The Weight of Emptiness: Comfort and Hope for the Loss of a Loved One

By Patricia Elliot

This book is to bring comfort and hope to all those who have lost a loved one. Written in memory of my beautiful boy, Bruce whom I lost to suicide. He had many aspects to his character, the ‘dark’ and the ‘light’ just like the weight of emptiness which now lies in my heart, dark and heavy, often too heavy to bear. When you lose a loved one you may or will find yourself sobbing uncontrollably but please take comfort and know that through resilience and courage you can endure each day. Remember your loved one is free from pain. The weight will become ‘lighter’. Focus on your loved one’s smile and wonderful memories. Always remember your loved ones. Do not let their lives be in vain. For my boy, the words adapted from Johnny Nash say it all:
‘I can see clearly now the rain has gone, all of the bad feelings have disappeared
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind, I think I can make it now the pain is gone
Here’s the rainbow I’ve been praying for, look all around there’s nothing but blue skies
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day’

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Aug 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781728351919

Patricia Elliot

Scottish based Patricia Elliot is an author of academic and self-help books, Inspirational Speaker, Broadcaster, Blogger, Mentor to entrepreneurs, Winner of various business awards and founder of MindCircles - a toolbox of self-help products and services to combat stress, anxiety and mental health issues. Patricia holds University degrees in Music, Law, Psychology, Education but what she values most is her degree from the University of Life. She has faced many challenges, but the most traumatic was the loss of her eldest son to suicide. She decided to share her experience in The Weight of Emptiness. Patricia has a natural affinity for people, is empathetic and compassionate, loves life and enjoys a good sense of humour. Her writing style is engaging and positive, always sensitive and encouraging. She has a positive attitude and her ability to motivate, empower and support others provide a message of hope and encouragement to her readers.

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Copyright © 2020 Patricia Elliot. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   08/12/2020

ISBN: 978-1-7283-5192-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-5191-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020913572

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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IN MEMORY OF MY GORGEOUS SON, BRUCE

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Collage of Bruce’s life

This book is for you, my beautiful boy. In your own words you were ‘…….trapped in another character…..’. You had many aspects to your character, the ‘dark’ and the ‘light’ just like the weight of emptiness in my heart which is dark and heavy, often too heavy to bear. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably but then I remember that you are free from pain and the weight becomes ‘light’ and laughter returns when I think of your smile, creativity and wonderful memories. The words adapted from the song (by Johnny Nash¹) played at the celebration of your life say it all:

‘I can see clearly now the rain has gone, all of the bad feelings have disappeared……’

From Bruce’s pain I found more courage and resilience than I believed possible but these gave me the ability to endure every day. Patricia Elliot

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Patricia knew from an early age that she would write a book one day. Now, years later she has written numerous academic books and is now writing this second personal book, the first being ‘7 Attributes for Success (Inner Success and Happiness)². You can find out more on Patricia’s website www.mindcircles.co.uk and social media sites. Patricia is currently also writing The Secret of Courage and Resilience³ the sequel to 7 Attributes for Success.

Having lost her gorgeous son Bruce to suicide over five years ago she realised that there was a need for a book where she could share her experience of such a trauma while also helping people who have been affected by suicide realise that they are not alone. She sincerely hopes that this book will offer comfort and hope to many and that a loved one should be remembered so that their life was not lived in vain. She has felt guilt that it has taken her so long to write but also realised her need to grieve and find the right words for sharing such a personal experience of loss.

Her vision for all her personal books is to empower and improve the lives of every individual so that they realise their true potential through courage and resilience. After sharing the suicide of her son on social media she was contacted by many people with similar experiences and it became clear that this book was much needed.

However, it has not been easy writing this book, it was the most daunting as Patricia has opened her heart to what has been the most challenging experience of her life. Much as she desperately would love to have Bruce back in her life, she knows he is at peace. Patricia has been overwhelmed by the sharing of stories from people who have suffered loss of a loved one and that they have felt comfortable enough to share these stories with her. She is privileged and honoured to include them in this book. Patricia believes and knows that sharing is caring and helps healing. Patricia hopes that people will continue to share and feel comfortable enough to contact her through her website.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I have so many people to thank for helping me throughout my life, both in the happy and not so happy times. There are too many to mention here but I must thank those few who have gone the ‘extra mile’ particularly in my times of need.

A huge thanks to all my friends and colleagues who provided suggestions for the title of my book. I finally decided on the title ‘The Weight of Emptiness’ suggested by Zena Von-Rollock and I am forever grateful and honoured to use it.

A massive thank you to Chris Gair, my neighbour who came with me that fateful night and was the one to go into my son’s flat. I am forever grateful to Chris for sparing me the tragic scene. I don’t think I would ever have been able to erase that scene from my memory.

I thank and praise the police who attended the scene that night. They were efficient, compassionate and courteous. It was a comfort to me that Bruce’s brother knew one of the police detectives attending that night.

I express gratitude to Cameron Duncan of Adams and Duncan⁴, Funeral Directors, for his compassion and understanding at such a difficult, tragic time. From the moment of first contact, Cameron was sympathetic and respectful. He gave a personal and professional service and I could not have asked for more. It was just what my son, Bruce, would have wanted.

My thanks go to Jane Patmore⁵, Celebrant who honoured the character and talents of Bruce in a moving and emotional tribute (Appendix II) at the Celebration of Bruce’s life.

I thank all those who sent messages of condolence: his good friend Mette, his friends Karen Welsh (now Elliott), Michelle Lundie and others from Cleveden Secondary who remembered him fondly, his friend Edward Davis (aka ‘Wood’), Markus Olesen (Sweden) who told me, ‘….we had a very strong and special friendship …….and many memories……..spending many endless nights together………we were very comfortable with each other’s company…..’, everyone at The Westbourne Tavern, London, all friends in London, Denmark, LA and Cuba to mention but a few.

Dez Clarke shared the story of his loss of Bruce, a true friend and mate (Appendix IV) but also sent a message which describes ‘The Bruce’ as he was affectionately known. Excerpts from this message shows how Bruce appeared to the outside world, yet somehow sadly never realised it himself! He never boasted, was always modest (too modest perhaps) and just thought of himself as being ‘him’.

‘The Bruce’

‘I have soooo very many lovely and funny stories of mine, ours, Bruce’s escapades in London and LA as well as our quieter times just talking on our own. I really connected with Bruce… …..when Bruce was living in Venice Beach he joined the little UK gang, going to parties, hitting the beaches…………..he got work in Hollywood at events and as assistant to a Hollywood photographer……………for every few moments of sadness I have thinking of Bruce and how dark a place he must have been in to decide to leave us all I’m strangely overwhelmed with huge smiles and belly laughter remembering times with him and his HUGELY FUN CHARACTER…….. Bruce is a massive part of all our lives down here, both the work team and the London scene….. what a wonderfully fun guy to have at every occasion……..incredibly creative and without fear – always chasing an adventure………..a super enthusiastically infectious, handsome, charismatic, charming, eloquently spoke and always dapperly dressed young Scottish Man……….

He was sooooooo very popular with the ladies (I hope you are proud to hear)…………..When watching a Hollywood Rom-Com recently I found myself in tears not at the movie but at seeing the leading actress who was a girlfriend of Bruce while we worked in LA……………yes! I was definitely envious of his suave and charismatic, confident, smooth skills not just with the ladies but everyone he came to be in the company of……………..…none of us are perfect and Bruce wasn’t either….he was troubled as we all can be but he so made up for it in such other wonderful ways ……..I cannot express in this short message just how very much I will miss him xxx’ Dez, a true friend and mate. I included some of this beautiful message in my tribute (Appendix III) to Bruce on the day of the Celebration of his life.

I thank everyone who shared stories of their loss (Appendix IV). I feel honoured and privileged to include them in this book.

I am forever grateful to ‘Mabozza’ who managed to extract the thousands of photographs from Bruce’s many hard drives and back-ups: no mean feat as I know Bruce backed up everything more than once and with different passwords!!

Thanks to the amazing photographer, Sonja Blietschau⁶ for her assistance in selecting and preparing photographs of Bruce and those made by him (Appendix VII) in the required format for insertion in this book. Sonja had never met Bruce but after time spent going through his many photographs and personal belongings she shared that she felt as if she not only knew my son but understood him. I hope that by including photographs in this book that you, the reader, will feel that in some small way you know and understand Bruce too.

I had many people to thank when I wrote 7 Attributes for Success and I continue to give thanks as they supported me when I was hit by the tragedy — the suicide of my first-born son, Bruce.

Bruce often talked about his friend and mentor, the professional photographer Martin Gilfeather⁷. I thank him for being there for Bruce and express my heartfelt gratitude for his comforting words when describing Bruce: ‘there was a remarkable dignity about Bruce…he was a good man’.

Those who have read my ‘7 Attributes’ book will know I talk about courage and resilience. Now I believe that I have courage and resilience in abundance, but these have been tested to their limits after my tragic loss.

I wanted to write a book about my loss and I beat myself up for not having written it sooner. However, the time must be right; loss and grief are complicated and extraordinary and sometimes you feel fine and other times you just go to pieces!

I sincerely hope that this book will help all those who have lost a loved one, especially a child (no matter the circumstances) as well as those who are living with the fear that their child might commit suicide.

As always, I can rely on my close friend (more like family) Margaret Robinson to make me cups of tea, take me out for dinner and just being there as a listener. Another close friend Morfydd continues to offer emotional support with weekly tea and chats to keep me going. Despite living abroad my friends and colleagues Stuart Mallinson and his wife Anne continue to be positive motivators.

My thanks and gratitude to Peter Batty who edited my manuscript with the utmost care and understanding, honing my thoughts and adding clarity. This was a particularly daunting task since I tend to re-write when I review chapters or pages. With Peter’s changes I can truly say ‘enough is enough’!

My friend Bill Winn is also there to support me throughout the difficult periods of my life.

Sadly, the size of the book does not permit me to mention all those who supported and continue to support me, but you know who you are and whoever and wherever you are I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Like Bruce, my head is always so full of ideas that sometimes it feels as if it could burst. Also, like Bruce I am a perfectionist and worry that my book will not be perfect, but it is written from the heart. I must also thank my good friend and colleague Walter Taylor for his never-ending patience, putting up with me for years and being always ready to make changes almost at ‘my beck and call’ whether developing MindCircles⁸ or my online Steps for Success program. I can hear Walter’s voice: ‘just publish it!’ I also thank Walter for designing the covers for this book.

I could not do without the talent and skills of Eddie Macarthur of Stealth Studios who keeps me ‘smiling’ when developing my MindBites⁹ meditations.

The Weight of Emptiness is written in memory of my gorgeous son Bruce who just could not and did not want to cope with the way the world was going. In his own words he felt ….trapped in another character….. He was so creative throughout his life, being involved with sculpting, acting, art, writing and photography and he suggested many tips and tools for my 7 Attributes book to help people realise their true potential. Despite giving me these very helpful, positive suggestions, he just could not overcome the many challenges he had faced in his life.

The world has lost a wonderfully creative, talented actor, writer and photographer with a genius eye and ability to tell a story through his photography but more than this I have lost my gorgeous ‘boy’.

Although it is over 5 years since Bruce committed suicide it can seem like yesterday. I shared my loss with many people, through my blogs (excerpts in Appendix VI) and also on social media because I realised that many who suffer from depression or have feelings of suicide or decide to commit suicide are high functioning individuals who, to the outside world, do not appear depressed or even ‘low’. Indeed, they can seem extraordinarily happy and excited. I know that for Bruce it was his highly creative and over analytical mind that excited him and enthralled me as well as those around him. However, what he could not ‘let go of’ was his drive for perfection even when told by others that ‘it’ was perfect.

To me he was perfect and I thank you, Bruce, for being in my life.

Please tell your loved ones often that you love them. You never know when you might lose them.

Have the courage and resilience to live life to the fullest. Remember sharing helps healing.

CONTENTS

In Memory Of My Gorgeous Son, Bruce

About The Author

Acknowledgements

‘The Bruce’

Introduction

Chapter 1   Bruce – My Gorgeous Boy

Bruce’s Early Years

Difficult Decisions

Teenage Years - The Turning Point For Bruce

Years Lost?

Chapter 2   Reunited – Opening Pandora’s Box

From Actor To Photographer

Psychoactive Photographer

Chapter 3   If Only…What If?... Gut Feelings?…Turning Points?

The Phone Call

Funerals And Celebrations Of Life

Chapter 4   Practical Matters

My Notebook!

Visit To Bruce’s Flat

The Letters

Removal Of Bruce’s Possessions From His Flat

The Obituary?

Attendance At The Mortuary

My Last Kiss And Goodbye

What Funeral Directors?

Cars Or Not?

Visiting The Police Station

Black Humour Moment!

Registering The Death Certificate

Bruce’s Nieces And Nephews

The Teddy

What Date For Celebration Of Bruce’s Life?

What Music?

Where To Hold The ‘After’ Celebration Gathering?

Bruce’s Photographs

Another Black Humour Moment!

Celebration Of Bruce’s Life

The Day Of The Celebration Of Bruce’s Life

Chapter 5   After My Loss

Immediate Days

The Ashes

Yet Another Black Humour Moment!

Weeks Following

Years Following

Chapter Six

As Time Goes By

Dealing With My Emotions

Grief

Stages Of Grief?

Other Stages Of Grief?

Tips For Understanding Grief

Seeking Professional Help?

Life-Threatening Experience?

Chapter 6   Comfort And Hope

Resilience And Endurance

Some Tips For Enduring

Take Your Pain Seriously

Writing About Your Emotional Pain

Do Something Creative Or Something You Enjoy As A Distraction

Relaxation Techniques

Keep Moving Forward Positively

Power Of Positive Thinking

Getting Support

My Experience Of Attending A Support Group

Emotional Pain Affects Your Physical Health

My Final Words

Life Is Awesome, Forget The What If…Or The If Only…

Be Grateful

Appendix I   Bruce’s Last Letter To Me

Appendix II   Jane Patmore—Celebrant’s Tribute To Bruce

Appendix III   My Tribute To My Gorgeous Son Bruce

Appendix IV   Sharing Helps Healing - Stories Of Loss

Sharing Thoughts And Feelings Of Depression And Suicide

Loss Of A Baby

Loss Of A Son

Loss Of A Son

Loss Of A Sister

Loss Of A Sister

Loss Of A Brother

Loss Of A Stillborn Child

Loss Of A Son

Loss Of A Sister

Loss Of A Father To Suicide

Loss Of A Dad

Loss Of Bruce: A True Mate And Friend

Appendix V   Coping Tips And Exercises

Controlling Relationships

Sociopathic And Narcissistic Behaviour

Coping Exercises

Systematic Repetition

Habits

Past Conditioning

Just A Thought?

Habits Exercise

Mindbites Meditation: Letting Go Exercise: To Help You Let Go Of Emotional Pain

My Abc Techniques

A For Affirmations

3 Ps Principle

Affirmation Examples

B For Breathing

Effective Breathing Exercise

Calm Breathing Exercise

Focus Breathing Exercise

Relaxation Breathing

C For Creative Imagery

Creative Imagery Examples

Mindbites Meditations – Creative Imagery Titles And Information

Mindbites: How To Visualise

Stress Symptoms And Areas Affected By Stress

Life Events Stress Scale

Red Door/Blue Door

Appendix VI   Blogs – Excerpts From Before And After My Loss

Coping With Loss

Find Your ‘Why’

Resilience – Become Strong

Fix You

Appendix VII   List Of Photographs

INTRODUCTION

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Bruce: Thoughtful sitting

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always. Robin Williams¹⁰

My mind was racing:

What made me think something was wrong?

Why did I delay in taking any action?

Would it have made a difference?

When I did act, I had this dreadful knot in my stomach. I prayed everything would be alright.

I went to Bruce’s flat with my neighbour and friend, Chris Gair. We did not need to break down the door. It was slightly open. I moved to go in, but Chris held me back and he went in. I heard his voice calling ‘Bruce, Bruce’. Time seemed to stop. I was desperate for Chris to come out with Bruce beside him. But he came out alone. I heard words, as if in the far distance ‘He’s gone, Pat, He’s gone’.

I wanted to rush in, comfort my boy, but Chris stopped me. I started to say something but was interrupted by Chris’ words which were to bring comfort later ‘He looks peaceful, he looks peaceful’. I cannot thank Chris enough for what he did for me that terrible night and especially for sparing me the tragic scene which I know I could never have erased from my mind. At least my memory of Bruce remains as my boy: the complex ‘dark’ and ‘light’ character that he was.

You never know how you are going to act or react when faced with the awful tragedy that your son has committed suicide.

Time stands still, yet it rushes on for the outside world. The police needed to be called. Neighbours started appearing. I hear myself saying: My son has committed suicide.

I find myself telling everyone I meet, neighbours, strangers, everyone: ‘My son has committed suicide’. I’m not sure why, perhaps it was my way of dealing with the news, somehow to make it real.

Over 5 years have passed since Bruce committed suicide and the