ExMuse Me: Nine Heirs and a Spare, #4

By Donna McDonald

ExMuse Me is a Paranormal Women's Fiction and Fantasy novel, and the latest action and adventure tale from USA Today Bestselling Author Donna McDonald.

 

If Pan calls me a terrible Muse one more time, I'm going to flatten him into a Pan-cake. 

 

I may need the musical son of Hermes to help me solve tasks six and seven, but if the lecherous Satyr goes for the grope on me, I'm chopping off his fingers. It's going to be hard to play that magical flute he loves without them. Pan hurt one of my Muse sisters once. He's lucky to still be alive.

 

Did I tell you about the robot I have to fight? Yes, robot. I don't know what else to call him. Hephaestus, the God of Fire made Talos long ago as an unbeatable metal warrior to guard Crete. Now the robot with laser beam eyes serves as a guardian for Gaia. There's not enough room for both of us on the Great Mother's secret island and I'm not leaving until I'm done.

 

This is only a fraction of why I have bigger problems than worrying about what chaos a lecherous Satyr is causing. Or what's got Athena's panties so twisted up. I haven't killed the amnesiac version of Zeus yet. Actually, I kind of like him now. I'd be fine never restoring him.

 

So far, I'm staying as upbeat as I can about things, but I'd be better if Cale stopped releasing his inner Dragon out into the world in the middle of the hardest challenge of the prophecy.

 

Gaia's gardener—who gender identifies as "we"—helps the way the Fates do. In other words, "they" weren't inclined to provide me with any real information. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Donna McDonald
• Release date: Dec 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9781950619399

Donna McDonald

Donna McDonald published her first romance novel in March of 2011. Fifty plus novels later, she admits to living her own happily ever after as a full-time author. Her work spans several genres, such as contemporary romance, paranormal, and science fiction. Humor is the most common element in all her writing. Addicted to making readers laugh, she includes a good dose of romantic comedy in every book.

Book preview

Chapter

One

Brain fog from a restless night made me wonder if I was imagining the golden warrior blocking the hallway to the kitchen.

Why are you here? Go away, the warrior ordered.

I blinked a few times, but the warrior held her ground. That told me I wasn’t dreaming, and that it was Athena glaring at me, dressed in her solid gold breastplate and brandishing her shiny sword.

I grunted in my twin’s general direction. Move, before I give you the butt-kicking you’re begging for. I’m hungry, and I’m going to the kitchen to cook breakfast. You do not want to get in between me and food this morning.

Athena leaned back into a fight stance and glared at me as she yelled. Know this, Atlanta, if you attempt to harm Zeus, I will strike you down with no regrets.

Tired of her crap, I gave her a middle finger salute and yelled back. Says the nearly powerless woman who’d still be a freaking cage if I hadn’t freed her. Get out of my face.

Good morning, ladies. Isn’t it a little early in the day for a life and death fight in the hallway, complete with weapons?

Cale, the grinning shirtless wonder, asked his sleepy question while leaning in the doorway of his bedroom, looking all sexy and fresh from bed. I nearly sighed. Instead, I settled for rolling my eyes and grinning. Mnemosyne must have brought Sir Shags-A-Lot home with her last night. I thought I felt the house shaking, but after catching them doing the deed once, I knew better than to check.

Cale smiled at me. Too bad it wasn’t us shaking the house. Sorry I fell asleep on you.

Keeping my grin in place, as well as my pride, I lifted my shoulders and let them drop. I could have snuck into his room and his bed, but after my uncle erasing Cale’s memories, the man I lusted for no longer remembered us being lovers. It didn’t seem right to take advantage no matter how okay Cale professed to be. Perhaps my long-term business relationship with the chaste Sisters of Santa Maria sopra Minerva in Rome had blessed me with some Catholic sex guilt. All I knew for certain was that I wanted to wait.

Besides, Cale had earned his right to sleep undisturbed after he’d rescued Indar. I was still amazed he hadn’t needed my help to do so. Of course, he’d had Cerberus helping him, which I knew from playing with him in my childhood how great a three-headed Hellhound could be as a partner.

Reeling in my libido like a mature woman, I kept my grin in place. You get a complete pass. The Underworld messes with you even after you’re out of it. Want some breakfast?

Yes. I’m starving, Cale said with a relieved smile. Let me toss on some clothes, and I’ll help you cook.

I kept my gaze on him while I pointed to Athena. I’d love help, but before you go ruining my scenery this morning, can you do anything about her before I do something I might regret?

Cale snickered. Athena’s not a real problem. Your infamous twin’s just hangry.

I snickered at his logic. Athena probably is hangry. I know she worked out this morning long before my eyes opened. She never fails to do it. Every. Single. Day. I’d be a grumpus too if I forced myself to do that.

I am not that word you called me, Athena denied with a shoulder lift. But I could eat as well.

I let my eye roll and shaking head communicate my disgust of her capitulation for the sake of food. I’d yet to see my sister feed herself without help.

Move your golden butt out of my way then, I ordered as I charged forward.

Athena gasped at my lack of fear and flattened herself against the wall, which meant I pushed her pointy metal boobs sideways as I went by. I may have also used my arm to flatten her against the wall outside Mother’s room because… well, just because.

Part of me hoped our mock fight woke Zeus and Mother. I was eager to see what the memory dust had done to the birth father I detested.

In the kitchen, a knock on the patio door had me glaring at the closed curtains blocking out the light. Expecting it to be some of the Muses coming to visit, I slid the curtains open to glare at whoever was on the other side of the glass.

I grunted when I saw it was Apollo and Pythia who stood on the patio. My handsome half-brother waved and smiled at me.

Constraining my eye roll to merely glancing off for a moment, I finally wrestled the door open after several tries of the lock. It needed replacing. It had for six years. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been busy trying to help us survive the Mortal Realm. Couldn’t someone other than me call a freaking locksmith?

I motioned them to come inside, but grunted out, No talking to me or being cheerful until I get coffee made.

Apollo chuckled as he followed me to the kitchen. Pythia sighed as she followed behind us. My mischievous brother leaned against the counter, grinning at me as I made the caffeinated brew I so desperately needed this morning.

Visiting the Underworld had left me feeling drained as well. Although I’d been disappointed when Cale showered and fell asleep in his own bed, I hadn’t been up for fighting about it or even talking to him.

Before my eyes closed, I’d stared at the ceiling for hours, contemplating all the problems having more power again had brought to me. While not even close to the amount of power I was once used to wielding, I currently had way more power in me than Cale was used to sensing.

He kept saying he wasn’t intimidated by it, but I no longer believed him. If I hadn’t intimidated him, he would have crawled into bed with me last evening and used me as his pillow like he typically did.

I sighed as I set several cups on the counter. Sighing again, I traipsed to the refrigerator for milk and to the pantry for sugar. Unless it came from a coffee shop, I took nothing in my coffee, but Mother Mnemosyne had drilled being an excellent hostess into all ten females she’d raised. Like it or not, I remained a Muse in small, annoying ways that randomly showed up in my life. People close to me were usually the only ones seeing those habits, but my manners were appearing in broad daylight this morning.

Inside, though, I resented having to cook my own breakfast. Yesterday’s epic battle with Hades was also apparently yesterday’s news, and something not worth talking about today. During my Roman years, when I lived undercover as their Goddess of War, the Roman soldiers would have pampered me for weeks after I’d helped them win a major battle.

Yet here I was this morning—warrior triumphant over the Underworld—standing in my kitchen making coffee for a houseful of people who shouldn’t even be here. Gaia knew, I had invited none of them. Mother hadn’t either.

We were being invaded by friendlies and new family. I had no idea why they couldn’t take care of themselves.

Mother Mnemosyne and I shared morning catatonia and routinely avoided even each other until we were properly caffeinated. We would never willingly expose others to our mental struggle for functionality unless it was an avoidable circumstance like a lover sleeping over.

Since my lover slept in his own bed last night instead of mine, I was not in the best of moods this morning. I wanted people out of my face instead of here waiting around for coffee.

Evidently undeterred by regrets of any sort, I watched Cale as he good morning-ed his way through the crowd now gathered in the small room. Athena’s armor made her take up as much space as two people. It was all I could do not to snarl at her for her gleaming presence.

All I needed now was for Mother and Zeus to join us in the kitchen. Wouldn’t that be worse than Underworld’s pit of despair? Yes. Yes, I believe it would.

Cale slid his body in front of Apollo’s taking the coffee pot out to pour an early cup. Normally, I would have yelled at him for cheating the pot before it finished brewing. Today, I was curious to see how long it would take Cale to push enough of Apollo’s buttons for my godly half-brother to go nova on his Dragon butt.

Instead of drinking the coffee and gloating like I expected him to do, Cale pushed the cup into my hand and pointed to the table. Go sit down and drink this before you kill someone. You’re vibrating with irritation.

If I am, it’s her fault, I mumbled, pointing to Athena before doing as ordered.

Athena blew out a breath. I’m just doing my job. I’m not over-reacting.

Yes, you are, I said, giving her a pointed glare. Technically, this is my mother’s house. I will not kill my mother’s lover while he’s under her roof. Also, I’m not some sniveling coward. I’m not going to harm someone who doesn’t know who in seven hells I am. So let me drink my coffee in peace, Athena. In case you forgot, I won a freaking war yesterday and saved your ungrateful butt.

Knock. Knock. Good morning, Mellie sang out, coming through the patio door. I brought emergency pastries as requested.

Thanks, Mellie, Cale said, taking the box from her. You’re my hero... I mean, heroine.

From my seat, I watched as Mellie stood on her toes to kiss Cale’s cheek. Thunder rumbled overhead outside. My beautiful sister winced as she glanced at the door. Oh, dear… a storm’s coming. I don’t want to get wet. See you all later, she said before running off.

Shame on you, Cale said as he turned to me. But he said it with a grin and while putting a chocolate-covered donut on a napkin in front of me. You’re not cooking today. I’m cooking. Suddenly, his phone went off. See? Breakfast is done and already at the gate. Let me jog out and get it.

I rolled my eyes and ate my peace-making donut as Cale ran off.

Excuse me. Can someone tell me where the towels are? I thought I’d grab a quick shower.

My cup nearly slipped from my hands as I stared at a shirtless, studly looking Zeus in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. He stood on the threshold of the kitchen, looking at us all with a complete blankness about who we were. Not only was my amnesiac father’s politeness a shock, but the fact he asked instead of demanding shocked me too.

That memory erasing dust was powerful stuff.

I hadn’t been raised around my father, but I knew men like him. Zeus was the type who would get into the shower without thinking and then scream for Mother to bring him a towel when he needed one. Or he might strut bare butt through the house while dripping water all over.

I didn’t want to see my insensitive birth-father naked under any circumstances but couldn’t deny the appeal of having something to blackmail him with. When you couldn’t kill an enemy, I’d found the next best thing was to humiliate them.

I learned that from my Roman days when I moonlighting as Goddess Minerva.

While everyone else gawked, I set down my coffee and smiled at him like I might have at any other guest in my home. Good morning. Before you run off to shower, I have a question for you. What do you remember about yesterday?

Zeus softly chuckled as he thought before answering. Mnemosyne should have warned me there would be a quiz this morning. Let’s see. The last thing I remember from yesterday is having a headache and Mnemosyne talking me into sleeping over at her place. Are all of you her roommates?

I smiled as I picked up my coffee. No, I’m her daughter. The rest of these people are simply unwanted guests who showed up for coffee. Except for Cale—the Dragon is my guest. He’s staying here like you are.

Dragon? Aren’t they extinct? Zeus asked, wrinkling up his face.

They’re not, but don’t worry. Cale won’t hurt you. He’s a helpful Dragon.

Call it a moment of weakness, but I felt a need to reassure the normally cruel King of the Olympians who’d obviously forgotten he’d once trapped and tortured Indar Drakon, aka Cale’s Dragon ancestor. Zeus had also made Indar the first Dragon shifter for reasons I still wasn’t clear about, but not knowing the story didn’t stop the repercussions from it from biting me on the butt.

Athena glared at me. Mnemosyne is not your mother. You’re not related to her at all. My twin squealed and jumped to the side when Mnemosyne mildly electrified her armor.

"Atlanta most certainly is my daughter," Mnemosyne said in her most Indignant Goddess tone, shoving her way through the crowd.

Watching someone else torment Athena for her snark greatly improved my morning.

I bounded from the table to beat Mother to the coffeepot. I poured her a cup and fixed it just the way she liked it before handing it to her with a smile.

Sorry, Mother. I didn’t invite these people. They were all here when I got up.

Well, I didn’t invite them either, she said. Taking a sip, she set it down and put her arms around me for a hug. Thank you for not killing Hades yesterday. Persephone got in touch and said things went well.

They did—thanks to her. I honestly mean that. Persephone sided with me and Athena. Uncle Hades couldn’t believe his wife would leave because of his action. Their love for each other was what convinced Hades to stop fighting me. You need to forgive her, Mother.

I’ll be friendly, but I’m not making any more memory-erasing dust for either of them. They’ve caused enough trouble.

I led Mother to the chair I’d vacated and guided her down. I don’t want you to make more dust for them. I’m just saying don’t hate Persephone or hold her responsible for something Uncle Hades did. I’m not even mad at him anymore. He swore an oath to Gaia not to interfere with my work on the prophecy.

Apollo walked to my mother and picked up her hand to kiss her knuckles. Hello, beautiful Mnemosyne. It’s been a long time. Sorry to barge in on you without prior warning.

I like Apollo, Mother. He gets to stay, I told her with a grin, which prompted a snicker from the now grinning Sun God. I was really, really glad we hadn’t killed each other when we met.

Dearest Apollo, Mother cooed with a smile. You’re more handsome than I remember. Aging agrees with you, just like it does your father.

Apollo smiled widely and held out a hand to Pythia, who was sitting quietly in a chair and saying nothing. And this is Priestess Pythia, the woman behind the renown Oracle of Delphi.

I felt sorry for Pythia. She hated being in the middle of this chaos even more than I did. The snake woman and I had a lot in common.

Mother turned to smile at her. Hello, Pythia dear. Your father was quite the male. We dated briefly after your mother died. I was so sorry to hear he’d been killed by those crazy mortals in Central America. After the Spanish invaded, the locals in that country were never the same.

Thank you for your condolences, Mnemosyne. Father lived a full life and served Gaia well, Pythia said.

Indeed, he did, Mnemosyne said as she sipped her coffee.

I could see Pythia scrutinizing a woman who’d dated her father Python, yet also had a half-naked Zeus wandering out of her bedroom. I might have done the same in her place.

Speaking of Zeus…

I looked back at the doorway and smiled at him. He was still patiently waiting for help and seemed immensely relieved I’d finally noticed him again. Mother had blew by him in her coffee seeking haze.

I’m sorry. We never helped you find a towel.

I turned to my livid twin, who didn’t want me saying two words to the man who’d raised her and abandoned me.

Athena, since Zeus is officially your charge, go help him find a towel. They’re stored in the usual place. He can shower in the bathroom off Mother’s bedroom since he’s her guest.

I got a glare for giving my sister an order, but Athena, in full armor, still ushered our birth father away. He really didn’t seem to know any of us—not even his precious firstborn.

Athena remained guilt ridden because Zeus got his memory erased while she’d been guarding him. Her failure to protect him that day had oddly translated into her standing guard outside the room last night where he’d slept with Mnemosyne in blissful ignorance of who he was.

Apollo had given a small glance to the nearly-nude amnesiac father he, Athena, and I shared, but there wasn’t much pity in it. He was still trying to heal Zeus, or at least I was fairly sure he was sincerely trying to help him get his memories back.

When Apollo’s gaze returned to me, we exchanged a look that told me my half-brother was thinking the same thing I was. Zeus seemed a better person without his memories. The blank version was much nicer.

Or at least that’s what I wanted to think about our sibling eye exchange.

Honestly? I was equal parts thrilled and worried about Zeus not recognizing me at all.

My only issue was that someone needed to run the pantheon while I finished the other four tasks of the prophecy. Apollo didn’t want the job. With only limited power, Athena couldn’t do the job. Who was left? Ares remained a frozen statue and couldn’t do it, though no one would want him having that much say over them.

Mnemosyne sighed. I didn’t sleep well. Athena was outside the bedroom all night clanking around in her stupid armor.

I chuckled at what Mother wasn’t saying. Then I said it aloud for everyone to hear. So no nookie then? I’d feel sorry for you, but I didn’t get any either.

Atlanta… Apollo exclaimed with a chuckle.

I burst out laughing, enjoying the banter.

No, I didn’t get any, Mnemosyne reported with an eye twinkle. The only reason Zeus is with me is that he’s attracted to me. He has no memories of us being lovers already.

Wow, I said, sipping my coffee. Welcome to my world.

Yes. Now I see what you’ve been dealing with. I regret not being more sympathetic to your situation with Cale.

I waved off her apology. It’s all good. Any luck with finding an antidote? When Mnemosyne shook her head, I turned to Apollo. Any luck finding Zeus’s hidden stash of Ambrosia?

Apollo grunted. I think Ares stole it, but his mini-me brood of children aren’t confessing.

I lifted my coffee cup to drink. I know one of them. Eros owes me a favor. Want me to persuade him to give it up?

Not just yet. I’ve put out a call to the Demi-Gods still living in the God Realm. I promised a bag of gold to whoever finds some. I’d rather not risk Ares and his progeny tampering with the Ambrosia when they discover what’s happened.

I grunted. "Where were you planning to get your bag of gold, brother?"

Apollo chuckled. "Don’t fret, sister. You can keep paying your nuns their hush money."

Apollo… you swore to Gaia, I reminded him.

He poured himself a cup of coffee before turning to grin at me. I’m keeping my oath of secrecy, but no one said I couldn’t tease you.

Nuns? What nuns? Mnemosyne asked.

I sighed and mumbled into my cup. Sisters of Santa Maria sopra Minerva in Rome.

Oh. Those sisters. Are you seriously still paying them to keep their silence? Mnemosyne asked.

Frowning at my adopted mother’s near eye roll, I felt compelled to explain myself. Until I get everything moved from the catacombs to elsewhere—yes, I plan to keep paying them. Let’s talk about something else.

Breakfast’s here! Cale said loudly, carrying three giant bags of food into the kitchen. Hearty breakfast burritos, honey sopaipillas, and cinnamon sprinkled churros.

I walked to Cale and took the bags from him, one by one. I handed them off to Apollo, who put them on the counter.

You’re the best Dragon champion a Goddess ever had, I said and threw myself into his arms for a coffee-flavored morning kiss that promised far more than he’d probably expected merely for buying us food.

"And this is not your boon," I whispered when I caught my breath.

Are our days always crazy like this? he asked with a laugh.

I sighed as I put my forehead against his. Only lately, I whispered, and stole another kiss. The trick is not to get out of bed. I keep forgetting that part. See? Even I forget things.

Cale’s laughter vibrated our hug.

Chapter

Two

Zeus shook his head as he frowned at me. That can’t be true. I would never abandon a child.

I wanted to tell him he’d abandoned a gazillion children, and that I was only one of many. Sure, most of the others were half-mortal, and I was his second-born, but arguing with him at all would have taken all the brain cells I had.

Since I needed them to fix this, I restrained myself.

I was tempted to leave him like he was now. Though Zeus hadn’t liked my statement, my birth father watched me without judgment and without the cloud of having killed my birth mother hanging over his head.

And that reminded me that I still hadn’t told Athena about locking the spirit of our birth mother in the Dragon statue she’d made to replace the original one.

Rubbing my forehead, I made a mental note to tell her about Metis as soon as I could.

I had too many problems and not enough of me to go around fixing it all.

So instead, I grunted and crossed my arms. You kept Athena and gave me to Mnemosyne to raise, just like your father, the great Titan Cronus, gave you to the Centaurs to raise when you were born.

When Zeus stared at me in disbelief, I rolled my eyes.

"Look… your child abandonment habit is centuries-old news now. Nobody cares anymore, especially me. I detest you for multiple reasons that I won’t go into. What’s more important is that you don’t remember who you really are, so I have to fix you despite my true feelings."

You detest me that much? He sounded surprised by the news.

I held up a hand. No, not right now, but trust me, when you’re back to normal, it will be a case of mutual detestation. We normally don’t get along at all.

The man responsible for my existence scrubbed his face with his hands as he shook his head. I almost felt sorry for hitting him so hard with the bald truth. Almost.

This Zeus definitely wasn’t the Zeus that Athena and I were used to.

Leave him alone, Athena ordered. Can’t you see you’re upsetting him?

I rounded on my sister. Keeping the King of the Olympians in the dark about his reality will not help the situation. When his enemies discover what’s happened, Zeus is going to be a target. He’s protected from most people here at the Mega-Muse-Compound because the grounds are warded, but Gaia lets a surprising number of God Realm beings breach the wards.

I’ve seen no enemy here but you, Athena declared.