Collected Comedy of TS Caladan

By DH Jetson

DH Jetson, formerly TS Caladan & Doug Yurchey, was always funny. Researcher of ancient mysteries, astronomer, conspiracy theorist, artist, philosopher, thinker and now his ‘Collected Comedy’ proves that the man’s been a talented comic all this time. His true stories are true & unbelievable. We get a rare look into a rare man that no one understands and who is different.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TWB Press
• Release date: Apr 29, 2022
• ISBN: 9781944045876

Book preview

[Maybe the material isn’t hilarious? But, it’s original. Comedy isn’t pretty and it’s not easy. You be funnier. Where’s your funny book?].

Collected Comedy of TS Caladan

By

DH Jetson

Copyright by DH Jetson 2022

Published by TWB Press at Smashwords

All rights reserved. No part of this story (e-book) may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or book reviews.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidences are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Edited by DH Jetson

Cover Art by DH Jetson

Published by TWB Press, 2022

ISBN: 978-1-944045-87-6

~ Foreword ~

So pleased with how this Funny Book turned out. I had put together a large collection of humorous, odd things and true stories over 7 decades in my head that they had to come out of me. What pleasure there was in recollections of old stories and the creation of new, weird stuff. A splice of my life. You’ll learn about me reading this book. After the last two years, my comedic floodgates overrun and I had to laugh. Maybe you need to laugh? The true stories are precious to me and I’m happy they’ve been recorded in text. If I was young and good-looking and confident or silly-looking and could successfully deliver jokes, I might have gotten a gig on SNL? I mean Will Ferrell got his SNL job for screaming: Get down off the shed!! I have material at least as good. Enjoy.

Usually a ‘foreword’ is written by someone other than the author. In Tray’s case, it applies.

This Book was fun and we wrote it quickly.

~ Doug Yurchey

~ TS Caladan

~ DH Jetson

Dedicated to Robert Givnin

"Hey Cheech, I saw a UFO!!" You know it’s a believable UFO when you hear about it from CHONG!

Mick Jagger, if you can’t get no satisfaction, what hope is there for the rest of us?

A man walks into a bar...and hurts his head.

I used to work for some secret agencies, oh, terrible/terrible organizations like MI-5, MI-6 and of course MI-7 (hush hush). And then across the Pond, the frikken NSA. Yep. Even those bastards at the CIA know me well! That’s why I can call my old pals you bastards. Hey, I know what C.I.A. really stands for. But the worst, the worst, the worst of them all by far...is the PTA.

I heard this from Johnny Two Times, Johnny Two Times: They’re having a musical reunion of ‘80s bands, ‘80s bands. ‘The The’ starts off the show. The next act is ‘Talk Talk.’ And, of course, headlining the show is...

‘Duran Duran.’

You know Stevie Wonder isn’t blind, right? Seriously, there’s a viral video with these musicians onstage. Paul McCartney walked up to the piano and knocked over either a mic stand or a music stand. It fell right toward Stevie’s face and he grabbed it and moved it away. With sunglasses. Immediately, one of his guards said, Let me get that for you, Mister Wonder. Or similar words. Check it out. Now let’s test this theory. It’ll work for (Oscar = Acting) Ray Charles also...

Say you saw Stevie Wonder in an airport. [sidebar: This is true. I saw a black guy in a nice suit at a phone ‘island’ one time in a big room of an airport. But only from the back. His hair stuck straight up. I said to myself, That can’t be Don King, can it? So I walked in a circle around the phone island. It was fucking Don King! I recognized him from the back. 100% true story]. You never know who’ll you’ll see at an airport. You might run into Stevie Wonder and his people. If that happens, here’s what you do:

Go to the Gift Shop and buy a machete. It’s America, they’ll have a machete if you need one? Now go back to where you saw Stevie Wonder and wait for his people to look away for a minute. RUSH AT STEVIE with the machete high in the air, but quietly so only he can see you, Okay? When you do that, I’ll bet that Stevie will haul ass the other way! Let me know if I’m right, Okay?

In a related story, you know that Michael J. Fox does not have Parkinson’s Disease, right? No, no. (My joke: He was seen backstage before he went on Letterman, juggling. And he was pretty good too, I heard). There is a real video of Fox on Letterman and he said, Hey Dave, some people think I’m faking my Parkinson’s. If that were true, I couldn’t touch my nose. Michael moved his hand and touched the tip of his nose perfectly with his index finger. Then he missed and missed again. He was supposed to miss his nose, but he hit it perfectly with the first try. He’s not even a good actor!

Another true story: I have a cat that I call, Monkie. I also have a hamster that I call, Kitty. I’d like to get a real monkey and name him, Hamster. [C’mon, Mitch Hedberg would love that one].

You’ll never believe these stories, but they’re true: I live in a small room. There are tenants in other rooms and we share common areas. They are mainly Spanish. A new housemate moved in and I introduced myself as Doug. He said, No, with a weird look on his face. He was Spanish and never met a Doug before. The name sounded funny to him, like I said my name was Rumpelstiltskin. Then I told him of the other people who live here and there was another person named Doug. When he heard that, he howled: Noooo! in complete disbelief. He could handle that one Rumpelstiltskin lived here, but he sure couldn’t handle that two lived here. Keep that in mind as I tell you this:

That other guy is CRAZY, a paranoid split-personality. Like Seinfeld said about George once, You don’t just need a shrink to analyze you, you need a whole team of Swiss scientists studying you every day. Or similar words. This guy is ‘Insano, the Clown.’ He’ll be like the Werewolf and yell out horrible words, verbal abuse (spitting venom, I call it)...then he’ll turn around as if he’s a friend and be nice. What? To exaggerate: Hey Larry Talbot, you’re cool now, but last night as the Werewolf you killed everybody in the house! We live in such tight quarters that when someone used the shower, we 3 people upstairs heard it. Over time, and I sure never meant to listen in, I noticed he took two showers. Who takes two showers? Insano. Is it for his two different personalities? What could he possibly be doing in this 5 minute interval that required dryness? We don’t pay for water, why not let it run? I used to say: I want to know every mystery in life, but this is the one thing I do not want to know. Let me know everything else, but this. Don’t tell me, because that might spoil it. You should leave a little bit of mystery in life. Months went by and Johnny Two Showers never changed his robotic routine. One day, I walked in and heard the shower on then off for minutes and then back on. Obviously, he was at it again and I just shook my head. But suddenly...the door opened and this guy walked in. WHAT? Who the fuck was the person in the shower that took 2 showers?? It was the other person upstairs, the cleaning lady from across the hall. Wait! Of the 3 people upstairs, I’m the only one that takes a single shower? Yep. I started listening to her showers and she did it too! Maybe it’s solo-shower me that’s weird? I asked people, How many showers do you take? You see, I can handle that there’s one Rumpelstiltskin in the house that took two showers. But TWO Rumpelstiltskins that each took Two Showers!!?? Aaaugh!!

Say you do something REALLY STUPID in public, maybe among a group of your friends? How do you save face and get yourself out of an awkward situation, rather than do the right thing and just apologize? Some suggestions: You pull out your Men in Black spray-thing that makes a crowd forget what they’ve just seen. It’s only your hand in the air and your finger that pressed down and you said: Red Rum in a deep voice. Or you said: Wait, it’s just the Patchouli... and smelled the air a bit. Then son-of-a-bitch, you realized it really was the Men in Black forget-me Stick, but the spray nozzle was off slightly. When you hit the button, you were sprayed in the face and you said to the crowd: What the hell was I doing?

Don’t give a woman a gun. Here’s why. The gun’s going to go off, no doubt. Now look at all the directions the bullet can go. God, there’s many! But what happens? That bullet will find the one direction that kills her fiance` right through the heart! Okay, let’s say the happy couple were on a Honeymoon cruise. [And whoever named it Honey Moon?]. The new bride somehow got her dainty fingers wrapped around a gun. You know what will happen: Not only will her husband be shot dead, but the whole ship will sink to the bottom of the ocean. One shot. It’s true. I saw it in a movie.

If you take a good whiff, you can smell Harlan Ellison burning in hell. Oh, there’s a lot of them down there: Bob Saget, Jimmy Savile, Mother Teresa...

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.

If you said to a group of people, There’s one thing I don’t know... Someone might asked you, What’s that? __________________________.

"More Ouzo!!" (smashes glass on floor) You can never take less ouzo. Zima. You can take a lot less Zima.

Do you know how horrible Stella Artois beer tastes?! This is the pride of Belgium? That’s a funny joke. Look at the TV commercials for this amazing Belgium beer: The World’s Fair of 1939 with each country that presented fabulous new technologies for the future. What did Belgium give the world? Stella Artois! Or the one where they have to finely handcraft a perfect challis, goblet or cup to hold this finest of international beers. A brush came down and painted the rim of the Holy Grail...God! Then another had S.A. the hit of what appeared as an evil, red & black, Rothschild, ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ party with animal heads and antlers on the wall. Look, the beer tastes like shit, but the Movers and Shakers of the world have you so mesmerized that you believe it tasted divine. (You know, like Perrier water). I think the Rothschild family piss in it and laugh at you for loving it. I asked an old friend, who is an expert on beer and has had about every brand available, Did you ever have Stella Artois? He replied that he and his wife have had it. I asked, Did you guys like it? He responded, No! Where I live (LA), a new beer has taken over. Modelo is actually an old beer from Mexico, but WOW has it completely pushed out other brands of beer in display cases. They’re almost all Modelo and variations of this model beer. WTF! Seriously, you will see mountains of its familiar blue cases piled up between houses in Los Angeles. You have to reach over rows of Modelo cases in grocery stores just to get to the eggs and milk. It’s being consumed in massive amounts. I tried it once. Guess what? It fucking tasted like goddamn Stella Artois. This led me to the grand conclusion that those fucking Rothschilds repackaged Stella Artois and have now forced it on Spanish people as Modelo. Take the taste test on me and see if you agree? You may never drink beer again. I’ll bet there’s not a lot of Modelo or Stella Artois sold in Germany.

I bought an invisible car. If you buy an invisible car, it’s really cool. People see just you sitting and riding down the road. Kinda like Wonder Woman in her plane. But don’t do what I did. Don’t get drunk with your friends at a bar, then promise them a badass ride in an invisible car, and go out and try to remember where you parked. I felt around for an hour! I don’t think I was even on the right street. You