12 Steps to Overcome People Pleasing: One woman's journey of awakening to find peace, using practical tools to become her true self

By Trina Stutzman

12 Steps to Overcome People Pleasing shares the journey of Holistic Life Coach Trina Stutzman, who has lived a perfectly imperfect life. She is not a guru on a mountaintop but a guide by your side, empowering you to find your voice and have the courage to be unapologetically yourself.

In Trina's book, you will discover the wisdom

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bright Communications LLC
• Release date: Jan 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781952481406

Trina Stutzman

Trina Stutzman is passionate about empowering individuals to live intentionally by choosing who they want to become. She is a sought-after life coach, author, and speaker. She holds credentials through the International Coaching Federation and is a lay minister through Stephen Ministries. She holds a certificate in Family Business Advising through the Family Firm Institute and is a Reiki Master.With 20 years coaching experience in various fields, Trina combines her passions and expertise and helps individuals take stock of all the roles they are playing in their lives and get to the root of who they truly are: powerful and limitless. When Trina is not nurturing others, she can be found living the life she loves and spending time with her four grown children, in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Hi, my name is Trina, and I am a recovering people pleaser. My drug of choice was obsessing over others. I thought it was normal. I thought it was what I should do. It seemed admirable to try to help, fix, and save others. My counselor defined addiction as, despite the consequences, one continues to make the choice. Despite the soul-killing consequences, I still made the choice to value, honor, and love others more than myself.

This is my soul-awakening story. To awaken is to realize something. I realized at my core I was afraid. I was scared to be alone, unwanted, and rejected. People pleasing was a coping mechanism. It is how I hid and protected myself. I share my story in hopes to normalize fear. Fear distorts things, but there is another way to live.

A Chinese proverb says, The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. A journey of awakening begins with the awareness that you may be betraying yourself by pleasing people. It can be challenging work to unearth your true self under the layers of life. It is challenging but important work. It is so important that in the holy scriptures, the greatest commandments are to love God and love others AS ourselves. It wasn’t until I was an adult, after years of religious training in a strict community, that I noticed that small word AS.

20 Characteristics of a People Pleaser

✳ Overly accommodating

✳ Walks on eggshells around others

✳ Plays the martyr

✳ Feels like you never get to do what you want

✳ Obsesses about others

✳ Agitated thinking

✳ Neglectful

✳ Passive-aggressive

✳ Avoids conflict

✳ Over gives

✳ Others tell you that you are too sensitive

✳ Overthinks

✳ Judgmental

✳ Has high expectations for self and others

✳ Afraid to speak freely

✳ Feels stuck

✳ Thinks everyone knows better

✳ Feels like no one ever listens

✳ Needs validation

✳ Avoids appearing needy

To overcome people pleasing is to acknowledge we have not loved ourselves as much as we have loved others. I am not talking about the stuck-up kind of love. The love I am talking about is when we honor, respect, and value ourselves as much as we do others.

What if our only purpose in this lifetime is to heal from people pleasing? another recovering people-pleasing friend asked. As we talked, we imagined what would be possible in our lives if we were more loving, kind, and compassionate toward ourselves.

This is a book about peace. Peace with myself. Peace with others. Peace with God. Along with peace, this book is about courage—the courage to accept ourselves and the person we were created to be.

For most of my life, I held to the belief that others were more important or valuable than I was. I was taught to put others first.

In 8th grade, I read a poem that made a big impression on me. It is called How to Be Perfectly Miserable. The first two lines are: Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. I desired to be a good Christian. I worked hard to avoid rocking the boat. I didn’t want to cause any storms, for fear I’d be judged for doing something wrong, being bad, or not being a good enough Christian. I wanted to be good, and so I took this poem to heart. I didn’t want to be miserable, so in my undeveloped mind I reasoned, It is better to give than to receive.

I don’t disagree with serving and honoring others, but my giving to others was unhealthy and manipulative. I unconsciously kept people happy in order to have my needs for love and belonging met. I believed the lie that if I pleased others, my relationships would be better.

I hope that by sharing my story, you will feel less alone in your journey of healing. I have included excerpts from my journals and at the end of each chapter a Freedom Toolkit to help you break free from your people-pleasing habits, as well as poems I call Heartplay. My healing journey is the hope I offer to you. I hope you see your story more clearly because your story matters. You matter. The world needs the true, magnificent you.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’"

—C.S. Lewis

STEP 1

Let that Should (S*#t) Go

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.

—Andre Gide

It was a windy day in March. I went to visit my 99-year-old grandmother. Sadly, days prior to my visit, she was diagnosed with cancer. Selfishly, I wanted her to live to attend a birthday bash we planned for her 100th birthday.

When I was getting dressed that morning, I looked in my closet and had a dialogue with myself about what I should wear to go see my beloved grandmother, perhaps seeing her for the last time. I was aware that my choice of clothing shouldn’t matter, but I was even more aware that it did.