Thirty Synchronized Woodpeckers: Microbiographies, #5

By Amanda Blackwood

"I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard at a book. It took someone like Blackwood to make it real. She's truly become the expert on writing about real life events."  
- Aubrey Sanguine, LAlien Magazine

 

Get ready to laugh as one hilarious flight attendant gets into the swing of things her first year on the job. True stories collected together make this all the more delightful, whether you're traveling for business or waiting for your holiday to start. From speaking in foreign accents to falling into random laps, the laughs are never ending.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amanda Blackwood
• Release date: Aug 8, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201679750

Book preview

T   H   I   R   T   Y

SYNCHRONIZED

WOODPECKERS

By Amanda Blackwood

Fun fact:

A woodpecker's tongue is so incredibly long that it wraps around the inside of the skull.  Some incredibly strong muscles, sponge-like bones in the skull, and cerebrospinal fluid all wrapped by that powerful tongue help to prevent major brain trauma.  You see, the woodpecker will bang away at a tree with over 1,000g of force. Without that extra protection, they might be just as loopy as some of the people mentioned in this book.  

FOREWORD

Everyone knows the airline industry is filled with stories. We've all seen movies involving passengers and travel adventures. There are comedies, dramas, romantic movies, and even the occasional children's film. I'm sure from time to time people wonder how much of the story is actually based on reality.  Well, I can probably guarantee it's far more based on fact then anyone’s imagination. Quite honestly, I've collected so many of my own stories on the job as a flight attendant that not all of them made it into this book, and somehow I managed to finish writing more than I needed before I even had one full year on the job.

The airline industry has its ups and downs (pardon the pun).  Sometimes I work with crews I adore and have many laughs with them.  Other times I depend completely on the passengers for my daily giggle.  Many people may never know they were the inspiration for a chapter of a book, and a few might actually read the book and realize by the end that they were the passenger or crew member who inspired hundreds of people to laugh.

Welcome to Thirty Synchronized Woodpeckers.

Let me start by explaining where the title came from...

THIRTY SYNCHRONIZED WOODPECKERS

I was barely out of training when a captain I was flying with wanted to see how much of a laugh he could get out of me.  He somehow heard a nasty rumor that if I laughed too hard, I would snort. It was one of very few ways to embarrass me. He made it his personal mission.

I had been one of two flight attendants on board a 66 passenger CRJ-700 Aircraft headed for Eugene, Oregon.  There had been a few issues with the flight, beginning with a delay out of Los Angeles.  Eugene was a fairly small airport so we were not too terribly concerned with connecting passengers, but the second we landed, the seatbelts started flying out into the aisles.  We made repeated announcements requesting that people remain seated with their seatbelts fastened, but thanks to the modern technology of smartphones, nobody really listened to the flight attendant announcements anymore. Smart phones had successfully reduced the human race to appear stupid, and we were boldly ignored.

We pulled up to the gate, got everyone off the plane and headed to the hotel for the night. I had never been to the state of Oregon before that day and I was completely mesmerized. It was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. At the hotel, all four of the crewmembers (the two pilots, the other flight attendant and I) decided to meet down at the restaurant for a quick lunch. 

Have you flown the Bro yet, the first officer randomly asked me.

The Bro? 

Yeah, that's one of our nicknames for the EMB-120, rather than calling it the Brasilia. It's much shorter to say and almost everyone in the industry knows what it means.

No, I responded, but I really want to.  I had learned all about the tiny plane while in training. The smallest of the fleet, it was a 30 passenger propeller plane that held my fascination since I first saw its image. It was a part of real aviation history. 

Then I can't imagine you know anything about the 30 synchronized woodpeckers yet, the captain joined the conversation as he approached the table. I'm sure I looked quite bewildered. I glanced at the other flight attendant sitting beside me who had a very similar expression. Obviously I wasn't the only one. In perfect unison we responded.

Thirty what??

Thirty synchronized woodpeckers, the captain said again with a smirk. I let my mouth form the words without actually vocalizing them. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue.

Back when I was new to the company, about 18 years ago, the captain began, "I was a fairly new first officer with the company.  I was flying the bro. The captain I was with on one particular trip was a really senior guy who had been flying the bro for years.  One day he asked me if I had ever seen 30 synchronized woodpeckers. I bet I had the exact same look on my face that you had just now when I asked you. I had no idea what that was.

'Well,' he said to me, 'if you get up and look through the little window in the flight deck door, I'll show you.' So I got up out of my seat and I looked through the little window. We were rolling down the taxiway heading for takeoff. He should have warned me.   His eyes twinkled at the mischievous memory and a smirk grew on his normally solemn face.  Suddenly he started tapping on the brakes - only once at first, but then again and again in a steady rhythm. Pretty soon, all 30 heads in the back of the cabin were jerking forward and bouncing.  He had paused to demonstrate what the jerking heads looked like, somehow seeming much more like a head banging grandfather at a rock concert.  Unfortunately, so was mine!  I ended up with a cut over my eyebrow and a bruise I kept for a week, but, Man, it was worth it!  All four of us laughed until we hurt.  

I knew that day I had heard something quite remarkable and somehow it would impact my life. To this day, I've never seen 30 synchronized woodpeckers, but the image in my head is more than enough.

To me, Thirty Synchronized Woodpeckers is far more than just a practical joke some senior pilot pulled on his unknowing passengers and unsuspecting first officer. It's more about all the men and women in the entirety of the plane, the funny things they do, and the humor found in everyday situations in this crazy, wild, fun adventure called the airline industry.

THE SECOND ROW

Unlike the first story, the majority of pilots quite often miss the hilarious antics that go on just beyond the flight deck door. They don’t get to see the hilarity that ensues.  However, once in a while, they actually end up the focus of all attention.

In the airline industry, there are many pilots and flight attendants that commute from other cities. When they hop on a flight and catch a ride in an empty seat, it's called a jump-seat or a Non-rev depending on the circumstances.  (Non-rev actually is a shortened version of the term non-revenue space available passenger.) It's quite common to have several Non-revs aboard a single flight.

One day, when I first started flying on the infamous ‘Bro’ from the last story, I had a total of eight people on the plane. The first two rows were completely empty, and a very handsome pilot who worked for my airline was sitting alone in the third row. I knew that as soon I was able to get out of my jump seat I wanted to go talk to him. I had been warned several times by several people never to date a pilot, and up until that moment I heeded the warnings. But there was something about that 6'2" dark haired man with blue eyes the color of a twilight sky. I didn't care what he did for a living; I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to flirt with him.

Of course, I haven't been a shy person for a great many years. I can talk to just about anyone I want to talk to. In fact, I think that’s a prerequisite for becoming a flight attendant.  (If it’s not, it should be.)  I don't get embarrassed easily.  He wasn't wearing a wedding ring; a little harmless, innocent flirting wouldn't do any damage to anyone.  Or so I thought.  I knew there had been a reason I wore my skirt that day. I always had nice legs.

When I got the signal from the captain, I did my announcement and escaped my jump-seat harness. I planned to walk to the second row and sit on the armrest so I could