The Wonderful World of Scary Ass Shit: The Wonderful World of Scary Ass Shit

By Vaughn Ashby

Your parents are lying bags of dicks, everything you ever had a nightmare about is real, and probably was hiding under your bed.

 

Parallel dimensions exist, let's get that out of the way right now. What matters more is that something is causing them to merge. A process, to put it bluntly, that can only be described as slamming one's tit in the proverbial plane of existence's door… or simply put, maximum unpleasantness in all the wrong places.

 

Monsters, creatures, anything really that can trigger that burning fear sensation that makes you wish you were already dead, they are real. Like real-real, like really-really real. Trust me, but also no one… see what I did there? The Aurora Wasteland seems to be the epicenter of it all. A focal point for the strange and weird. It's an area that lives beyond man-made borders. A place made up of people you wouldn't want to meet. People you wouldn't want to be, because escaping from the nightmare that is the Aurora Wasteland, well, that's just not possible.

 

Logan, Gabe, Monahan, and Jeff are and have been best friends since childhood, only they've never met, except they have and know everything and nothing about each other. Perfect stranger and the tightest of friends. Makes sense? Because it shouldn't, it doesn't to them.

 

Not that any of that matters, because as their dimension merges with another, they seem to be the only ones that remember anything about it… the old dimension that is. Even then, only their memories remain, while their lives have been swapped out like a saggy bag of gold. Merged with the them from the new dimension. It's ok to be confused, none of it makes sense to them either, even if it should.

 

Then there is Patty, the fifth friend they didn't even know they had, except they did. Patty knew it was coming and tried to stop it, The Merge that is. Only he failed and died graphically for it. Dragging the knowledge he had about everything to his grave. Now the four friends have to figure out how to try to pry themselves out of this dimension and to get home if it's even possible. All while navigating their new lives, relationships, and the strange and weird known as The Aurora Wasteland, that just keeps pulling them in deeper.

 

Lost and with little to go on, a book by the title of TETHERED is found to be left specifically for them. A book written by the so-called discoverer of The Aurora Wasteland. A book whose contents may seemingly be more important to them than they know.

 

It's ok to be confused and scared, but I should warn you, if you're reading this, then it's already too late. The Aurora Wasteland has you. It knows you. There is no escape. Trust me, because well… it's better you just figure out what's going on, for your own sake and sanity. Read, watch, listen, do that you have to do, consume it all. Because you'll need it.

 

Welcome to The Wonderful World of Scary Ass Shit and the AURORA WASTELAND.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vaughn Ashby
• Release date: Jun 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215408186

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Quote from The Wonderful World of Scary Ass Shit

Quote #1…

The collision of Notch 9 and 137 was, to put it mildly, obnoxiously excruciating and lasted eons to its inhabitants. To this point in history, nothing has ever been so excruciating save for one event. On December 1st, 1982, someone was kicked in the balls so hard he traveled back to the start of the universe and triggered the event that caused the Big Bang. It’s unknown what triggered the kick in the balls, but it’s believed to be a combination of pointing out someone’s breast size imbalance and a comparison with their sister.

CHAPTER TWO

Patty

Life can really be a dick sometimes. You can do everything right and you’ll still end up with random weiners poking you in the hip while you ride the subway. Besides, what’s doing everything right even mean? You plan, you execute, and you kick everyone’s balls with your steel-toed life on the way up, but still, when life gets hard, well… bring lube.

The doors to Patrick’s office opened before he was in range of the handle. He’d loved going to the grocery store with his parents as a kid, most of that was because of the candy he got to pick out and the lobster in the fish tank that he always introduced himself to. But the main reason was his love of the magical doors that made him feel like he had superpowers. Like he was summoning an ancient force to entice the doors to open on their own without him having to lay a finger on them. The second he’d made enough money to have an office of his own with a door, he had the magic eye door opener installed. Days later, he had it removed because people just walked right into his office. Then, the second he made enough money to have an office with a door and security keycards he reinstalled the magic eye door and gave no one but himself and his receptionist access to use it.

Patrick rushed through the magic door with a fresh coffee in hand. He normally didn’t stop for coffee, he sent his receptionist out to get it for him, but he’d been up early walking and practicing his speech for today. The walk and getting coffee were part of his I have to give a presentation routine. The first couple of times had been because he couldn’t sleep. Now he did it out of habit, which he was ok with, the routine made him feel comfortable. Not that he needed to feel comfortable on stage anymore. A few hundred presentations to packed halls full of nerds will alleviate you of any public speaking fears.

The watch on Patrick’s wrist buzzed. It was 7:50 am. He took a sip of his coffee, he had ten minutes. Patrick dropped himself down into his custom desk chair made of, well he wasn’t sure what it was made of but it felt nice on his ass, cupped his balls, and always smelled amazing. He shook his mouse and logged into his computer. A virtual monitor in front of him flashed into existence. He loved when it did that, it always made him feel like he was living in the future.

There were no messages or emails. Just as he liked it. His receptionist was good. He glanced at the time again as Tim, his receptionist, rushed through the magic eye door. You’ve only got minutes, what are you doing here? Tim said, his tone as controlled and steady as ever. You have to be on stage in minutes.

I know, it’s just… Patrick trailed off as he stared at the screen.

You ok? Tim asked as he tapped the top of Patrick’s desk to close the virtual monitor.

Any messages or anything. I feel… again he trailed off.

Is it about the presentation? I can cancel it if you would like. You are the founder and CEO of the largest company in the country. People can, and should, wait for you.

Thanks, Tim, Patrick said as he got up from his ball-cupping chair.

Just one message from a video rental service about a movie you have late fees on. I figured it was a hoax or phishing scheme.

What company? Patrick asked as he took a sip of his coffee while Tim did his best to usher Patrick towards the door.

They didn’t say.

And the movie?

Tim paused as he thought about it. It wasn’t a real movie, I looked it up after because it seemed so fake. I think it was called ‘The Matrix’? Have you heard of it? Maybe it’s some cult classic even the internet hasn’t heard of, but I truly doubt it.

The Matrix?

Yes, do you know it?

No, no I haven’t, Patrick said, but that was a lie. He had a vague memory of seeing it as a kid, only he knew he didn’t. How was it possible to have both feelings and memories at the same time? He remembered seeing it, but also knew it didn’t exist. Tim wasn’t a slouch, if he said the movie didn’t exist, it didn’t exist. He was better at looking things like that up than even Patty was.

You, ok? Tim asked again, while still trying to get Patrick out the door.

I… you ever had deja vu of an event you’re certain didn’t happen?

I don’t think I have.

I think we failed, we threw all those resources at it, and… Patrick paused as he glanced back at his desk.

We have to go, or would you like me to cancel it?

No, Patrick said as he finished his coffee and handed the cup to Tim. It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all fine. Only it wasn’t, nothing was fine, and every step Patrick took to the presentation hall reassured him of his feelings over and over again. Memories of events he’d never had blended with those he knew were real and had actually happened, or at least he thought they did. By the time he reached the hall, he’d lost almost all ability to tell the old and new memories apart. He checked his phone and noticed a tattoo on his forearm that said ‘Tim’ in cursive handwriting. He was pretty sure that wasn’t there before.

The hall was buzzing with the chatter from all the vendors, reviewers, and lucky fans who won their way to seats at what would be Patrick’s final presentation. Like always, Patrick entered backstage and headed for the stage. Normally he’d stop and wait for someone to introduce him. Often it was some celebrity or whoever Tim felt was relevant to the time. But today, Patrick just walked past everyone, and out onto the stage.

The crowd burst into applause as Patrick reached the front and center of the stage. He squinted through the harsh lights, as the teleprompter pulled up his speech and started scrolling. But whatever this presentation had been for didn’t matter anymore. All Patrick could think about was the movie. He’d watched it in his basement with his friends. Friends he didn’t remember having. There were five… no six… or… no five, he wasn’t exactly sure, but they watched it together. All of them crammed onto that old couch with the farmhouse on the cushions.

Pat? Tim half whispered, half yelled, from the edge of the backstage area just inside the curtains.

Patrick turned to look at him, he felt like he was living in a haze. Maybe there had been something in his coffee, a drug… or a poison? Was someone trying to fuck with him? No… this was different. He shook his head and concentrated. He concentrated on a single thought and idea. He knew exactly what was happening. It’s ok, Patrick said as he smiled at Tim.

He took a breath and turned to the crowd. We’ve failed, Patrick said. You don’t know this, I don’t mean for that to sound condescending or like I’m preaching something to you, I’m not. There was no way you could have known. Only a handful of us truly had the full picture.

The text on the teleprompter vanished, as the device turned off.

But to be fair we put you in that position because most of you wouldn’t be able to handle it… sorry that part is condescending. But it’s true. People don’t handle crisis well. Look at our past, we’ve earned it. Wars, plague, natural disasters… most of you are still rooted in your left or right political party to get actual world-altering… world-saving, really… projects done.

An intern Patrick had never seen before rushed out and handed him a bottle of water. Patrick smiled and thanked him as he rushed off. The lights were feeling hotter, maybe it was just him, but more likely it wasn’t. There were bigger things happening, or rather about to happen.

The world we know is over. I’ve been working with other tech giants, billionaire philanthropists, and covert agencies around the world to try and save us. Multiple mega projects hidden as infrastructure projects in remote areas of the world were built to study what is about to happen to us. Over time we learned how to stop it, or so we believed. But… like I said we failed.

The crowd erupted with questions towards him, they all blended together into a white noise of chaos. Patrick wiped his brow with his sleeve and took another drink. He thought about his friends. How they were always together. He’d never had that sort of connection with anyone before.

The sounds from the crowd grew angrier until Patrick raised his hand. Listen, this is hard to hear, and might just sound like the ravings of a crazy rich tech guy who’s spent too much time locked away in his white room of conspiracies. But… any second now, our dimension is going to merge with another.

There was another barrage of yelling and questions from the audience. Again, Patrick held his hand up to silence them. It’s going to hurt… a lot, and… it’s going to last just a hair short of forever. I… Patrick turned and smiled at Tim, then mouthed the words I’m sorry, as the crowd erupted again.

Then just like Patrick had predicted it happened. The dimension, reality, notch, or whatever you want to call it, started to merge with another. Patrick had never known why it was going to happen, or which other dimension they were going to merge with, just that it was going to happen. And as he predicted it lasted just short of a forever. Piece by piece, atom by atom, the dimension Patrick was from was taken apart, compared with the other dimension, then one of the two pieces was selected for whatever was to remain after The Merge was over. It was an eternity of pain as piece by piece was removed within each of their bodies and examined. Time froze, but the feeling of existing endured, until the process was over, and whatever life had been before was gone. The dimension Tim had been from vanished, his dimension had merged with another more dominant one, and the vast majority of everything he knew no longer existed. Whatever remained was what remained.

Then as if it was only an instant of time, though no one who endured it and remembered it would ever classify The Merge as an instant, Patrick woke up in his new dimension, the stage he was on, and the hall he was in, long gone. He was in a hotel room, arms were wrapped around him, someone was kissing his neck. A mustache tickled his ear as someone kissed it. Patrick gripped one of the arms only to see his own name tattooed on it, just like the one he’d mysteriously had of Tim’s… Patrick turned to find his former assistant Tim, naked and thrusting into Patrick from behind as the two of them laid in a hotel bed together, their bodies passionately intertwined.

You, ok? Tim asked, in the same tone he’d used when they’d been in Patrick’s office.

Do you remember? Patrick said as Tim kissed his ear again and pulled himself closer and further into Patrick. The sensation sent ripples of pleasure through Patrick’s body. He’d never been with a man before, he hadn’t really considered them attractive until now, but… as he stared into Tim’s eyes, he… he loved him. They were in love. He could remember hundreds of times they’d been intimate together. This wasn’t his first time with a man, far from it. Only it wasn’t… kind of.

Remember what?

The stage and presentation, you were my assistant and…

I didn’t think you were into role playing but we can give it a try, Tim said as he continued to kiss the back of Patrick’s neck. Should I call you boss?

I… a knock at the door interrupted them before Patrick could reply and paused their early morning fun. Tim glanced over him to see the alarm clock, it was 8:15 am.