The Lost Kiss

By Jonace Manyasa

The Lost Kiss is simply astonishing. Its imagery is powerful. Jonace Manyasa presents characters that will keep you busy. You can see in them, among other things, a reflection of love experiences. This theme, which has implications beyond the obvious affairs, is imaginatively handled. The incidents of the story are wholly mind-blowing.This is Manyasa's debut novel, but he has complete mastery of his story and its style. Enjoy it.

Yohana Mung'aya
Department of Languages and Literature, University of Dar es Salaam (DUCE).

 

This is a feminist novel written by a man from a woman's point of view. It is the best and modern book that shows how women have been empowered in their sexuality.

 

Joyce Swilla

Department of Languages and Literature, University of Dar es Salaam (DUCE).

The Lost Kiss is simply astonishing. Its imagery is powerful. Jonace Manyasa presents characters that will keep you busy. You can see in them, among other things, a reflection of love experiences. This theme, which has implications beyond the obvious affairs, is imaginatively handled. The incidents of the story are wholly mind-blowing.This is Manyasa's debut novel, but he has complete mastery of his story and its style. Enjoy it.

Yohana Mung'aya
Department of Languages and Literature, University of Dar es Salaam (DUCE).

 

This is a feminist novel written by a man from a woman's point of view. It is the best and modern book that shows how women have been empowered in their sexuality.

Joyce Swilla

Department of Languages and Literature, University of Dar es Salaam (DUCE).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonace Manyasa
• Release date: Jun 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9791035971106

Jonace Manyasa

Jonace Manyasa (Ph.D.) is a lecturer in the department of languages and literature in the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences (University of Dar es Salaam-DUCE). He holds a Ph.D. (linguistics), an M.A in linguistics and a Bachelor of Arts (Education) from the University of Dar es Salaam.  He also holds an M.A in French as a foreign language from University Stendhal, Grenoble 3 in France (now UNIVERSITE GRENOBLE ALPES).

Book preview

Chapter One

Frank had not imagined that Jessica's kiss would end out of the blue. She had made up her mind. For the second time that evening, she lay down in her bed and dreamed of Tobias. It was the same dream. She looked on as Tobias kissed a surprised and bemused Maryam. It was both excruciating and erotic. Tobias then took the parting kiss and set off to continue his mission. The betrayal was total. It was a love story filled with brutal honesty. The emotion and dream were sobering and laced with tragedy. When Frank came in the next day, he found Jessica sitting quietly, sorting through her thoughts.

Do you want to talk about it? he asked.

Not now, she said.

Why not? Frank asked.  

I just need to concentrate. The rules change all the time, she said. She got up and paced around the room.

When did they change? Frank asked.

Not sure. I just know that it's now the kiss of death, Jessica said. Frank's frustration mounted. It was the third time she had changed the rules. It was also the third time they had broken the rules. In their previous lives, the rules were theirs to make or break. But now, here, they were in a prison, caging themselves against what the rules allowed.

Who made the rules? Maybe you could talk to them about it, he said.

Jessica looked up at him with despair in her eyes.  

You can't talk to them, she said. There's nobody to talk to. Frank stopped pacing and knelt down in front of her.

I've talked to them. I'm the one who makes the rules.

But I can also make the rules. Can’t I? I know it's hard, but you have to trust me. The only way we get out of here is to be willing to bend, Jessica said. Frank sat up and put his arm around her shoulders.

It's not a matter of trust, he said. There's no way to trust them. I think it's much simpler than that. We have to look at this problem. There's no way I can give up what they're offering. So I guess we just have to take a leap of faith.

I don't know, she said.

Frank squeezed her shoulders. Well, that's the thing about love. If you don't really give your heart, if you don't really put your heart on the line, then it doesn't matter what your heart feels. You can't ever tell what you're really feeling. That's the kind of love we're talking about. Don't you think that's what we had? You were willing to let me get close and spend some time with you. You let yourself believe it might be real. And I was willing to take that chance.

The next day, Jessica sat alone in her room. The previous day's interrogation had been a difficult one. They asked her about the affair and her feelings for Tobias. Frank had even interrogated Maryam, who, to his disappointment, was unable to confirm anything beyond her initial reaction to the kiss. Frank was waiting for her when she finally returned to her room.

Are you okay? he asked.

Yeah, I'm fine, she said. I'll tell you more soon.

I'll wait for you.

The evening came and Tobias was busy appeasing Maryam as she wept over the loss of their love. Jessica couldn't even look at them. She spent the evening poring over the rules, trying to figure out what was being done to them. Frank had started to study the questions on their next interview, but he had left her to study the problem by herself. Hours went by, and still nothing. She sat in the dark.

It's time for dinner, Frank said.

It's too late, she said. I can't eat. I can't think.

I'm not asking you to eat, but you have to come out of the room and talk to me for a little while.

I don't know what I can say. I can't bear to look at the rules.

Then think about what you want to say.

What do I want to say?

The only thing I want you to say is, I love you, Frank.

That sounds good, but I don't think I can say that, Jessica said. Just tell me. Just make a statement. Don't go into details, Frank insisted.

I don't know how to do this, she said.

Just do it.

I love you, she said, struggling to speak.

Let's stick together, Frank said.

We can't do that.

Why not?

No. It's not our place, Jessica said.

I don't think you understand what love is. I've seen it. I know it's real. I've seen it happen. It's a real feeling.

I can't say I know what it's like.

I'm not going to live my life alone. I want a lover, a partner, a life partner. I don't want to be alone. You don't want me.

Of course I do. You're my husband, and I love you. You're the best husband I've ever had, and I'm not leaving you, you hear me? I'm not leaving you, Jessica said.

I'll give up my freedom for you.

It's not just freedom, Frank. It's time.

What will you do then? Frank asked.

I'll do what I have to do to survive, Jessica replied.

I can't let you do that, he said.

I'm afraid of dying, she said.

I don't think I will be able to make that decision. I don't know if I could leave you, Frank said.

It's my life, she said. I'll decide what I want.

If you don't want me, I'll leave you, he said.

You'll die, Jessica joked.

I'll get another wife, Frank said.

We're in here, and we're together. Do you know anything? When I'm with you, it's all right. When we're together, I know I'm not alone. I feel less afraid. Do you know anything? You've taught me a lot. You've taught me how to love you. Do you know what love is? she explained.

No, I don't, he said.

Love is feeling safe with someone. You know what I mean, right? Jessica asked.

No.

We're not separated. When I'm with you, it's all right. You're like a safe place for me. If I'm afraid of being alone, I know you'll stay with me. Do you know what I mean, Frank? How do you feel when you're with me? Jessica asked.

There is always peace.

I can see it. You're so rash. It's not just peace. It's a feeling. I can't explain it, Jessica remarked.

Then try. You are always so stupid. Look, I'm looking through my eyes. I am not thinking about my name. I'm thinking about the air I'm breathing. I am thinking about the food I'm eating. I am thinking about the smells. The smells are not distracting me. They are wonderful. It's such a relief. I didn't know it was possible. I feel free. I feel like I can make love. I'm doing it. I'm making love to you. I can make love to you. I want to make love to you. Do you understand? Frank asked.

Yes. And that is not stupid. That is wonderful. That is freedom.

He turned away from her and pulled his legs up onto the concrete bench, leaned back, and closed his eyes, his hands supporting his head. He looked tiny. He was very small. He was a little boy, a little boy. The only difference was that he was a boy with a headache and his teeth.

Frank, you're so stupid, Jessica said.

Don't you want me? he asked.

It's my life. I'll decide what I want, she said.

Are you so stupid, Jessica? Have you ever heard of a wife being married to two men? Frank asked.

No. Of course not. Do you think I'm stupid? I know a wife is married to one husband, Jessica said.

That's the way it is. That's the way it always is. That's how it was when I was young, Frank said.

Jessica felt an overwhelming sense of loss. She had lost so many people in the past year, she felt almost numb. Some of them had died at the hands of insurgents. Most had died because of her fault or because of war. She felt that she would never be able to bear the weight of another loss. Her heart was unable to conceive the loss of another soul. She walked down the street thinking of Tobias. There was no more joy in the room when she left. Only a vague, haunting sadness was all that remained. It had been almost two years since she had kissed Tobias. She couldn't bear to forget. She couldn't bear to live without him. She couldn't bear to live. It was almost as if the true tragedy of Jessica's love was that it lasted so short a time. It was exactly the same story with every woman in the world that lost her soul mate to this dreadful war. No woman should have to feel the pain of knowing that her only chance of ever loving again was a long, slow and agonizing death. No woman should be forced to feel the pain of living every day as a living ghost.

Nothing will ever be the same, she thought. After a long walk in the cool summer air, Jessica sat on a bench on the high street, gazing down at the pavement. She felt numb. The sky was turning a soft pink, as the early evening set in. Jessica loved pink. It reminded her of her dream. It was a reminder of what she had lost and what she would never have again. A small tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away. After a while, she said, I have to do something. The large and well-padded handbag hanging from her shoulder made her realize that she was not dressed for a night out. She quickly walked down the high street and into a small restaurant. She went through the door. The whole establishment had fallen silent. She sat down at a table. A waiter quickly approached her table.

What can I get you? he asked politely.

"Dodoma wine please,’’Jessica replied in a cold and somewhat impolite voice.

OK. That will be fifteen thousand, the waiter replied in a jovial tone. He bowed slightly and left the table. For some reason, the cashier did not ask any questions. Jessica downed the glass of wine and waited.

The lady wants you, The barman said.

Don't know, Jessica replied.

The barman picked up a heavy bottle and brought it over to her table. He uncorked

What am I going to do now? she asked herself, There's no one left. Then she heard the sound of footsteps.

Who's there? she called out. Then she saw Tobias's face, standing a few feet away.

Who are you? she asked.

Just a friend, he said.

What are you doing here? she asked.

I'm sorry, he said. I didn't know how to say goodbye to you.

You don't have to, she said. I know how it happened.

Did you? he asked.

What are you talking about? she asked. Tobias, you're not leaving me. Are you?

I am, he replied.

Good, Jessica said.

Just wanted to say goodbye. Then I'll never see you again.

He looked at the clock. It was getting dark. I don't have much time left.

I need you to love me.

Do you love me? she asked.

I don't want to hear any more lies, he said. He stood up.

Do you love me? she asked.

I do.

Then why are you leaving me?

I can't stay, he replied.

Why? she asked.

I have a little problem. It's all over. I can't control it.

What's wrong?

What do you think it is? he asked.

You're leaving me, she said.

He kissed her on the forehead.

Don't leave me, he said.

I won't leave, Jessica said.

Promise me, he pleaded.

I promise. I love you.

I love you too.

Goodbye then.

Tobias put his arms around her, lifted her up and kissed her goodbye. Frank did not want to leave Jessica. He loved her. On the contrary, Jessica wanted to quit.

"Why do you want to leave me? Frank asked.

I just need a break, Frank. This marriage can’t work, Jessica said. And you think it can work with someone else, Jessica? Frank asked.

I don’t know, Frank. I just need a break.

After some days, Jessica went back to Tobias. She didn’t care that he was married or had children. He was her first adventure and she was ready to go away with him on a new journey in life - an adventure without rules or responsibilities. Tobias! I am ready to be with you again! We are meant for each other! Let me tell you something. I hate my husband! He doesn’t love me anymore! We are no longer happy together! I am so angry I could kill him! I am so jealous of him, I can hardly stand it! I have no respect for him anymore.

That sounds like someone who has given up on the marriage. And it sounds like someone who is extremely unhappy with her husband and has strong feelings of hate and anger. It certainly does not sound like anyone who has the kind of love for her husband that will keep her married to him. It is not possible to really love someone and hate them at the same time; it is possible to feel attraction or sexual desire towards someone you hate, but not real love. No one can truly love another person while feeling intensely negative emotions towards them, such as anger, hate, bitterness, resentment or jealousy, Tobias explained.

I will divorce my husband.

Can’t you see that I am now married? How can we be together again? Jessica, you are a married woman. How can you leave your husband? Tobias asked.

I really don't care what your wife Maryam thinks about our love affair. She started it. I was legally married to you, Tobias. She seduced you and you succumbed to her invitation. I am back, Tobias. I want you back, Jessica said.

She remembered how Maryam caused their divorce. She was trying to make up for her estranged husband. The news of Maryam's marriage made her remember the good times she had with Tobias. They were so close that she almost called him her son. She remembered how his arms felt so comforting. She could see herself in his eyes and it made her yearn for him. She loved the way he embraced her and her father when they all went out on their wedding anniversary. She had watched that video over and over and yet she could not get enough of it. She and her father were in tears while watching it. Maryam's evilness made Jessica realize that she had been wrong all along. She had started the journey of her life for the wrong reasons. The news of her husband's love affair made her confront Maryam one day.

My name is Jessica. I have just come to warn you. Please, stop what you are doing. Stop seeing Tobias. He is my hubby.

She remembered how Maryam had looked at her and smiled before going back inside her house. For the past couple of months, Jessica had watched her from a distance. She even sent love messages to Tobias.

I want you to love me and only me, Tobias. I cannot bear to see you with Maryam any longer. I know you are having an affair with her.

One day, Jessica caught Maryam in her matrimonial room. She was with Tobias. The scene was horrible. Tobias had Maryam lying naked on the bed. Maryam was crying out to God asking for forgiveness. The evil thoughts that crossed her mind made her follow Tobias to the bedroom. Jessica could hear them moaning while doing it. The thought made her sick. She could feel blood on her thighs. Her tears started flowing as she made her way towards the room. She was clutching her stomach when she got there.

You bastard. What have you done? How can you hurt me like this? Jessica yelled. Her frustration made her lose her control. Her hands flew and punched Tobias in the face. He was knocked down. She screamed in agony. She stood over him, wanting to do more damage. But then she thought, "I can't do this. Killing him won't help