Inside Out

By Emem Bassey

Once upon a time, two monarchs from different kingdoms decide to switch their adult daughters with the hope of curbing their inherent character flaws.

Nkoyo, princess of Efik Kingdom, is impetuously problematic, spoilt, and unruly. Wofai, princess of Atam Kingdom, feels easily threatened and has temper issues. So, she screams as a way of expressing her anger.

Will this ridiculous plan save two princesses from themselves?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Love Africa Press
• Release date: Dec 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9780463065211

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First Published in Great Britain in 2021 by

LOVE AFRICA PRESS

103 Reaver House, 12 East Street, Epsom KT17 1HX

www.loveafricapress.com

Text copyright © Emem Bassey, 2021

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

The right of Emem Bassey to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Also available in paperback format

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

It's no secret that I love God. But He loves me more as be never fails to charge my muse, my health, my spirit and general wellbeing. I'm always grateful to the Creator for giving me a smidgeon of His powers to write these stories.

My utmost respect goes to Kiru Taye and Love Africa Press. You and this entity aren't just work and partnership. it has become a family that I'm grateful to belong.

More thanks go to Peter Bassey, partner extraordinaire. Your help and support cannot be overemphasized. Thank you for being my friend.

And to the entire crew who made this beautiful book possible, you're appreciated.

To the readers, thank you so much for making my stories important.

DEDICATION

To Mr. Chibuzo Ogbonna (aka Mr. Noble of Lagos Convo). You were the first to pay for my stories. You encouraged me to make it my main side hustle. Without your push, I would not have believed I'd ever gain from my writing.

BLURB

Once upon a time, two monarchs from different kingdoms decided to switch their adult daughters with the hope of curbing their inherent character flaws.

Nkoyo, princess of Efik Kingdom, is impetuously problematic, spoilt, and unruly. Wofai, princess of Atam Kingdom, feels easily threatened and has temper issues. So, she screams as a way of expressing her anger.

Will this ridiculous plan save two princesses from themselves?

1

Stories about kings and kingdoms are made so regal they tend to seem inhuman.

When I come across them, I wonder if these royals defecate at all or make simple mistakes. When they make mistakes, I've noticed that words like ‘royal oversight’ and ‘pardons’ are thrown about as though that makes everything better. In my opinion, they don’t.

At this moment, you are wondering — who, the hell, is this with an opinion?

I am the spirit of gossip. I am Gossip.

I’m everywhere a story is. I’m spectral and can be anywhere I please at any time. My chosen name is Kedei, which means Love. I’m aware I’m not human enough to need a name but humour me.

Don’t worry. I’ve noticed the irony of my name too. But it isn’t so wrong for me to have such a lovely name. After all, I do love telling tales.

Let’s start this like any good old folk tale…

Once upon a time, in 2016, two kingdoms existed—the Efik kingdom and the Atam kingdom.

Imagine these kingdoms with all the amenities available in 2016. They are separated by, at most, twenty kilometres, which is not considered a considerable distance by car.

But I digress. Forgive me.

The Efik kingdom is situated by the sea. Whether we believe it or not, there are still deities and people who worship them. I even have my own followership, but that’s not the story here. Let’s continue.

The empire by the sea is prosperous. Their women are plump and beautiful, with skins almost smoother than a baby’s buttocks – well, a baby not suffering from heat rash.

Wait.

I’m not sure I’m good at storytelling. Gossip is more my forte. And in gossiping, my opinions always come to bear.

In that light, I want to point out that there isn’t such a kingdom carrying only beautiful women with smooth skins and adorable attitudes. Those kinds of attributes are only attainable in cartoons. And even in comics, there’s always the anomaly.

In my opinion, some of the women are plump and beautiful but also arrogant. These bitches behave as though they’re God’s gift to men. Who does that? Arrogance can be tamed with schooling and home training, so no problem there.

Did I shock you? I’m sorry. Try to ignore my outburst sometimes. I’m cousins with the spirit of jealousy, and we are so close I tend to display some of her qualities.

Let’s continue. The king and queen of the Efik Kingdom got together in carnal knowledge of themselves. You know what I mean. I don’t need to ply you with that information. After several enjoyable tries, they made a daughter.

Being born into royalty, wealth, silver spoon and golden cup, their daughter takes on an air of entitlement.

This princess is so conceited. I believe she must have snatched the feature from twenty other people. I worry that there are people out there without an atom of pride or self-esteem because Princess Nkoyo of the Efik Kingdom amassed it all.

As a child, she threw impressive temper tantrums that left everyone at the palace wrecked and in need of a sanctuary. So, whatever she needed was given to her for peace’s sake. And as she grew, she became worse but not in the tantrum kind of way.

As an adult, the princess regards herself as a sophisticated royal lady. As such, she demands things be done her way, no matter how ridiculously frivolous it seems.

The only person she cannot entirely control is her fiancé, the prince of Ibibio Kingdom. He has an ego the size of Africa. He is the only person whose arrogance surpasses Nkoyo’s. No wonder they clicked and agreed to marry, with grand hopes of becoming a power couple, ruling both kingdoms as they see fit.

I fear for that day. I hope it never comes.

As an only child, the princess had been pampered. She grew with the mindset that it’s her privilege to be wasteful if she so desires. Now twenty-five years old, she makes everybody at the palace miserable with her outrageous demands, the king and queen included.

Nkoyo’s typical day begins with a hired guitarist by her bedside specifically instructed to strum the strings softly with the tune of Celine Dion’s New Day. At the sound, she wakes with a smile and stretches her muscles in slow motion. By the way, her parents – the monarchs – don’t get this kind of treatment.

I told you before, she’s a tyrant.

It’s as simple as that.

I count it unfortunate the day she discovers the car washer has skills with the guitar. It is his bane as she instructs him to play for her waking pleasure every morning, without considering that nobody else will do the poor guy’s chores. Then, of course, when he gets in trouble with the king because his car isn’t washed promptly, the princess is there to make comments like:

You can never trust the help these days.

So lazy, why do we even pay them, father?

They have no concept of time.

It’s not his fault. He’s just an illiterate who doesn’t understand how important your work is.

It is a terrible time for the car washer, I must say, but what could he do? It’s not like he could report the princess to her father. Anyway, back to her ridiculous waking-up routine, I don’t want to miss that part in the gist.

So, after her slow stretch and the song ends, she regally sits up in bed, leisurely looking left and right at the line of palace workers waiting to carry out her demands.

Can you imagine it? Hakeem, in the movie Coming To America, had more money in the bank than this lady. What will she do if she ever gets that wealthy?

Good morning, your highness, the workers chorus, curtseying and rushing over to pull down her bed cover. Feathered velvet slippers are arranged attentively, and someone tenderly grabs each foot to fit into the slipper.

You get the idea.

Princess Nkoyo is a pampered, tyrannical bitch!

That’s my opinion, and you can tweet it.

I’m so angry right now. I don’t want to go into the details of her bathing ritual. For one, the maids dress her. As in, she just stands there, deigning only to lift her limbs into the dress. Afterwards, she sashays regally to the dining table, where she expects another worker to stand by her chair the whole time she’s eating.

Why are you standing there? Don’t you have chores to perform? the queen asks once she notices the presence of the poor servant, who has been following each spoon as it traverses space into the mouth.

Of course, there is no reply. What can the pitiable man say? That the princess wants him there?

Let him be, mother, Nkoyo finally answers without lifting her regal head.

The queen turns to her daughter, expecting an explanation, while the king continues shoving his food into his mouth. The man doesn’t have time for his daughter’s shenanigans. He has a council meeting to attend.

Well? she prods.

Nkoyo sighs in exasperation. As if her mother, the queen, is a bothersome child. He is there because I might need something while eating, and he will get it for me.

Something like what? And what’s wrong with your legs? the queen is incensed at this point.

Mother, these things happen, you know, and it is expected. After all, I am the princess. A privilege of birth no one can take from me. The workers should feel blessed to cater for my whims, she replies succinctly.

The queen shares a horrified stare with her husband. Then, as though communicating telepathically with the king, she thinks – my love, we’ve created a monster. What are we going to do?

The king also looks dismayed at his daughter’s explanation. Meeting his wife’s gaze, he shakes his head and thinks – I don’t know what we’re going to do with her. We’ll talk when I get back.

I have to make this point. Even though their thoughts seem symmetrical, they can’t really communicate mentally. This is merely a coincidence occurring between two people who’ve been married for a long time.

The king sighs and stands, ready to leave for the meeting. His wife rises with him and hugs him, sending him off with loving murmurs, which I’m not going to relay.

The princess is also expected to send her dad off with a warm goodbye.

No, not Nkoyo.

See you later, father, she says and gives him a nod, as though she is the queen and her father, the king, a lowly serf.

The king, of course, returns his shocked gaze to his wife. Indeed, we’ve created a monster, he thinks. And the wife’s mouth curves wryly with widened eyes that clearly states, I told you so.

At the end of the day, when the palace shuts down for the night, and the king and queen are finally alone in their bedroom’s sanctuary, they don’t talk about Nkoyo.

Other pressing matters affect the kingdom, like the excess wealth—crops, jewels, and money—to be managed.

The chiefs all want the status quo, Affy, and I don’t know if I can change their minds, he complains.

But you changed mine, Asuquo, the queen says, caressing her husband’s chest in a bid to relax his tight muscles and relay her love for him.

Asuquo, king of Efik Kingdom, looks down at his plump and wholesome wife. Her expression immediately calms his worry. When she smiles at him, he lowers his head and…you don’t need a blow-by-blow account of this. They are king and queen, for crying aloud.

So, while Asuquo and Affy, their majesties, get their freak on, let me expatiate on the matters worrying the king.

You see, as a land blessed abundantly, Efik has so much unmanaged, unknown, and known wealth. The monies are identified because the federal government pays specific allocations to the kingdom. The wharf sends in its profits, and gains are gotten from international relations. As a nation by the sea, with a waterfront, trade routes open to the Efik kingdom.

Food stocks aren’t a problem because they trade with the Atam Kingdom – the farming and food produce leaders.

Asuquo’s problem rises from undocumented resources. He doesn’t know if the influx is increasing or reducing. Therefore, it is challenging to detect an oncoming recession or embezzlement. He lacks the luck of Joseph in the bible. Still, common sense paired with academic knowledge reveals this epiphany of a need for management to him.

The chiefs don’t like it. Of course, they wouldn’t. People who love lawlessness are people who progress in such a state. The heads amass wealth for themselves while the masses suffer because appropriate channels to evenly distribute the wealth do not exist.

And the king wants to create these distribution channels because he is a fair monarch who hates lawlessness and cheating. Therefore, he wants everyone to have a fair share of the abundance. But a question sends him back into his shell. Who is qualified enough to take up this herculean task?

For now, the king and queen are asleep with blissful smiles.

I’m also tired since I’ve been talking all day. So, let’s continue this gossip tomorrow. I so can’t wait.

2

Good morning to you.

There are so many perks and advantages for me as a spectral. I don’t have to bathe, brush, or worry about my looks. I love the spirit form.

So, where was I? Yes, I remember.

Even though other super important matters bother the monarchs of Efik land, plus the decadent relaxation they had last night, a mother is still a mother. Affy, short for Affiong, has not entirely forgotten about the abhorrent attitude of their only child.

The queen leaves her bed and her husband’s warmth early enough to have a heart to heart with her daughter.

She brushes her teeth and takes her bath. You know women. She proceeds to dress casually, but nothing stops her from applying some light makeup. By the time she saunters towards her daughter’s room, the guitarist is playing the wake-up tune of Celine Dion’s New Day.

Affy is a follower of modern trends. Although she wasn’t in her prime when this song was released, still, she knows about it and loves it. So, on hearing the strumming guitar, she is curious to discover if her daughter has a new hobby of playing a musical classic on a guitar.

Smiling, she hurries in without knocking, hoping to be pleasantly shocked that her daughter can play the guitar.

Oh, she is shocked but not the pleasant kind.

Affy is appalled at what she sees of Nkoyo’s morning routine.

Yes, the king and queen hadn’t been aware of their daughter’s daybreak ritual.

Now Affy understands why the king’s car is never thoroughly washed and ready for the monarch’s departures.

The workers look dazed and frozen in place, unsure of what to do. However, I can tell you that most of them are glad the queen is now aware of her daughter’s uniqueness.

The above word is someone else’s phrase. To me, it’s her daughter’s callousness.

Speechlessly, she swivels and escapes to the solace of her bedroom and her husband’s arms.

What is it, my love?

Asuquo, it is worse than we thought. Our daughter is something worse than a monster. How did this happen? she sobs.

The king isn’t one to bear his wife’s tears. So, he holds her tenderly until she can relay what she witnessed. Then, they summon the cook who commands all the palace workers. She confirms their daughter’s routine has been going on for almost a year.

The cook then reveals what even I have been too ashamed to tell you. And you know I am Gossip. I have no shame. But there you have it. My mouth is too heavy to say it. Still, it has to be said.

Princess Nkoyo commissioned one of the maids to shave her privates.

Scandalous, right?

The cook looks almost—emphasis on the word almost—gleeful while reporting this depraved piece of news. I don’t blame her, though. She must have wanted to say something for so long. However, no one who values their work at the palace will go around telling tales about the princess to her parents.

What do we do now? Affy asks, trepidation clearly written on her face. As a good person, she can’t understand how her daughter became so conceited.

Should we send her abroad, maybe to Russia where it’s bitterly cold?

Yes, the king actually asked that stupid question. I know, he’s a human being, and he’s allowed to be dumb on certain days, like today when he’s at his wit's end. Still, I roll my eyes and wonder, who that one help?

His wife must be thinking the same thing from the incredulous look she gives him. But, Asuquo, darling, if the cook says this attitude is almost a year old, it must have been around the time she returned from France.

Asuquo nods. That’s true. I recall when I asked why she walks stiffly and elongates her neck. She said it was how royalty walked abroad and that it wasn’t stiff but regal.

What are we going to do? Affy asks again and seems close to tears.

The king sighs heavily, his shoulders slump. I have absolutely no idea.

I’m sorry, I know they are miserable, but I can’t just stop laughing at the funny picture they make. Anyway, enough about the Efik kingdom, let’s go root out gist about the Atam kingdom. This is so much fun.

***

The Atam Kingdom is mostly about massive farming and food processing. Then, they transport these foods to other kingdoms, like the Efik