Mother and Son

By Richard Lung

I’m here, Richie. I can’t bear shutting the door in day-time, and locking.
What have I done to deserve this? How did I get like this? What the hell is going on?...
Dad's died, has he? You didn’t tell me. I was hoping against hope he was alive. I love you so much. I decided I was going to walk but I didn’t know which way to go....
It’s put a sort of red mark on my arm. It’s nothing.
[The killing cancer spread was beginning to show on Mums left arm.]
I want to be with you. – The only hope I’ve got...
What do you think they’re doing this [for]?...
They all work for the same cause, and don’t you forget it.
It makes me sick, to think about it.
Are you there, my sweet-heart? I know you are, and I love you. I’m not blaming you. I don’t know [what to do] unless I run away.
The help is nothing. It’s stupid. You know damn well it’s never coming. I don’t care; you do as you like. I have no faith in that.
I love you; I shall die loving you. I’m sat in this empty bloody room. I’ve nobody to talk to. I might as well be dead, without this. How can I live without a friend or relative?
Where are you?
In me bed-room. I mean, can’t [you come]? My health is deteriorating [-- tragically true -- ] and I’m unhappy. Other people got out. They got Win out. [Ella names residents after former friends. The care home moved a resident friend to another level.] And I’m going to die; I know I am. What else can I do? Horrible bed and walls in this horrible place.
It’s not me, it’s the council.
It’s no good, day after day, night after night; it’s a nightmare. Every day, without any friends, any relatives, nothing. I’m fed up with it. I’m thinking [can’t you get me out of here]?
I can’t do that; it’s against the law. [What Ella called a wicked law: deprivation of liberties.]
[It’s a free country, isn’t it?]
Not any more.
No help, nothing. It just goes on and on and on. And I die, in between. What have I done? – Nothing. Just helped people, all my life. Never had anything special for myself. Once you're tied-up, nobody can help you. And I’m stuck in this bed-room, and I’ve no hope. It’s not a haven. It’s one poor old girl.
Everybody’d be too old, to get me out. [Ella is thinking of her relatives, who have passed on.] I worked best I could. I looked after me family. What the hell is wrong with this world? – I’m not even going to talk about it. You can’t change the local law; never mind. What’s wrong with this bloody world?
[I have tried to get you home.]
I know you have. But it doesn’t work. You’re too good for any of ‘em. You have to do things different.... Long lonely nights; nothing to look forward to.
I’m sorry, I can’t expect you to do [for me]. People aren’t [obliging]. Your way is too official. I don’t know what’s up with it. Even I was better...
Lips are red raw; I’m sat in this horrible place, and I don’t know who’s coming in, next.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richard Lung
• Release date: Apr 29, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005478513

Richard Lung

My later years acknowledge the decisive benefit of the internet and the web in allowing me the possibility of publication, therefore giving the incentive to learn subjects to write about them.While, from my youth, I acknowledge the intellectual debt that I owed a social science degree, while coming to radically disagree, even as a student, with its out-look and aims.Whereas from middle age, I acknowledge how much I owed to the friendship of Dorothy Cowlin, largely the subject of my e-book, Dates and Dorothy. This is the second in a series of five books of my collected verse. Her letters to me, and my comments came out, in: Echoes of a Friend.....Authors have played a big part in my life.Years ago, two women independently asked me: Richard, don't you ever read anything but serious books?But Dorothy was an author who influenced me personally, as well as from the written page. And that makes all the difference.I was the author of the Democracy Science website since 1999. This combined scientific research with democratic reform. It is now mainly used as an archive. Since 2014, I have written e-books.I have only become a book author myself, on retiring age, starting at stopping time!2014, slightly modified 2022.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Mother and Son

Journals

April

May

Illustrations

Sketch of son by mother

Two sketches of husband

Second foto of mother and son, in garden.

Author profile page

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Mother and Son

Sketch of son by mother

Mother sketched her son

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April

Table of Contents

13 April

I’m sat (in this big room). Are you all right? I’m worried about you. I miss you. I never see you. Take care of yourself, because it’s cold. They never have any fires, here. They don’t know what a fire is. The more people come in, the warmer it is. I’ve never known such awful weather, for so long. My little laddie, I love you so much.

That’s very sweet of you.

Ah, I mean that. My little wee laddie. Ah, we’ve had a lot of Scots, in the early 40s. There’s a song about a Scottish soldier. They were nice, tho. They were all right. One of them said: I'll pay sixpence, if she talks in Broad Yorkshire, to my pals. They won’t know what she says.

(I went into the garden again…)

I didn’t want a home that hadn’t a garden. And it’s just the right size.…

(Yes, it is. There was a lot of bird song, today.)

Oh, they make a bit of a row, don’t they? I remember when they made a terrific row. But they're nice, aren't they? Telling you all the news.… By! It’s cawd, in here.

(Can you get near a radiator?)

No, there isn’t one where we are. And I am in a corner.… Well, my little Dino, I love you so much. But I can’t keep on the phone; they're yabbing.

By! It is cawd, in here. I don’t know what to do. They think it’s summer, all year round, here. They really do. It wants keeping on, because it’s too cold, and the doors are open. And nowt you can do about it. I wouldn’t dare… I was looking forward to you ringing up. (Your love is precious to me; I’m very lucky.) The phone is all we have, really.

Bless you, darling. I’m trying to do for you. But [it’s so difficult, to get anywhere, is what it amounts to].

Don’t worry, Dino. It never works. People used to think if you worry, it works. But it doesn't. They think it cures, but it doesn't.

There’s some lesser celandines in the garden.

They’re yellow, pretty.

Yes.

I think cattle like them.

I don’t know whether they're edible. No, buttercups are poisonous.

I’d forgotten that. They were good for putting under your chin – to see if someone loves you, or something. It’s an auld-fashioned thing, in the 30s. We always used to say: Watch your mouth.…

Cawd, like winter, isn’t it?

It’s damp and cool, not nice.…

Can you keep your voice down?… Sweet-heart, sweet-heart, sweet-heart, will you love me ever?

Hopefully.

It’s a rowdy auld carry-on. (Better pick another day, when they’re not all crowded round.)

I cleared the garden path.

Good little lad.

They’re going to bed… I’ve been on, long enough, to annoy them.… Bless you, and take care of yourself.

Yes, I’ll ring you tomorrow. Every day is another chance to say: I love you…

[Ella appreciates that.]

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14 April

Hello Richie. Just going to get our tea. I’ll try talk (till they come).… Keep your voice down…

It always takes me by surprise (that I have to lower my voice).

Oh well, I suppose it does me, really. I think about you, and I miss you.

I’m sorry (we’re not together).

It’s not your fault. Bless you, darling.

I’ll always be yours.

I knew that, love. Precious little lad, at home, playing in the field, and sitting under the tree.…

Don’t neglect your food…

(The cold air and the hot sun is not my favorite weather.)

It’s a creeping crawling cold thing. It is awful. Never lets up.

(I was kneeling in the garden, weeding.)

You don’t want to do that. (Even with a cushion, you get cold in your knees.)

I didn’t stop there.

Keep your legs warm.

You, too, Mum.

(Cold air and hot sun) I don’t like that.

I don’t like the contrast.

I don’t.…

We are in the big room. I’ve been a long time (waiting).… Tea, in about quarter of an hour, I hope. Poor catering.

Don’t over-eat.

I’m glad you think that, because I’ve been thinking it, for months.

Keep your weight down.

I’m nine stone, nearly 10 stone.

It’s harder to keep healthy, if you’re over-weight. I’m just warning you, Mum. I’m just telling you.

Awh, shurrup! -- They’re quarrelling; a customer and worker, I think. I try to keep out of everything.

You do right.

Dino, my little love. Dino, my little lad. (My little love lad.)

Thank you, Mum.

Thank you, as well, for being my little lad. -- Sweet-heart.

You’re very good to me.

I love you, you see.

I love you. I’ll always love you.

I know, isn’t it grand? I think it’s great. Better than blooming grub, except you have to eat.…

[The fact that love makes one less dependent on the things of this world, we live in, suggests it might transcend it.]

(Ella sings something like: My little lad. It makes me sad, I’m not with him.)

I want you to be with me. (The virus isn’t the half of the problem.)

Don’t worry about it. As long as we connect, on the phone. Let’s hope it happens for the best. Don’t worry, because if you’re poorly (Mam can’t help you).…

It is cawd, Dino. I’m in the floor above – I’ve forgotten what they call it.

I know (where you are).

I think I’m here for good, by the looks of things.

I’m trying to change that.

(Don’t make things worse for yourself.)

It’s part of a procedure.

Oh, all right; we'll leave it, ‘cos I don’t like disappointments. I love you. I wish we didn’t have to part. I wish we were together. [The sound is faint.]

You wish we were together?

Yes.

Good!

(Ella sings:) I hope we get together, and don’t ever have to part.

That’s what I hope.

I’m waiting for a bite to eat... They’re young, and not much cop at catering, aren’t young ‘uns.…

Sweet-heart, sweet-heart, will you love me ever?

Hopefully, I will love you ever.

Sweet little lad; always looking for his Mammy, when I was at the farm. Looking for his Mammy, when he couldn’t find her. I love my little lad.

I love you, Mum, also, with all my heart.

Don’t worry about me. Just love me, love your Mammy.… I haven’t had anything to eat, today. I didn’t get my own, you see. You see, they are a dilatory lot.… I’ll have to break off, because I haven’t had my tea. (Ring me, later.) Look after yourself, for your Mammy.

Take care of yourself, for my sake, as well as your own.

(That’s what I do.)

I’ll always love you.

And I love you, my little son. By-by, for just now.…

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15 April

… I wish things would change for the better...

Yeah, I hope so.… We are living with the sea-gulls flying round. Yeah, because we are so high up, you see. Sweet-heart, I think about you, all the time. My little lad… Loads of sea-gulls flying up and down, by the windows.

I saw a couple of blue-tits, in the garden. They looked very smart.

They would be a pair. It's about the time of year... Don’t know how they get so smart. They never get mucky (yet they're outside, in all weathers…)

(They get very tired, feeding their young...)

We all are.…

They're waiting to go to bed. That’s all there is. No entertainment, nothing. Nobody to talk to. No, it’s no good.

Change comes so bloody slowly, if it ever does.

What did you say? Somebody’s got a dryer on. Can you hear it?

Yes.

Today again the air was cold, and the sun was hot.

Same here.… Seems funny, going to bed with sunlight. It’s cold and miserable. I’ve never been out, nowhere. And they don’t talk -- people -- much. They sit there on their own. They used to talk more, last year or two. [Ella may be thinking of her club life, before the care home.]…

It’s great, if we could just be together.

Yeah, it would be.

I love you, my little lad. If you look after your little lad, it’s great, and greater still, if you can be with him.… I’m not keeping you too long? I’m among a lot of people. They don’t like it (me talking).

I went out to post a letter, for the first time in weeks.

That would be thrilling.

(There were a few people about. But you have to keep your distance, because of the virus.)

Careful, when you go out (among people).

(Avoiding them was like children playing the game of tiggi.)

Oh yes, you must do that. Keep yourself away from things like that. I’m stuck here, so I don’t get anybody but people, in the bloody room.…

I’ll have to ring off. I was just going to the toilet, when you rang.

(The restrictions on social distancing are being relaxed. I was surprised to see people at the tables, in the little garden, outside the pub. They were quiet, tho.)

It’s hard work, making money out of business, especially that one (catering). I’ve been with me Mam; she was good at it. People, who came, behaved, because she picked out folks. She was clever, that way.

(You made friends, as well. Like the Hendersons.)

Well, we weren’t looking for them. But some of them, they want to make friends. Some don’t, but they did.…

Oh, I’ve got a squealer.

What a screech!

Oh my God, I don’t like her, at all.

She’s distressed, you know.

She’s finding a seat, near us. [She yelps.] – Like kids never grew up.…

(Don’t go out of the way.) You’ve plenty of little walks near your home.

(The post-box) it is a little walk near our home.

Well, I love you, darling, but they’re getting round me. I love my little lad.

I love you.

Keep in touch with your Mam.

I know you do.

The Hebe bush has grown back, on the front drive. (Over 20 years ago, an Arctic frost clipped the coast, and killed the Hebe bushes. It’s taken all that time to grow back. Now it needs cutting back a bit.)

I've forgotten what it looks like.

(It is an evergreen with fairly dark oval green leaves.)

You’ve caught a bad time. Ring me, another time, when it’s a bit quiet. I wish I was with you, every day.

So do I. That’s what I want, too.

But don’t worry about it, because they can’t take my love away…

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16 April

I wish I was near you, so I can talk to you. I love you so much. There’s a wall heater near me, so you can’t tell it’s on. I’ve been thinking about you, wondering about you, if you’re all right. It seems funny I’m not with you. Never mind, Dino, we’ve got each other, and we love each other.

It isn’t half cold. It’s a cold country. I’ve come to that conclusion. Something desperate’ll happen, if it changes.

[Ella may have asked: What have you to tell me?]

I fell asleep this afternoon [so I don’t have much to tell you].

It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you fell asleep.

[Ella may have said: I didn’t know whether you were going to ring.]

It’s all right, Mum. I wouldn’t miss you, for anything.

(Too) nice little sweet-heart...

(It’s a cold situation, this country, isn’t it?)

It would be colder, but for the Gulf Stream.

Well, if it’s there, always.

[It might not be.]

You don’t know, do you. Climates change places.…

I’m in this big room, with half a dozen people, and it’s fit (to freeze you). I’m sat near this heater, and it’s like cold tea, sitting near it.

That’s a good expression.

I wasn’t thinking about expression; it just came out.…

They have concerts, here.

I don’t like 'em; too noisy.

(They’re too old-fashioned. The young don’t like them.)

It’s allus cold.

It is; it’s no good for you.

Where are you, now? (House number)?

Yes.

That’s the best place to be. It’s warmer than here, I tell you. It’s so cold, near this heater, I’m going to shift. Terrible cold.

[Silence for a few minutes. I keep saying hello.

Staff, going by, tells Ella: Richard is on the phone to you.]

I thought you’d finished.

To tell you the truth, I hadn’t much to say to you. (I’ve had to do clerical work, for officials. I’ve managed, so far, but they make it difficult for you.)

They make it hard for you. It gives ‘em a living, you see. That’s about top and bottom of it. (Some people may have a different view, but) it all boils down to wages.…

I’m just going to put the phone down. I’m putting a blanket over my shoulders. (I'm by the heater.) I’m nearly sat on it, and I can’t feel the heat, it’s that cold. Big room; doors wide open.

(The staff) They can stand it, because they're always on the move, and they have a room, of their own, to go to. So they can stick it; anybody could.

It was worse for me, at the farm, than ever