are looking to get married with some basic tools and knowledge essential for marital success in a very demanding environment. You will learn about marriage and love, and we will consider a number of particular challenges of being married in the military. Help Me, I'm Married in the Military can help you enjoy a close, rewarding marriage while serving in our nation's armed forces.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 23, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098059842

Paul Tremblay

Paul Tremblay has won the Bram Stoker, British Fantasy, and Massachusetts Book awards and is the nationally bestselling author of The Beast You Are, The Pallbearers Club, Survivor Song, Growing Things and Other Stories, Disappearance at Devil’s Rock, A Head Full of Ghosts, and the crime novels The Little Sleep and No Sleep Till Wonderland. His novel The Cabin at the End of the World was adapted into the Universal Pictures film Knock at the Cabin. He lives outside Boston with his family.

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Help Me, I'm Married in the Military

Practical Insights for a Strong Marriage

Paul Tremblay

Copyright © 2020 by Paul Tremblay

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

The views presented are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of the Department of Defense or its Components.

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

It Takes More Effort to Get a Driver’s License than a Marriage License

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Learning to Tango, Military Style

Three Steps to Emotional Bliss

Stuff Could Be Better, Stuff Could Be Worse, Be Content with Your Stuff

I’d Love the Military if My Spouse Didn’t Have to Deploy

Words of Wisdom for the Deploying Service Member

Houston, We Have a Problem

One Team, One Fight!

Balancing Kids and Marriage

How Do You Spell Stress? PCS

Don’t Lose Sight of the Bigger Picture

Three Options, One Decision: What to Do about Infidelity

Choose Your Destiny

Cheri

Introduction

For those who have served, you know that being on active duty in the military can be challenging. Add marriage to the mix and you have a different animal altogether. Serving in the military adds a dimension of stress to a marriage that ordinary civilian couples never have to cope with; deployments, workups, training exercises, PCS moves, and multiple school systems can weigh heavily on the hearts and minds of couples involved in this demanding lifestyle. Despite these stressors of military life, couples can enjoy a close, rewarding marriage while serving in our nation’s armed forces.

Today’s military is comprised of patriotic men and women who take an oath and are willing to give their lives in defense of our nation. Our nation’s service members are well-trained and prepared for the rigors of deployments and combat but, unfortunately, most are ill-prepared for the rigors of marriage.

From the first day of boot camp, military members are trained in what to do and how to do it. They’re trained in how to wear their uniform and how to handle their weapon. They’re instructed on how to wear their hair. They’re trained and prepared for every aspect of military life with the exception of how to be successfully married in the military. Up to this point, there has been no standardized training required for service members regarding marriage, and many simply don’t know how to avoid the common pitfalls that contribute to marital failure. As a result, a large majority of couples who get married while in the military (nearly 70 percent of Marines at the E-5 and below pay grades) end up divorcing.¹

It’s a travesty! Our military has the most loyal and dedicated citizens in its ranks. If this same loyalty and dedication can be channeled into their relationships, I’m convinced the divorce rates among military couples would drop, and we’d have more lifelong, successful, vibrant marriages among our ranks.

This book is written to address what I believe it takes to achieve marital success in today’s military. Help Me, I’m Married in the Military is based on my twenty years of experience as a Navy Chaplain and the hundreds of hours I’ve spent working with struggling couples who came to me looking to save their marriages. I started to write this book in 2007 while assigned as the chaplain for America’s Battalion, 3d Battalion, 3d Marines. The stories and experiences of this book are rooted in my work with Marines and Sailors, but the lessons and insights are universal and applicable to all married couples in military service and out.

I define successful marriage as a lifelong, loving, caring, nurturing, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship with your spouse. My wife and I have been happily married for over thirty years. With my time in the National Guard and Navy Reserve before coming back on active duty, twenty-nine of those thirty years have been affiliated with the military. We have made six deployments, numerous workups, and eight PCS moves since I rejoined the Navy as a chaplain in late 2000, including two combat deployments to Iraq with the United States Marines in support of Operation IRAQI FREEDOM.

I don’t profess to be perfect, and I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way; yet, my wife and I are enjoying a successful marriage in today’s military. What’s the secret? Let me tell you; it simply takes a lot of love, a good understanding of what elements go into a successful marriage, and two people who are committed to its success.

As a chaplain, I have yet to officiate at a marriage where the couple did not intend to stay married for life. People typically don’t marry with the intent of getting divorced; yet, it happens all too often. You may be reading this book and your marriage may be on the verge of crumbling. Divorce may seem like the only option. You’re burnt out and you’re frustrated. You’ve been cheated on. You’ve been putting up with it for so long and you’re about to throw in the towel.

My goal is that this book will provide you with some insight, some guidance, or some degree of encouragement that will motivate you to dig deep and exercise the resolve needed to achieve marital success in today’s military. Will it be easy to right the ship? Maybe not, but it will be worth it. Remember, there is no magic formula; it simply takes a lot of love, a good understanding of what elements go into a successful marriage, and two people who are committed to its success.

Help Me, I’m Married in the Military is my attempt to equip our service men and women who are married or are looking to get married with some basic tools and knowledge essential for marital success in a very demanding environment. I begin with the bigger concepts of marriage and love and then look at a number of particular challenges of being married in the military. Please read this book as a couple and take time to discuss the content. I’m confident that with a little effort and redirection, you can achieve marital success in today’s military.

May God richly bless your marriage through the reading of this book.

Chapter 1

It Takes More Effort to Get a Driver’s License than a Marriage License

Do you remember when you first got your driver’s license? It’s been well over thirty years for me, somewhere around thirty-six to be exact. When I became of age and got my permit, I began honing my driving skills and studying for the written test.

The state of Massachusetts (and yes, I’m a Red Sox and Patriots fan) required that I hold a permit for a period of time before I was eligible to take the written and driving tests. I had to memorize arm signals, rules of the road, etc. When test day came around, and only after I had passed the written exam, it was the instructor and me on the open road for the driving test. He made me do three-point turns, accelerate into traffic, parallel park, and so on. He didn’t grant me my license until he was confident that I knew what I was doing and that I could be trusted behind the wheel. And I’m proud to say that I passed the first time without a hitch.

It’s no different in the military. During my time in Iraq, the Marine Corps was introducing a new vehicle for use in combat; it’s called the MRAP (mine-resistant, ambush-protected). It’s a beast! Here’s a snapshot of what it takes to become a licensed MRAP operator. First of all, you have to be licensed to drive an up-armored high mobility multipurpose wheeled vehicle (HMMWV). Then there are hours of classroom time, required hours of daytime driving, nighttime driving, driving with night-vision goggles, driving with blackout lights, off-road driving, and a skills test that you have to pass to include navigating through cones. In other words, the Marine Corps is not going to let a Marine drive an MRAP until they are confident that the Marine is fully prepared to operate the vehicle safely and successfully.

Getting a driver’s license is pretty important stuff, right? Do you know what it takes to get a marriage license in most states? Typically, a brief application and some money! It’s that easy. What a shame! Marriage is one of life’s most important decisions. You will experience years of joy or years of pain based on this one decision, and there’s virtually nothing you have to do to prepare for it.

I’ve counseled hundreds of young Marines and Sailors who have come to me days before a deployment wanting to get married. Looking back on my records, from October 2006 through April 2007 alone, I counseled seventy Marines who were looking to get married; seventy young Marines without an ounce of marital experience and no training, looking to marry typically within two weeks from meeting with me.

Following my deployment in 2007, I counseled with 112 Marines and Sailors looking to marry. In virtually every case, the couple hadn’t known each other very long; they didn’t have a solid plan laid out for where she was going to live while he