The Disciplined Listening Method: How A Certified Forensic Interviewer Unlocks Hidden Value in Every Conversation

By Michael Reddington

Use the truth to your advantage.

The cornerstone of any leader's personal brand is how people perceive their listening skills. Distractions, biases, unhealthy expectations, and misaligned perceptions make it difficult for leaders to truly understand and influence their audiences. An important skill in reducing

• Language: English
• Publisher: Per Capita
• Release date: Mar 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9781954020306

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

CLICK, CLICK. I TURNED my listening ears on, Daddy.

One of my son’s daycare teachers taught him to turn on his listening ears when he was a toddler, and it has become his preferred phrase as soon as he realizes that he might be in trouble. He intends this statement to mean that he is attentive, obedient, and no longer needs to experience any consequences.

If only listening were that easy.

Given his age, there are several interesting dynamics that impact what he hears and how he reacts. He is in tune to changes in my wife’s and my volume and tone of voice. He even appears to recognize (and emulate) our facial expressions. However, he most often reacts to the literal meaning of what we say. When we speak, he focuses on what we want him to do, how he might please us, or how he may get what he wants. As a toddler though, he often misses the nuance and intention behind our statements. All of this leads me to ask the question, is he listening?

Great listeners are rare. Precious few listeners possess:

• A strong sense of curiosity

• The ability to limit their internal monologue

• The capacity to control their emotions

• Enough discipline to limit distractions

• Ample awareness to uncover hidden value

• Sufficient confidence to empathize with people who harbor opposing perspectives

For great listeners, the value of learning and achieving something new outweighs the risks associated with feeling vulnerable. Unfortunately, people are not typically born with these skills. Human beings are wired for the exact opposite. Stephen Covey, the author of the best-selling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, writes, Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.¹ We are all predisposed to listen for opportunities to confirm or defend what we already believe, protect our self-images, and avoid individuals and topics that make us uncomfortable.

For great listeners, the value of learning and achieving something new outweighs the risks associated with feeling vulnerable.

This fact is more pronounced now than ever before as we are increasingly incentivized not to listen. The collection and distribution of big data have awarded technology and media organizations with unprecedented influence over our thoughts, behaviors, and purchases. The ability for these organizations to remain profitable is directly linked to their ability to reinforce and even alter our self-images, while also developing rivalries between perceptually opposed groups and individuals. We often have no idea how big data is weaponized to curate the information we see on TV and online, specifically for our personal consumption. This new reality rewards people for taking polarizing positions, reacting quickly as opposed to thoughtfully, valuing information that comes from sources with similar views, and highlighting differences as opposed to seeking commonalities. It reduces our ability to separate messages from messengers, and important details from larger messages with which we may disagree. Overcoming these popularized incentives requires uncommon levels of awareness, confidence, and empathy.

The Greek philosopher Plutarch is credited with saying, "Know how to listen and you will profit even from those who talk badly." His statement remains 100 percent true today. Listening is touted as one of, if not the, most critical business and personal communication skills to develop. However, knowing how to listen can mean many things, depending on a person’s motivation. People can listen to, acknowledge, obey, respond, defend, attack, learn, understand, or achieve. Sometimes, all occur within the same conversation.

Carl Rogers and Richard Farson first defined the concept of active listening that many people are familiar with today. Essentially, they identified that listeners who strive to demonstrate that they grasp a speaker’s entire message would affect change in others.² Mr. Rogers illustrated this idea when he stated, We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.³

Our personal brand as leaders is built upon how people perceive us as listeners.

Looking back, my journey as an observer and listener started decades before I was aware of it. For a variety of reasons as a young child, I was oftentimes hiding something from everyone around me. As a result, I honed my awareness skills as my fear of being discovered had me on high alert all the time. Fast-forwarding to a more responsible stage of life, my first attempt at a career was supporting children and adults with physical and developmental disabilities. Some of them were nonverbal, some had limited speaking abilities, and all of them bore the cognitive and emotional scars of their experiences. Learning to accurately determine what they were thinking, feeling, and requesting allowed my coworkers and I to preserve their happiness, safety, and dignity.

I went on to work in a customer service role and spent each day talking to hundreds of people who often did not know how to articulate their message or understand the complexities of their situation. These conversations were a crash course in sorting out confusing and emotional discussions to arrive at productive conclusions.

Eventually, I became a professional investigator and observed how people acted before, during the commission of, and after committing crimes. This period was also when I began studying non-confrontational interview and interrogation techniques. My earliest interrogations ignited a passion for understanding how and why people would choose to tell the truth in the face of real consequences, and why the most successful non-confrontational interview and interrogation techniques work so well. These pursuits motivated me to achieve my Certified Forensic Interviewer (CFI) Designation.

As a CFI, I was typically asked to engage with emotional victims, witnesses, and suspects who were motivated to withhold at least some, if not all, of the information I needed to resolve my investigations. These conversations often took place at inconvenient moments, in sub-optimal locations, and under tight time restrictions. Obtaining the truth under these circumstances was often predicated on my ability to evaluate the totality of the situation, observe my subjects, and identify unexpected approaches to encourage them to feel comfortable sharing sensitive information. The road to the truth was the same whether I was speaking with a victim who was previously too embarrassed to share her story, a witness too scared to bring forward evidence, or a suspect who had already lied about his actions to federal agents. Every victim, witness, and suspect brings their own story, fears, and motivations into the interview room. Inspiring each of them to commit to sharing the truth requires interviewers to empathize with people they may have very little in common with, and with whose actions they may strongly disagree.

Professional investigators are taught to look and listen differently. They know that everything they observe now could significantly impact the investigation in the future. What may look like a random action, sound like a throwaway statement, or appear innocuous, may be the key that unlocks the entire investigation. As a result, they are conditioned to collect all the potential puzzle pieces they find, because they can’t be sure what the final picture will look like. Looking back on my career, the top ten lessons I learned in the interrogation room are:

1. I had more in common with everyone I interviewed than I initially thought.

2. There was always an opportunity to learn something from everyone I interviewed.

3. It was okay for people to lie to me! They had more motivation to withhold information than to share it. They were simply exercising what they believed was their last good option.

4. People need to save face and protect their self-images when they share sensitive information.

5. When I needed my subjects to share sensitive information, I was not in control of the conversation, they were.

6. The direct path is the path of most resistance.

7. Patience prevails—I obtained far more valuable intelligence when I allowed the conversation to come to me.

8. Keeping the evidence to myself helped me confirm what I was told.

9. Embrace excuses! They illuminate the easiest path to the truth.

10. I received more truthful information when I asked questions based on what my subjects needed to experience, not what I wanted to say.

I currently serve as an executive resource and have been fortunate to earn the opportunity to support leaders and businesses around the world. My experiences have taught me that we all have far more in common with each other than we think. Everyone has value they can add to a wide variety of scenarios. The depth, nuances, and contextual cues embedded in every message we receive offer a wealth of potential opportunities if we are aware enough to observe them. There are several common denominators that have led to my success in these roles. Creating the Disciplined Listening Method is the culmination of my unexpected journey. Specifically, this method is my application of situational awareness, patience, strategic observation, emotional intelligence, and the ability to influence others.

I developed the Disciplined Listening Method by integrating research and best practices from across the spectrum of business communications, with the world’s leading non-confrontational interview and interrogation techniques. This marriage of material may seem counterintuitive until we consider two critical perspectives. First, the best leaders and the best interrogators capitalize on the same two core skills: vision and influence. A lack of big-picture understanding or the inability to motivate those around them stops leaders short of achieving their goals. Second, the cognitive road that leads customers to say, I’ll buy it, employees to say, I’ll do it, and suspects to truthfully say, I did it, is essentially identical. This merging of business and investigative communication techniques positions Disciplined Listeners to prepare, observe, and engage their audiences at levels previously unattainable.

Many approaches to improving our listening skills focus on what we need to say or do to become better listeners. Unfortunately, this inward focus distracts us from the real problem. The most effective listening approaches are predicated on what our audiences need to experience before they commit to sharing the information we need from them.

The biggest keys to maximizing your listening and observation potential in all contexts may just be getting out of your own way, accepting the totality of what your counterparts share, and acknowledging where they are coming from. Unfortunately, these things are extremely hard to do when we are focused on our own perspectives, needs, and emotions. Modern leadership philosopher Simon Sinek says, Listening is not understanding the words of the question asked, listening is understanding why the question was asked in the first place.⁴

Disciplined Listeners capture opportunities that others fail to see. Trained listeners in this method are able to intentionally combat predispositions and approach discomfort curiously and confidently, all while elevating their contextual awareness.

This book is designed to guide readers through a discovery process that culminates with a deeper understanding of themselves, an appreciation for others’ rich experiences, and an approach to unlocking the unrealized potential of their conversations.

We will start by exploring the assumptions and shortfalls associated with active listening. With that backdrop in place, we will examine our individual listening styles, consider how to expand our situational awareness, and work on overcoming many of the common listening mistakes we are all prone to making.

Next, we will delve into the risks, myths, and misguided efforts associated with catching liars. At this point we will explore the seven phases of potentially contentious conversations, illustrate the seven core behaviors of the Disciplined Listening Method, lay out how to observe like an interrogator, and break down the potential meaning of specific verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Finally, we will outline how to use the truth to your advantage with persuasive communication tools and enhanced questioning techniques. This entire text is also layered with opportunities for each reader to analyze their own business and personal experiences for opportunities to apply these lessons.

Before you go any further, consider the following questions:

1. What are the most valuable lessons you would like to take from this book?

2. What relationships can you impact with the lessons you learn?

3. What new opportunities can you create with the lessons you learn?

4. How can your previous success and missed opportunities reinforce the lessons you learn?

This book aims to provide readers with a game plan to overcome the obstacles that inhibit us from being great listeners. After completing this book, every reader should have a deep toolbox of new listening skills, perspectives, and techniques to apply in their business and personal conversations. They should have identified specific opportunities to apply what they learned, feel confident in their ability to do so, and be aware enough to reflect on their efforts. The lessons included in the following pages were taken from the interrogation room, the board room, the kitchen table, and research libraries. These ideas were packaged together to provide a holistic approach to improving how we engage with those around us. My desire is that the lessons and examples you will find in the following pages add significant value to your business and personal relationships.

CHAPTER ONE

PRETENDING TO ACTIVELY LISTEN

I MUST ADMIT I was second-guessing my decision as I walked past the armed guards, stepped around the vehicle barriers, passed through the gate between the twelve-foot-high concrete walls, and strode onto the street to meet my driver. Choosing to get in a car with a stranger felt a little risky, but I believed it was truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I had completed my speaking engagement, and I had a three-hour window to explore the country before my flight departed Amman Jordan for Muscat Oman. My driver appeared to be a trustworthy man and had convinced me to let him take me to visit the Dead Sea. He told me he had lived in the United States for twenty-two years and seemed genuinely eager to show me his home country. I shook his hand, jumped in the back seat, and we set off. We fought our way through traffic that would’ve made Chicago proud and made our way out of the city.

We passed the forty-five-minute drive by talking about his previous homes in Dallas and Miami. I must confess, I wasn’t totally listening to him. I was taken by the sights in a completely unfamiliar landscape, and I was working hard to memorize the roads and landmarks in case I needed to find my own way back. That being said, I definitely didn’t want to upset the man who was in complete control of where I would end up next.

I kept the conversation going by occasionally meeting his eyes in the rear-view mirror, offering the intermittent yeah, cool, and really? A few times I even asked him if he had been to certain restaurants or venues to demonstrate that I was familiar with the cities where he had lived. I used these engagement techniques less out of actual interest in what he was saying and more to keep him happy with me.

When we arrived at the Dead Sea, we had to wait for a farmer to cross the road with at least one hundred goats. Once the herd passed us, we pulled into a parking lot at what appeared to be a public beach area. Both my driver and I exited the car and leaned on the hood. He gave me a few minutes to take it all in as I looked around in awe of the natural beauty that surrounded me, amazed that a kid from New Hampshire made it all the way to Jordan.

Our small talk continued for several minutes and he pointed out that the mountains across the sea were in Israel. I told him I had never been there, and he asked me what my religion was . . . suddenly I didn’t want to participate in this conversation anymore. I know very little about world politics and religious conflicts, but I knew enough to be aware that I was on the precipice of a dangerous conversation.

I gave him an equivocated answer and did my best to illustrate that I understood religious conversations were personal and sensitive. He made several more attempts at getting a specific answer from me to no avail. Finally, he looked at me from across the hood of his car and said, American, it’s okay, you can tell me. I quickly responded, Not if you call me American, my name is Mike. He smiled and said, It’s okay, Mike. I told him I was raised in a Christian family. He thanked me, and turned his gaze back to the mountains across the sea.

When his gaze returned to me, he sighed and told me that his family was from Palestine; he had wonderful memories of his family’s olive grove. Within minutes we were both sitting on the hood of this car and exchanging childhood stories. Our business relationship was now intensely personal and all of our differences had evaporated. We talked about our families, our childhoods, and our favorite memories. At the end of the conversation, we both agreed that most people, and religions, have too much in common to allow division and wars to tear us apart.

After a few moments of silently staring out into the Dead Sea and the mountains beyond, he looked at his watch and said, Quick, get in the car, we still have time. I jumped back in and he took us up a winding road into the Jordanian mountains to Mt. Nebo, where Moses is said to be buried. From there he took me to his cousin’s office, where I sat in a back room and sipped lemon tea with five complete strangers. After our tea break, he took me to the town of Madaba where I could see a Greek Orthodox Church and a Mosque. I was stunned when I walked into St. George’s Church and found myself staring down at a sixth-century mosaic map of the holy land that had been uncovered underneath the floor.

I was honestly sad as we hugged each other and said goodbye at the airport. I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to prove, in a spectacular way, that we all have much more in common with each other than we think. What started as a typical tourist excursion became an unexpectedly powerful experience when I stopped pretending to listen, accepted my vulnerability, and committed to our conversation.

Most conversations about listening inevitably include the phrase active listening. Active listening has long since become the ubiquitous descriptive of good listening. Carl Rogers and Richard Farson are credited with establishing the concept of active listening in the late 1950s. The ensuing decades have seen a plethora of academics and practitioners add volumes of research and experiences to their work. Rogers and Farson’s original approach to active listening was centered around the concept that listening is a powerful change agent. They believed that active, or sensitive listening, changes how people see themselves and others, and that these perspective shifts create breakthroughs in relationships.

Throughout the years, it has become widely accepted that active listening essentially means engaging with people in a manner that demonstrates attentiveness, understanding, and empathy to encourage them to share more information. To this end, active listeners are encouraged to maintain appropriate levels of eye contact, nod their heads, exhibit open body posture directed toward the speaker, mirror the speaker’s body language, and even lean toward the speaker while displaying welcoming nonverbal behaviors.

Additionally, they’re instructed to evaluate their counterparts’ nonverbal communication. When active listeners respond, they are encouraged to use an engaging tone of voice and nonverbal behaviors, paraphrase what they’ve heard, reflect the speaker’s feelings, and ask open questions.

Essentially, active listening equates to signaling attentiveness. As Carl Rogers and Richard Farson pointed out, people typically share more information when their audience appears to be fully engaged. There is also plenty of research that supports the idea that we like people who we believe share similar interests and ideas. Listeners who authentically remain engaged with their counterparts position themselves to obtain greater amounts of information and maintain stronger relationships.

The potential problems with active listening lie within the execution of these behaviors, not the behaviors themselves. In fairness, any tool or technique will only be as effective as the person using it. It’s not the hammer’s fault if you miss the nail and hit your thumb. In the same way, signaling attentiveness doesn’t equal listening or result in identifying unexpected strategic value.

APPEARANCE VS. ACTUALITY

The first potential issue with the traditional active listening model is that it creates the opportunity to appear as if we are attentively listening when we are not. There is a huge difference between appearing to listen and actually listening. I would confidently wager that many readers are quite skilled at maintaining eye contact, smiling, nodding, occasionally paraphrasing what they hear, or at least repeating the last word they heard with a questioning tone. This all while ignoring their counter-parts, thinking about some other pressing issue in their world, or preparing their next response. We cannot fully focus on two conversations simultaneously. Our internal monologue wins anytime someone is talking to us while we are talking to ourselves.

Our internal monologue wins anytime someone is talking to us while we are talking to ourselves.

Another common example of active listening backfiring is when we fail to deliver on a set of directions and expectations we have received. Maybe our spouse, boss, teacher, or friend has asked us to take care of something for them. From their perspective, we appear to be attentive and engaged so they believe we acknowledge and understand the request. Fast-forward to when we fail to follow through, and they feel personally disrespected because we have led them to believe that they had our commitment when we hadn’t fully listened to what we had committed to.

Appearing to attentively listen should encourage someone to share more information. However, you may end up damaging the relationship if the roles reverse during the conversation and that person asks you questions you can’t answer because your mind wandered. The same risk applies if people expect you to retain the information they shared, and you either never receive it, completely forget it, or must return to ask them again at a later time.

As dangerous as it can be to (unintentionally) deceive your counterparts into believing that you listened to them, it is far more dangerous to deceive yourself into believing you listened to them. Even when our minds wander, we still receive bits and pieces of the messages being shared with us. We may capture some of the words; we likely won’t capture key contextual clues or important shifts in our counterparts’ tone, volume, speed of delivery, word choice, or nonverbal behaviors. The few words or behaviors we do observe trick us into believing we have received different messages than our counterparts feel they have delivered. Our misguided confidence can create missed opportunities or strategic disadvantages, cause us to defend our erroneous beliefs, and ignite unnecessary conflicts.

The second potential issue with active listening is the perceived authenticity of the listener. Listeners who robotically respond, interject at awkward times, or consistently rely on the exact same verbal and nonverbal prompts can appear insincere and damage relationships as a result.

Many years ago, I went on a camping trip with another family. We were all sitting around the fire late one night when an unexpected argument erupted between another couple. The wife stormed off and I ended up sitting at the fire alone with the husband. He told me how he felt about the situation and asked me if I understood where he was coming from. I answered, absolutely, because I felt like I truly did. He immediately looked at me and asked, Do you? Because you always say ‘absolutely.’ I was taken aback. I really did feel like I understood his position, and I definitely didn’t want to appear humoring. Thankfully, I was able to recover and give him a specific example. That night, my unconscious response almost created a real problem, even though it came from an authentic place.

This risk runs especially high when listeners attempt to mirror a speaker’s behavior. Yes, it is true that people naturally mirror each other when they experience rapport. In fact, there is a fun way to determine if a stranger is paying especially close attention to you in a public establishment: When you believe they are watching you, casually bring your hand to your face and make an adjustment (scratch your eyebrow, adjust your glasses, fix your hair, glide your fingers across your goatee). If the observer in question touches their face, he or she is likely quite in tune to you at that moment.

When people teach mirroring as a listening technique, they are encouraging you to artificially leverage behavioral connections that occur naturally when people experience rapport. Attempting to force or jump-start rapport by mirroring someone’s behavior becomes dangerous. The biggest potential problem with using mirroring as an engagement tool is that unnatural behavior almost always appears forced and awkward. Mirroring our counterpart’s behavior often requires us to demonstrate behaviors that may not align with our emotions or statements, or that we may not even be comfortable displaying. Both your relationships and your credibility can be irreparably harmed if your audience picks up on your discomfort or incongruencies.

I spent several years teaching investigators how to identify and apprehend shoplifters. New investigators were often surprised when I would start the lesson by asking them to describe how most honest customers behave when they are shopping. Most people have never thought to break down what honest people look like while completing normal activities. Once they outlined how honest shoppers typically behave, I would ask them to look for people in their stores who are trying to act normal. This resulted in observational breakthroughs for many new investigators.

For most people, trying to act normal is an awkward proposition. Their behaviors typically appear mechanical, choppy, inconsistent, and conflicting. Typically, the harder one tries to act normal, the less normal they appear, which exposes their ulterior motives. I feel awkward in many social situations—especially standing in line at passport control in airports. I know there are both uniformed and undercover agents who are attempting to identify criminals and threats by watching for people in line who appear to be acting out of the ordinary. I’m also keenly aware that the harder I try to act normal, the more I’m likely calling extra attention to myself. People would find it hysterical if they could hear my competing internal monologues as I try to act normal, and catch myself not acting normal, while I’m anxiously waiting to have my passport stamped.

The same is true for listeners. A listener can quickly destroy trust if a speaker, especially an emotionally vulnerable one, senses that a listener is intentionally mirroring their behavior in an attempt to manipulate the conversation. Think how you would feel if you were nervously opening up to someone and realized that he or she was faking their nonverbal behavior in an attempt to make you more comfortable.

A similar and safer approach is matching your counterpart’s behavior