Don't Be A Baby

By Eleanor Kosinski

Ever kept a secret that only you know? Ever had to hurt in silence for decades looking for relief and redemption? Me too.

I have lived this way every day for the past forty-nine years.

I finally want to share my story with others who may also be struggling. I hope it will make a difference to someone who lives in secret despair.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Jun 6, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685563271

Eleanor Kosinski

I grew up in various Connecticut blue-collar cities and mill towns before the age of fifteen. My mother had Mayflower credentials. My father, let's say, didn't.Stability for our family was never long-lived. I learned early on how to cope in a topsy-turvy family environment. It was filled with insecurity, poverty, hunger, and fear. I went from being a big sister and caretaker at home to wife, mother, and grandma. It's been my faith in believing in the hope and promise of tomorrow that has helped keep me on course to this very day.I learned along the way that life doesn't always follow our well-intentioned blueprint. I've heard it said, "If you want to make God smile, just tell Him your plans." As this is true, I know God has smiled many times during my seventy-year journey.In dealing with people and problems, my husband once asked, "Who do you envy?"The answer was simple. I envy no one, nor do I wish my struggles on anyone. Perhaps my story will give another soul the message that you are not alone.

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Don’t Be a Baby

Eleanor Kosinski

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Don’t Be a Baby

Copyright © 2022 by Eleanor Kosinski

All scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public domain.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA.

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Cover design by Jeff Summers

Cover image by Erica Valdez

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-68556-326-4

E-ISBN: 978-1-68556-327-1

Dedication

To my mom, Winnifred, who was an inspiring example of a living moral compass. Her faith was unshakable. Her honesty resolute and her sense of humor helped all her children navigate the hunger, poverty, and homelessness of our youth.

She taught us how to survive without feeling sorry for ourselves, to see the good in the world despite our circumstances, and the value a simple smile can convey to soothe a soul in need.

A few days before her impending death, I sat with her, held her hand, and was stroking her hair. I asked her if she feared death. She knowingly smiled and said, No. I know where I am going; I’m just not in a rush to get there! At that moment, I realized that her faith was solid, and her sense of humor was still present. Here again, as in many instances of my life, she was comforting me by letting me know that she was at peace and looking forward to her welcome into heaven.

Her words, kindness, actions, and faith will live on for generations to come. What a blessing she was and will forever be.

Acknowledgements

Where do I begin when acknowledging everyone who has been instrumental in guiding, teaching, and loving me on my life’s journey?

First and foremost, to a loving God who blessed me with my family of origin and my family of creation. My brothers and my sister have shown their strength, courage, and wit through life’s most challenging times. They have all created successful lives and beautiful families despite the hardships we endured as children. They all continue to inspire, prosper, pay it forward, and always have the ability to make me laugh. I love them forever and for always.

My beautiful daughters are my earth angels. Watching them grow into loving, caring women, wives, and mothers is every mother’s prayer. They have made it my reality. They are generous, compassionate women who not only care for their families but others in time of need. They do so with love in their hearts without thought of praise or acknowledgment. Just that it’s the right thing to do. My sons-in-law, who I consider my sons, are upstanding men, great fathers, and mentors to my beloved grandchildren. My grandchildren are the delight of my life. They teach me how to navigate through changing times, everything electronic, as well as the craziness of social media. They remind me daily how important it is to enjoy life, to be silly, and always to stop, pay attention, and smell the roses along the way.

To my dear, faithful friends (you know who you are) who have generously shown their love and affection along my journey, I thank you sincerely for being at the right place, at the right time. Thanks for a shoulder to lean on and the kindness that comes from being a truly cherished, confident, and loyal friend. For that, I am eternally grateful.

To my husband, my soulmate of fifty-two years, and father of my beloved children, I thank you for our lifelong love affair. The road hasn’t always been easy, and I thought we might have hit a dead end, but God, in His wisdom, held us together for the greater good of our treasured family. In the process, we learned that forgiveness, love, and trust can and does happen when an abiding love and faith conquers our human weaknesses. To you, I say, To have and to hold. Forever and ever. Amen.

Contents

A Bleak January Day 1

How Ellie Met Ray 5

Meet and Greet the Future In-Laws 17

Where and How the Vows Would Be 21

Where Would the Wedding Bells Ring? 24

Getting Our Ducks in a Row 29

School, Weekend, Wedding...Oh, My! 35

Going to the Chapel of Love 38

Back to Our Reality 48

Keeping Secrets 50

Back to School and Facing My Fears 55

Summer of ‘69 66

Our First Apartment 72

Rare and Scary Diagnosis 77

Movin’ On Up 89

And Baby Makes Four 99

Welcoming Our New Daughter 104

Harsh Realities Settle In 113

Brotherly Love 119

A Young Family Pushes Forward 130

Poverty and Automotive Choices 140

A New Year, A New Pregnancy 149

The New Year 1973 164

My Intense Reality 175

Living With the Inevitable 179

Only the Strong Survive 181

January 22, 1973 190

Life Goes On 207

Back to Snow and Our Families 231

Living Life with Purpose 237

Goodness and Mercy 245

A Bleak January Day

They don’t shave for what she’s having done, the stout, judgmental nurse said to the timid student nurse as they entered my hospital room. The sergeant nurse wheeled her creaky cart over to my bedside. Get her chart, she ordered the young student. She then took the thermometer out of its glass alcohol-filled container and turned to me. Open, she said as she shook down the thermometer and placed it under my tongue. I could tell she was making the poor student nurse just about as nervous as she made me. The student’s job was to chart my vital intake information. Pulse, blood pressure, height, weight, and ask if I had any valuables or dentures. Very disciplined, task-oriented questioning with no pleasantries. Just stern, robotic precision. The older nurse brushed past me to post a sign over my headboard that read NPO after midnight. Here’s your sleeping pill, she snapped as she left it on my bedside table. She motioned to the student nurse to move on. She grabbed her cart, and as she passed by, she not only took her endearing personality and charm with her but the distinct odor of a recently smoked cigarette.

Geez, glad Attila is gone! my roommate said. Not much of a bedside manner. She was an older woman in the hospital for the removal of her kidney stones. She turned to me and asked the question I was dreading, What are you in for? My heart was pounding as I braced myself to lie and softly said, An ovarian cyst. She said, Good luck, kid; shouldn’t be too bad, as she returned to heartily eating the last of her lime jello.

In contrast, my tray lay in front of me untouched. I had no appetite. I didn’t want to be there, oh, how I didn’t want to be there.

I lay still on the very uncomfortable, stiff hospital bed. I asked myself over and over how I could have ended up in this nightmare. I placed my hand gently over my belly. I prayed and then prayed some more.

The sleeping pill was worthless. I tossed and turned. My roommate was still watching TV, and as I shut my eyes, I heard the familiar Chiffon margarine commercial. The premise of the spot was a woman dressed as Mother Nature is in a flowery forest. She is given what she believes is bread and butter; she takes a bite, smiles, and says, Ahh, my sweet, creamy butter. A deep voice then says, Nope, it isn’t butter; it’s Chiffon margarine. Mother Nature is not pleased, and she lifts her arms in the air and says, It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature. A bolt of lightning strikes and thunder rumbles because she is fooled. It’s funny what you remember when you are trying to forget everything.

My roommate finally shut off her TV as her sleeping pill took effect. I shut off my overhead light and listened to the droning chatter in the hallway with call bells going off in patients’ rooms. The rolling of the med carts and the shuffling of the nurses’ feet were continuous all night. I lay there sad, confused, alone, and angry. I tried to make some sort of sense of how I got to this unimaginable point in my life. The clock was ticking toward morning. My heart was pounding as my voice and my choice were now silenced. I kept questioning how and why I was lying in this hospital bed. I knew I might never understand why I allowed my life to take this turn, but I needed to try to make some semblance of sense about what got me here. I felt my sanity was on the brink. I questioned my morality, my judgment, my character, and my faith. The person lying in this bed did not represent who I was. I needed answers, but all I had was myself and my memories. For me, what was about to happen in a few hours was an unspoken, shameful deed that, once done, would be my forever reality. As I lay there, I kept hoping I would wake in the morning in my bed, at home, and this would all have been a bizarre episode of The Twilight Zone.

In reality, I knew it would not be. The hands of the clock in my room kept rhythmically inching forward. My life at this moment was indeed a nightmare, only this was real, and I was fully awake.

How Ellie Met Ray

I was not the typical child of the 1960s. I never drank, smoked, or did any kind of illicit drugs, even though many of my peers did. I never had any need or any inclination to experiment. I didn’t judge those who did. It just wasn’t anything that I was interested in doing. I never got in trouble or was destructive in any way. It just wasn’t for me. I followed the rules and tried to do the right thing. Having sex with my long-term boyfriend was where I changed the course of my life. I became pregnant with my first child in my senior year of high school in 1969.

I met Ray at a CYO dance in 1966. I was not interested in him, but I was interested in a different boy. I went to the dance to be near the other boy. I wanted to look at him, and I was hoping he might notice me. I was with my good friend Marion who was boy crazy, and it didn’t matter to her what boys talked to us just if they did. She was very forward and loud. I was timid and reserved. She introduced me to Ray because he was with a boy she was interested in and wanted me to meet someone. Initially, I wasn’t attracted to Ray. He was skinny and had a large nose. He was wearing a madras shirt with a pair of patterned pants. He immediately began talking to me. We had a typical, polite teenage conversation. Then, he asked me to dance, and I reluctantly said yes. As soon as the song started, it was clear from Ray’s robotic contortions that he wasn’t comfortable with fast dancing, so I pretended I was dancing with the boy next to me. It was the ’60s. The dance floor was so crowded I didn’t think that anyone would know who was dancing with who. The song finally ended. I thanked him and walked away in search of Marion. I saw she was now talking with a boy she had met, so I turned around, and Ray was standing right behind me. Today this would be considered stalking, but back then, it was just a boy paying attention to a girl he found attractive. He said, This is a slow one. Wanna dance? I felt awkward standing on the dance floor without a partner, so I said, Sure. We began to dance, and his slow dance moves were surprisingly smoother than his fast dance twitching and spastic motions. As we danced to The Righteous Brothers’ Ebb-Tide, we just seemed to fit together. He told me that I was beautiful. What girl doesn’t want to hear that? As we continued dancing, we learned a little about each other. He was a middle child as was I. We had never seen each other even though we lived a street away and went to the same school. I was a freshman, and he a junior. We spent the rest of the dance getting to know each other. After the dance was over, he and his friend offered us a ride home. I wasn’t allowed to go in cars with boys. My mother’s rules were that I had to be sixteen before I could go in a car with a boy. I did feel a little naughty disobeying her, but I was sleeping at Marion’s house that night. I rationalized it. They were just driving us to Marion’s house. On the ride to her place, Ray and I were in the back seat. He said he would like it if I came to his basketball game the following Saturday evening. I said, Okay, I’ll be your athletic supporter. Without skipping a beat, he said, I already have an athletic supporter, but if you’d like to come to the game, that would be great. A flush of embarrassment turned my cheeks red. As soon as he said that, I knew I liked him. A sense of humor always won me over.

We arrived at my friend’s home and parked the car. My friend and her date started making out as soon as the car stopped. I was shocked, embarrassed, and uncomfortable by their passionate display. Ray could sense how I felt and asked me if I wanted to step outside the car. Of course, I did. What they were doing was not a spectator sport. We leaned up against the car and continued our small talk. He kept looking at me, and I knew where this was going. I banged on the car door and told my friend that it was time to go into her house. As soon as I turned around, Ray took me in his arms and kissed me softly and tenderly. When he stopped, my head was spinning. I mean really spinning. I never felt like this before when a boy kissed me. It was something that I thought only happened in the movies. He then walked me to the door and told me what a great time he had and was looking forward to seeing me at his basketball game. I heard words, but I wasn’t listening to him. I just wanted him to kiss me again. I couldn’t explain it. The feeling was so powerful and unexpected. What started as an evening just saying okay to a balky dancer ended up with the most memorable kiss of my life and was the beginning of an intensity I never knew existed.

Of course, rationally, I knew it was teenage, pie-in-the-sky infatuation. It wasn’t the first time I had liked a boy, but this somehow felt different, and I was glad that I got beyond the initial way he looked. He had a natural charm about him. It wasn’t the usual fake kind, but a no-nonsense honesty with an unapologetic sense of humor that got right to me and made me break into a smile when I thought about him. This has to be good, I thought to myself. He hugged me and said goodnight, and I turned and stepped into my friend’s house. I got ready for bed. I laid down and couldn’t get the smile off my face. I was unable to sleep; I just wanted to keep reliving that moment he kissed me, and the magic began.

From that moment on, Ray and I exclusively dated for almost two years. I fought off his advances until I no longer wanted to. Pregnancy followed. When I told him that I was pregnant, he never flinched or hesitated. He looked at me and confidently said, I love you; we’ll get married. We were planning to someday, anyway. This just makes it sooner than we planned. I thought I knew who he was, and I was right. He was eighteen and honorable. He had my heart.

Telling our parents would be our next challenge. Ray was in his first year of college. The campus was about an hour away. I was in my senior year of high school. We only saw each other on weekends, breaks, and holidays. We knew we had to tell our parents soon as my pregnancy was advancing. We decided that we would tell them the following weekend. He called me from college to solidify our plans. We would inform our parents separately. We agreed we would do it at four o’clock on the upcoming Sunday. We would break the news in a synchronized fashion in different houses. That Saturday, we spent the day together. When it was time for him to