Mayberry Humor Across the USA

By Jeanne Robertson

Jeanne Robertson has made it a habit to look for the typed of humor found in the fictitious town of Mayberry, North Carolina. For years, she has shared her findings in speeches. Now she offers a collection of stories as evidence that this type of humor is alive, well, and far beyond the television screen. The accounts presented in this book are

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeanne Robertson
• Release date: Oct 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986140032

Jeanne Robertson

Jeanne Robertson, one of America's most loved and respected speakers and humorist, has amassed over 142 million views on YouTube and thousands of followers on Facebook. She is theauthor of 4 books and 9 CDs/DVDs, and she wrote a regular column for one of several local magazines from 2000 until 2021. Her most popular stories include "Don't Send a Man to the Grocery Store," "Don't Bungee Jump Naked," and "Don't Snap an Elephant to a Tree." During the pandemic, her "Live From the Back Porch" Facebook live shows were frequently in the top 10 for worldwide viewership, according to Pollstar.Originally from Graham, NC, Jeanne lived in Burlington, NC, for many years. In 1963, she wonthe Miss North Carolina Pageant and participated in the Miss America Pageant, where she was voted "Miss Congeniality." She is the tallest woman ever to compete in that pageant. After graduating from Auburn University in 1967, she taught physical education, coached basketball, and was a part-time professional speaker until 1976, when she began speaking full-time.She was a professional speaker with more than 50 years of experience. She received numerous awards, including every award and honor bestowed by the National Speakers Association and the highest Toastmasters Award, The Golden Gavel Award. Jeanne proudly asserts that speaking both English and Southern helped her achieve these honors.In 2010, she teamed up with Al McCree Entertainment. Together, they took her humor into theatres, where she introduced audiences to her cast of beloved characters, including her husband Jerry, a.k.a. "Left-Brain;" son Beaver; her long-time Executive Assistant Toni, a.k.a. "The Queen of the Tickets;" her "Bestest Friend" Norma Rose; and Jane Tucker "from NYC."On August 21, 2021, the world got a little less funny when Jeanne passed away peacefully in her home after a short illness. She was preceded in death by her beloved husband, Jerry.Jeanne's friends, family, and fans continue to remember her stories, ensuring that her legacy lives on as we all follow the advice that she so consistently gave: to keep laughing and look for the humor in any situation.

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 by Jeanne Robertson

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior written permission of the publisher.

First Edition hardback published 1995 by the Rich Publishing Co., Houston, TX.

Second Edition paperback published October, 2022 by JSR Inc.

Edited by Peg McCree

ISBN 979-8-9861400-2-5

eISBN 979-8-9861400-3-2

Printed in the United States of America

First eBook edition, October, 2022

Previous Works

Books by Jeanne Robertson

Don’t Let the Funny Stuff Get Away

Humor The Magic of Jeanne

Don’t Bungee Jump Naked and Other Important Stuff

Audio and video recording by Jeanne

Here She Is

Not Just For Laughs

Talkin’ Funny

Southern Style

Flat Out Funny

Just For Fun!

Looking For Humor

Fabulously Funny

Rocking Humor

Don’t Bungee Jump Naked and Other Important Stuff

(Audiobook)

To learn more about her products

go to JeanneRobertson.com

To purchase Original Jeanne Stuff apparel,

visit OriginalJeanneStuff.com

To Toni Meredith,

who has run my office since 1979 with

the enthusiasm of Barney Fife and the smarts of

Andy Taylor. To paraphrase Sheriff Taylor’s words

about his deputy, Toni doesn’t just work for me.

We’re pretty close friends.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Preface

PART I. INTRODUCING MAYBERRY HUMOR

It’s Me! It’s Me! It’s Jean . . . ne!

The Compelshion Complex

How Looking for Mayberry Humor Evolved

So, What is . . . Mayberry Humor

An Invitation Spread with a Little Jam

PART II. LOOKING NEARBY FOR MAYBERRY HUMOR

In the Mirror

In Our Families

In Our Friends

In Our Comings and Goings

In Our Work

In Bizarre Situations

PART III. FINDING MAYBERRY HUMOR ACROSS THE USA

Before the Trip

State-by-State Examples

It’s Time to Go

Appendix

Foreword

Jeanne began her speaking career in 1963. She had an enormously successful career as a professional speaker that took her to 49 states and numerous countries. Ten years ago, she teamed up with Al McCree and The Nashville People, to bring her humor to theater stages. When she passed unexpectedly in 2021, she had 55 bookings on her calendar as well as numerous convention speeches.

The goal of Jeanne’s family and friends and Thuh Nashville People - as she called us, is to continue to protect her legacy and promote her life’s work. We have already published a revised edition of her earlier book – Humor: The Magic of Jeanne. Its addition to the current genre of Humor books has clearly demonstrated that her humor is timeless.

Jeanne was a HUGE fan of everything Mayberry. She wrote Mayberry Humor Across the USA in part, to pay tribute to The Andy Griffith Show, to its characters, its actors and to the writers. But, as she makes clear in her introduction, she also wrote this book to demonstrate that Mayberry humor is not confined to a television show, it exists everywhere – you just have to look for it. And look for it - she did! Where and what she found is contained in these pages.

Mayberry Humor Across the USA is the closest we will come to Jeanne’s own autobiography of her years on the road as a professional speaker.

In this new edition, we have corrected a few minor errors, added several footnotes, and removed a few commas. Otherwise, Mayberry Humor Across the USA is just as Jeanne wrote it in 1995. We hope that while you enjoy the stories within these pages, you will also look for Mayberry Humor in your hometown and around the USA.

Acknowledgments

This book is not associated with The Andy Griffith Show , nor has it been endorsed, created, licensed, or authorized by either Mayberry Enterprises, Danny Thomas Enterprises, Andy Griffith, Viacom, Inc., CBS, Inc., or their successors in interest. However, it is to these people that I and all fans of Mayberry owe a big THANK YOU for providing quality entertainment that stands the test of time.

It is not my intention to in any way take credit for the superb writing, acting, producing, or directing connected with my all-time favorite television series, The Andy Griffith Show. I will be the first to praise those responsible for it, and to acknowledge that their talents certainly surpass mine. In doing research for this project, my admiration grew daily for what was accomplished by North Carolinian Andy Griffith, Executive Producer Sheldon Leonard, and the entire creative team.

Without examples from the series, it would have been impossible to lay out my theory of the current prevalence of Mayberry-type humor across the USA. Therefore, it was necessary to quote from scenes and discuss situations from the episodes. Although I had no scripts, I worked diligently to make sure the direct quotes used in this book were correct. Often, I had to guess at the spelling and used several of the excellent books about the show as resources. When in doubt, I had to guess how we would have spelled it in Graham, North Carolina.

All episodes are listed in the back of this book in numerical order according to when they were filmed, which is also the order in which they are most often aired in syndication. The writers, directors, and episode titles are also listed. Direct quotes setting the stage for current humor examples are credited by episode number and title. For smoother reading in the body of the work, direct quotes are credited by episode title only. In order to expedite the reader’s location of the creative source of specific lines from the series, the shows are also listed in the back of the book in alphabetical order. Repeated phrases and colloquialisms unique to the series are put in quotes to indicate . . . it’s Mayberry. Common, everyday southern colloquialisms and phrases that show up in the series but which have always been used regularly where I live, slide right through on their own.

The emphasis of this book is placed on a type of humor that evolved from the characters who lived in or occasionally passed through this small pretend North Carolina town of Mayberry. Therefore, there will be little naming of the actors and actresses who brought Mayberry characters to life. It is my hope they will take this as a compliment. They were so good at what they did that we know their characters as real people. Books written about the series provide an abundance of information about all individuals connected with the project. While that is not my purpose, let me take this opportunity to acknowledge the actors and actresses who played the most frequent and remembered roles. I have a genuine admiration for these individuals.

Five books were of tremendous help to me in this project and they are listed below. I eagerly recommend them if reading this book whets the appetite to know more about the series.

•Kelly, Richard. The Andy Griffith Show. Winston-Salem, J.F. Blair,1981.

•Beck, Ken, and Jim Clark. The Andy Griffith Show Book. St. Martin’s,1995. (Make sure to get this 35th Anniversary edition.)

•Spignesi, Stephen J. Mayberry My Hometown: The Ultimate Guidebook to America’s Favorite T.V. Small Town. Ann Arbor, Pierian,1987.

•Pfeiffer, Lee. The Official Andy Griffith Show Scrapbook. Citadel, 1994.

•Harrison, Dan, and Bill Habeeb. Inside Mayberry. HarperCollins, 1994.

•The Bullet, the official publication of The Andy Griffith Show Rerun Watchers Club, was another excellent written source of information. Written by Jim Clark, co-founder of the club and Presiding Goober of TAGSRWC, it is a quarterly, sixteen-page newsletter containing up-to-date information about everything and everybody connected with the show. In addition to writing and publishing The Bullet, Jim Clark is to be commended for his devotion to keeping Mayberry alive and serving as headquarters for the over 850 fan clubs spread throughout the world.

Editor’s note: The Bullet and the TAGSRWC are now available on the website: https://www.imayberry.com. TAGSRWC also has a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/tagsrwc.

A special thanks goes to Neal Brower, known as The Professor by ardent fans because of his continuing education course, "The Andy Griffith Show: An In-depth Study." This ten-week course was extremely valuable in my work, and Neal’s friendship and his encouragement with this project have been particularly appreciated. Mayberry fans appreciate his dedication in planning the 30th and 35th Anniversary Cast Reunions.

Editor’s note: Information about Prof. Brower’s lectures are located on the Andy Griffith Museum homepage: https://www.surryarts.org/agmuseum/index.html

My gratitude extends to the members of the Barney Chapter of TAGSRWC for their friendship and interest in this project and just for being good representatives of the Mayberry Attitude.

And also, my tremendous indebtedness to Jim Ballance, friend, and editor of the Barney Chapter (Greensboro, NC) newsletter, for proofing this book and for sharing his extensive knowledge of the show. Jim is a living example of the best Mayberry citizen.

Warmest thanks to Olivia Miller, Miller Information Services, Tricia Ann Allen, Linda Pulliam, Angie Odom, Bill Habeeb, and Norma White for their assistance and encouragement on the project.

Special recognition and appreciation to two loyal supporters, Dobby Dobson and Sherry Roeser with Rich Publishing, for the task of editing, designing, compiling, and publishing.

My deepest thanks to my husband Jerry who taped episodes, attended classes, read stories, and never complained when I spent time in Mayberry.¹

With all this thanking and acknowledging and recommending, one might think the heroes and heroines of this book are characters from The Andy Griffith Show, or that it is another book about the series. Nothing could be further from the truth. In this instance, these characters play important but supporting roles. Many of the prime players in this written work include my family members and friends who granted me permission to share humorous incidents about them. Their names are given in their stories.

Although there are many references to The Andy Griffith Show included in this book, I do hope the strength of this book is the collection of stories that offer proof of the existence of this special kind of humor. So, finally, thanks to the real stars of my project—the thousands of regular, A-OK people whom I have observed in my travels and in my audiences while looking for examples of Mayberry Humor Across the USA.

---

1 aka Left Brain.

Preface

Television of the nineties rolls like a high-tech avalanche, pouring down on viewers tons of suggestive humor and off-color, put-down comedy laced with four-letter words. The clean, kind, slow-paced humor from the fifties and sixties seems buried forever, smothered underneath the heap.

But wait! Shssh. What is this? Off in the distance are the sounds of small shovels, fueled by clicks of remote controls, steadfastly digging through the mass. Click, click, clicks on a quest for the wonderful humor of a fictitious town called Mayberry. Laughter erupts from rescue teams of fans of all ages and backgrounds who choose to search for reruns of a television series that aired its last episode over twenty-five years ago. Listen again. Is that a nervous deputy shouting instructions at them through a bullhorn?

Shazam! Tuscarora! Geronimo! The Andy Griffith Show is pushing through the pile as millions tune in to Mayberry humor. I am one of these longtime fans with a shovel and remote control in hand. Because of my profession, I also have my own bullhorn.

As a North Carolinian who has traveled this country for over thirty years as a professional speaker, I have made it a habit to look for the type of humor found in Mayberry. Sharing my findings has served me well in speeches, and now I offer a collection of these stories as evidence that Mayberry humor is alive, well, and far beyond our television screens. The accounts presented here are not fabrications. No siree, these are flesh and blood, real-life examples. I will lay them out. You read them, and then be the judge.

DO READERS HAVE TO BE AVID MAYBERRY FANS? That is a natural question. Do readers have to be caught up in The Andy Griffith Show to enjoy this book? Absolutely not! I realize there are people out there who are not avid fans of the series. Naturally, I am hoping to entice them to take another look at it through Mayberry eyes, but new recruits are not the main objective. This book is not about the production, history, or trivia of the show, nor is it a study of the characters, episodes, or the series in general. This is a book on a special type of humor that I call Mayberry humor. Because it is not about The Andy Griffith Show, one does not have to be a big fan of the series or to have ever seen it to enjoy these pages. (Can there REALLY be someone who has never seen it?) If you are not an avid fan but like humor from everyday experiences, ignore all the Mayberry references. Just shake your head when the words or the grammar are deliberately Mayberryized. You do not have to understand that part of it. Simply curl up in your reading place and enjoy stories from the life of a humorist who has more than likely been in your area of the country or maybe even on the program at your last convention.

AND FOR THE MAYBERRYHOLIC, this is a book within a book! There is a fun subplot that Barney might call subtle. Because I am explaining it now, Andy would say it is, as subtle as a pig squealing for his supper. As I lay out my evidence of the existence of Mayberry humor and urge readers to look for it, I will also present a fun challenge to trivia buffs. The challenge is to enjoy the book, laugh at what I have seen in my travels, but be on the lookout for similarities from the television series that have been woven into each of my stories—not the direct quotes that will be credited, but the fun similarities. When all is said and done, each of the 249 episodes will be represented. Some stories may have only one hidden Mayberry moment while others are filled to the brim. That ought to keep the trivia buffs licking their chops for a while. If you do not see all the references, you’re no good. NO GOOD! (Did you get that?) I hope you trivia junkies have one-tenth the fun in searching that I had in putting it all together. As Gomer would say, Lotsa luck to you and yours.

PART I.

INTRODUCING MAYBERRY HUMOR

It’s Me! It’s Me! It’s Jean . . . ne!

Ernest T. Bass, the curious-acting visitor to Mayberry: Hidee do to you and you. It’s me. It’s me. It’s Ernest T!

- Episode #133, The Education of Ernest T. Bass

Mayberry Humor Across the USA is written by a person who grew up and lived most of her life in a small town in North Carolina. She even had the privilege of representing her state in the Miss America Pageant—an experience that gave her the opportunity to visit almost every village, hamlet, and crossroads in the state. Since that time, she has traveled as a professional speaker, visiting thousands of other small towns as well as big-city places where people are accustomed to a faster pace. It is little wonder then that through the years she has loved watching a television show that takes place in a mythical North Carolina town called Mayberry. The show, of course, is The Andy Griffith Show , often labeled TAGS . And the ardent Mayberry fan? She can best be introduced by paraphrasing the unforgettable words of Ernest T. Bass, the strange Mayberry visitor who comes down out of the mountains toting a burlap sack of rocks bound for windows, If you wonder who I be. It’s me! It’s me! It’s Jean . . . ne!

Those familiar with TAGS will also remember another phrase used by Mr. Bass, I don’t chew my cabbage twice. I might have to do that about now. By this point, you might be thoroughly confused. The author is a what?

I am a professional speaker. Not everybody knows about us, but we go from convention to convention, meeting to meeting, luncheon to banquet, giving speeches. In general, we are invited places because of our topics and speaking ability, not for our celebrity status. No folks are running along after us for autographs. We are on the road much of the time, but we are in the service industry rather than any jet-set world. Jet-setters do not go to places like Eudora, Arkansas, and Baxley, Georgia. I love to. My buddies in this business come from diverse backgrounds and speak on topics such as the information highway, total quality management, and assertiveness—serious, there-will-be-a-test stuff. I speak on none of the above. I am a humorist; we eat tests.

USA Today has labeled people like me road warriors. During an average year, I spend almost two hundred nights in hotels and rarely stay in the same place two days in a row. As of the fall of 1995, I reached four million miles with Delta Air Lines and a million with USAir, and have flown numerous miles with the other carriers.² These airline miles have been accumulated from going state to state because I am not an intercontinental flyer.

This is NOT putting on airs. This much traveling often makes me feel like a woman in a hurry, but it goes with the territory because meetings do not come to me in Burlington, North Carolina. I go to the meetings. My gypsy lifestyle is certainly not wild and carefree; it is tough. Even though I am usually surrounded by people, sometimes I feel as though I am looking down a long lonesome road. Even so, I love speaking so much that I do what is necessary in order to speak professionally.

My speaking career has given me the best of two worlds. I travel all over the United States, but I live just a couple of miles from my hometown of Graham, North Carolina, and a few interstate exits away from most of the locations mentioned on The Andy Griffith Show—places like Siler City, Raleigh, Greensboro, Charlotte, Asheville, Morehead City, Wilmington, Elm City and, of course, Mt. Pilot, which sounds suspiciously like Pilot Mountain if you are from the area. When I was growing up, and up, and up (I am 6’2" tall), I spent a lot of time with relatives in Auburn and Luverne, Alabama—small towns where a high priority is placed on manners, doing right, living by rules . . . and humorous storytelling.

In traveling over thirty years, I have met a wide assortment of people and have been in thousands of situations that reminded me of Mayberry and The Andy Griffith Show. My small-town, southern roots and experiences as Miss North Carolina may have initially attracted me to this television series, but my lifestyle as a professional speaker is what led me to develop a compelshion complex.

---

2 US Airways was a major airline that was in business from 1937 until it merged with American Airlines in 2015.

The Compelshion Complex

Barney: Didn’t you ever hear of a person with a compelshion complex?

Andy: A what?

Barney: A compelshion complex. You know, like when folks gotta be washing their hands all day long. That’s a hand washing compelshion. . . . Listen, you find compelshion nuts all over.

- Episode #60, The Bookie Barber

Barney Fife’s pronunciation might be a little askew, as it often is, but his idea is correct. Compelshion nuts are indeed, all over. If you look for one, you might find me. My compelshion is with The Andy Griffith Show . This delightful thirty-minute television series from the sixties snuck up on me over thirty years after it first aired; and before I realized it, I was looking for Mayberry humor every day, and finding it. At this point Sheriff Andy Taylor might say, You want to run that by me again? Sure. No use in giving it to you in dribs and drabs. It started as a result of my travels as a professional speaker. The following experience will help explain my compelshion, because as Barney also knows, life can be an asphalt jungle out there.

What a day. WHAT A DAY! I had been traveling for eleven long hours. A trip of this duration could have landed me in warm, sunny Hawaii; instead, I had reached my speaking destination in Fargo, North Dakota. I was tired but proud. On this cold winter day, I had once again prevailed over poor service, screaming babies, and talkative seatmates. Once again, I had arrived at my destination on schedule to check into a hotel room with a freeway view. And once again, the first thing I did when I got to that room was pick up the remote control and start mashing the tiny buttons as I sat down on the bed.

(click)

TALK SHOW. Topic: The third sex change was the toughest.

(click)

TALK SHOW. Topic: Triplets proclaim, You can trust us even though we slept with your twin brothers.

(click)

(click)

EXERCISE. Suck in that gut!

(click)

(reverse click) How can they jump around in those outfits?

(click)

CNN HEADLINE NEWS. Same as in airports all day.

(click)

ESPN. Weight lifting. Mighty oily bodies. I guess Andy is right. What is wrestling to some SURE IS dancing to others.

(click)

(click)

HOME SHOPPING NETWORK. Only thirty more seconds to call for the Blue Moonlight cologne. Four ounces for only sixty-four dollars!

(click)

POLITICIANS ARGUING.

(click)

NEWSPEOPLE ARGUING.

(click)

For Pete’s sake, it’s time. Where IS it?

(click)

(click)

(click)

Whew. FINALLY. Yeahhhh boy.

Dada da . . . dah, dada da . . . dah. Dada da, da da da . . . dada. Dada da . . . dah, dada da . . . dah, dada da da da da (dada da da) . . .

The familiar whistling of The Fishin’ Hole (the theme song from The Andy Griffith Show) filled my hotel room, and I eased back onto the pillow. Andy Taylor and his son Opie, fishing poles in hand, were ambling down the dirt road I knew so well. Seconds later, Opie threw a pebble into the lake, and hours of accumulated travel tension began to slip from my shoulders. ONCE AGAIN, harmony was about to be restored to my chaotic world.

Pretty dramatic, huh? I know, and it gets more peculiar all the time. Let me keep explaining. There are multitudes of polite, friendly, abide-by-the-rules-of-life people out there. People who, just like the citizens of Mayberry, act like somebody. Their counterparts, however, lurk conspicuously rude, unfriendly, sometimes aggressive people who like Ernest T. Bass carry their own sack full of rocks to throw at others. When people live and work in one place most of the time, they can try to avoid these non-courteous types or learn when to duck. Unfortunately, when you make your living on the road, you do not know when they are going to jump out at you . . . and some days, they jump quite often. Paraphrasing Barney, it is enough to make a quiet, sweet, demore woman suddenly go ape.

My road-warrior’s schedule varies daily so I spend much time in airports, cabs, restaurants, and hotel rooms channel surfing with the remote. Observing folks, I find that the world can be right-odd. I try to practice what I preach by seeing the humor in all of it and by taking even the strangest things in stride. In addition to keeping my sense of humor, I have discovered that an important tool for survival on the road is to establish some consistency to my routine: a few patterns that remain the same, day after day, no matter where I am. Some speakers take their favorite goose-down pillow or special coffee mug with them. Others want to be on the same floor in every hotel. Me? I watch The Andy Griffith Show. Like Barney said, it is a compelshion.

Let this be a warning! Compelshion complexes do not occur overnight. They sneak up on you. I did not even realize it was happening until it had a hold on me. Like millions of Americans, I have always enjoyed the series. It premiered during my senior year in high school and hit its stride when I was traveling as Miss North Carolina. (That was a while back. I can still get in the gown, but cannot breathe.) TAGS has been a part of my life since then, most prominently playing in the background during supper time when my son was growing up. It was a safe, wholesome, funny TV show to watch as a family, but now our son is grown and gone. By special request from my husband, I no longer cook because my biscuits lay awful heavy and I put too much allspice in everything. Room service is my new best friend. So why do I watch The Andy Griffith Show now? Why choose it over others on cable’s crowded menu?

I understand the questions. Other than the occasional stumbling onto a favorite episode, what would entice someone to make a television series filmed several decades earlier a part of her travel routine today? Well, I crave whatever brings a little world order into my schedule. Not the big world order that politicians talk about, but just a semblance of sanity in my little bitty part of everything. Somewhere along the way, I discovered this could be achieved if I could find The Andy Griffith Show on TV. It would be therapetic, as Barney calls it if I could just get to Mayberry, the Friendly City where people usually act right. Personal service is not dead in Mayberry. Its citizens are courteous and polite. They accept responsibility and do not blame others for their problems. Best of all—BEST OF ALL—they have a good time. Extry good. So, when I go to Mayberry, I have a good time too, and I laugh and laugh.

Slowly, Mayberry became my favorite place to visit regardless of the location of my speaking engagement. It became a little home away from home that was available any day, every day, and mine for the choosing.

Fortunately, The Andy Griffith Show is in syndication through Viacom, Inc., and plays nationwide several times daily on TBS and WGN, and usually, I can find it on a local channel.³ In the late eighties, I started setting my alarm clock to stop what I was doing when it came on. If I walked, I began to pick up my pace to hurry back to the hotel when it was time to see my Mayberry buddies. I looked forward to hearing my favorite lines and went from being surprised by certain bits to anticipating them. Sometimes I would laugh out loud and shout lines before the TV character did. It is a wonder someone did not report me to the hotel detectives. They would have thought I needed some of Barney’s psychological therapy.

Soon I started mentally comparing the way I—and others—acted to the way people in Mayberry behave. If a flight attendant or hotel clerk extended an exceptional courtesy to me, I would think, Now, you have a Mayberry attitude. When a convenience store clerk did not charge me for popcorn because it had been popped so much earlier in the day, I would smile and think, Well, aren’t you extending the courtesy of Mayberry? It worked in reverse too. If service people or my fellow passengers were rude, I found myself thinking, Boy hi dee, you would not be in business a week in Mayberry. When I, too, forgot my southern manners and snapped at a gate agent or hotel clerk, I would think, Come on, Jeanne, act like somebody!

People I met began to remind me of certain characters in the series. I would fill up a rental car and meet a Gomer-type guy and secretly want him to say as the real McCoy does in Citizen’s Arrest, Help yourself. Water and air is free. We do have to charge you for the gas though. At Chamber of Commerce banquets, politicians worked their way into all the photographs, and I would think of Mayberry’s Mayor Pike in A Plaque for Mayberry, when he says, As long as we’re waiting, why not get another picture of me? To women with upswept, bouffant hairdos, I would almost say, You look real nice, Miss Edwards.

When I stopped thinking lines like these and started voicing them, it got scary. Right out of the blue, I would twang in my best Gomer impersonation to impolite strangers, Well, gol-ah-ah-lee, that’s not a very friendly thing to do. People looked at me strange. After a few times of chiming in with stuff like, He’s ugly, but he ain’t stupid, I realized I might have a problem. One night in an airline club room, I was watching television, and a man came in and without asking, switched the channel. I was polite. I was nice, but I made my eyes smaller and said, Mister, TURN LEONARD BLUSH BACK ON! He had no idea what I was talking about, and I did not bother to explain. However, he turned the channel back.

Soon my compelshion infiltrated my work. One night at a banquet where I was to be the after-dinner speaker, potatoes were served. Not unusual, potatoes and chicken were put on earth for banquet speakers. During the meal I saw a gentleman across the other side of the table attempt to cut a small potato in half, only to have it scoot through the green beans, off the plate, and into his sleeve. No one saw it but me. He looked in his lap and on the table and twisted around in his chair to check the floor. I could see the tiny spud still lodged between his shirt cuff and the jacket lining, but rather than indicate quietly its location, I leaned across the table, pointed to his arm, and shouted a la Briscoe Darling, TATERS! Heads turned. It was kind of embarrassing to me.

I had watched the show so often that favorite phrases did more than sneak out occasionally, they rolled in my head constantly. After the tater incident, I found myself fighting not to throw Mayberry phrases into speeches in front of thousands of people, all of whom clearly could not be as familiar with Mayberry as I. After all, I was invited to places to make people laugh, and the audience had to be able to identify for something to be funny.

Didn’t I tell you? Peculiar. What was happening to me? I was not losing my mind, or at least I did not think so. I continued to function in my world as a wife, friend, and professional speaker, but I was turning into a Mayberryholic. I began to think about why I was so attracted to this mythical place. I was forming strong opinions about the salt-of-the-earth people of Mayberry and the rules by which they lived, opinions that would soon surface unexpectedly . . .