Horrorscopes: A Little Book of Misfortunes

By Lucien Edwards and Eugene Smith

Discover what dark fate awaits you based on your birthday in this spooky take on horoscopes, featuring dark days, unlucky numbers, and evil omens.

This book is full of eerie predictions and ominous fortunes that add a sinister twist to the typical horoscope. Those who enjoy the dark side can look up their birthday to discover the terrible fate that awaits them—from attack by hungry zombies to transformation into an ogre. With useful information including dark days, unlucky numbers, and evil omens, this chilling guide is sure to have readers looking under their beds and over their shoulders all year long.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Aug 3, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452103273

Book preview

January 1

Your indecisiveness will prove to be your biggest shortcoming. When faced with a tough decision, such as whether to confront a horde of hungry zombies or retreat to a dark, windowless basement, remember that your first instinct is generally your best.

Beware of: Clowns with sharpened teeth

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January 2

Finding the time to pursue your dreams can be difficult, especially when a restless spirit continually tries to take possession of you. Just keep your eyes on the prize and a bottle of holy water in your pocket—everything else will take care of itself.

Dark days: Monday, Friday

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January 3

With your good looks and easygoing nature you’re destined to attract many admirers. Some will have your best interests at heart. Others will attempt to lure you into secluded parks where no one will be able to hear you scream. True wisdom is being able to tell which is which.

Unlucky numbers: 81, 203, 205

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January 4

You possess great courage and are unafraid to lead the charge when the battle cry sounds. This resolve will be invaluable to your commanders when you take part in the coming war between vampires and humans.

Beware of: Real stuffed animals

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January 5

You are uncomfortable with change and would rather endure a bad situation than search for a way out. While this approach might work in some scenarios, finding yourself buried underground is not one of them. Use caution around abandoned mines and open graves.

Unlucky numbers: 3, 77

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January 6

A free spirit who is always on the lookout for excitement, you are apt to party all night and live like there is no tomorrow. You don’t know how right you are—have an especially good time tonight.

Beware of: Possessed vehicles

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January 7

Accidents will happen, especially ones that involve drinking a chemical formula that transforms you into a muscle-bound maniac with pointy claws and sharp teeth. For your own protection, carry an antidote with you at all times.

Beware of: What’s beneath the snow

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January 8

To get ahead in life you must learn to control your temper. It will not only create obstacles in your career and social life but might also culminate in the uncomfortable condition known as spontaneous combustion. To achieve success, keep your cool.

Unlucky numbers: 492, 619, 758

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January 9

You are fortunate to have so many friends willing to lend a helping hand whenever trouble arises. For your own good, graciously decline any offers to lend a head, arm, or leg.

Dark days: Wednesday, Thursday

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January 10

A gourmand through and through, you take great pleasure in sampling experimental dishes seasoned with exotic spices. You should abstain, however, from those delicacies that contain too nutty an aroma. Cyanide, you will recall, has a fragrance nearly identical to that of almonds.

Dark days: Friday, Sunday

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January 11

If you’ve been suffering from mysterious aches and pains of late, remember that voodoo dolls are easy to come by, and enemies are, too.

Beware of: Gigantic, disembodied eyeballs

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January 12

If a tree is cut down in the woods and falls directly on top of the tent where you are quietly sleeping, does it make a sound? A good question to ponder before your next group camping trip.

Unlucky numbers: 9, 23, 711

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January 13

As the saying goes, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In your case, when life hands you an antidote for the poison you just drank, take it as quickly as possible.

Dark days: Tuesday, Thursday

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January 14

Friends know you never lose your head, even when under pressure. It follows, then, that in order to save face, you should avoid guillotines at all costs.

Unlucky numbers: 4, 800

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January 15

You enjoy problem-solving, and you’re happiest working your way out of a difficult mental labyrinth. A real labyrinth is a different matter. Should you find yourself in one of those, remember that minotaurs, like analytical conundrums, are best conquered by quiet contemplation.

Dark days: Wednesday, Friday

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January 16

Don’t let your love of wealth stop you from pursuing your true passion in life. While a job as an undertaker will never make you rich, the happiness it will bring is sure to be priceless.

Beware of: Men with diamond tattoos

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January 17

In your search for true love, consider which attributes your potential mate would find attractive. While your love of avant-garde fashion would certainly appeal to a mummy, your desire to live by the ocean would be a definite plus to a giant squid. If the correct choice isn’t obvious, let your heart decide.

Unlucky numbers: 10, 12, 122, 444

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January 18

Never one to take a backseat in life, you are always on the lookout for other party animals to join in your revelry. You should, however, be wary of any that howl at the moon and smell like a wolf.

Dark days: Friday, Saturday

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January 19

You enjoy leading a full life but sometimes the pressure of so many commitments can become overwhelming. The next time you find yourself alone in a strange room at a party and it feels as though the walls are closing in around you, be sure that they’re not.

Unlucky number: 5

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January 20

In both life and love you are known as one who shoots from the hip—and your aim is always true. Knife-throwing is something else, though. It would be wise to choose an assistant with no close friends or relatives.

Dark day: Sunday

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January 21

A quest to uncover your family’s history will lead to surprising revelations about your childhood. Don’t be surprised if you find something more sinister than skeletons in a close relative’s closet.

Beware of: Cocktails served in test tubes

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January 22

Snakes, scorpions, and spiders—these are just a few of the dangerous things in life that you need not worry about. Deranged surgeons soliciting for a few unsuspecting patients to perform experiments on, however …

Dark days: Wednesday, Thursday

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January 23

A firm believer in the virtues of cleanliness, you are known for immaculate grooming and flawless skin. This is why you will have an especially difficult time concealing those hard-to-wash smudges of grave dirt. In the future, try covering them with makeup. It’s a great way to throw nosy friends off your trail.

Unlucky numbers: 35, 53, 353

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January 24

You’ve always been prone to adopt strays, whether