Success Without School: Unschooling my children from birth to college

By Jean Proffitt Nunnally

Consequences of the ongoing pandemic have seriously affected educational systems in the U.S. and around the world. School closures and the opportunities or nightmares of remote learning have caused many parents to reconsider options for schooling their children. Alternatives to going back to conventional school are currently hot topics, strongly motivated by growing racism and the social bullying that confront many youngsters and teens in today’s school environment. (New Yorker Magazine, June 21, 2021, "The Rise of Black Homeschooling.")

Jean Nunnally’s memoir of her trials and triumphs in unschooling her two children from birth to college provides an enlightening insight into the innate learning ability of humans, showing how self-esteem, trust and personal responsibility were preserved and strengthened for herself and her kids. "Unschooling," the author says, "is the way we have learned throughout time and the way adults learn when they are free to pursue their interests."

Her book gives an overview of unschooling or self-directed learning, but so much more. Jean not only did the work, but her son and daughter are proof that unschooling works. They were each accepted in and graduated from prestigious U.S. colleges and testify, in personal reflections at the end of the narrative, to the happiness and fulfillment of their elementary and high school years following their passions, their hobbies, their music, their dreams, often in stark contrast to the struggles with traditional forms their peers were required to submit to.

Those unfamiliar with this unique educational approach, a subset of homeschooling, often argue from misunderstandings of the process. “What about socializing with their peers?” “Do I have to be a trained teacher?” they ask. Success Without School offers Nunnally’s disputation of these and other popular myths surrounding the subject.

Along the way, Jean Nunnally points out aspects of her own transformation from a traditional background and a corporate career to the lesser traveled path of alternative education. She explains how her view of school changed, and changed her, as she proceeded to unschool her children. She leaves the reader with an encouraging description of the three jobs of an unschooling parent―exposure, facilitation, and modeling; and offers her unique approach to preparing an unschooled teen for college, and the specific challenges that required.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kalindi Press
• Release date: Apr 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9781935826576

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Iwas excited about Carson’s first day of school. I was also a little sad. My firstborn was venturing off to experience new classes, new teachers, and new friends. I would miss having her around the house every day. It would be so different with just her younger brother Christian at home. And what about her? What would school be like for her? Would she be nervous? Would she like the other kids?

The preparations kept me busy. There were supplies to shop for. Notebooks, pencils, a backpack, and a water bottle. New clothes and shoes. Jackets, boots, and maybe a hat and gloves for cold weather. She’d also need sheets, towels, and a fridge. And then we’d have to pack everything into our SUV for the day’s drive to move her into the dorm.

My baby girl was eighteen and her first day of school would be as a freshman at Vanderbilt University, a thousand miles away from our home in Houston, Texas. Up to this point, Carson had been unschooled, a little-known type of homeschooling that allowed her to direct her own education without an imposed curriculum.

Unschooled, yet far from uneducated, Carson is very social. An avid reader since the age of six, she is also an accomplished violinist. She carries confidence and a perky enthusiasm into every room and was as eager to learn as a teenager as she had been as a toddler. Her brother Christian is independent and resourceful, with a penchant for building inventive projects—from roller coasters to fireworks. Both of them have many longtime friends and make new ones easily. I am pleased with the kind, self-aware, and self-motivated people they have become. Their intact curiosity and freshness make me particularly proud. I worked hard to protect these traits by allowing them the freedom to self-direct their days and activities. Along with their happiness, I consider these far better measures of success than any grade or test score.

Carson loved her years at Vanderbilt and navigated the structure of classes and campus life with ease. She graduated with a Communications Studies degree and a double minor in Corporate Strategy and Violin Performance. She accomplished this in four years despite a change of majors and no Advanced Placement (AP) credits going in. Her adventures beyond the classroom included a three-week course in China, a spring break of volunteering, and off-campus classes in yoga and hip-hop. She worked both on- and off-campus and was president of her music sorority during her senior year. To top it off, she was hired in her desired field of advertising a few weeks before graduation.

Two years younger, Christian graduated from his first-choice school, Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology. Rose-Hulman has been the number one undergraduate engineering school for over twenty-two years and is known for its rigorous courses. Christian loved it from his first visit and never looked back. He easily adapted to the classes and earned a double major in Computer Science and Software Engineering, as well as a double minor in Math and Psychology. He also worked as a freshman advisor during his sophomore year and helped design Rose-Hulman’s vehicle entry for Shell’s global eco-challenge competition. Planting seeds and tending vegetables with the gardening club, some of which were purchased by the school’s dining services, rounded out his time on campus. During the summers, he interned with a global technology company that hired him as a software engineer upon graduation.

I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been raised in an environment where I was treated fairly and given the time, space, and resources to grow at my own pace.

—Christian

Like most siblings, my children have similarities and differences. While Carson’s calendar is neatly color-coded and filled out weeks in advance, Christian keeps a high-level plan in his head, preferring to stay loose with details so that the structure doesn’t become overcomplicated. Carson is musical, writes poetry, and loves drawing and painting, while Christian spends hours troubleshooting computer code for an electronic color organ he created—a light device that responds to music inputs.

Both kids are social and engaging, and both are fully comfortable being alone. They are financially independent and have active social lives and meaningful relationships with friends and significant others. Both practice healthy habits that enhance their well-being and pursue activities they love and are curious about. In short, for us, they are dream kids.

Two kids who grew into happy, competent adults without compulsory school aren’t exactly front-page news. But maybe they should be. We are a conventional family—a mom, a dad, and two kids—who followed a very unconventional educational path. What’s most surprising about our story isn’t that we homeschooled, but that we unschooled. Carson and Christian were given the freedom to control what, when, and how they learned. They had time to play and imagine, explore and discover. They grew up understanding that they always had choices, along with an associated responsibility for those choices. They were allowed to come to skills in a natural way, without being told what to study and without being tested. At every point in their lives, they were allowed the choice of their actions, free to start, stop, or change. They did this while eagerly following their interests, empowered to listen to their inner guidance and wisdom."

Growing up, I was largely unaware how different my life was from most kids. The more time that passes, the more radical my upbringing seems and the more fortunate I feel to have had it.

—Carson

This is the story of two kids who were successfully unschooled from birth to college. It’s also my story as their mother and guide. I hope our journey will encourage parents who are considering alternatives to conventional school for their children. I hope to show that it’s not only possible to successfully raise children outside of school, but that relationships and emotional health are protected and enhanced along the way.

UNSCHOOLING

I love the impact of the word unschooling. It’s evocative. I want this word to spark questions and trigger conversations about conventional ideas of education, and even how we regard children in general.

By sharing my experience, I want to show that the seemingly radical option of allowing children to learn freely is neither far-fetched nor neglectful, but actually efficient and effective. I want to empower parents who sense that traditional education is not the best fit for their child. I want to support and encourage families who are already unschooling, as well as those exploring the idea.

Every family should have the right to determine the educational path that best suits them. Whether children attend conventional or alternative schools is a personal matter, but to choose effectively, parents need to be fully informed of their options. Unschooling can’t be considered if they don’t know about it.

This book is NOT an unschooling how-to manual. It’s the story of my path—my ups, downs, doubts, and triumphs along the way. My story is unique. I don’t speak for other unschoolers. Each family who follows this philosophy does so in different ways, for different reasons, and from different backgrounds. As with any parenting or educational approach, your mileage may vary. My goal is to share information and encourage informed choice.

People allowed to freely follow their interests can achieve exceptional results. How might the world be different if someone had compelled Beethoven or Mozart to stop spending so much time on their music and tend to their other subjects? If school had forced the Wright brothers to stop tinkering and finish those essays? Or if Steve Jobs had been kept from the garage to raise his grade point average? Without the musical, engineering, and technological achievements of these geniuses, our lives would be diminished. We consider their works to be invaluable.

While these people are famous for their talents, every person’s unique skills have the potential for brilliance. Genius is subjective and diverse. It exists in fields that aren’t taught in school, and in fields that don’t yet formally exist. Unschooling works for a wide variety of personalities. It can meet the needs of kids whose interests fall outside the usual academic subjects as well as effectively prepare them for a college degree if that is desired.

Allowing children to follow their interests and develop their passions is not just a humane thing to do, it is in the world’s best interest. When allowed to sprout, grow, and bloom, each child holds a piece of our collective progress. Our job is to protect and nurture their energy and potential. When children feel that their abilities are honored and are clear about their responsibility for their own choices, I believe we can trust them to make good decisions.

ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF UNSCHOOLING

For many families, conventional school ticks all the necessary boxes. It provides a safe place for children while their parents are at work. It provides learning resources such as labs, books, and computers. Schools take on the job of hiring and managing teachers and delivering courses and other resources. Many schools offer field trips and opportunities for orchestra, band, and choir groups. Student athletes have access to team competitions and training. The community provides relationship opportunities and the comfort of a shared purpose.

On the other hand, there are some trade-offs. Not all kids fit in or thrive in a traditional setting. Those who are painfully shy or have different learning styles may find conventional school overwhelming and exhausting. Parents and children have no control over the curriculum and are at the mercy of the teachers assigned to them—whether they are a good or poor fit for the child. Class size can impact effective individual attention. Pressure to follow and conform to school standards undermines independent thinking and experimentation, and the failures that are an integral part of natural learning are sometimes discouraged or even punished. The focus on testing and grades is linked to shallow thinking and low rates of retention.¹ Anxiety about test scores and grade pressure is an ever-increasing problem and is considered a health epidemic in today’s youth.² Most of the school day is structured, leaving minimal time for free play, an issue that can decrease executive functions such as working memory, impulse control, and goal setting.³ After-school hours are consumed by homework assignments that can further increase stress and anxiety, while leaving less time for extracurricular activities that promote fitness or nonacademic skills.⁴ School calendars make spontaneous travel or travel during less expensive times difficult, with even planned family trips sometimes requiring approval and/or make-up work for missed assignments.

Of course, there are pluses and minuses to unschooling as well. On the minus side, its unconventional nature requires a commitment by parents to understand the philosophy and to provide time and attention to the child and the process. An unschooling parent has the responsibility and the challenge of exposing their children to a broad view of people, places, and things, and facilitating exploration of resources and activities that encourage discovery and learning. They have the primary job of observing their children and understanding their abilities, inclinations, strengths, and talents. These responsibilities can seem overwhelming at times. Even though there is a wealth of information on child development and behavior available, it can be daunting to filter and digest while in the throes of parenting. Then there’s the issue of socialization. Like all children, unschoolers benefit from social interaction with others. The onus is on the parents to provide opportunities for their kids to meet and develop relationships that are positive and respectful. If a local homeschooling or unschooling community doesn’t already exist, parents might need to establish one of their own. Finally, making time for necessary self-care in the midst of constant togetherness can be a struggle for the parents of unschoolers.

On the plus side, unschoolers have complete control over their learning environment and abundant opportunities for exposure and exploration. Besides the endless internet resources, there are community resources such as libraries, museums, parks, nature centers, and the zoo. Not only are these free or inexpensive, but flexible schedules mean that visits can be arranged at less crowded times for deeper, more meaningful exploration. Children have easy access to parents and the freedom to ask unique and spur of the moment questions that contextualize learning, making it more efficient. Flexible schedules also allow for more affordable travel, which can enhance cultural, geographical, and historical discoveries. Team sports can be accessed through community teams or organized by homeschooling groups. To facilitate social networks, home-educating groups can be found locally or online. These groups connect families looking for friends and support, as well as provide numbers for group activities. My support network started with mothers I met through La Leche League (LLL). From there, a local homeschooling organization connected me with a handful of families, a core group that eventually grew to roughly a dozen families with kids of varying ages. They provided encouragement and inspiration for me and were a key part of our success.

The independence of choosing how time is spent connects actions with responsibility, providing valuable training for responsible adulthood.

—Jean

I found the advantages of unschooling to be both subtle and profound. Because it is driven from an internal desire, self-directed learning is deeper, more effective, and more efficient. The independence of choosing how time is spent connects actions with responsibility, providing valuable training for responsible adulthood. Executive functions such as creativity, innovative thinking, reasoning, and social and verbal skills are enhanced through ample unstructured time. There is greater ability to focus since kids haven’t been sitting still for long periods doing unwanted exercises. Social play unfolds in relaxed settings and relationships aren’t limited to same-age peers but are extended to anyone sharing common interests. There is less peer pressure to be cool and a greater likelihood of having fun engaging in simple games with bare feet.

Since unschoolers believe that children teach themselves and that play is where a great deal of growth takes place, there isn’t a requirement for structured or controlled lessons. Play is very undervalued in our culture. It’s the work of childhood, as Jean Piaget famously said, the way kids learn to creatively solve problems and practice physical and social skills. Playing as much as possible during childhood is a good thing.

My kids and the other homeschoolers we hung out with were happy—joyful even—the vast majority of time. It wasn’t a manic happiness, more a relaxed contentment, a result of choosing what they were doing most of the time. It was also a reflection of an assurance that they were listened to and respected as people, rather than spending the majority of their day following the direction of teachers. The natural delight on the faces of our kids playing tag in the front yard continually struck us mothers as a significant contrast to kids sitting in a classroom at that very moment trying to focus on material deemed important by a curriculum designer; kids who might be bored, impatient, or gazing longingly out the classroom window, if there was one, wishing they had this sort of freedom to run and play. Joy as a measure of success may seem trite or simple, but I consider it the ultimate goal. Happy children tend to grow into healthy, successful adults with fulfilling relationships, adults who capably manage challenges and are resilient, creative, and generous. Joyful people are just plain nice to be around.

The nonjudgmental nature of unschooling appealed to me as a way to encourage my children’s inner voice. I wanted to preserve and protect that precious asset. I didn’t want my children to grow up like me: addicted to approval from others. The formative years I spent in school trained me to be obedient rather than to think independently. My self-esteem was tied to doing well in school. Grades and test scores were my primary goals because they were rewarded. I became highly skilled at making As and pleasing my teachers. No one cared how much I learned, only what I scored. We were told what to think, how to think, even when to eat and when we could go to the bathroom. We were not encouraged to think outside the box or to ask random questions, but to follow the plan set before us by experts. As a result, I am still uncovering my inner voice and learning to trust it for answers.

The benefits of unschooling only increased over time. I could see what a difference it made when learning wasn’t weighed down by requirements and expectations but enjoyed for the fun of it. Carson and Christian were confident and eager to explore. The novelty of discovery didn’t wane for them. They were self-motivated and learned easily in the most natural way. They were just as excited to dive into the occasional math workbook as they were to play with their friends or visit the science museum. They viewed the world as bright and shiny, with more avenues to explore than there were hours in the day.

School became the last place I wanted my children to be. Not only was I happy to avoid bullies, bureaucratic red tape, commuting, and packing a lunch every day, I was especially grateful to be with my children each time a school locked down due to a storm, an industrial accident, or a shooting. I didn’t want to imagine being separated from them in such a stressful situation, unable to comfort them or be assured of their safety. The morning I watched the September 11th disaster unfold; I was grateful to have the kids innocently playing in the next room. As the twin towers I had once been inside crumbled into clouds of dust and debris, my instinct was to gather everyone I cared about and loved close, or to at least touch base if they were far away. I hugged the kids so many times that day. My need to physically embrace them was both urgent and comforting. It was reassuring knowing we would be together even in a worst-case scenario.

HOW UNSCHOOLING CHANGED ME

My primary goals for my children were the same as other parents: financial and emotional independence; good health; loving relationships; happiness; and a fulfilling sense of purpose. However, my strategies to get there were unconventional. Instead of sending them to school to answer questions asked by others, I wanted them to seek answers to their own questions, freely following their hearts and minds. I wanted to preserve their freshness, their eagerness.