Hear My Eyes

By Gary Todd

Hear My Eyes is a story of a young man growing up in Harlem, New York City as an only child, being raised by a single father. The Author provides an intimate revelation of young man struggling to find the right combination for his life’s journey. His father is a strict Caribbean man who governs his household with an iron fist of rules and regulations that stifle his son’s potential, causing emotional and psychological scars. The effects of those scars are manifested primarily during his college years and process. The tumultuous relationship with his dad, leads to an estranged relationship with his mother and siblings. His need to reconcile with his family leads to some unhealthy roads to where he tries to find the best way towards peace and balance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9781663213679

Gary Todd

Gary Todd grew up in Harlem, New York City. He attended SUNY and is a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Incorporated. He’s a house music enthusiast, both as a dancer and DJ. He is a father to his 10-year old son. Mr. Todd worked for 20 years as an Administrator for Youth and Family Services. He is a Certified Martial Arts Instructor and has facilitated Rape Prevention workshops for women. He lives his Spiritual Life through African Traditional Religion, IFA and Orisha.

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Copyright © 2021 Gary Todd.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse

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views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1368-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-1367-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021902261

iUniverse rev. date:  02/10/2021

CONTENTS

Chapter 1     Day One

Chapter 2     Pre-Freshman Summer

Chapter 3     Not so Black and White

Chapter 4     C and B

Chapter 5     Preteen West Indian Rituals with Dad

Chapter 6     Circumstances from Birth

Chapter 7     College Starts

Chapter 8     Kindergarten

Chapter 9     It Was All a Blur

Chapter 10   Lost Feelings

Chapter 11   Readmitted—And It Feels So Good

Chapter 12   Part Time Post Trauma

Chapter 13   Unavoidable Beef

Chapter 14   Relationship Effect

Chapter 15   A Mental Bum

Chapter 16   Mind Playing Tricks on Me?

Chapter 17   Reputation

Chapter 18   The Fatal Attractive Intellect

Chapter 19   Why Me?

Chapter 20   The Trip

Chapter 21   Aspirations

Acknowledgements

CHAPTER 1

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Day One

Chauncey Doownos was embarrassed about being driven by his father to Naples College though he saw the pride on his father’s face. Yeah, Chauncey loved his father, but this was the day he had dreamed of since his sophomore year in high school, the day that would begin his life independent from his dad and spawn the birth of a man. Chauncey viewed the freedom of the land as they drove farther from the hustle and crowdedness of the city.0

Chauncey was awed by the beauty and size of the mountains surrounding the New York highway. The electric energy of nature and the sound of peace created a feeling of calm excitement in him. The two-hour drive felt like an amusement park ride. They saw deer crossing the highway, and Chauncey’s father told him that the car could suffer much damage if it hit a deer. They spoke about women in college and the possibilities of Chauncey’s meeting his future wife there; father and son chuckled about that. Chauncey thought about whom his new friends would be and what type of personalities would mesh or clash with his.

They got to the town of Naples and were approaching the campus. Chauncey noted his father’s look of happiness and despair. Mr. Doownos was extremely proud of his son going to college but knew he would miss him. He had raised Chauncey by himself since he was two and had done all the things that were supposedly meant only for mothers to do. He could cook his ass off and could sew, and he cared deeply for his son.

Chauncey was feeling sad and guilty for going away to college. As much as he desired freedom and independence, he would miss his father and his overwhelming love and support. His father always wanted the best for him.

High School / Tenth Grade

Damn. Pops forced me to wear those thick-ass long johns starting in winter and lasting until the middle of spring no matter how warm it was. My nuts would sweat from just the thought, and I was always afraid to have sex whenever I was wearing them. The funk and grime that accumulated between my legs from the superinsulated underwear was sure to turn away even the most desperate chick.

Then there was Tracy, a fine, dark-skinned girl with a cute, petite figure. She never paid me any attention my entire freshman year in high school. We lived in the same co-op complex, she in building 10 and I in 30. I guess working out over the summer and making the Harlem Gauchos basketball team gave me exposure and props at the same time.

Tracy and I were on the same bus coming home from school, and we got off at the same stop. I noticed her batting her long eyelashes at me and smiling with those pearly whites. She then struck up some bullshit conversation with me; I couldn’t come close to figuring out its topic. I humored her conversation as best I could but was nervous as hell. At that time, swiftness with the words was not my strength; I was a man of few words.

As we neared the point where she would go to her building and I to mine, she unexpectedly asked, Chauncey, would you like to come over for a little while and watch TV? Oooh! She asked that with a tone of innocence and seductiveness that made me say yes even if it meant I’d be on punishment for life.

As we entered her parents’ apartment, I thought about my sweaty balls and how they must have stunk. I sat on a couch covered with plastic, which made the warmth provided by my long johns increase to unbearable heat. Tracy offered me something to drink and sat next to me. I searched for words to say but came up empty. No smooth lines, no sly moves, just sittin’ on the couch literally hot and bothered. My eyes were focused on every part of the living room with just an occasional glance at her. Tracy again initiated a conversation that to me sounded like something the teacher from the Peanuts cartoons would say. I was too busy searching for a playa mode to hear her words. Finally, a thought that would yield to words came to mind.

You always seemed so quiet and to yourself in school, and I rarely see you in the park. Where do you be at?

Most of my time is spent at church, choir rehearsal, and studying.

But she didn’t strike me as the church-going type. Her style of dress was always conservative; she never wore tight-fitting jeans, and she didn’t curse a lot, but there was something about her that made me believe she had another swing to her. She carried herself in a sexy, sensual, and mysterious manner always a bit on the flirtatious side but not raunchy or loud like the other girls in school.

Our conversation continued to flow as I became more relaxed with the situation. Then reality set in. It was 4:40 p.m., and I was still out. My father was either out looking for me or had called the cops and sent them to the school. Whatever the case, I was in trouble. I tried to act as if I were leaving because I wanted to rather than because I had to; I wanted to appear cool and in control as if I didn’t have a curfew fit for a third grader.

Tracy sensed that I was gearing up to leave; she moved closer to me and put a hand between my thighs and started to feel me up through my suffocatin’ underwear. We started to kiss, but instead of enjoying the moment, all I could think about was my father coming to her apartment and embarrassing me. My excuse was that I had to go grocery shopping for my dad so he could cook dinner, but Tracy was not tryin’ to hear it.

As I walked to the apartment door, she began to unbuckle her pants and slowly lower them. She took off her sneakers and stepped out of her pants as I watched in awe, frozen; the only thing moving on me was my dick. Tracy started to unfasten my coat and thaw me out. She asked me not to leave … But I did.

1984 / Tenth Grade

My father forbade me to date any girl from the projects. He thought they were financially and morally beneath us. My first job was working at C-Town supermarket as a cashier and stock boy; it was just around the corner from where we lived. I constantly met women of all ages from around the neighborhood.

A woman who was at least fifty made me aware that she wanted her webs dusted by me. One day, I ran into her while going downtown with my father. She greeted me with a hello and a smile, and I returned the greeting with an introduction to Pops. She never looked his way but did say hello, and I felt uncomfortable with that shit. Whatever Pops and I were going through was one thing, but no one else has the right to be disrespectful to him. I knew she wanted to get busy, but it didn’t faze me much.

Anyway, this girl my age worked with me as a cashier. She was a thick, short chick from the Washington Projects, the place I had the most beef with. One night after work, I asked shorty to come to my house for whatever under one condition—She could not tell my father she was from the projects. I explained to her that my dad had a thing with anyone from the Washington Projects but of course didn’t go into detail. Once she agreed, I knew that ass was mine.

Shorty came into the apartment, and I introduced her to Dad, who was always critical of the girls I dated. He loved dark-skinned women and encouraged me toward the same. At my age, I didn’t care if a girl was dark, caramel, honey colored, or whatever; if she was cute, she was all right with me. This fem was brown skinned, which was all right with my father, but he subjected her to interrogation before we could go to my room. So what school do you attend? How old are you? Her answers scored a perfect ten until the So where do you live? question came up. She looked at me fully aware of what we had discussed earlier and answered proudly, The Washington Projects.

My father made this face as if he had arthritis in his ass as he dismissed us from his room. She and I headed for my room, but my father immediately called me back. He held his nose and frowned up his face indicating a foul stench in the air. The stench came from knowing where my date lived mixed with his prejudiced views. He waved his arms in disgust and suggested that I get rid of her quickly before she stole something. I felt ashamed but didn’t know exactly why.

After about half an hour of light and meaningless foreplay, I walked the girl out and toward her building.

Chauncey had had six weeks of getting to know all eighty-five of his college classmates and any upperclassmen who were taking courses that summer. His father dropped him off at the admissions office, where all the students who had been in the prefreshman summer program were. Since Chauncey was the last to arrive, all eyes were on him when he entered the room. He gave his father a handshake and a hug and told him, I love you.

Chauncey’s dad said he was proud of him and for the first time said, You’ll be all right, without him having to be by his side. Then he left. Their roles changed drastically just like that. Chauncey missed his dad as soon as he walked away, a feeling he hadn’t expected on his first day as a college student.

1984 / Tenth Grade

Katrina was not a virgin when we hooked up in tenth grade; she’d had a few older boyfriends before me. Her mother was a minister and extremely strict about Katrina’s whereabouts, school, and friends. The only reason she was able to get away with more than I was was because her mother was rarely home, and Katrina could set her watch by when her mom would return.

She was a fine, brown-skinned girl with high cheekbones and big titties. Her school uniform and her reputation for being out turned me on, but no one I knew had firsthand knowledge about her. I was still in the beginning stages of coming out of my shyness when I decided to speak to her. To my surprise, she stated that she had been attracted to me for a while but hadn’t felt comfortable approaching me whenever I was with my boys.

I met her mother