The Legend of Black Thunder: A Supervillain Tragedy in 4 Acts

By Kaleb Quist

Michelle Rosenchild is a young woman who's grown sick of working in retail. After being betrayed by Corporate America, she turns into a supervillain known as "Black Thunder," who vows to expose the corruption of modern society.

Together with her pals Captain Silverware, Deerboy, and Minor Inconvenience Man, they try plotting world domination, only to realize it's incredibly difficult when you're poor and don't know how to build a super death-ray.

Instead, they decide to plot a bank robbery, so they can make some quick cash, and maybe buy their own secret supervillain island somewhere.

But along the way, Black Thunder gets recruited by a gang of terrorists known as "The Furies," who are hell-bent on tearing down the city's government.

Now, Black Thunder is faced with a dire choice: Should she help "The Furies" with their acts of villainy...Or defend the corrupt system she claims to hate?

THE LEGEND OF BLACK THUNDER is a black comedy which deconstructs the idea of the traditional comic book supervillain. In a society that's overrun with poverty and corporate greed, we’re presented with a startling question: Who are the true “villains” in the world today...And have they already won?

Along the way, we focus on the personal and moral struggles of disillusioned non-heroes, who have abandoned the idea of “truth” and “justice” in the modern world. In a world without heroes, all that’s left is to be a villain!

Read what top critics are saying about THE LEGEND OF BLACK THUNDER:

“Well, at least it’s better than ‘THE GOLDEN AGE.’” – everyone

“Wait, why is this written like a stage play?” – also everyone

“I’m totally going to read it!” – people who read 5 pages and then put it away

“It was okay, I guess.” – people who actually read it

“Of all the books I’ve ever read, I can definitely say that this was one of them.” – The Rock (Not Dwayne Johnson—literally just a rock.)

“Makes for great kindling.” – Kindling Magazine (which also makes for great kindling)

“seen.” – The Washington Post

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

KALEB QUIST is a non-award-winning “author” whose last book, THE GOLDEN AGE – a story about retired superheroes living together in a nursing home – peaked at 1,354,971 on Amazon’s list of best-selling novels.

Kaleb Quist currently resides in Southern Oregon, which is only slightly better than anywhere in California. When he’s not making up words about fake people for monetary gain, he enjoys firing people at places he doesn’t work, driving 5 miles over the speed limit, and screaming obscenities at the local ducks.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kaleb Quist
• Release date: Jul 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9798837492938

Kaleb Quist

After being forcibly kicked out of an all-you-can-eat buffet, Kaleb Quist decided to change his life forever by moving to Hollywood (otherwise known as “The New Sodom and Gomorrah”) and becoming the number one screenwriter in a 5-block radius. In a world plagued by superhero movies, Kaleb Quist decided the only solution was to plague the world with even more superhero movies. Thus, “The Golden Age” was born.Mr. Quist tried selling “The Golden Age” to various studios and production companies within the Hollywood system. After discovering he had no soul left to sell, however, the entire project fell through, and he was forced to write books instead. The only problem with selling books on Amazon is [statement redacted by Amazon].Also, did you know that when you go to a fast food restaurant and buy a burger, you’re actually buying horse meat? It’s true – horse meat is actually cheaper than cow meat. This is because Mad Human Disease wiped out roughly 90% of the world’s population of cows. When you’re driving down the road and you see a bunch of cows, they’re actually a bunch of horses dressed up like cows, to hide the fact that the milk you’re buying at the store is actually coming from a horse. This conspiracy was put into place by Psycho Mantis after a crippling battle between the Space Soviets and the dinosaurs in the Great Battle of Knob Noster, Missouri, in which almost ten billion cows were killed. This is because the Moon Soviets – under the command of Space Emperor Gorbachev – tried creating a virus to wipe out the velociraptors, but ended up wiping out the cows instead. It was okay though, because they just used catapults to launch all the cows at the stampeding dinosaurs, who were being ridden by clones of Space President John F. Kennedy. Why did my wife leave me for a horse

Book preview

The

LEGEND of

BLACK

THUNDER

A Supervillain Tragedy in 4 Acts

Written by

Kaleb Quist

The Legend of Black Thunder: A Supervillain Tragedy in 4 Acts © Copyright 2022 Kaleb Quist All right reserved.

Copyright notice: All right reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Warning: The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyright work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to five years in prison and a fine of $250,000.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACT I

REMEMBER: YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE

ACT II

FEAR NO EVIL

ACT III

THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BUILDING DEATH-RAYS OUT OF URANIUM AND POSSIBLY NOTHING ELSE

ACT IV

WHERE THE

BLOOD RUNS RED

ACT I

REMEMBER:

YOU’RE HERE

BECAUSE YOU HAVE

NO OTHER CHOICE

1. INT. S-MART – CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK – NIGHT

It’s the busiest store on the busiest street in the busiest part of town. Some call it the town epicenter, where nearly everyone in a 30-mile radius gathers to do all their shopping and holiday spending. You never really come here – you sort of just wind up here.

The place is called S-MART, a gargantuan retail store owned by corporate tycoons, and powered by the tears of child labor in overseas sweatshops. Boasting dozens of departments and employees, S-Mart is something of a modern marvel.

Looking for cheaply-made clothes and half-expired groceries? No problem, S-Mart’s got you covered! Cap off your evening with a selection of fine wines, an electric lawnmower, and most importantly, a high-caliber hunting rifle.

S-Mart has the best prices on all this stuff, with an abundance of sales and coupons to keep you coming back for more. But of course, there is a high price to pay for low prices.

The CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK is where people can return and exchange their items, while also complaining about said items. The desk is situated at the front-end of the store, along with a sprawling sea of self-checkout lines.

Working behind the desk, you’ll find a young woman with dark hair and dark eyes. She’s 20-going-on-50, now that this job has taken so many years off of her life. Just like the other employees, she’s worked here for way too long, making way too little, and dealing with way too much.

Her name is MICHELLE ROSENCHILD. Her face always seem to scowl, even when there’s nothing to scowl about. She wears her hair in a ponytail, with bangs dangling in front of her face, like she’s subconsciously trying to hide from everyone around her.

Her dark eyes have dark spots going around them, making it obvious she hasn’t slept in ages. Tonight, her uniform is the same as always: Gray shirt. Black slacks. Black dress shoes. A name-tag on her chest that reads, #92318. It’s the same uniform all the employees are forced to wear.

As Michelle stares blankly into space, an OLD WOMAN NARRATES over her life:

OLD WOMAN (narrating)

When you’re growing up, they tell you to stand out from the crowd. That if you wanna be an astronaut, a rockstar, or a movie star – then by God, you can be it. But the older you get, the more they wanna turn you into a cardboard cutout, like everybody else. Wear the same thing. Show up at the same time every day. Shut up and get your work done, no questions asked…This is what they teach you, from the time you first start goin’ to school. They preach about revolutionaries in their textbooks, but won’t breed revolutionaries in their classrooms, since revolutionaries don’t make good workers. It’s like the old saying goes: The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

Michelle takes the CLOCK off the wall. Using a HAMMER, she smashes it to pieces.

OLD WOMAN (narrating)

Michelle Rosenchild is my name. No college degree. High school diploma printed out over the internet. No aspirations in life, outside of just making it through the day. In other words, I’m the ordinary of ordinaries. The opposite of all the scholars, geniuses, and would-be heroes in the world today. But sometimes, I wonder if I like it that way.

ENTER CLARICE. A bitter and entitled customer, who has nothing better to do than harass lowly retail workers like Michelle. Her glasses sit on the bridge of her nose, like she’s constantly looking down on everyone.

CLARICE

(calling out to Michelle)

Excuse me, missy!

Michelle visibly cringes…It takes all her strength just to look up at her.

OLD WOMAN (narrating)

I hate that word…Missy. Every time I hear that word, it makes me die a little inside. Just like whenever somebody calls me sweetie, sweet-pea, dear, hun, honey, honey-cakes, baby-cakes, baby-doll, sugar plum, fun-bags, or last but not least, tight-ass.

MICHELLE,

Good evening, ma’am. How can I help you?

CLARICE

I’m here for my energy drinks.

MICHELLE

What kind of energy drinks?

CLARICE

A very specific kind of energy drinks. Specifically, Schmoozer Energy Drinks. Spicy Hot Buffalo flavor.

MICHELLE

Usually, we keep ‘em by the milk aisle—

CLARICE

(interrupting her)

Yeah, I know where they are.

MICHELLE

Did you try looking there?

CLARICE

(nodding)

I did.

MICHELLE

And did you find any?

CLARICE

(shaking her head)

No, I most certainly did not.

MICHELLE

Well, looks like we’re outta stock then. Might wanna check back soon. Anyways, I gotta head out…

Michelle tries leaving, but Clarice does everything she can to keep her stuck there.

CLARICE

Can you look in the back of the store for me?

MICHELLE

Excuse me?

CLARICE

The back of the store. Can you look there?

MICHELLE

Sorry, ma’am. We don’t keep any beverages in the back of the store.

CLARICE

So there’s nothing you can do?

MICHELLE

We get shipments every Tuesday and Thursday. You might wanna check back then.

CLARICE

Actually, I think there is something you can do. I think you can call the store in Stockholm, and see if they have any of my energy drinks.

MICHELLE

Sorry, ma’am. They close at 10pm on the dot…

(looking at the smashed clock)

And it looks to me like it’s 10:01 right now.

CLARICE

Would you call them anyways, just to be sure?

Michelle glares at Clarice, who’s obviously testing her.

MICHELLE

(forcing a smile)

Sure…Why not.

Michelle picks up the phone and dials a number.

As soon as it rings, she SLAMS the phone down, hanging up.

MICHELLE (cont’d)

Sorry, ma’am. Must’ve just missed them.

CLARICE

(bowing her head)

Sorry, ma’am…

(laughing deviously)

Could you try again anyways, just to be sure?

Again, Michelle glares at her. Again, she takes a moment to question her life and where it all went wrong.

Right as Michelle’s about to reach for the phone, it RINGS…

CLARICE (cont’d)

That better be the store in Stockholm with my Goddamn energy drinks! Spicy Hot Buffalo flavor, too, I tell ya!

Michelle picks up the phone. She speaks in a dreary, zombie-like voice.

MICHELLE

Good evening…Thank you for calling S-Mart…How can I help you?

(visible confusion)

Back Door Sluts 9? I’m sorry, sir. I’m pretty sure we don’t have any copies of Back Door Sluts 9. We’re not that kinda store.

(agitated pause)

Oh, you want me to go check in the back, huh? Okay, I’ll go check in the back. You mind if I put you on hold real quick? Okay, great!

She slams the phone down, hanging up.

CLARICE

So tell me, missy: Why don’t you have any of my energy drinks in-stock?!

MICHELLE

(face-palming)

Oh, lord…

CLARICE

I want my socially-acceptable chemical dependency and I want it now!

(banging her fist on the counter)

Right now, Goddammit!!

MICHELLE

I’m sorry, ma’am! I don’t know what to tell you!

CLARICE

I want you to tell me you have Spicy Hot Buffalo flavor! It’s my favorite and it’s all mine and nobody else can have any!

MICHELLE

I’m sorry, ma’am!

CLARICE

Is that really all you can say, is Sorry, ma’am?!

MICHELLE

Sorry, ma’am!

CLARICE

Every time I come in here, you don’t have anything I want, and I’m sick of it! I could literally puke, I’m so sick of it!

Clarice GAGS like she’s about to vomit.

ENTER BIKE DUDE, who’s dressed from head-to-toe in leather biker gear. He confesses his sins to Michelle like a sinner to a priest.

BIKER DUDE

Excuse me, missy! Just wanted to let you know, I uhhh…I accidentally kinda-sorta pooped all over the bathroom, sooooo…

MICHELLE

(horrified)

What?!

BIKER DUDE

Sorry, I just…I had to go really, really bad, and I couldn’t hold it anymore. Sorry again. Sorry a million.

MICHELLE

Uhhhh…Okay. I’ll let the custodian know, I guess.

BIKER DUDE

Thanks. Love the store, by the way.

Biker Dude EXITS. Michelle picks up the phone and dials a number, which lets her speak over the store intercom.

MICHELLE

(over the intercom)

Custodian to the men’s room, please. Custodian to the men’s room.

Her boss MR. GALLOWAY ENTERS, wearing a suit with a mismatching tie, for some reason.

MR. GALLOWAY

Good evening, #92318!

MICHELLE

My name’s Michelle, you know.

MR. GALLOWAY

As I was saying, #92318…The custodian’s not here tonight!

MICHELLE

So what does that mean?

MR. GALLOWAY

Well, I guess it means you’re the custodian now!

Mr. Galloway shoves a MOP into her hands.

MICHELLE

What?! Do I have to?!

MR. GALLOWAY

You don’t have to—you get to! You always said you wanted to clean this place up, right?

MICHELLE

Not literally!

MR. GALLOWAY

Take some pride in your work, #92318! If you’re gonna scrub a toilet, then by golly, be the best damn toilet scrubber this store’s ever seen!

MICHELLE

I make 8 bucks an hour after taxes.

MR. GALLOWAY

Missy, when I tell you to do something, you do it! So don’t look at me sideways – just do it!

MICHELLE

(under her breath)

Easy for you to say…

MR. GALLOWAY

And don’t make me write you up again! You’ve already got 1 strike for working without a lunch break, missy!

MICHELLE

The only reason I worked without a lunch break was because you made me work without a lunch break!

MR. GALLOWAY

Then don’t make me write you up for working too much overtime! Come on, chop-chop!

The phone rings. Michelle groans.

MICHELLE

Ugggggh…I’ll get it as soon as I’m done with this phonecall…

Mr. Galloway EXITS. Michelle picks up the phone.

MICHELLE (cont’d)

Good evening. Thank you for calling S-Mart. How can I help y—?

(agitated pause)

Oh, I see. You’re looking for a copy of Back Door Sluts 9, huh?

(changing her voice slightly)

And the last boy you talked to hung up on you? Well, I’m so, soooo sorry about that! Here at S-Mart, we strive for the best customer service at the best price! Shop smart…Shop S-Mart!

OLD WOMAN (narrating)

There was so much sarcasm in my voice, trapped underneath so many layers of irony, it seriously made me question who I was anymore.

MICHELLE

(into the phone)

Sure, I can go check in the back! You mind if I put you on hold real quick? Okay, great!

She slams the phone down. Then, she looks up at Clarice with surprise.

MICHELLE (cont’d)

You’re still here.

CLARICE

I’m not leaving until I get my pack of Schmoozer Energy Drinks!

MICHELLE

Well, you’re gonna be here a while then. Anything else I can help you with?

CLARICE

(repeatedly banging her fist)

Spicy…Hot…Buffalo…Flavor!

Mr. Galloway ENTERS in a state of panic. He yells out to Michelle:

MR. GALLOWAY

Service person, you have to hurry up and get in here! There’s feces dripping from the ceiling!

MICHELLE

(in disbelief/horror/confusion/sadness/denial)

What?!

MR. GALLOWAY

Seriously, it’s dripping all over the place!

MICHELLE

Aww, crap…Literally…

MR. GALLOWAY

Come on, what are you waiting for?! More overtime?! Let’s go!

(clapping his hands)

Come on, girl! Come on!

MICHELLE

I’m not a dog, doggone it!

MR. GALLOWAY

You’re right – a dog would be trained better!

MICHELLE

Oh, for God’s sake!!

Michelle storms away from her desk, taking her mop with her.

CLARICE

(chewing out Mr. Galloway)

What the hell kinda store are you running here?! Every day, I come in here looking for a very specific kind of energy drinks! And every day, you don’t have any! Not one – not a single pack! What the hell kinda conspiracy is this?!

MR. GALLOWAY

I’m—I’m terribly sorry, ma’am!

CLARICE

Dammit, why does everybody always say that?!

MR. GALLOWAY

I’m sorry for being so sorry, ma’am!

Clarice storms off, EXITING.

2. EXT. LIQUORS ‘R’ US – NIGHT

This city has some rough neighborhoods, but this is by far one of the roughest. It’s the kind of neighborhood where you don’t wear certain