The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong

By A. J. Adams

Service workers share their funniest and most cringeworthy stories of difficult, demanding, and just plain mind-boggling encounters with the public . . .

“Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 ounces in your carry-on. If you’d like to, you could—”

“But that’s not a liquid!”

“Excuse me, ma’am?”

“It’s not a liquid! It’s water!”

Retailers, restaurants, and tech support providers believe service is king, but in The Customer Is Not Always Right, A.J. Adams proves that customers will do anything they can to put that motto to the test.

Enjoy tales from the creator of the popular website Not Always Right, including half that are previously unpublished, showcasing customer-relations horror stories everyone can relate to. No matter what side of the counter you’re on, there are hilarious accounts about everything that can go wrong between the customer and retail or service provider. Whether it's a confrontation in the drive-through over not enough fries or arguing over a one-cent price difference on milk, this book proves the principle of “the customer is always right” can be dead wrong.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Dec 22, 2009
• ISBN: 9780740797798

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

It’s worshipped by customers, enshrined in corporate dogma, and often reviled by employees. You, me, and everyone who has ever purchased a product or utilized a service has heard and probably used it: The customer is always right.

However, let’s get one thing straight: While the employee is NOT always right, neither is the customer. I’ve found that bad behavior and craziness are wonderful equalizers, as they care not for your race, your gender, your beliefs, or your job. People will find a way to be a pain in the neck, regardless of what side of the cash register they’re standing on.

That being said, while complaining about bad employees is a revered institution, complaining about bad customers is almost a taboo subject—something I learned many moons ago, working in restaurants, bookstores, coffee shops, and in Web design.

After dealing with one too many crazy customers, I decided to level the playing field and offer a way for beleaguered employees to share their stories. NotAlwaysRight.com was therefore created as a place not so much to demonize customers, but to give retail, service, and other public-facing employees a chance to share their side of the story.

What I didn’t expect was just how many of you there were. From all walks of life-from grocery store clerks and cops to tech-support staff and librarians—you came forward with your own often frustrating and always entertaining encounters.

In fact, you’ve submitted (and continue to submit) so many stories that the Not Always Right editors and I have a backlog that now numbers in the thousands. This book is therefore an attempt to whittle down that number with 100 of our absolute best stories; as a small bonus and a token of our appreciation, you’ll also find over 100 never-before-seen stories.

Without your support, Not Always Right would not be anywhere as popular as it is today; I therefore hope you enjoy this book as much as we have enjoyed reading your stories!

Sincerely,

A. J. Adams and the editors at NotAlwaysRight.com

A HEADY PROPOSITION

RETAIL | PENNSYLVANIA

CUSTOMER: I have a big problem. You cut off my head!

ME: I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

ME: Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.

CUSTOMER: No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!

ME: Okay, let me see your memory card …

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

ME: Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.

CUSTOMER: But it’s DIGITAL; can’t you fix it?

ME: You can’t create something from nothing.

CUSTOMER: But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating Web site!

ME: Give me the camera and go stand over there.

CUSTOMER: *excited* Hot d***! You can be my best man!

ME: A thank-you card will be enough.

(Skip ahead nine months…)

FEMALE CUSTOMER: IS your name ***?

ME: Yes, can I help you?

FEMALE CUSTOMER: My husband wanted you to have this. *hands me an envelope*

(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank-you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

SUDDENLY, I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR HER CHILD

RETAIL | COLORADO

WOMAN: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

ME: Okay, I’ll get someone right away.

(I call in a code yellow.)

ME: Okay, how old is your child?

WOMAN: She just turned three. Ooohhh, what if she’s been kidnapped?

ME: Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s not the case.

(Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

SECURITY: Ma’am, how many children do you have?

WOMAN: Just one, why?

SECURITY: Because your child is on your back.

(She is wearing one of those harnesses.)

BUBBLE GUM OR FIERY DEMONS, YOUR PICK

RETAIL | FLORIDA

ME: All right, ma’am, your total comes to $6.66.

CUSTOMER: *blinks, gasps* EEEAHHH! AHHH!

ME: Ma’am? Ma’am, are you all right?

CUSTOMER: Ahhhh! *flails her hands*

ME: Ma’am, calm down, please!

(The customer closes her mouth and paces in front of the register. You can still hear squealing in the back of her throat.)

ANOTHER CUSTOMER: Just buy gum or something!

WATER YOU, STUPID?

AIRPORT | KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI

(While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 ounces.)

ME: Whose bag is this?

PASSENGER: Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?

ME: I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.

PASSENGER: Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.

(I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

ME: Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.

PASSENGER: Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!

ME: Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 ounces in your carry-on. If you’d like to, you could—

PASSENGER: But that’s not a liquid!

ME: Excuse me, ma’am?

PASSENGER: It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?

WHY CATCH-22 NEEDS TO BE REQUIRED READING

TECH SUPPORT | CALIFORNIA

CUSTOMER: I bought a computer from you guys not three weeks ago, and my Internet isn’t working.

ME: Well, the computer itself seems to be operating perfectly …

CUSTOMER: It is NOT working perfectly. I cannot get on the Internet.

ME: I understand that; I just mean while the Internet itself isn’t working, your computer is functioning properly.

CUSTOMER: My computer is worthless without Internet.

(Company policy is to direct her to her ISP for further assistance. So I try to get that info from her so I can give her a proper phone number.)

CUSTOMER: Why don’t you just fix it?

ME: I’ve run out of things we can try.

CUSTOMER: What is the ISP going to do?

ME: They’ll walk you through a few things or at least tell you if there is an outage or other problems in your area.

CUSTOMER: I bought this computer from YOU and YOU should be the ones fixing it.

ME: It’s not the computer, it’s the Internet. Unfortunately we’re not your Internet provider. There’s really nothing more I can do for you.

CUSTOMER: How much do you charge for Internet?

ME: We do not sell Internet.

CUSTOMER: Than who do I buy my Internet from?

ME: I don’t know. Verizon, perhaps?

CUSTOMER: I suppose I should order some Internet.

ME: You haven’t even signed up for it yet!?

CUSTOMER: I wanted to do it on the Internet.

ME: *head explodes*

A COMICALLY BAD PROPOSAL

COMIC BOOK STORE | FLORIDA

(I work in my friend’s comic store on the weekends to help him out. I occasionally get strange looks as the only female employee. One day, a customer leans up against the counter holding several X-Men comics.)

CUSTOMER: Hey.

ME: Hi there, what can I help you with?

CUSTOMER: Well, it’s just, you’re a girl.

ME: Yup, can I help you with something?

CUSTOMER: I doubt it. Is there another guy here?

ME: No, sorry, it’s just me right now.

CUSTOMER: Then how am I supposed to get my question answered?

ME: By asking?

CUSTOMER: But you’re a girl.

ME: Yeah, so?

CUSTOMER: You just wouldn’t understand.

ME: *mock surprise* Really? What wouldn’t I understand?

CUSTOMER: No, no, I meant no offense. It’s just, girls don’t know about this kind of stuff. I mean, it’s not your fault you just don’t know about this kind of stuff. It’s just man’s stuff.

ME: Why don’t you just ask your question and we’ll see, hmm?

CUSTOMER: Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a waste of time. What’s the very first issue that introduces Nightcrawler? I can’t find it.

ME: Oh, that’s no problem. It’s right over here. We also carry the Nightcrawler comic line as well if you’re interested.

CUSTOMER: But… you’re a girl! How do you even know who Nightcrawler is?!

ME: Yes, sir, I am. I know because he’s my favorite character. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?

CUSTOMER: Would you marry me?

ME: Uh … no.

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL

RESTAURANT | FLORIDA

YOUNG GIRL, MAYBE SIX: Hi, I need a table for four, please.

ME: Sure, what’s your name?

GIRL: *screaming* STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

(The mom, dad, and little brother enter the restaurant while she’s screaming.)

MOM: What’s wrong? What happened?

YOUNG GIRL: The lady wanted to know my name!

MOM: Honey, that’s so she can tell you when the table is ready.

YOUNG GIRL: Oh …

BABY GOT BACKED UP

COLLEGE | OHIO

(I’m working at the front desk of a dorm when two drunk freshmen, a guy and a girl, approach me. The guy is laughing but the girl is the complete opposite, sobbing uncontrollably.)

ME: How can I help you? Is everything all right?

GIRL: I just wanted to know if you could … *continues sobbing*

(It continues like this for a minute or two, but I finally gather that the girl lost her phone.)

ME: "Okay, I can help you find it. Where did you last