Stepping Into Love

By Samuel Alexander

Orin believes he isn't worthy of love and spends his life trying to be what he perceives as the perfect and most desirable human. This, however, doesn't work and he finds himself struggling with self-worth and the aftermath of three failed relationships.

 

Orin decides he needs to accept himself as is before someone else can. All seems well until one moment of loneliness has him on a dating app and quickly into flirty banter, undoing months of hard work.

 

Will his fear of being alone encourage him to move too fast and change? Can he find himself in a relationship instead of losing more of himself to one?

 

Orin is anxious and afraid this may be true. However, if he doesn't take this step, he'll never know if it will be the last step in his journey towards love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Samuel Alexander
• Release date: Nov 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201030667

Samuel Alexander

Samuel Alexander is just your regular guy trying to write the stories he enjoys to read. He lives on the Island of Bermuda, sharing space with the voices in his head. Cheesecake is his one true love, and fries. He firmly believes that chocolate makes everything better, coffee is the elixir of life and a good book is the source of pure happiness.

Book preview

Also by Samuel Alexander

Broken

Delusional Love

I See Things In Blue

Dario

Gavin

Rayland

Kevin

Acceptance

Louis

Found

Standalone

Brothers and Frenemies

Virgil

Dana

Stepping Into Love

Stepping Into Love

Stepping Into Love

Samuel Alexander

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critiques and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All characters, names and contents herein are the product of the author’s imagination or are used for fictional purposes.

Publisher Samuel Alexander

Cover design by Robin Ludwig Design Inc.

www.gobookcoverdesign.com

Table Of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 1

Orin was distracted and taking too much time to organise his desk. He always left things in order before heading home, but today... today would be different. He was only stalling the inevitable, but he convinced himself that the longer he took, maybe he could will away what was waiting for him.

Realising there were only so many times he could rearrange things, Orin admitted defeat and finally removed himself from his desk.

As he walked out of his office, he found his assistant Janet finishing up for the day. It was second Friday and she and her husband never missed their standing Friday date unless it was an emergency. He always did his best to ensure he had nothing for her to do. He couldn’t help but be a little envious of her running off to the love of her life.

When she sensed his presence, she looked up and smiled. It lightened his mood a bit, but she wasn’t done.

Janet got up, walked over to him. Took his hands in hers and said, You’ll be alright.

Are you sure? Orin didn’t think so. He couldn’t see himself being alright, especially with a whole weekend to stew over it.

My offer still stands. Just say the word.

Orin smiled. Despite his mood, she could always make him smile. That and he knew she was serious.

Janet, if you handle things, there will be a court case that even my money couldn’t save you from.

It would be totally worth it. Janet didn’t crack a smile. If anything, her resolve became harder. Orin knew she would follow through on her promise.

Just call me. You know I’ll drag the husband over there and we can get wasted together and dream up the best revenge fantasies over pizza.

How did you survive so long without being in prison? Orin joked.

I know how not to get caught, Janet said with a shrug.

The answer is still no. But thanks.

Janet gave him another smile before getting back to what she was doing before Orin came by.

As he walked to the elevator, Orin tried not to think about what he would soon be facing. He couldn’t believe this had happened, but it had, and he couldn’t undo it. Couldn’t buy his way out of it.

Not that he wanted to, but he knew that if he could, he might try.

When the elevator opened back up, he made his way to his car. He rested his bag on the passenger’s side and for a moment just set there trying to find the will to leave. He didn’t have anything to do, so the longer he stalled, the longer he would have to dwell on his emotions. Not the best idea, but the choice couldn’t be undone.

Fuck it.

He started the car and headed home, saying good night to security as he drove out into the real world. Though the city streets were already buzzing with action, it was a straight drive out from where his office was located.

Soon the city lights gave way to suburbia just on the outskirt of town and beyond that, in the distance, were the mountains. As he drove, Orin allowed his brain a few moments to be blank. To not dwell on what was facing him when he walked through the door. Just enjoyed the scene as he drove up, turning away from average neighbourhoods to hills and trees with hidden neighbourhoods within their seemingly endless clusters.

Soon he came upon a certain area of mountainside living that proved money could indeed talk. Nothing but houses specifically designed to say I have money. Some, in his opinion, were overdoing it. The fact that they could afford to live here already spoke volumes, but if that was what they wanted, who was he to judge? He turned into a driveway, the entrance lined by tall trees casting the last of the sun’s rays through its leaves.

Once the trees slowly gave way, he could see his house come into view and the array of colours blending into the horizon beyond it. The city lights would soon light up below under the moonlight sky, transforming it into another form of beauty.

Being raised on an island, he never thought he would settle for mountain living in chilly weather. But as he sat here looking out on the views, he couldn’t see it any other way, almost. Orin was still not a fan of the cold and snow, but it was a fair trade. He parked the car in the garage and then entered his home. What greeted him was silence. After four years of what he thought was the best thing to happen to him, it was all over. She was gone and the house wouldn’t be the same.

Orin had never not been in a relationship. His entire life from age sixteen had been a series of relationships. Now, for the first time, he was contemplating not seeking out another one. He had to stop defining himself based on other people. All the money, the success, and he still hadn’t learned to accept himself for himself.

He put his bag on the kitchen island, loosened his tie, and tried to will the emptiness away. Tried to stop blaming himself even if he were partly to blame. He grabbed some wine, white, and poured himself a glass. Without putting down the bottle, he walked into the living area and sat down on the couch. Placing the bottle onto the table in front of him. Undoing his shirt buttons, he leaned back and groaned.

Looking around, he considered the house was much too big for him, but quickly dismissed this. His home was all about clean lines. A minimalistic concrete, modern structure with a blend of floor-to-ceiling glass panes that opened the house to the outside, wood panels that slid open as well, and wood flooring.

He liked glass and the idea of unobstructed views.

Orin got up of the couch and walked to the end of the living room, slid open one of the glass panes and stepped outside. He walked across the deck to the long side of the pool, straight to the glass rail. Deciding he didn’t care about the wine glass. He rested it down, then leaned against the rail, drinking straight from the bottle.

All this life had afforded him, and it still couldn’t keep someone. Alicia was his everything, and that wasn’t enough. His money wasn’t enough. Why was he never enough? He went into his pocket and pulled out a ring and thought about how this morning had gone so wrong. He didn’t even get to propose. That was supposed to be his Friday night plan. If he were honest, Orin knew why she left. For the same reason, his first two fiancés left. But he didn’t want to admit that just yet.

He pulled out his phone and started to text her, but he could hear Janet in his mind telling him drunk texting his ex-almost-fiancé was a bad idea. He called his sister instead.

And how’s my favourite brother doing? She always answered the phone this way. As if a simple hello would not be efficient.

I’m your only brother.

I don’t see your point.

Orin chuckled. Lea was always a ray of sunshine when he needed it.

So, I had to cancel my reservation. 

Hold on. Let me go outside for this.

Lea was clearly out having fun. The sounds of the island flowing through the phone. It wasn’t long before he could hear waves and the music of nature in the background. Maybe that was why he was in the mountains. For the sound of tree frogs and crickets. The island boy in him needed the familiarity.

But I thought things were going well? She asked. Her accent was heavy and took him back to his youth.

No. It’s always the same. I think after a while the novelty of a white Island boy must wear off and people just stop loving me. Or I’m just the problem. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

That’s ridiculous. How could any sane human not love you?

Because even after four years of selling my soul, I’m single again. And the only person I have to call is Janet. And I’m not doing that.

I bet she offered to kill that bitch.

Orin laughed as he walked back into the house and sunk into the sofa. He didn’t close the glass behind him as it was a nice night out and the fresh mountain air was refreshing.

She did.

I’m ready to catch the next flight out there, too. They’ll never find the body.

She said the same thing. Orin smiled, then brought the topic back online. Should I text her? See if maybe we can work this out. I was ready to marry her. It has to be worth it... right?

Depends. What did she say?

That she doesn’t love me anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. That stuff. She doesn’t have a guy on the side or anything. She genuinely doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

There was silence on the other end. He knew why. This was not the first time they had had this conversation. His sister wasn’t being entirely honest when she said how could anyone not love him. She knew the problem. She made her living listening to people talk about their problems on her much too comfortable couch.

Maybe you just need to reconnect with your island roots. A good break will sort everything out. We can sit off and chillax.

Business mergers and company takeovers don’t have time to relax, Orin responded on instinct. It was his go-to when he needed to avoid hearing the truth.

You’re already stupid-rich. How much more money do you need? And send your sister some.

No shame. Orin shook his head for his own benefit, but also chuckled, which was for Lea.

None. None at all. But seriously, big bro, are you okay? I know you. I don’t want you do something stupid. Like overwork or drown yourself in wine. Start hating yourself again. Find a new love in under a week.

I don’t know what you mean. Even as she spoke, he was scrolling through the list of people on his phone he could either try to date again or hook-up with for the night to drown out his pain. Maybe a hook-up was what he needed. He opened the app to see what he could find.

So, you aren’t about to try to fix this with sex and wine.

I hate how you know me so well, Orin grumbled and fell into the back of the couch and massaged his forehead.

Orin, I know you don’t want to hear it, but you have to love yourself first. Ever since the incident you’ve spent your entire life trying to be someone you think other people can love instead of trying to be someone you can love.

Orin took a deep breath and thought about her words. He knew all three exes could sense he was overdoing it and didn’t really love them. They could only enjoy the life he offered for so long before they needed more than the perfect guy and someone who wasn’t emotionally withdrawn and damaged.

I know, but it’s hard. I’m lonely, Lea. And that guy, he messed me up so bad.

Dennis. Just thinking about him made the day worse. He was Orin’s first love, and the reason Orin sold his soul to overachieving in school, getting off the island and making something of himself. He was only fourteen at the time, but he loved him. Then he betrayed that trust and told everyone that he was gay, which wasn’t true, and it didn’t go down well. Being gay was not the best thing a person could be in his home country. He was tortured and bullied for it.

Orin spent the rest of his life trying to shape himself into the man he thought someone would love. Mostly because he thought it was his fault. When he finally got Dennis alone, he made it seem like Orin was the problem and no one could ever like a guy like him and he was only pretending to like him and be his friend to find out if he was gay. It damaged him so much Orin’s entire existence revolved around being the person he assumed other people would love.

He considered himself bisexual but had only been romantically involved