Bloody Hell !!

By Alan Hale

Alan's book started life as a collection of true stories of his days working at Sydney's Taronga Park Zoo as a 15-year-old. At this time, relatively innocent in the ways of the world, he had moved from Launceston, Tasmania to the "Big Smoke" (Sydney) by himself. He was ripe for absorbing experiences, a bit like a blank canvas. So without realizing it, he began living life determined to experience as much as possible.
Writing down his 'L'\.t the Zoo time" included allowing 30 monkeys to escape into the Sydney suburbs, chasing Fairy Penguins down to the harbor, remembering some dangerous times with the elephants, being responsible for the death of two of Sir Edward Halstrom's favorite albino Kangaroos. (for which he was sacked from his position, quite unfairly he might add). It was only when he began to write down his life's journey, he realized he had lived an extraordinary life, full of humor and worthy of sharing.
Two of the stories have been played on Macca's morning show and Elizabeth Kulas' ABC podcast "DAYS LIKE THESE". Each receiving positive feedback! There are 126 different, mostly funny stories. All of them are true and good Aussie humor

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mulga Mob Publishing
• Release date: Nov 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005348861

Book preview

Bloody Hell!!

How can anyone survive that....

.....and still be alive!!

by Alan Hale

Copyright 2022 Alan Hale

Published by Alan Hale at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Introduction

This book was begun purely because I wanted to write down my experiences when I worked at the Taronga Park Zoo .

I was 15 years old and relatively innocent in the ways of the world, having moved from Launceston to the ‘big smoke’, Sydney, by myself.

I was ripe for absorbing experiences, a bit like a blank canvas. So, without realising it, I began to absorb life and was determined to experience as much as was possible.

The writing started when we parked in the Reserve on Gwydir River in NSW. I had stories from my days working at Taronga Zoo when I was 15 years old. They have been floating around for a long time, so I decided to put them to paper. Once I started, they would not stop! The Zoo stories gave way to life experiences right up to present!

Most of them are funny and some hilarious. I’ve been shot with arrows, broken nearly ever bone in my body, stabbed (accidently), cleared the street with a shotgun, carried a live bomb five km to trade on a two headed lamb, survived an attack by an angry elephant. Nearly sunk in my own yacht, lost in Bangkok, need I say more!

Acknowledgements

I have to thank my long-term friend Leon Routley who participated in my early life, and with whom I am still friends today. And my wife, Shu-Hsin who patiently typed out some 58000 words on her smartphone and took over the technical side of it all.

I say, Thank you, Thank you!

I would like to also acknowledge Marg from 'Mulga Mob Publishing' for bringing this book to fruition and creating my website http://alanhale.com.au/

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Chapter One - Early Memory

The Climber

My earliest memory was when at about two and half years old, I remember the nappy I had on, and I was standing on the front steps of Hart Street Launceston. Our next-door neighbour, Mr Robinson came over to visit and I remember saying to him, Hello, Mr Wobinson!.

We had Dalmatians then, at least two of them and they were adept at jumping over the front gate which seemed pretty high, or so I thought. My father built a wire netting top for the gate which probably took the overall height to two metres. I would have been two to three years old and was enthusiastic to test the height, so I climbed up using my toes. My mother was horrified as I sat on the top balancing. The Dalmatians copied me and climbed to the top as well.

I once climbed onto the roof and was happily walking along the gutter with no fear until my father threatened me with the strap unless I came down. I came down by jumping into my father's arms from ten foot up.

Red Dye Test

The house in Hart Street had a laundry with a cement tub and my mother stored various items there as nothing was ever thrown away in those days. Some favourite items were given a new lease on life by dying the colour, then recycling. I found a bottle of particularly red dye and decided to experiment with it.

Unfortunately, it was worse than beetroot juice and managed to spread itself over my clothes, body including my feet and hair. I glanced at myself in a mirror and decided I better cover up and get to the bathroom. This required walking through the kitchen where my mother was preparing something. I looked around the laundry and could see nothing that would cover me except an old baby mattress behind the door. This I attempted to wrap around myself not very successfully and proceeded to walk into the kitchen.

What have you been doing? She asked.

Nothing I replied and continued walking where upon the mattress fell off me. My mother gasped then burst into laughter.

I was told that I looked like a carrot with legs and it took weeks for the dye to disappear. I wasn’t allowed out in public.

Asleep

I can only recant this story as I wasn’t really there. But apparently at dinner time all of us were called as usual and I was always the first one to the table. Not this time, my absence was noticed and my brothers were sent to get me. They returned empty handed and a search of the house was begun. Soon the neighbours were involved and not long afterwards the whole street was out in force armed with torches. After some time a panic started to form as people ran back and forth between houses shouting my name. We’d better call the police was put to my ever-panicked parents. They duly came and drove down the street full of people rushing to and fro with torches.

The Sargent asked the typical stupid question Have you checked all the rooms?.

Yes was the answer.

Then we had better do them again!

He stepped in to the laundry and looked behind the door. Has he got blonde hair and he is about three or four years old?

Yes! came the answer.

Asleep behind the door! He said.

The Sargent was offered a few long necks and happily headed off. Everyone who was part of the search, some twenty or thirty people all had to look at the sleeping child. I awoke and have never seen our house so crowded. Beers were handed around and everyone went home happy.

At least I didn’t get into trouble! This time!

Gold Fish Galore

I was a climber, and nothing was safe!

The next-door neighbour had a great garden, most people did in those days and very often a cabbage or lettuce would appear on the fence post, nothing was needed to be said, that’s how it was then.

The love of our neighbour's life was a pond that he had also built in the backyard, filled with goldfish. His greatest disappointment was that they never bred. One day I climbed the six-foot fence separating the property, went to his shed, found some fish food (fertiliser) which I proceeded to feed to the fish. Having emptied the entire contents into the pond I climbed back up to the fence as I heard him come home in his car. I was enthusiastic to tell him that I had fed the fish.

When he saw the empty fertiliser container in the pond he yelled out to mother Alan’s killed all my fish

My mother said, Did you see him do it?

Well, no he said. But who else could it be.

My mother from the back step said, If he could climb that fence and do that, then he deserves to get a medal.

The neighbour did not speak to us for two weeks until we heard a shriek from his backyard, and we could see his head bobbing up and down as if dancing around the pond.

All the fish had bred, they had doubled in population overnight!

Love at First Sight

My brothers and I often went to Saturday pictures. One session we saw The Adventures of Robin Hood, starring Errol Flynn. The movie was great, but for me, Maid Marion became the instant love of my life. I went all woozy and could not speak.

My two older brothers told me that she lived not far from where we lived, and they would show me after the movie. I was besotted and willingly followed them to one of the stately homes on the main road to the city.

If you wait here, you probably will see her! they said. So, I hung around that gate for nearly four hours, no doubt perplexing the occupiers. Finally, my parents turned up, it was getting dark, after interrogating my brothers and finding out where I was.

They got into trouble! I didn’t.

Who's Got the Bullet

I don’t know how old I was, but it was first year primary school. I had found a bullet at home, not an uncommon article as my father had several rifles. So I popped it into my pocket and went to school. Somehow it ended up in this little fellow’s hand and was discovered by our teacher who immediately reported to the principal, a motherly woman slightly overweight and we were terrified of her as she had made us stayed after the bell to sing the fluffy duck song until we all got it right. It was probably only five minutes after school, but to all of us it felt like an hour.

The whole class was questioned with only the little fellow and me left trembling in the office. Now, one of you has to own up who bought this to school? holding up the offending article. Come on, who was it? neither of us spoke. Come on! She shouted.

I was a split second from stepping forward, when suddenly the little guy blurted It was me. I brought it in. I was gobsmacked! I turned to look at him and he started to bawl.

The principal clasped him to her bosom. You can go now, Mr Hale!

I don’t remember ever seeing him again, maybe he was thrown down the trapdoor we were sure was in her office. I don’t know! As a matter of fact, this is the first time I have mentioned it in 67 years.

If the little guy is still out there, I am sorry. I hope he didn’t suffer long term problem over it!

Whiskers Galore

My mother had gone across the road to have a tea and natter with one of the neighbours who happened to have a whole garden of Cactus. The path to the back door went through this garden. I had come looking for my mom and was skipping along the path when looking up, I saw my mother in the window. I tripped and fell face first into the Cactus. I stood up and as there was no immediate pain I continued to the back door and politely knocked on the door.

My mother opened it and stood back gasped then said Bev! You’ve got to come and see this! Bev came and they immediately began laughing. He looks like a cat! They said pointing and laughing. If this had been a modern day happening I would have been doing selfies with them!

The pain started to come and I started to cry which pulled them both back to reality. I was sat in a chair and promised ice-cream if I didn’t move. Then they sat with tweezers plucking at least 100 spines from my nose, cheeks, and top lip, all the time tittering and laughing. I saw nothing funny about it at all and was determined to hold them to their promise of ice-cream and maybe more if I played my cards right!

The Bikies Triumph

All the bikes us kids had were made up of bits and pieces scrounged from the dump. A good day was when we took a load to the dump and came

Reviews for Bloody Hell !!

[Kylie Reynolds · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Brilliant! Laugh out Loud, true stories of youthful and not-so-youthful escapades of Australian life.