Love Silently

By Laurinda Mapurazi

Love Silently is a story about a young woman who came from a poor background, growing up in a local community with diverse cultures and ethics. Her worldview outside the four corners of her home from a young age was largely influenced by the values inculcated to her by her parents. Pearl's parents believed in raising disciplined children, and their authoritative and moralistic approach, although not so popular, gave them a sense of control over their family. Sadly, life presented Pearl to a world decorated with roses and spikes to test her convictions and threatened her future. As she became more aware of her own individuality, learning to trust her own inclinations, internal curiosities and judgements, a battle ensued, and it became overwhelming for her. She was pulled even deeper into a loop as she fought to balance her emotions, respect for her parents and the confusion and tension she was planting in her family. Love Silently is inspired by true events of a young woman raised with a different set of values, beliefs and expectations. Her world changed when a young man entered her life. Their connection so strong, yet forbidden, still her heart couldn't dissolve her deep feelings and let go of the soul that she has come to love.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Classic age Publishing
• Release date: Mar 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201704025

Book preview

DEDICATION

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This book is dedicated to love

"Should I be innocent

Lest my intellectual acuity sleeps

And my infatuation overtakes me

Dear mother, I beg for your indulgence

Let your hand cripple not my heart

For in him, comfort I found

Oh father, ignore not the sharpened swords bludgeoning my soul

For with her heart, my home lies

If my heart is to love

Let your guiding hand be with compassion

Laurinda

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Chapter One

Fighting Temptations

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Pearl watched helplessly as her world crumbled, and the dreams and hopes she had dissolved in front of her. She could no longer ignore the cruelty of the world she observed around her nor hide, maybe for a few years away from its bitterness. She felt she was dropped at the center of the world she feared all her life, and her disappointments, frustrations, and anger only made it worse instead of helping her maneuver out of it. In no time she became overwhelmed with a sense of betrayal, of being robbed of her future by those who had a hand in twisting her fate. She also contended with a belief that she was to blame for nursing the desire to receive love and share hers with Sizwe. She saw how she allowed her own vulnerability to melt away the convictions she milked since young, and now, her future became a memory. Pearl felt trapped in her own misery and saw no way out but clouds of shame, pain and defeat hanging over her. More than she could ever wish to, her mind would flash snapshots of the two of them together. It wasn’t until she allowed herself to live in those moments, however brief, that her mind would slow down. Picturing her self-made bliss with Sizwe was the only way she could soothe the heaviness in her heart.  At least there, she found comfort. She could see the first time she noticed Sizwe across the building, with his gaze fixated on her as if theirs was the only world that existed, and nothing else mattered. Whenever she calmed her mind down, she could hear her own heartbeat and would feel his love and the warmth of his soul once more. With the comfort they enjoyed in each other, their union, and the trust she found in him, she knew that her world would be perfect and tranquil. Sadly, she would cringe in the memories of experiencing her first love burnt to a crisp, and the man with whom she shared her happiness, hopes, fears, and future ambitions removed from her. 

It has been over three decades, and the memories of him not only lingers but are still deeply engraved within her. It is not just the vivid reflection of him, but that of their closeness and the two of them together. Although she has not seen him in years, their union remained firmly rooted in her heart. She could still see his face as if he was standing right in front of her. He held a special place in her heart, she accommodated him and incubated their story. She created a panoramic vault of their memories and kept it alive in her. Many years have passed, and she could still see him; from the way he walked, his smile and his deep voice. Whenever she closes her eyes, her mental flight would take her to their own world; she’d feel his fingers softly caressing her face, she would feel his heartbeat. She would land easily in the memory when she felt his body tremble with excitement for the first time. Theirs was a kind of a love story, that even they didn't understand its depth. Pearl recalls how fragile Sizwe looked that very first moment when he asked her to look at him and told her that he loved her. His deep voice created quakes inside Pearl's belly; instead of butterflies coming to life inside of her, she trembled and smiled shyly while shedding a tear. It was in her nature to 'shut down' in intense situations, and Sizwe loved that vulnerable side of her.

Pearl and Sizwe met at the school hall during a break at choir practice. Sizwe was a class ahead of Pearl, a prefect and also a striker in the school's soccer team. This was Sizwe's second year at the school. Sizwe lived with his father on the other side of the location about two kilometres from Pearl’s. The community in that area was composed largely of people who worked at the same factory that Sizwe’s father work at. The factory was situated 15 kilometres outside their township. 

Sizwe seemed like a well-mannered boy, who mostly kept to himself. His circle of friends was the soccer team and a few classmates he'd often be seen hanging around with during or after soccer practices or study periods. The school choral director, Mr. Chamba who, in spite of his strict approach, was respected for his intense love of music and the countless trophies he brought home. He lined up the choir, with Pearl standing in the second row of contraltos and Sizwe somewhere at the back for base. Mr. Chamba was fluent in other languages, so teaching students a song in any of the South African languages was a breeze for him. Every year, the school would tackle songs in different languages to prepare for local and, if they make it, for provincial competitions. Mr. Chamba taught Tsonga and Biology at the school. He was known for his brisk personality. He rarely smiled, or maybe that was hidden under his neatly trimmed handlebar mustache he wore throughout. He carried himself with a certain type of grace, elegant, medium height, and rarely seen without his light brown blazer. Whenever he entered the class, he'd be carrying a stack of school books and in his right hand a white thick plastic rhythmic stick. He used the same stick during choir practices.

Sizwe stood at length, chatting with his friends during the choir practice break but couldn't relieve his gaze off Pearl's direction. He was unaware of how he kept flapping his chats across his friends, with his eyes strictly trapped on Pearl. He could feel pulled to every direction she moved. Somehow, he sensed that she could be ignoring him but couldn't help himself following her with his stare, as if to absorb everything about her for the first time. Pearl noticed his gaze, but her mind did not register him at that time. He seemed to have mastered the courage to approach her, and as they were taking back their positions to continue with the rehearsals, he walked directly towards her, but he was once again rendered invisible in her world. Pearl ignored him. Persistent, he noticed that she had stepped out of the line to the table just beside him, he then rushed over to her. This time, he managed to get her to look directly at him, and he quickly pushed his greetings and immediately introduced himself. Pearl continued to pencil her name on the register, ignoring him once again. But Sizwe was not moving. As she turned to walk back to the group, he moved swiftly to block her way and stood firmly in front of her, asking Pearl her name. Pearl looked at him, with no expression on her face; he couldn't read whether she was screaming move away or else, intimidated or simply not interested in speaking to him. With a pinched face, Pearl moved her gaze to the group as to say, I really have to get back to my position. Sizwe seemed to have read the silent message. After choir practice, he followed her, but Pearl felt it and slyly disappeared in the crowd. It took him weeks to get even a window of opportunity to speak to Pearl again, because every time he tried to get closer, looked towards her direction, smiled at her from a distance, or even try to make her aware of his existence, she'd always ignore him. In her world, she did not know why he was even trying to want to speak to her. In her mind, she did not want to get into trouble, or maybe in her mind, she was afraid to get involved. But she kept reminding herself of her parents' teachings; to be careful, not get involved in things with the potential of stringing along some trouble. And with him trying to penetrate her concrete wall, trouble was dangling itself towards her direction, and she was not ready for it.

She respected her parents and she understood and respected their teachings. Her parents' beliefs were her beliefs, and she wanted to keep it that way. In her parent's world, a girl child would, over and above other things have good attributes, honour her parents, and would wait to fall in love with the right man with good intentions for her. A man who would want to marry her, a man who shares the same principles, and one who meets their standards and then, after all, their approval. These and other virtues were important to her and her wellbeing. She did not want to become a disgrace to her parents and her family and their shared convictions.  She had to remain steadfast. Unaware that he was busy studying her from a distance, he learned her name and the classes she attended, where she stayed, and her circles. Her English teacher Ms. Ntuli loved to challenge her students, and from time to time, she'll invite either seniors or students from other classes to participate in a debate of her choice or do poetry reading. Pearl was not necessarily fond of debates but would participate as required. Instead, she loved and excelled in poetry. Sizwe learned about this, and only later did he confess to having requested to be part of the poetry team against Pearl's team, so that he could get closer to her space. Pearl loved challenges, and with every topic, she'd spend a lot of time preparing, writing, researching and re-writing so that she can be ready. With the final challenge, she took second place. Even with the efforts to invade her space, he found it incredibly difficult to connect to her; she just couldn't give him the light of day.

The Needlework was part of the curriculum, and most female students would take lessons, participate, and present projects to complement their quarterly and year-end marks. Needlework lessons were aimed at exposing learners to various sewing techniques by hand and machine; like sewing in a button, backstitching, hemming, and using various materials to create beautiful pieces from wool to plastic; from making a shirt to a floor mat, and they'd advance as they progressed in higher classes. The school only had six sewing machines, and students had to take turns to use them. Pearl was grouped with the students who attended Friday afternoon sewing classes. Though she was not too excited about the subject, Pearl followed the lessons and completed all her needlework projects in time. Pearl’s mother once owned a vintage sewing machine, so she’d teach her girls the basics and allowed them to practice sewing, pattern cutting, and taught them crocheting and hand sewing. Learning the basics of sewing, knitting, and crocheting from her mother put her at an advantage. She progressed very well and sometimes took it upon herself to help some of the girls who seemed to struggle in class.            

Pearl was making her way to her needlework class one Friday afternoon when suddenly, from the crowd, a girl called out her name. When she turned to look, a girl was making her way hastily towards her. Pearl recognized her from one of the debate sessions. The girl was part of the group of seniors who were advocating for pregnant students to be expelled until after birth. Pearl remembered the hall filled to capacity for the first time. The topic, maybe due to its controversial nature, seemed to have attracted many students for different reasons. Not many students participated in school debates, and some, if they couldn’t find the best reason to skip, like suddenly falling ill that day, they would only participate as part of the curriculum. For those who enjoyed and understood its purpose, they gained more than learning how to present and win a case, but to communicate and master effective listening skills. Debating teams were encouraged to work together and do thorough research before the sessions. Rhandzu was the lead advocate of the opposing team. It took Pearl a moment to put a name on the face of the girl rushing towards her.

The girl introduced herself as Rhandzu and discreetly handed Pearl an envelope with her name written on it. The girl asked Pearl to hide it and read it only when she was alone and to please respond. She said that she would fetch the response the following day. It was only after Rhandzu had left that Pearl recalled the two events she saw her; once during the debate and also at choir practice. Rhandzu used to sit with the same group at the far end of the hall and watched the choir practice.

Pearl went into the classroom but couldn't really focus. She kept wondering where the letter came from. Though deep inside, she knew where it could have come from, but hoped it wasn't true. She didn't think he could be as bold; also, she didn't give him her name. Well, she thought to herself, maybe he might have asked around, but why would he go to such lengths? She also thought of the many girls at the school; popular, beautiful, those who come from well-off families, with better life experiences, girls who were taught and knew things she didn't, so, why oh why would he be bothering her? She couldn't shake the feeling that she was right, and decided not to open the letter. She was simply not interested in entertaining yet another boy, with the same intentions as any other high school boy. Although this one could be tricky because he sent a messenger, but as much as the law of nature protects a messenger, Pearl had to find a way to stop this, and she would make her position using the same messenger. She decided to give the letter back to Rhandzu unopened. With that decision, Pearl seemed to have managed the rest of the school periods and focused on school work without thinking about the letter. Going home became overwhelming for her. The thought of being handed the letter discreetly kept popping up in her mind. She tried hard to keep herself occupied but nothing helped. The walk home became exhausting for her.

Letters were popular then, especially those expressing deep feelings of affection to someone. Girls would be excited to receive such love letters, but Pearl's reaction was different. The thought of receiving a love letter frightened her. She tried very hard to ignore what happened, but her mind kept going back to that time when she was handed an envelope. She kept wondering who could have written her the letter. Deep down she knew, but she kept dismissing the idea that anyone could genuinely be interested in her. She refused to nurse the notion that someone could find her as attractive that they’d waste their time and resources to try and connect to her.

Although she’d decided how to handle the situation, but her heart couldn’t allow her to commit to it. She found herself going back and forth reviewing the decisions and questions she didn’t even have answers to. She had to manage the situation before she got home or raise any suspicions from people around her. Trying to calm herself down, she then convinced herself that anyone could have sent her the letter not necessarily him. After a long confusing debate with her mind, Pearl decided that she’d open the letter and read it. Should it so happen that the letter came from him then she’d just erase what she read in her mind, reseal the envelope and send it back to him. With all the thoughts and decisions clouding her space, she became desperate but then she convinced herself that the content could be something completely different.  She was irritated at herself for allowing this particular letter to bother and disturb her space. It wasn’t the first time for her to receive a letter or any note from a boy anyway. What bothered Pearl the most was that compared to any of the previous letters and notes, it was difficult for her to ignore or discard this one. She couldn’t understand why she allowed herself to worry about the contents of this small white envelope. She stopped as if to pick up something on the ground, discreetly took out the envelope and looked at it, and for a second, she thought of throwing it