Zombie Co-Pilot

By Calvin Hight Allen

Zombie Co-Pilot and Other Tales

My first bicycle ride was on a rusty Schwinn single-speed that I

• Language: English
• Publisher: Calvinz
• Release date: Jul 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088042649

Book preview

Dedication

For Haamez Blanco, the Nav’s e bike club, King Bee, HIMSELF, Isaac, John Lee and the crew from Adventure Cycling, the Sunday morning assaulters of Mt. Kenilworth, Slow But Steady Kim, my Lil Bro William, Calvin and the cross-North Carolina riders, the riders in the Blue Ridge Bicycle Club, Wes Hide of the Squaw of the Hippopotamus, Asheville on Bikes, Vegan if BBQ Is Vegan Irvin, Electric Stillson, the Asheville Slow Riders, and all the other fellow adventurers who cycled along.

Ride as much or as little, or as long or as short as you feel. But ride.

-- Eddy Merckx

Forward

When I heard that Calvin Hight Allen had collected his favorite cycling chronicles into a book, I was excited. I volunteered to write the forward for a free copy. Calvin has been making me laugh for years, both in person and in print. I left with his book Westward Ha! accounting the adventures of attempting to ride across America on bicycles with his teenage sons on my own cross-continent bike ride in 2013, and the book provided many evening chuckles. When you’re grinding up a long steep hill, nothing eases the pain like a good joke -- or a funny companion. With this book, you can enjoy the punch lines -- without the pain!

Robbie Beating the Bounds Sweetser

Prologue

My zombie, Zeke, had been after me to take him over to the cemeteries.

Windmilling his rotten arms, Zeke persuaded me to take him on a bike ride

photo by the Zombie Research Society

Every time I went out on my patio, Zeke frantically windmilled, trying to get my attention the only way he knows how.

I’ve been zeroing out zombie apocalypses for months now, he said. What thanks do I get? The least you could do is show me Seven Cemeteries.

In honor of Halloween, Zeke and I headed out to set another world record.

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Zombie Co-Pilot and Other Tales

The Most Dead Hour

Inspired by the Naked Man, AKA Haamez Blanco, AKA The Snail, who recently set a new world record for least elevation gain (10 feet!) in a one-hour ride, I decided to set a world record of my own: the Most Dead Hour. I live in an area known as Seven Cemeteries, so finding graves was no problem.

Preparing to scout for departed souls

selfie by the timer on the author's Canon D30 PowerShot

I set out one morning at exactly 9:05:03 am in early September. It was cool and dewy, and the moldering corpses watched silently as I pedaled by their final resting places. It’s hard to find more cooperative subjects for a world-record attempt than the departed. They lay mostly still, their eye sockets turning slightly as I rode by row after row of tombstones. I imagined them rattling their bones together in appreciation for my efforts.

I looped around to another cemetery, one with manicured plots and artificial flowers adorning every other grave. The stiffs clacked their teeth in awe as I coasted by their eternal homes.

Departed souls in various stages of rapture

photo by the author

At the Mountain View Memorial Park, two gravediggers leaned on their shovels and mopped their brows as Yolie the Yamaha and I climbed an asphalt path bisecting their bailiwick. 

Reckon how many folks are buried in these cemeteries? I asked as I coasted to a stop.

The  men looked at each other. The older spader said, Lessee, about 6,000 here in this cemetery, another 10,000 across the road, hmmm. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say maybe 50,000, all told.

Thank you, sir, I said, making a note in my world-record book. How long have y’all been planting folks?

The younger shoveler spat a stream of tobacco juice into the fresh pit. I have been digging plots for 22 years, he said. Jed there’s been at it for 34.

Wow! I said. Have you seen a lot of changes in the cemetery business?

Jed nodded. More and more folks are getting cremated, he said. That makes for a much smaller hole, of course.

Some people keep the ashes handy, added Jed’s partner. Stow them in a favorite tackle box or makeup kit.

Have you heard about the mushroom sleeping bag? I asked.

Jed and the other excavator looked at each other.

I got the feeling we’re about to, said Jed.

I told them about the sleeping bag that your loved ones zip you into after you quit thrashing. Special ‘shrooms devour every trace of your body, leaving only the spirit, which dissipates over time.

Leaving the gravediggers to ponder fungi, I pedaled off in my quest for glory. By 10:05:03, I had passed 34,078 plots. That’s the most dead circumnavigated in an hour by a 70-year-old cyclist with a large birthmark on his left forearm riding a Yamaha e bike -- a world record.

Zycling in Louiziana

After three days of driving from North Carolina to Lafayette, Louisiana for the 2021 CycleZydeco, I finally got on my bike today!

the grape smuggler tries to hide the goods

photo by fellow unknown pilgrim whose name escapes me

I joined a group doing the Lafayette town ride. We rode around town, mostly through quiet neighborhoods, and back to Vermilionville, for a photo with Ms. Ray, the Ride Director.

Ms. Ray the Ride Director in full greeter mode

selfie by the author

The highlight of the day was dancing. I haven't danced in more than a year, and it felt good to get out on the floor and move around. Zydeco Queen Moriah Istre gave us a lesson in basic Zydeco steps, first solo and then with a partner. Then she played some slow Zydeco songs to let us practice. Then Grammy-winner Chubby Carrier and the Bayou Swamp Band (Carrier on accordion, a drummer, a keyboard player, two washboard players -- including his young god-daughter), played for a few hours.