Managing Differences in Intercultural Relationships and Parenting: Lived Experiences of Real Intercultural Families

By Dr. Dharam Bhugun

The growth of immigration, social diversity and advances in global technology have contributed to increased cultural exchange in human relationships and eventually an increase in intercultural marriages and relationships worldwide. This book focuses on the discourses of mi

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookTrail Publishing
• Release date: Oct 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637675205

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Copyright © 2021 Dr. Dharam Bhugun

Paperback: 978-1-63767-519-9

eBook: 978-1-63767-520-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021920246

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

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Contents

Chapter 1:   Introduction

Key Terms

My role as the Researcher

Outline of the Book

Chapter 2:   International issues about Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

Culture and Cross-Cultural Interactions

Acculturation

Reverse Acculturation

Transnational context

Historical and Theoretical Conceptualisations of Parenting

Parenting

Changes in Theoretical Conceptualization of Parenting

Assumptions about Parenting

Cultural Influences on Parenting

Parenting Styles and Practices

The Intercultural Couple

The Transcultural Family

Theoretical Assumptions about Intercultural Parenting

Conflicts and Challenges over Child-Rearing for Intercultural Couples

Negotiation and Resolution of Intercultural Parenting Conflicts

Strengths and Opportunities of Intercultural Marriage and Parenting

Conclusion

Chapter 3:   Intercultural Relationship and Parenting in the Australian Context

Anglo-Australian History and Parenting Culture

Case Studies

Chapter 4:   Cultures Interactive Process in Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

Cultural Identity

Individual identity

Identity as a couple

Children’s cultural identity

Parent identity

Religious identity

Challenges for intercultural couples and parents

Culture Shock

Racism and Marriage Disapproval

Cultural Values and Customs

Gender Roles and Beliefs

Language and Communication

Similarities and Differences in Parenting Practices

Similarities

Differences

Contextual Influences

Environment

Extended family

Friends

Personality and individuality

Transnational processes

Benefits and Opportunities of Intercultural Parenting

Benefits to Parent Couples

Benefits to children

Summary of Cultures Interactive Process in Intercultural Relationships and parenting

Chapter 5:    Power Relations and Reverse Acculturation/Enculturation

Power Relations

Righteousness and Privilege of Truth

Language and Communication

Gender Influences

Outsider/Insider status

Reverse Acculturation/Enculturation

Valuing Ethnic Heritage and Host Culture

Reciprocal Acculturation/Enculturation

Global Culture

Shift towards Authoritative Parenting Style

Summary of Power Relations and Reverse Acculturation

Chapter 6:   Tips for Managing Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

Individual Sphere

Respect

Flexibility

Patience and perseverance

Acceptance, tolerance, and open-mindedness

Open-Mindedness

Couple’s/Parents’ Sphere

Communication

Compromise

Sphere of influence

Asymmetric decision-making

Cultural literacy and embracing partner’s culture.

Having a plan

Preparedness for minority feelings

Child’s Sphere

Children’s culture

Listening and respecting children

Encouraging multiculturalism

Consistency with parenting

Teaching values to children

Summary of Tips for managing Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

Chapter 7:   Conclusion

References

LIST OF FIGURES

Fig. 1.1 Research participants demographic

Figure 6.1: Tips for Managing Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

LIST OF TABLES

Table 4.1: Main Themes Identified from Data Analysis

Table 4.2 Theme1, Sub-themes and descriptions regarding cultures interactive process

Table 5.1: Themes 2, 3, sub-Themes and descriptions regarding power relations and reverse acculturation.

Managing Differences in Intercultural Relationships and Parenting

I think you have to make compromises to be both happy. Obviously being from two different cultures and places, you do have to work towards what’s best for the relationship and the children.

__Tammy, Research Participant, Australia

Some moderation between adhering to your values and some education about the different culture would provide the child with opportunities to relate better with the parents because they’ve got an equal acceptance and understanding of both cultures so there’s an equal appreciation there of each parent.

__ Naomi, Research Participant, Australia

I thought it was going to be hard. She was not from Africa. But she learned how to cook African and expressed an interest in my culture, sort of respecting one another… I grew up in a very traditional African way, but I have come extremely far, as well. I respect and believe in equality between man and a woman.

__ Manuel, Research Participant, Australia

It is an opportunity to celebrate that diversity and then you see your child just flourishing within that culture that they live in. I want our son to know that he is from two cultures, to respect, and feel comfortable with both. And it is the way we relate and interact with each other that he will see and will have no problems with being with both cultures and be confident in both cultures".

__ Simla, Research Participant, Australia

It is important for intercultural couples and parents to learn and embrace their partner’s culture. By educating and immersing themselves into their partner’s culture, intercultural couples can have firsthand experience of the internal cultural dynamics of the other culture and understand why their partners operate and behave in certain ways.

__Dharam Bhugun, PhD., MSW., M.M., DSS.,

Psychosocial Therapist, Queensland, Australia

Dr Dharam Bhugun

Realistic Counselling

Gold Coast, Australia.

Southern Cross University

Gold Coast, Australia

Griffith University

Gold Coast, Australia.

University of Queensland

Brisbane, Australia.

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my late mother and father who believed in my human capital and taught me good social, moral, and spiritual values; my beautiful children Ireena, Vick, Yasmin, Geiorgie, and grandchildren Jasmine, Evelyn, Dylan, Darcy, and Tyson for inspiring my academic journey; all my friends who encouraged and supported my book endeavour; and my angel wife Helen, for her loving and unconditional support.

Acknowledgements

I would like to acknowledge and appreciate the number of people who made this research journey possible.

First and foremost, I thank the lovely volunteer intercultural couples who gave up their precious time to be part of this study. Their stories and lived experiences of intercultural parenting and relationship were inspiring and a great gift and educational tool for current and future intercultural families.

This book is also the product of the wonderful academic support, guidance, and encouragement that I received during my research journey on the topic from Professor Mark Hughes, Dr Elaine Nuske and Dr Liz Reimer at Southern Cross University, Australia, and Professor Robert Bland and Dr Debby Lynch from the University of Queensland, Australia.

Finally, my heartfelt thanks to my lovely wife Helen for the encouragement, unwavering support and sacrifices she made to help me realise my dream.

Dharam Bhugun

Foreword

When my colleague Dharam asked me to write a foreword to this book, I was more than honored, and saw it as an opportunity to reflect on where we are as a field on the topic of intercultural couples and families. Over the past four decades, we have seen a burgeoning trend toward marrying persons outside one ’ s own cultural group (Bhugun, 2019; Karis & Killian, 2008; Killian, 2013; Singh, Killian, Bhugun & Tseng, 2020). High-speed travel and instantaneous communication technologies have helped ferry in an era of globalization where geographical gulfs are more quickly bridged. Researchers and helping professionals see concomitant increases in movement across national and cultural borders, with waves of people leaving the neighborhoods and countries of their birth to study, find a job, and establish intimate relationships (Killian, 2015). An upswing in intercultural relationships is adding to the diversity already evident in Australia, as well as North America and Europe. Nevertheless, relatively few studies have provided insights into the lived experiences and dilemmas of intercultural parents. Thus, this book is a welcome and important contribution to the field.

A complex tapestry is woven from the threads of nationality, culture, religion, and race, and partners in intercultural relationship have these and other means of distinguishing themselves from their partners. The thoughts and emotions that arise upon the discovery of one another’s cultural identities, histories and legacies are important, and partners’ feelings about their own cultures as well are significant and organized around push and pull factors (Perel, 2000). Frequently a partner feels a sense of belonging to a family history and tradition and endorses a broader national and cultural identity (Killian, 2015). An example of a pull factor, then, is a feeling of communal loyalty or allegiance (Perel, 2000). A push factor might be a partner’s sense of being constrained, delimited, or squelched by the obligations, demands, and persistent expectations of his or her cultural organizing principles. Thus, a person may feel at home with his or her cultural identity and legacy or may feel a need to emigrate (physically and/or emotionally) and escape some of the concomitant constraints in the rules and roles defined by this cultural identity.

The push and pull factors play a key role in how intercultural couples forge a new identity together, and the degree to which that identity demonstrates inclusivity, where both partners’ backgrounds contribute to the cultural enrichment of their family system. While all relationships are complex, intercultural couples experience another level of complexity, with both overt and subtle cultural differences making a difference (Bateson, 1979, p. 6) to the partners. Since partners’ social locations on multiple eco-systemic axes of power inform and organize power dynamics, with or without our awareness, substantial will and skill are required to (1) acknowledge the ways in which privilege and power intersect with ecosystems of culture, nationality, gender, and class; and (2) deepen our collective understanding of, and ability to be helpful to, cross-cultural partners as they enter parenthood (Killian, 2015).

Addressing differences or distinctions stemming from a variety of cultural origins and social locations, this book presents crucial research on the experiences of intercultural parents in raising their children. Intercultural couples, like interracial couples (Killian, 2013; Rosenblatt, Powell, & Karis, 1995), frequently face unique challenges and situations that require additional reflection, consideration, and negotiation by partners. For instance, If the partners choose to marry, which religious traditions and rituals are featured in the ceremony? What language(s) will be spoken in the home? As a couple forms a new family system, which parenting and disciplinary practices and cultural customs shall be retained into the next generation, and which shall be abandoned, and why? Bhugun illustrates these thorny, but terribly important challenges via the narratives of 14 intercultural couples.

Many of the prevailing theories of couple and family development have fallen short in their attempts to recognize and elucidate the unique experiences of parents who come from unique cultural, political, and economic milieus. When cultural difference is viewed as an opportunity for meaningful discussion, rather than as a problem or burden, cross-cultural parents can more readily acknowledge and process a host of social locations, cultural selves, and differences in privilege (Killian, 2013, 2015, 2019). Racial and ethnic status, language, biculturalism and level of acculturation, socioeconomic status, and cultural narratives are just a few sources of differences that may be experienced as crises or opportunities. Bhugun addresses these questions of power and privilege between parents in his exploration of their insider and "outsider’ statuses as well as parents’ conceptualizations of their children as being bicultural and carrying the heritages of both sides of the family. The willingness to work at recognizing and talking about differences creates the chance to deepen one’s understanding and allow for integration and synthesis of cultures in the next generation.

Bhugun refers to cultural literacy in Chapter 6 of the book. Partners and co-parents can choose to attend to and explore the daily experiences in their relationships with each other, extended family members, and the larger society, and acknowledge their relative statuses and locations based on the ecosystems of race, gender, and class. For example, partners of European origin can demonstrate a strong commitment to understanding xenophobia and racism as complex structures in which they are both embedded and implicated (Twine & Steinbugler, 2006). These conversations require a language to discuss culture, ethnocentrism, racism, and strategies of antiracism. Twine and Steinbugler (2006) have touted racial literacy as an everyday practice and analytic stance. Cultural literacy, then, would be a parallel practice and stance that facilitates ongoing self-education and enables members of intercultural couples to translate [cultural and] racial codes, decipher [cultural and] racial structures (Twine & Steinbugler, 2006, p. 344), and unpack an inherent cultural chauvinism and hegemony at all systemic levels. Partners in intercultural couples may vary in their degree of cultural literacy and may also demonstrate contradictions in their literacy from conversation to conversation. Culturally conscious intercultural parents may also effectively integrate their different family histories and traditions through the enacting of rituals old and new.

Nevertheless, it is far from given that partners in intercultural relationships do not necessarily transcend the social relations of power, xenophobia, racism, homophobia, classism, and sexism that monocultural couples often fall into. Their struggles to create respectful, valuing, and even revolutionary relations highlight apparent contradictions both within couples and in our larger society. Even partners who are socially conscious and sensitively fighting the good fight toward an alternative kind of intimate relationship/ community can also struggle with radical divergences in privilege and power between them. I do not critique homogamy as a way of saying that all intercultural couples are free of issues or do not have work to do in creating a more equalitarian, mutual, and intimate relational context. Riffing on Sexton’s (2002) brilliant analysis of interracial relationships, I would assert instead that professionals should not mount uncritical (and hegemonic) defenses of intercultural relationships founded on an assumption that love and prejudice are mutually exclusive and counter-posed to one another (p. 95). Possibilities of love, respect, and intimacy exist, but these qualities are often hard won.

This book shines a light on the tools cross-cultural parents use to negotiate these differences in their child rearing practices, and it successfully addresses challenges and opportunities experienced by these couples. Further, Bhugun relates how the findings of his study can inform both intercultural parents and helping professionals, and how his study also fills a gap in the family systems theoretical literature. Citing Romano (2001), Bhugun asserts in Chapter 1 of his book that intercultural couples have a unique parenting experience, different from homogenous couples, and he introduces us to the volunteer participants who, via qualitative interviews, opened their lives to him and explain exactly how their experience differs. Major themes discussed in Chapters 4, 5 and 6 include cultures interactive processes in relationships and parenting, power relations, reverse acculturation/enculturation and Tips for managing intercultural relationships and parenting. I was especially pleased to read about new findings that are transferable to the global context, including the concepts of reverse and reciprocal acculturation, shifts toward authoritative parenting styles, and selfless parenting style. These are unique contributions to the research literature.

As the trend toward marrying across various borders continues to accelerate, family professionals can expect to see with increasing frequency families with parents hailing from different cultural, lingual, national (Karis & Killian, 2008), religious (Caffaro, 2013), and racial (Killian, 2013) backgrounds. The parenting narratives of intercultural couples speak to efforts at the dyadic and familial levels to continue working toward a society that will be more accepting of differences and willing to challenge outdated assumptions, question culturally encapsulated values, and to cross cultural borders through the formation of inclusive families.

1

Introduction

This book describes how intercultural couples, parents and families manage and negotiate differences in intercultural relationships and parenting. It is a revised version of my previous book Intercultural Parenting and Relationships: Challenges and Rewards (Bhugun, 2019) . The book was initially written for the academic and professional bodies with the aim and objective of delivering useful information and knowledge into the lived experiences of parenting among intercultural parents and couples. After two years of the book ’ s publication and readership, the goal was achieved. The book has been globally acknowledged, and used in the broader academic world, relevant professional bodies, Family courts, schools, hospitals, media, and community organisations. I also received a surprise thank you letter from Buckingham Palace from the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Prince Harry, and Meghan Markle.

Since the publication of the book, I have received countless requests from people around the world to reproduce the book in a simpler, non-academic context for the mainstream communities, and importantly for an affordable price. The request from the global mainstream population is understandable and fair as this new edition of the book would simplify the language and understanding for them. Consequently, I decided to publish this new edition as an opportunity to share the lived experiences of real couples, parents and families with current and future intercultural couples, parents, and families around the world. One of the strengths of this edition is its capacity in addressing all stages of intercultural relationships and parenting. This book is for you if you want to understand intercultural relationships and parenting dynamics in your current or future relationship. It will help you understand, manage, and negotiate cultural differences, and save your relationship. I wrote this new edition Managing Differences in Intercultural Relationships and Parenting as a fulfilling guide and companion in your journey. I hope that it strengthens your intercultural relationship and parenting experiences. So let me now guide you into the narratives of this increasing world phenomenon.

When I migrated to Australia in 1987, the demographic, social and cultural landscape of Australia was reflecting mostly Anglo-Australian, Greek, Italian, Lebanese, Asian and Pacific Islander communities. However, with globalisation, changes in social diversity, and advanced technology, there has been a marked increase in the cultural composition of the Australian society, including new waves of immigration from India, Africa, South America, and the Middle East. Australia is now officially recognised as a multicultural and pluralistic society. The new and increased immigration trend changed the dynamics in human relationships and behaviour, and approaches in the provision of contextual and relevant services appropriate to the evolving diversified communities.

As a psycho-social therapist, I noticed firsthand the lack of information, appropriate services, helpful professional knowledge, and intervention methods and strategies for helping the increasing number of intercultural couples, parents and families struggling with cultural conflicts and adaptation in their new environment and society. I noticed an increase in intercultural couples and families seeking my professional help, especially regarding problems in their relationship and parenting dynamics. My professional training was based on a western assessment, planning and intervention model. Faced with the problem of the new intercultural phenomenon and intercultural communities seeking help, I looked for resources, literature, and knowledge to help me provide the appropriate help in the relevant domain but struggled to find any such knowledge. There was a big gap in knowledge, especially regarding intercultural parenting and relationship matters from the broader Australian community perspective. Consequently, I decided to fill the gap and ventured into conducting the first Australian study on the lived experiences of intercultural parenting in Australia. Interestingly, I am in an intercultural marriage myself, but that is not the reason why I conducted the research as many people thought. My research was more about helping other professional bodies understand the experiences of intercultural couples, parents, and families struggling with cultural differences in relationship and parenting.

In this book, the term intercultural refers to the interactions between members of different cultural groups. In the Australian context, intercultural couple is described as one partner being Anglo-Australian and their opposite-sex partner is a non-Anglo-Australian person who has migrated to and lives in Australia. The focus on culture and the term intercultural encompasses the different notions of ethnic, interethnic, racial, interracial, religious, interfaith, and country of birth. Relationship refers to the couple’s dyad, that is between the mother and father as the focus is on the couple’s lived experiences of parenting and their relational dynamics.

The growth of immigration and social diversity, changes in social and political ideologies and advances in global technology have contributed to increased cultural exchange in human relationships and an increase in intercultural marriages and relationships around the world. Consequently, the intercultural parenting experience is emerging as an important family dynamic in society. Intercultural parenting experience is an understudied phenomenon globally. Parenting experiences can be both challenging and rewarding for intercultural couples and their children. Much of the research has focused on parenting styles among different cultural groups. The focus of discussion in intercultural relationships tends to be on the children of couples from mixed cultures and races, rather than on the experience of the parents themselves. This book endeavours to address the gap.

The literature on intercultural relationships tend to focus on the psychosocial challenges of intercultural relationships such as barriers to communication, conflicts over parenting, and differences in cultural values. There is limited focus in the literature on the positive experiences of intercultural relationship and parenting. There is no denial that intercultural couples may initially experience some form of conflict with each other’s values and beliefs. However, they can also experience mutual cultural adaptation which will be fully explored in Chapters 2 and 4. This book also generates knowledge of relevance to non-clinical intercultural couples and parents.

In this book, I outline the lived experiences of intercultural parents raising their children together, the tools they use to negotiate cultural differences in their child rearing practices, and the challenges, benefits, and opportunities of intercultural couples in their parental practices. To achieve this, five key questions guided the interview: What are the experiences of intercultural couples in parenting their children? What are the challenges and conflicts of intercultural parenting? What are the positive experiences of intercultural parenting? How do intercultural parents negotiate cultural differences and integrate cultural values in their parenting styles? How can the findings inform intercultural parents and helping professionals? The focus is on the experiences of intercultural parents and couples who do not seek professional help. This book reflects on findings that may assist current and future intercultural parents, couples, and intercultural families, and add to the family systems theory respecting intercultural parenting and relationship.

The study used a qualitative research method, because of its flexibility and ability to capture detailed and rich textual descriptions and meanings intercultural couples and parents gave to their inner experiences of intercultural parenting and relationship. It also focuses on the social construction of reality. As such a social constructionist approach was used to delineate the experiences of intercultural parents and couples. The social constructionism epistemological approach considers knowledge of the world as being socially and culturally constructed. Knowledge of phenomena is determined by issues such as sociocultural factors, shared understanding of meaning, traditions, artefacts, language, and practices (Gergen, 1985), and how people construct their perceived reality (Berger & Luckmann, 1996). It respects participants’ voices and local knowledge.

The social constructionism paradigm enabled me to