Marc Bolan Killed in Crash

By Ira Robbins

Laila Russell is an ordinary 15-year-old schoolgirl living in London with her father, who is morose over his wife's accidental death.

 

In the spring of 1972, Laila spots a lost pocketbook on the Underground and returns it to Amanda Charles, a fashionable young woman employed by an aging rock star. With glam music on the rise, Chaz Bonapart is going out of style. His manager, Francis Guy, comes up with a plan to get him back in the game by feeding him song ideas that teens would respond to, and he enlists Laila to be his secret weapon.

 

Thrust into a new world at an age that awakens sexual desire, Laila develops crushes on Amanda and a handsome friend of hers. Encounters with an American store clerk, a vicious skinhead and an eccentric artist further expand her horizons.

 

Amanda tries to manipulate Laila into a doomed romance as a perverse form of inspiration, but Laila finds her own source of clever song ideas, and Chaz begins having hits with them. As he recognizes Laila's own potential, Frank plots to make her his star client.

 

The second part of the story finds Laila a has-been no longer certain who she is. She is crushed by a discovery about her mother and threatened by an old nemesis. But when she becomes a victim of shocking violence, it's from a completely unexpected source.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trouser Press Books
• Release date: May 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9780984253937

Ira Robbins

Ira Robbins was raised in New York City in the 1960s and studied to be an electrical engineer – but became a music journalist instead. His previous books include The Trouser Press Guide to New Wave Records, The Rolling Stone Review 1985, Test Your Rock I.Q. and The Trouser Press Guide to 90s Rock. This is his first novel.

Book preview

BOOK 1

Face your fears

CHAPTER 1 / This Is Where It All Ends

THE MUSIC BLASTING in the small office on the 17th floor was always so loud that people passing in the hall outside routinely paused conversations as they passed. How the occupant was able to conduct telephone conversations in there struck many as a mystery, but he in fact did, seated behind a dented metal desk, surrounded by the records, cassettes, souvenirs, awards, fashions, detritus and marketing tchotchkes of a hotshot in the record business. A phone shouldered up to his ear, a feathered hat perched above it, he went about his job unperturbed by the jet-propulsion laboratory of ambient sound he inhabited, exhibiting an uncanny ability to isolate a speaking voice in a telephone receiver from the din surrounding him.

The person currently on the other end of the line, however, was having difficulty making out words over the background noise. The nuisance of repeatedly being asked to repeat himself, a growing problem among high-decibel rockers who had not yet discovered the long-term benefits of ear protection, might have led a reasonable adult to adjust the volume in the office, but this one had clear and firm priorities, and music was at the very top  —  so, no.

"International Musician magazine, eh? Yes, I get a comp from you guys. Try to read it, but y’know...Sure. I said sure. What would you like to know? To know?"

Eon Clean shifted the receiver to the other ear and set about relighting the cigar in his hand with a Billy Joel lighter.

"Shit, I haven’t thought about her in years. Haven’t. No, years. No. Hey, would you like me to shoot you a cassette of demos for this amazing band we’ve got in the pipeline? They’re from Seattle. Seattle. SEATTLE. It’s gonna be the next Liverpool. LIVERPOOL. Forget it."

He flipped the lighter onto a mess of papers in a basket marked COMING. Next to it, a Playboy daybook displayed 1989 Playmate of the Year Kimberley Conrad in all her blonde glory.

"Yeah. OK. Rockit LA. Yeah, I knew her. Knew her. I knew her when she was just plain Laila Russell. RUSSELL. We had, y’know, a thing. A thing. A THING. Affair? Don’t put words in my mouth. No, not from the south. Mouth. Mouth! Fuck. No, not an affair. N-o-t-a-n-a-f-a-r-e. A thing. Fling? No, a THING."

He puffed on the stogie and blew out a cloud of smoke, wondering what kind of numbers she could have done in the States had MTV been around back then.

"Cute kid. Is she dead or something? Dead. She’s not? Good. Good. Sure, sure."

"Hold on, what? WHAT? Hang on a tick, let me turn down the music." He jumped up and powered down the 400 watt Sony receiver, turning the room silent save for the gentle whoosh of air conditioning. The sonic vacuum caught the attention of a publicist in a meeting with a product manager across the hall. None of them had ever heard nothing emanate from the hovel Eon Clean called his bunnyhole in the year since he’d moved in. They looked at each other, weighing which one of them would knock and see if he was alive.

He plopped back down in the $650 burn-scarred executive chair he’d had special-ordered and pushed a suede loafer against the desk, leaning the chair back at a precarious angle.

Wow, that was a long time ago. We were just kids. Yeah, she did one tour over here, but it wasn’t really happening for her in the States. But then none of those glam bands really made it here. Bolan, one single. Bowie, it took a while to get his skinny ass off the ground, sales-wise. But Slade had a rough time of it, Alex Harvey did a bit of TV... a couple of tracks clicked for the Sweet, but not the ones they wanted, right? And Cockney Rebel — a huge star at home but Harley couldn’t get himself arrested if he took a dump on the White House roses. What a talented guy. Just too British, I daresay.

The Kinks? Yeah, well. He switched the receiver to his other ear and yawned. Yeah, sorry. Rockit LA. He picked up a stack of messages and idly thumbed them as he listened. No, American, born and bred. I picked up a bit of an accent living in London in the early ‘70s. Yeah, it was an amazing time. Paid my dues, don’t you know, learning the biz from the ground up. Worked in a record shop. Right around the time Virgin was getting going. Yeah, I know Richard a bit. Quite a charmer. I’d like to work for him someday. That’s off the record. Right.

What did you say your name was again?

And what sort of piece are you doing on her? Who gives a crap this late in the day, man? I mean, really, c’mon, it’s been, what, like fifteen years since she was big, and now you’re doing an article on her? How old were you in 1975?

Shit, I’ve got a jock strap older than that.

Chaz Bonapart? Yeah, that’s a sad story. I used to like his records, but then he really lost the plot. Sad to see an old-timer fall so down the ladder of success. I see his name in the trades now and again, managing some loser or another. Sad.

Lyrics? What do lyrics have to do with anything?

Yeah, I remember those songs. Catchy. Never did shit here.

"Did I do what? That’s a strange question."

"What? No. No. Look, I really can’t go on the record about this shit. Like I said, a good kid. But you’re barking up the tree here, pal. I can’t help you. There’s legal things involved. And my memory of those days is a bit fuzzy. Sorry. Look, if I think of anything, I’ll call you. Alright. Alright. Yeah."

He hung up the phone and rolled the volume knob back to where he liked it.

CHAPTER 2 / On the Beach

I LOCKED MYSELF AWAY. I pulled the phone wire out of the wall and ignored noises at the door. The post piled up and I let it. Depression didn’t stave off hunger, so I went out once a day for a takeaway curry, fags and a can or two of lager, but otherwise I didn’t see or speak to anyone. No one could possibly feel what I was feeling, and I had no use for hollow sympathy. Communication was pointless; I spoke a language of personal experience few shared. Stumbling on a memory gap of rejected reality opened a much larger wound for me than being publicly shamed for once stealing a few words from a fuck-buddy. I know it sounds outsized and unthinkable, like pulling one brick out from a wall and watching the whole castle collapse — believe me, I was shocked to discover how upset and unequipped to cope I was with this turn of events. But there you go.

The bulk of my adult life had essentially been a fiction; I knew that and had (more or less) made peace with it. But now I had to face the possibility that I had lost what had gone before. And as I hadn’t yet begun to work out what might come next, I was suspended in the unknown between fantasy and forgetfulness. I needed a core truth to cling to or I was nobody. It even started to worry me that — since Mum only existed in my clearly faulty memory  —  maybe I’d made her up as well. It was quicksand and I was sinking into it.

I badly wanted to talk to my dad about all of this but couldn’t see how that would be good for either of us. He was, after all, the one who needed of drugs to make it through the day, not me. And what did I imagine he could tell me about coping with the aftermath of stardom?

When I finally guessed I could bear to see him (or him me), I got a taxi to Milton Road. He’d heard about, but hadn’t seen, the television programme. Looking at the sorry state of ’im, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the black thoughts I was having, so I put it by and we had a laugh about one more TV interview that didn’t go so well.

We got talking about Mum. I’m not sure why I’d brought it along the life advice alphabet she’d done up for me, but I realized I needed to talk about it with him. This was the last tangible thing I had of her, proof real and true that she’d lived and loved and looked out for me as best she could. When I’d pull it out and look at it was like having her back for a minute, even if the realization that she wasn’t there only made things worse.

I loved the list, even if it was a bit cutesy. She’d typed it on the back of a ‘60s political flyer; the ink was a bit thin in spots, especially in the creases. I kept it in a polythene sleeve in a binder. There was a wine ring in the lower right corner. Her name was written at the top: Catherine Russell. A few of the — what would you call them, fortune cookie phrases?  —  doubled up on letters, as if she couldn’t decide which one she believed in more solidly. There wasn’t any for q or z, which was understandable, and the ones for k and x were a bit of a dodge. A few I didn’t get at all, but I found e terribly ironic, tears flowing at how quickly her life was erased.

Assess your advantages

(Your) body betrays you

Creativity is competition. (Competition can be creative.)

Doubt is d-u-m-b and destructive.

Don’t look down (on people).

End things efficiently

Face your fears

Gladness leads to greatness

Have a heart; hurl it at the one you love

Imagine what’s inside

Jail your jealousies

Know your (k)needs

Live your lies

Make time for misery

Never a need to be nasty

Outlaw the obvious  —  own your oddness

Pull the plaster

Remember who you are

Stay silly

Tell your tale

Undertake the unthinkable

Victory of vengeance has no value

Worry is waste

Examine the complex. Experiment. relaX.

You can only be you.

I handed him the page. Do you remember when she did this for me? The advice thingies?

He stared at it with a puzzled look on his face. He mouthed the words as he read a couple of the lines. Jail your jealousies....Outlaw the obvious...Pull the plaster...Tell your tale ....

Catherine wrote this? It was strange to hear him refer to her by name. He turned it over and smiled at the handbill side. I don’t recall. My memory isn’t like it used to be. The pills and all. I didn’t say that maybe it was just old age. He was, after all, closing in on 60.

"Yes, for me. Life lessons. She sealed it in an envelope and gave it to Aunt Ruth to hold for me. She set it aside and then forgot about it until I was in my teens. I vaguely remember going to see her when she was poorly and getting it off her then. It’s really all I have of Mum. I’ve tried to live by what she told me here, although I can’t say I’ve always succeeded." I swallowed hard and tried not to cry. It didn’t help to see their wedding picture on the shelf past his shoulder.

He turned the paper over a few more times, and then brightened and handed it back. Oh, yes. Now I remember. It was a school assignment for the teachers one term. She had a real gift for teaching, she did, very kind to her students. Concerned, like. She really understood them. Gave so much of herself.

Wait, what do you mean ‘a school assignment’?

The head, a small-minded bloke who never liked me, did a training course that recommended it as an exercise to connect the teachers and the students or some such. He came back and made everyone cobble something together. I tried to do one as well but I was crap at it. Your Mum, she was browned off about having to do it, but I guess she came through. As one always did. How did you come by this?

I was suddenly shaking and gasping air. I couldn’t fill my lungs. In a trembling whisper, I said, You mean she didn’t do it for me? Mother-daughter, like?

’Fraid not, luv.

She used to say ‘Face your fears, bunny’ to me. She was trying to prepare me for life, as if she knew she wouldn’t be around to talk to in person forever. And now you’re saying it was just a stupid homework exercise? Like writing your name a hundred times? Tears streamed down my face. I felt faint and gripped the arm of the chair to keep from sliding off.

There, there, girl. Mother loved you. I’m sure she was thinking of you when she wrote it.

Dad, don’t say that. You can’t take back the truth.

Yes, you’re right. He offered an apologetic smile. Take back the truth...sounds like one of her things. That she wrote. Really, Laila, you’re more like her than you’ll ever know.

I was sobbing hard. Dad, that’s no help to me now. You’ve ruined it for me, you have. This was the only thing of hers I had that’s mine, and now it’s not. What makes me any better than any fifth-former she taught in Brixton back then? He said something about money and fame, but I wasn’t listening. I felt the floor give way, like an amusement park ride or a Hammer nasty where the crazed killer comes back to life after you thought the worst was over. This was like losing her all over again. Or finding out she wasn’t actually my mother. Or that she had a whole other family somewhere that we didn’t know about. I limped home and locked myself away again.

Weeks passed. I cried and cursed and moaned and drank. I tried, not very hard, but I tried to think of a good reason to carry on. I fought off the idea of topping myself a couple of times. Slowly, some mix of fatigue and acceptance crept over me and I found myself able to function: bathe, eat, sleep. I’d read about junkies going cold turkey on their own, and that’s what this was like: clinging on to nothing more than surviving until morning. A castaway, shipwrecked on my own island, well aware that no one was coming to rescue me. I surprised myself that I could do it.

I had to get out of London. Everything I thought I knew was crumbling to dust before my eyes  —  and me along with it. The people I’d valued as friends now felt remote and useless at best and out-and-out traitors at worst. And then there was me. I wasn’t Rockit LA any longer — if I ever had been  —  and I really wasn’t Laila Russell either. Which left me with nothing.

I still had the magazine that TV girl waved in my face. I re-read the article several times. Eon was a hotshot A&R man at Epic Records in New York. From the quotes in there, he didn’t seem angry about what happened, I could sense from what he said that he’d been reluctant to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t hate me as much Nina had made it out.

I tried to remember how I had felt about him before the hurricane of my career hit, what we had been to each other. I don’t have a clue how people cling to memories of their emotions. But the more I thought about it the more I sensed that he may have been the last real thing that had happened in my life. He could be a starting point to understand what had happened and who I was. A long shot, yeah, but the only one I had.

◆

The Virgin Atlantic redeye was turbulent, but the supper was decent and the older bloke in the seat next to me was skinny and silent. I never learned to sleep on planes and spent the better part of seven hours fretting. As the night wore on, lacking an actual plan of what I might do or say once I got in front of Eon, I see-sawed between killing him and kissing him. Maybe both (but not in that order.) My mission was to punish or plead for anything that might put me back on the road to some semblance of myself. I needed a new reality and hoped Eon could help me retrace the steps leading up to Rockit LA so I could see a way forward.

I checked in to the Mayflower on Columbus Circle. I glanced at the USA Today left on the desk and realized, after a bit of head-scratching, that the day would have been my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary. I’d stayed there before  —  on my first trip abroad to meet the American label people and then, I think it was the same year, for a publicity blitz in advance of my first U.S. tour. None of it had gone well — me and America just couldn’t see each other properly.

I spent a couple of days wandering around the city — catching the rhythm of it, losing myself a bit in the bustling millions. I felt conspicuous in Harlem and anonymous in the East Village. Nobody recognized me, and why should they? It wouldn’t take any extravagance of cool or condescension to take no notice of a has-been glam star they probably hadn’t cared about in the first place. I went to the Strand and bought some local books. I suppose I was considering a life there.

The real order of business was getting up the nerve to ring. His secretary was a total bitch — all what is this in reference to? and will Mr Clean know what this is regarding? — so I had to leave several messages and then sit like a tree stump with a pot of Earl Grey in my room, awaiting his call.

Eon, who I forgot and called him by his real name, Bryan, when he came on the line, was understandably surprised  —  and I’d have to say a bit wary — about hearing from me after, what was it, twelve? fifteen? eighteen years? I didn’t say right off why I was there, just that I happened to be in town. I assured him that I was most surely not shopping for a deal and did not have a tape I wanted him to hear. I suggested we meet for lunch. He hemmed and hawed a bit, made a big show of checking his schedule (why do Americans pronounce it that way, anyway? — it’s c-h, not k) and penciled me in for the Friday. Meet me at Nirvana. That’s the Indian place I go when I want to be reminded of how much I miss London. It’s got a brilliant view. Then he switched into a line of professional patter I would rather have not heard. It was exhausting to be reminded of the old hustle. "Did you know there’s a band by that name now? They’re from Seattle. They’re pretty good, but I don’t think America is ready for rock that real. Did you bring a Walkman? Where are you staying? I’ll messenger over a cassette of their first album and you can tell me what you think. It’s called Bleach. Don’t tell anyone, but we’re thinking of going after them for their second album."

I prepared myself for lunch without any idea of what I wanted to convey or receive from it. I thought I might figure it out if I went shopping, but everything looked like a uniform that I didn’t belong in. I ended up in a white Oxford shirt and a red skirt, with a plaid necktie and the only shoes I’d brought: a beat-up pair of oxblood DMs.

When he came out to fetch me from reception I thought he looked smarter in the magazine photo, but he carried himself with the easy confidence of a man who was doing well and had got accustomed to being right (or at least obeyed) about things. At lunch, he shared stories about what he’d done since returning to the States: working on a presidential campaign, a stint in advertising, a brief and miserable stretch managing a heavy metal band, even a spot of what he called alternative journalism. He was vague about how he came to land a label job, but I think there was someone he’d known from London who brought him along and got him in there. And he’d found a couple of bands that had done well, so he was a golden boy for the moment. He was living on the Upper East Side with a girl who did press for a museum and trying not to think about formalizing their relationship. She wants a kid, he said, and I’m still one. I could see his point. None of us ever really grow up nowadays, we just paper over life’s disappointments. Maybe that’s just a fucked-up version of what the previous generation did, but it’s safe to say no one my age had turned into an adult, leastways not of the sort that raised us.

He asked how I’d been and said "ewww, gross" when I lifted my shades to show him the scar where my right eye no longer was, but otherwise didn’t seem all that curious about my doings these past two decades. He knew about my success — everyone did  —  but I guess the story of my failure wasn’t that compelling.

As I finished the lamb korma (not as good as home, but decent) and my second Kingfisher, I realized I was relaxed and enjoying myself as I hadn’t in a long while. There was a familiarity between us that a generation apart hadn’t erased. He’d been my first, and he was a big part of the reason I got into the music business. I could feel some of what I felt back then (not that there was anything to be done about it).

"So, you really didn’t come to see me about getting back in the game? Money for a demo? Nothing like that?"

I don’t think he could see past his limited view of the world and its possibilities. He’d done well, and could keep his position so as long as his ears worked and the record business survived. Nah, I’m done with that shit. I did it, made a bit of dosh, had some laughs and nearly died in the process. That’s more than enough for me. Now I just have to figure out the alternative. If there is one. I smiled at him. I hadn’t really smiled at anyone in a long time, and sincerity was nice for a change.

Bullshit.

Nobody who has ever been up there in the lights  —  the object of adulation and absurd faith, paid to make noise and prance around like an idiot  —  ever lets go of it completely. Even bands from the ‘60s were still going up and down the country, playing their old hits in cabarets for pensioners. It’s like a disease that stays in your bloodstream and can’t be got out. Like poison. Or a drug. And, truth be told, I’m sure my resistance to the Pavlov dog thing would only keep me away for so long. If someone came calling and told me there was a crowd packed into the Palladium cheering my name and demanding to hear me sing Ophelia’s Dream one more time, I’d probably get out of my sick bed and do it. (And change the title and lyrics to Amanda finally.) Good sense told me not to do it, and even better sense told me not to want it, but then I still had dreams about all of it, all of them, from time to time. People I hadn’t seen in ages. I shrugged.

He put his fork down and stared right at me for a long time. I felt more of what I once felt for him. It felt natural. I think my cheeks must have reddened a bit.

I dunno, Laila. He paused to push the hair back from his eyes. I can’t help you. You have to do this for yourself.

So I had crossed an ocean to hear what I already knew. There was a trace of kindness in his face, but distance in his eyes.

Maybe you should write a book or something.

CHAPTER 3 / Spring, 1972

I SAY, ERM, MISS, IS that seat taken?

The seat in question, across the carriage, was occupied by a leather knapsack and what I took to be some of its former contents. The gentleman’s enquiry was directed at the top of a head bowed in a book: neat brown hair, cut short at a sharp angle.

The speaker cleared his throat and tapped his brolly on the floor as if he were a circus ringmaster urging an elephant to mount a plinth. In response, and with a theatrical sigh, the head tilted back, although not far enough to actually meet his gaze. All yours, guvnor.

Oversized red plastic specs, large bright eyes, smooth, pale skin, thin lips with a slight upturn at the left that suggested a wry smile, independent of mindset or intent. Little or no makeup. I took it all in at a go. The smashing balance of prim and plucky continued downward: tailored white shirt and knotted tartan tie, red wool mini, no tights. Patent leather boots; red laces up to the knee. Smart, that’s what I thought. Very smart.

Erm....

She was staring directly at him with a look equally free of curiosity and concern and nary a move in response. The gent waved at the offending bag, then turned around, his cheeks reddening with irritation and despair. Just about the right mix, I thought. Welcome to bloody old England, where the goal is to fail a bit less and put up with what remains a bit better each year.

She sighed, placed a finger in the center of the page and did a slow pivot from his face to her bag, as if weighing what possible connection they might have. And then again. A bit of perfume, a breeze of citrus, wood and spice, floated into my nose.

Oh, right. Sorry. Can a voice be said to drip with insincerity? Carefully laying the book on her lap so as not to lose her place, she leaned over, shoveled the loose bits in and dropped the bag at her feet. She didn’t immediately return to the book, the better to express her silent resentment.

The City man aimed his bottom at the seat and sat down heavily, a few harrumphs huffed in disgust for sharing with the older others who had watched the scene unfold, a small but smug declaration of triumph over England’s tragedy of brash, inconsiderate youth. His disdain discharged, he was soon snoring loudly in the carriage’s sick-making warmth.

I glanced at an advert over her head, hoping to catch a good look at her face without being caught. She must have seen, and ducked back down to her reading. I moved my gaze to the paperback in her lap, which I decided, without a shred of evidence, must be Lolita, a book I’d read a bit of in the library. A young heartbreaker recognizing and admiring herself in a novel, seeing the potential of her power — perhaps as yet untested — over men expressed in words. I imagined her reviewing her own parade of Humberts, weighing them on the scales of benefit and bother and finding each in turn well short. Me, I fervently wished somebody — anybody! — would fancy me the way Humbert did Lo. Even if he was ancient and creepy.

She wasn’t much older than me, but despite the clear evidence that we were both young English females seated on a warm, close eastbound Tube in the late afternoon of the last day of March 1972, she might as well have been a member of a different species space-warped in from a far-off planet.

I felt a green pang that a girl could look so sharp. I would never have the nerve. Or the imagination. Clothes did nothing for me. The magical transformations from goose to swan that were always on offer in the shops and magazines never took when I tried the clobber on; rather than improve or disguise my shortcomings, clobber just hung on me, more shapeless box than clingy wrapper.

I reckoned this girl knew things. In my tatty brown jumper and blue denim flares, ripped plimsolls and khaki book bag, I was merely a bog-standard example of Teenasaurus Gawkus, a thawed-out fossil from the time before things got groovy. If only I’d got groovy along with them. She was strictly 20th century fox, all high style and frosty pose. I’ll be surprised if people like me aren’t soon shipped off to a desert island as a cosmetic contribution to London’s greater good. Perched on the sill separating supreme confidence from offensive arrogance, she looked like a preview of next year’s model, cool Britannia’s thrilling future. Maybe we would all be gorgeous, fearless, self-centered and proud someday, fitted with boss clobber, clear skin and Yankee teeth.

I bet she was a bit snobby, but then she probably had every right to be, fully deserving of unimaginable pleasures and comforts. Superiority is its own reward. Wish it now, have it tomorrow. And have it all the way, not some dodgy hire-purchase plan.

I spotted an older bloke who’d been staring at the same page of The Mirror so long that he had to be illiterate or asleep with his eyes open to a colored girl painting her eyelashes with a bristly brush (I would never dare that, I’d put an eye out) and then settled on a tourist family. The man had an A-Z in his hand and was squinting — holding his specs up over his eyes  —  at the map over the doors. I hope this is the right train. I can’t find Lie-chester Avenue on this damn map. The children were squirming and the mum exuded fatigue and misery. With a weary sigh she offered, I can take a look. I’m good at reading maps. The man’s retort was irritable and curt. No, you’re not.

The train slowed suddenly, causing the family to stumble, but to no serious harm. The parents looked concerned, as if it might happen again, but the boys began throwing themselves about and falling down for sport. The father grabbed the older one’s arm roughly and pulled him up, which set off an air raid siren of crying and wailing. I couldn’t watch anymore.

As we neared Leicester Square, the Americans began chattering excitedly but ultimately stayed put. The girl closed the book and closed her eyes with the grace of a curtain coming down on a play as the heat and the gentle rocking of the Underground worked its narcotic power.

...Cross, Metropolitan, Northern, Victoria, Circle Line, British Rail. The driver’s announcement jerked me back to consciousness. I looked at the door and then faded back to black. I still had a ways to go.

But the girl did not. Bloody hell, where are we? She was suddenly awake and seized with alarm. (So she could be rattled. Comforting to know.) She squinted at the window, her head pivoting quickly, her coolness well and truly gone. Is this Kings Cross? she said. "Oh, Christ!"

I suppose I could have just murmured yes, but that felt too wan, so inadequate to the drama of the moment. Yeah, it is, I said. She didn’t look in my direction, just pushed by the Yank family  —  who had decided to disembark, but were doing so with no great efficiency — and scrambled out the door. They followed, shouldering aside a woman attempting to board, who gave the man a haughty up-and-down and an indignant I beg your pardon. The book, which had been thrown from her lap, was abandoned to the floor near my feet. I reached down to pick it up, thinking I might be able to catch up and return it to her, but my sack fell off my lap in the process; I got myself in a tangle on the floor and was sitting stupidly on my arse as the train doors closed. By the time I had the book in hand (it was not Lolita after all, but something called A Separate Reality), I glanced up at an open window, thinking I might still have the chance to be a good Samaritan with a quick pitch, but it was beyond my athletic abilities and sure to brain someone if I’d given it a go. Plus she was nowhere in sight.

The same was not true of her bag, which I now saw was also on the floor of the carriage. As the train rattled out of the station and into the dimly lit tunnel, I flashed on a family memory. I’d got separated from my dad once when I was little: we were coming back from Wimbledon, where he’d gone to see a man about a dog (his words, not mine) and taken me along because Mum was out for the evening and he was in charge of me. Coming back, we ran for a train at Tooting Broadway that would have had us home in enough time to support the fib he was going to tell her. He could’ve been thinking of her, or of the £10 he’d lost, but he clearly wasn’t thinking about me, lagging behind, unable to keep up with those long legs of his. Without turning to check on my proximity, he jumped into the last carriage, just ahead of the closing doors. Once inside, he turned around to see me, still on the platform, hands on knees, staring in terror as the brakes hissed in preparation of departure. He yelled through the glass for me to take the next train and he’d wait for me at Victoria. (Do I need to mention that he had the tickets and I had all of tuppence in my pocket?)

I hoped the girl would think the same thing. I leaped up and I raised a finger to signal that I would get off at the next stop  —  as if there was the faintest chance my digit would convey any of that to a girl’s disappearing back. I must've looked a right nit. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. It was at least a shot. I tried to imagine what she would do when she realized her loss, but found myself incapable of guessing what sort of thoughts she might entertain.

Glancing at a sign warning about suspicious packages, I reached for the bag as if it were mine, and when the train stopped at Caledonian Road, I shouldered it and strolled off like nothing was out of order.

I found a bench and waited, but there were no trains, not a single one. Something was poxy with the Underground as usual. I spent the change in my pocket on a Cadbury Fruit and Nut, which passed the time and gave me a headache. I probably should have found an official somebody and handed the bag over for conveyance to the lost property office. But I didn’t. Chalk it up to curiosity, or — if the lie I told myself were true — the belief that I’d be able to locate her quicker and return it, while the city berks would just park it on a shelf and wait for her to come calling. But how would she know to look there? I finally pulled the bag up over my shoulder and sauntered onto the next train, as calm and casual as you please. No one had to know what I was doing. I was just heading home.

CHAPTER 4 / In the Bag

DAD WAS PEERING FROM behind the net curtains by the door as I came up the walk. If he’d seen me, I’d probably have to explain the mystery bag. He wasn’t always on high alert, but he had a good working knowledge of what I had, and I certainly hadn’t left the house with two bags. I had a story mostly sorted before I put the key in the lock.

Hello, love. Something was wrong, but my course was set so I leaped right in without waiting.

Dad, see, there was this girl at school...

But he wasn’t interested in any of that and cut me off before I could get the fable told.

I’m glad you’re home. You’re late, and I was getting a bit anxious. He glanced around, as if he needed a cue for what was coming next. I shrugged.

Right, we’ve got to get to Dagenham and see your aunt Ruth. She’s had a fall, and she’s in hospital. I don’t know how serious it is, but we’ve got to go and see what she needs. I’ve packed a bag for you and put it in the car, so we’re off. Do you need the loo or a cuppa?

No, I’m alright, dad. Just let me... I nodded at the bags in my hand and rushed down the hall. I did a quick check of the bag he’d packed; there was no telling what he reckoned a teenager needed for hasty travel.

I dig Aunt Ruth. Actually, she’s more like my nan, ’cause she’s old. She’s really Mum’s aunt, and the one East Ender in the family, a real character. She talks like Alf Garnett on Til Death Us Do Part, she does.

I put my school bag on the bed and chucked the red one into my wardrobe, next to my shoes. I was dead keen to see what was in it, to figure out how to reunite it with that girl, but that would have to wait. I pulled open the bag he’d packed and added a few girl things he’d neglected. Then I changed into a warmer shirt and grabbed a heavier jacket. Dad hadn’t said how long we’d be gone.

"Laila, come on!"

Laila. That’s me. My dad gave me that name because I was born the day after the Russkies shot a dog into space. He was fired up about the CND that year, and I guess he thought it would be cool to show solidarity with the Soviets and their space stuff, even though we were worried about them starting World War III with the Americans. Y’know what? He could have just bought a badge. Or sent a pound note to Moscow.

He and Mum had a loose-bowled beagle they named Lenin, but he didn’t have the bottle to use the name in public, so he told people the dog’s name was Lassie — like a good American (or a Scot, I suppose, although it was a boy)  —  and only called him Lenin at home when no one else was around. I swear that mutt must have got a complex from all the confusion. I guess it never crossed dad’s mind that people would assume he meant the Beatle, not the Commie. Too literal by half.

Although that should have satisfied his red sympathies, when I came along he had another bright idea. It was either fear or species loyalty — I doubt it involved any consideration of my future feelings in the matter — that caused her to shift the spelling to make the tribute less obviously canine and less obviously Russian. Thank god for that. Y’know what laika means in Russian? Barker! That would have been truly wonderful, wouldn’t it? Sometimes I think he wouldn’t have much minded if I did have four legs and a tail. (Or if I was a German camera — I considered that possibility once but he swears no.) And the worst of it? He never bothered to tell me that the poor mutt, sent from Russia without much love it seems, never made it back from her space adventure. That bit I had to learn for myself.

Turned out one random shitter was all they could handle, so they sent the pooch away to live with Aunt Ruth, who called him Winston. (There are times when I wished they’d packed me off and kept the dog.) She saw him through a sudden decline and death when I was four or five. I doubt Mum was too upset about that, but dad talks wistfully about good old whatsisname to this day.

I’d like to believe that Mum wouldn’t have been keen to name me after a dead red stray, but then she must have been knackered after 20 hours of labour, and as I understand it in the telling, dad was too excited to consider her feelings more than I’ve already described. I’ve always imagined that if he were the one flat on his back with the stuffing kicked out of him, she would have given me a regular name: Josephine or Helen or Margaret. Or not. For a quiet, gentle kind of bloke, he never paid her much mind when it came to things other dads would reckon were too important to decide without a proper family chinwag. So Laila it was. Imagine if he’d got it in his head to name me Muttnik like they did in the papers I once looked up in the library.

Lucky for me, the kids in school aren’t much bothered about the space race, and my teachers haven’t spent much time talking about it. We’re all happy to leave all that space stuff to the Yanks. Ever since that stupid record came out last year, kids in class have been calling me Lay-la and winding me up with dramatic readings of that stupid line: You’ve got me on my knees. Thanks, Eric. I could have done without that.

Mum always called me Bunny. I liked that. But then she went and died. That got his full attention. And so from the time I was seven I’ve been the center of it, although most of the time I do the looking after. After she died, things went off for him and he’s never been quite right since. The dole pays our rent and puts food on our table, allowing him to mope around the house and pretend to be busy.

His name’s Cliff, like the singer. Dunno which one’s older, so that could be who he was named after. Or, if not, then someone else entirely. Mum, Catherine, called him Chives. I’ve no idea why. I love him and all, but even I have to admit he's kind of a shite father. Not the truly terrible kind that winds up in nick or on the cover of the Mirror sporting three days of stubble, a bloody nose and a torn shirt, with six little buggers in filthy rags pulling at his trousers — he's not a serious drunk or a drug-taker, and he's never raised a hand to me — but I think he signed on to parenthood expecting Mum to handle the details, not get hit by a motorcycle. Her dying didn't instantly turn him into a model parent the way my being born did her. In his telling, which is all I have to go by, this 22-year-old (well, all but 22 — I was born the day before her birthday, and she once called me her early present, I liked that) superwoman brought me home from the hospital, had a cuppa and a kip and had the whole business of motherhood sorted by the time the sun came up.

I’m tall for my age, and I’ve been told I’ve got a good figure. People always take me for older than I am, and I can see it in on the other girls in my form. They’re less developed. Some don’t have any curves at all — from the back they could be boys. I could probably afford to lose a half a stone; I’ll have to see about that.

There are a few total slags in school, but it’s hard to be jealous — they’ll be pushing prams and wiping snot soon enough, and who in god’s name would want that? Boys in class say stupid stuff, and clutch their hands out toward my chest like they’re mongs, but other than my monthly visit, I don’t get what any of it is for. I doubt they do either. If they really want to squeeze something, the corner shop is open ’til half six. I don’t see the point. I’ve tried it on myself, and it feels ridiculous.

If we had a proper mirror in the flat I might be tempted to take a good look at myself, but all I can do is look down, over the hills and far away, as it were. I’m growing hair down there, wispy brown curls that turn up like eyelashes. Can’t see much beyond that.

I might be something if only I had the bottle — and, I guess, the brains and the cash — to present myself better. Dad thinks I take after Mum, but I can't see it in the pictures we have. She's awfully pretty. He’s more funny-faced, but handsome in a way. Still, the features he gave me don't exactly do me favors. My nose is too small. And my eyes are big and a bit far apart. In the mirror I might have just caught a fright. When I get in a state my face twitches like a rabbit, nose jumping up and down, mouth dancing to the left  —  hence my mom’s pet name.

Face your fears, bunny. That was the last thing Mum said to me. Leastways, I think it was — I wasn’t keeping track of everything she said on the off chance she might be about to die. It’s possible she might have told me something else after that. I prefer to recall her parting shot to me as a dose of useful maternal wisdom, not a trivial remark about the weather or a scolding about dirty fingernails.

"Crackers, Laila, get a move on!" From the tone and volume of his voice, I guessed I had about two more minutes to get it together and fly down the stairs in time to prevent the local version of a nuclear meltdown. I reckoned it was 50-50 that we’d