The Slimebag Project

By Des Sousa

Ever heard of the Blair Witch Project? So did Pitcher. Pitcher believes the myths and now she wants to make her own microbudget movie.

Unfortunately, the local venture capitalist is only interested in tech start-ups. Worse than that, Pitcher is incredibly lazy and refuses to even skim through the book that an entrepreneur recommends about film finance.

But when Pitcher's father starts losing his battle with cancer, he makes a request that might help the young filmmaker achieve her dreams. With the help of her ditsy best friend, her depressed aunt, and a rag tag group of wannabe filmmakers she meets at a festival, Pitcher aims to accomplish the impossible.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Des Sousa
• Release date: Dec 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005122706

Des Sousa

As a child, Des Sousa skipped the "about the author" pages and went straight to the stories. I suggest you do the same. But, curious minds are welcome to read along, if you like. More detailed snippets about his life are covered in the "about the author" pages of Sousa's books.Des Sousa loved to watch films from a young age and spent many years as an independent filmmaker. Sousa used to walk into a festival not knowing what it was, just because a film was there. Sousa heard filmmakers of all kinds, from political to artistic to purely commercial, tell about how they made their movies. Hearing these stories inspired "The Slimebag Project."Sousa lived in five countries. The first two may appear in later plays. The third, and strangest, was the United Kingdom.Des Sousa's first job in the UK was trainee hairdresser. No, things were not as violent as they are in "Rinsed In Blood", but the clients liked to gossip and the friendly atmosphere inspired the character interaction. Unfortunately, he left that job due to an illness. (What illness could prevent you from cutting hair? Well, warts. No one wants to give those to customers when you wash their heads, now do they?).Sousa also tried web design for a time. And running his own companies, trying to make films, taking photos, even designing websites for clients, and getting locked in a noisy underground office, helped inform him of the world behind "Under Quiet Neath."

Book preview

Ever heard of the Blair Witch Project? So did Pitcher. Pitcher believes the myths and now she wants to make her own microbudget movie.

Unfortunately, the local venture capitalist is only interested in tech start-ups. Worse than that, Pitcher is incredibly lazy and refuses to even skim through the book that an entrepreneur recommends about film finance.

Most movies begin with the script (except for documentaries, which begin with a question). However, Pitcher is determined to start with a budget. She wants to make a film for the same amount as her favourite horror film.

A wise old entrepreneur tries to explain how things really work, but Pitcher won't have any of it. Not until her father is hospitalised.

But when Pitcher's father discovers that his cancer is terminal, he becomes determined to help her achieve her dreams.

Dad convinces Pitcher to go to the local film festival and discover what other filmmakers really do. She does and there she enlists a rag tag group of filmmakers to her movie project. Unfortunately, that gang includes Maya, an arrogant festival winner and an A-class hypocrite who tries to improve (or ruin) the film to promote Maya's vision.

Can Pitcher and her dying father save the production before it's too late? And what are the devil and a giant, walking roll of toilet paper doing at the film festival?

WARNING: This script may contain a cameo for the ghost of Ed Wood.

CAST LIST

The old hats

BERTRAND - a middle aged entrepreneur dying of lung disease.

DOINA - housewife of Bertrand.

AUNT PADMA - Bertrand’s sister who runs a film festival.

DOCTOR ASLAN - the best doctor in town.

JAMES - a dead filmmaker.

ED WOOD - another dead filmmaker.

THE DEVIL - a volunteer and DJ at the film festival.

A JOURNALIST.

The Crew

PITCHER - an aspiring film producer.

MAYA - a big-shot director.

JULIE - Pitcher’s best friend who dropped out of film school.

JANICE - a cinematographer.

IVANA - a director and assistant director.

HUGH - a director and editor.

DINARA – busiest person on the set, with a complicated job.

An ACTOR.

An ACTRESS.

And two human-sized, walking ROLLS of TOILET PAPER (one of each gender.)

Production Notes

The story only references smoking. Absolutely no lit cigarettes, no fumes leaving the actors’ mouths, and no other forms of smoke or vape should be used in the performance. (In the last scene, perhaps a steam or dry ice for the smoke effect, but don’t set the actors on fire, please.)

The closest thing to a smoking scene is when Pitcher tries to light a cigarette, the second when Maya plays with a corn puff. Any real smoking would diminish the impact of these. Preferably, the entire cast and crew will be non-smokers.

The setting is the fictional country of Pavdonia, in an international city with a lot of nationalities. This can be changed to your own country or city for comic effect.

These notes may be read by the characters in the beginning of the first scene, when we can’t hear them anyway. They can also be a rhubarb elephant for background characters to say during any scene.

ACT 1, The Pitch

Scene 1 – IN BERTRAND’S OFFICE

We join in mid-conversation. At first, we cannot hear that conversation. Just a din, the type of dizzy sound that illustrates how you might feel if you were having a heart attack or a stroke.

An older man and a young woman, each think they are better than the other; just slightly better, however. The younger one, Pitcher, has energy and an education, she feels her generation knows better than the old timers. But she doesn’t have the money to pursue her ambitions, so she still feels that she must prove herself, despite her unwavering confidence in her ideas.

Bertrand, the older one, has money and experience, but is modest about it. This is his office, but she helped to build it and stack the bookshelves; so, they are both at home here.

Bertrand always wears an ironed suit to impress others. He left school at 16 because he had to work, and it is only because he already invested so much in Pitcher that he would consider listening to this spoiled brat. But Bertrand taught this brat well and has trouble asserting authority.

Coughing, the older man seems to be falling, dizzy. The younger woman helps him up, but her help is not wanted.

He sits up, acts like nothing is wrong.

PITCHER

I don't get it, we showed you the numbers.

BERTRAND

You showed me that you know nothing about business.

PITCHER

The numbers are there, 5k for cast, 5k for crew...

BERTRAND

Look, who do you think would invest in your idea, other than your Aunt Padma?

PITCHER

People who want to make a profit, like with The Blair Witch Project.

BERTRAND

Blair Witch raised 300k.

PITCHER

No, I heard its shooting budget was 20k.

BERTRAND

That’s a myth. Well, a half myth created to sell the movie.

PITCHER

How does that make people want to see a movie?

BERTRAND

If three film students spent all their money on camera rental and film stock, it would cost 20k. That was the cost of several days in the woods. But the movie cost 300k.

PITCHER

Okay, so where did the other 280k go?

BERTRAND

The fact that you don’t know that shows me that you are not a professional.

PITCHER

Can you give me a hint?

He takes a book from the shelf.

BERTRAND

Here, a book on film budgeting.

PITCHER

I don’t have time for books.

BERTRAND

What's the matter, can't you read?

PITCHER

Hey, that’s not nice.

BERTRAND

I'm even less likely to invest in your stupid movie now.

PITCHER

Why? A lot of dyslexic people are great artists.

BERTRAND

If you can't read, then you haven't even written a screenplay.

PITCHER

So, I'll get one of my mates to do it.

BERTRAND

And so, you won't pay him?

PITCHER

He will do it for an IMDB credit. And a copy of the DVD, footage for a demo reel.

BERTRAND

If you are a Slimebag to your friends, how much worse will you treat your investors?

PITCHER

Good point. I’ll budget 200 quid for a script.

BERTRAND

For a feature? Do you have any idea how long it takes to write a screenplay?

PITCHER

Okay, 500.

BERTRAND

You want this script to be good, don’t you?

PITCHER

What is the absolute least I could pay the screenwriter?

BERTRAND

It depends on the country, and the language. The cheapest I've seen for a feature in English is one thousand US dollars, if you're hiring a Bangladeshi on freelancer dot com. But I wouldn’t trust that it isn't plagiarised, at that price.

PITCHER

Well, I can't pay the screenwriter more than the star.

BERTRAND

You really know zip all about business.

PITCHER

What?

BERTRAND

Why does the star need to even know how much you pay the screenwriter?

PITCHER

But in Blair Witch...

BERTRAND

How many times do I have to tell you? That was only the stinking on-location shooting budget. It