Stories and Insights: 22 Years as a Hospice Chaplain

By Frank Alan Dole

This book takes life lessons and observations from the world of the terminally ill and offers inspirational and instructional stories. In this journey we call life, there are always teachers and mentors who have gone before us and students who follow after us. Picturing this concept, I envision three people on a wooden bridge crossing a stream. The position of these three people shows the one in front, which would be the mentor, one in the middle, a student and also a mentor to the one following. In the broader picture each person has another in front and another behind capturing the idea we are always a mentor / teacher and always the student. My heart's desire with these stories is to both illustrate this principle and honor those who mentored me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jun 22, 2020
• ISBN: 9781973693758

Frank Alan Dole

Frank Alan Dole received his M. Div. in New Testament studies from Temple Baptist Theological Seminary in 1985. He became a hospice chaplain in 1994 until retirement in 2016. Served also as a bereavement coordinator and facilitator 2007- 2016. He was a teacher at Calvary Chapel Bible College extension campus in Fort Walton Beach, Florida 2003-2006. Frank was pastor/teacher 2011-2016 while serving the Air Force Enlisted Village - Bob Hope Village Chapel, Shalimar Florida. He and his wife Cindy now live in Ocala, Florida.

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Copyright © 2020 Frank Alan Dole.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-9376-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9377-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9375-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020910516

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/19/2020

CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 A Sense of Humor Often Helps Us Cope with Life’s Challenges

Chapter 2 Unorthodox Paths to the Heart

Chapter 3 Patients and Their Families who

Touched My Heart

Chapter 4 Honoring Four Mentors

Chapter 5 Lessons and Reflections Can Lead to Practical Applications

Chapter 6 Connecting with People Can Take Many Shapes

Chapter 7 Examples of Patients Who had Advanced Knowledge of Their Own Death

Chapter 8 Personal Growth

Final Thoughts

This book is dedicated to the patients and their families who during their most difficult life challenges took the time to be mentors, teachers, and fellow travelers on this road called life. A heartfelt thank you to my wife, Cindy, who has been supportive, insightful, and encouraging during our journey together over the years. I am also very grateful to Dennis and Linda Thomas. Dennis for his encouragement and truthful feedback and Linda for her labor of love in the editing of the manuscript.

PREFACE

T his book grew out of my 22 years as a hospice chaplain and my interactions with my patients and their families. Many people’s life journeys demonstrate courage, wisdom, and peace within their personal storms. I wanted to share the insights they taught me and at the same time honor the memories of those I grew to love and respect.

I would hope you are challenged, as well as instructed, by my experiences with those facing death, yet who were still very much alive and willing to share their life journeys. All of us have our own stories we live day-by-day. People we meet can add such depth and meaning if we live in the moment as many with a terminal illness have learned to do. When one realizes we are each actually terminal and just the length of time on Earth varies, we allow our perspective on life to be impacted.

Mel Gibson in the movie Braveheart had a line that to me was an Aha moment. He was told if he continued in the direction he was going his adversaries would kill him. His response was, All men die but not all men live. This could not be truer as I have observed humanity and the weight of my own choices.

In April of 2019 I experienced a heart attack. This got my attention and renewed the importance of how I wanted to prioritize the remaining time in my own life’s journey. It has helped me to focus on the challenge of purposeful living with what time I’ve been given and to be sure not to waste it. The importance of others and service to those I’m allowed to connect with in the present have a renewed significance to me.

My desire for the reader is to expand the possibilities of how to minister to those you are allowed to cross paths. The importance of listening, connecting, and responding to the person in front of you without preconceived experiences clouding your interactions are so paramount. May the candid insights into my heart help your journey wherever God leads.

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CHAPTER ONE

"A Sense of Humor Often Helps

Us Cope with Life’s Challenges"

A joyful heart is good medicine.

– Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)

W hen we can laugh at ourselves, we will never cease to be amused is an observed truth illustrated by the stories in this chapter. Within each account are various lessons to challenge the reader to see beyond the surface and develop life applications from those who may interact with life’s events by using their sense of humor to help them cope.

Got Ya

In an adult learning class, offered at Master the Possibilities, where the participants learn how to master the telling of their stories, Jessica encouraged us to capture our stories and experience the joy of sharing them with others. We learned to be present where you are and not to miss the person in front of you. The martyred missionary Jim Elliot put it this way: Wherever you are, be all there. Be 100 percent with that person. Lsten for hidden questions, pain, and concerns. You’ll be able to connect the dots when you look back and build experiences and observations into the stories of your own interactions with people. Through the hard days, storms, pain, and loss there are nuggets of insights and lessons. She asked for a volunteer to tell a story, and before I knew it, I found myself telling this story I now call Got Ya.

Jennie was known in her family as the practical joker. I had the privilege of observing this truth during my bimonthly visits. She was a feisty, fun-loving, twinkle-in-her-eye lady. Her family adored her, and she loved them. As Jennie’s health declined, the family gathered to spend precious moments with her. From time-to-time, I had the privilege of being there and enjoying her sense of humor and observing how she interacted with her family. It wasn’t just her coping mechanism but the way in which she lightened the sadness in the air. For she was content with her life’s journey. She had verbalized a strong faith and a longing to be with her Lord and her husband in heaven. Jennie’s family treasured those final moments the weeks, days, and minutes they had together.

It had now become obvious that her time was drawing closer as she had little food intake and only sips of water or juice. She now had limited interactions with those around her. While Jennie’s family was gathered around her bed, talking, telling stories, and recapping some of their funny times together, Jennie sat up, looked at us, got really quiet and then went limp in her bed. I was quietly observing their reactions, to be a comforter if needed.

A good thirty to forty seconds went by, and it seemed like she had stopped breathing. Then, as we were all looking at each other and wondering if she had taken her last breath, suddenly Jennie sat up and said, Got ya, with a big smile and a weak but contagious laugh.

For a moment, we all saw that twinkle in her eyes once again. She looked at me and said softly, Did they tell you I was the family practical jokester?

I believe this was Jennie’s way of letting us all know she was okay. She was giving us one last memory of her sense of humor and the joy in which she engaged in life. This was indeed her crowning jewel on the title, the family practical jokester.

Jennie joined her beloved husband later that evening. During her memorial service, I told this experience to make sure all of her friends and family heard the story and the application of it to add to their memories of Jennie as the family’s practical jokester. Jennie’s love for her family was given even as she was leaving this world. Memories of Jennie were a comfort to those whom she loved.

We all have our own unique ways to handle events in our lives. When we are known and accepted by those closest to us, we are indeed most blessed. How well have you let people know you?

Best Golf Scores Ever

I could tell that Berry was a character from the very first moment we met. He was a man of strong faith with an equally strong sense of humor. Berry had been dealing with his cancer for over six years. He now had to cope with the cancer affecting his brain. The cancer had played havoc with his memory and other functions. He could be almost normal in his interactions and then just drift off for a while.

He told me about when he first started dealing with his memory and confusion and how his golf partners were understanding and supportive during the early stages of his memory loss. As his disease progressed, he said, Sometimes I would get forgetful. What happened was I’d write down the wrong score or drop a stroke and nobody said anything. During that time, I had the best scores ever.

Berry was hilarious in the way he spoke of his frustration. He was always mixing humor with his decline and ability changes. That’s how he managed his journey with cancer. In the months that followed, Berry and his wife, Angela, became very dear to me. They wanted me to observe and talk openly with them about their journey. They wanted to teach me so I could be more familiar, effective, and understanding about how cancer affects people. They were aware that my future ministry as a hospice chaplain would be enhanced. Yes, you’d be correct in saying they were training me. This added a level of meaning to their journey and helped them focus on me rather than themselves.

I’m glad I had enough insight to listen and learn. They had good church support from their Sunday school class and pastor. Their personal walk with the Lord seemed to increase as their needs became more intense. Though Berry was getting physically weaker, his spiritual walk was becoming stronger. He was ready to go home to be with his Lord.

Berry stated he had been dying now for some months and was tired of the waiting. He remained alert even though he’d drift in and out of consciousness.

Angela was a real jewel of a caregiver. She was a constant source of loving, accepting, and tender support, faithfully ministering to Berry’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. One day she called the office and asked me to come by. When I arrived, she said, I believe he’s getting close, and I wanted you to be here.

Angela sat down by Berry’s right side, while I sat on his left side. Berry was aware of our presence. He smiled and spoke softly but was very weak. Angela was reading Psalm 23 and all was peaceful. Then suddenly, Berry sat up, eyes wide-open, and with excitement in his voice said, I think I’m dying. I’m actually doing it, as he looked toward Angela.

With a big smile, now looking straight ahead, he said, Oh wow, as he fell back on his pillow. At that very moment, Berry had graduated to heaven.

What a mixture of emotions. Angela’s expression held tears of loss and joy for his release. She held Berry in her arms for a little while. Then she said to me, I was reading one of his favorite psalms, and the Lord let him see and feel peace.

We three had developed a bond few get to have. At times, I felt like I shouldn’t be there, but their purpose was to allow me to see life happening. The journey I had with Barry and Angela helped me in many ways. They gave me insights into their journey that enabled me to minister with more compassion and awareness than if I’d never been allowed inside their struggles. If I had worn the professional hat, I’d have missed the opportunity to join in their journey on the level that could make a difference.

The difference was not just in their lives but in mine as well that lasted for the next twenty plus years in hospice care. Berry and Angela saw beyond themselves and their journey to be able to mentor this chaplain in his. There are countless families and patients who received better care due to the experience Berry and Angela allowed me to have. We all collectively thank you.

Trials do not make us what we are; they reveal what we are. Dr. David Jeremiah

A Teenager with an Automated Gag Fart Pillow

Ted was a teenager I had been visiting every other week for about months. We had an okay relationship, but there always seemed to be something missing. Our personalities just didn’t click. Then due to the growth of the hospice census, Ted was assigned another chaplain.

The new chaplain, Jim, has a great and unusual sense of humor. He was also skilled in using his talents and gifts to open the door to serious spiritual conversations. This case with Ted is a good example of how a sense of humor and the right connectedness can change a person’s life.

Ted was mostly bed bound. Both Jim and I picked up that Ted was bored, but Jim was able to break through when he gave him a tremendous gift. The actual gift was not as significant as how it made Ted look forward to and enjoy the next few weeks. I’m not sure why Jim had this thing, but boy was it a hit with Ted.

What was it? you ask.

A remotely activated, volume-controlled-with-multiple-different-sound-effects fart pillow.

Ted and Jim had a ball placing the device in certain locations and then waiting for their next victim. Just the sounds it made, in and of themselves, would send Ted into a hearty laugh. Ted asked Jim to set up the device where the nurse usually sat to complete her visit notes. Ted’s excitement must have risen when she sat down exactly where she was supposed to. Set on a low volume, he made the device work. The nurse looked up, and Ted just looked away, knowing the trap was set. Then he turned up the volume, and it made an impressive loud sound. Ted looked at her and asked, Are you okay? The nurse said That wasn’t me, at that Ted just split out laughing. He then told her about the device and they both started laughing. When Ted added that the new chaplain gave it to him, they both roared. For several weeks after that any visitor was fair game to the same fate - the fart pillow. Ted loved telling Jim about his victims and their reactions. This was the catalyst that built a relationship between Jim and Ted which then lead to a conversation addressing Ted’s inner spiritual concerns. Ted started the conversation by saying I’ve been thinking about heaven. Do you think I’m going to get to go? Jim was able to open the scriptures and share God’s plan of salvation. Answering each of Jim’s questions. As a result of their relationship Jim was asked questions by Ted that had not been shared with anyone else. He claimed that he was afraid of dying and had questions about the afterlife. Thankfully, Jim was able to explain God’s grace and forgiveness offered through Christ’s finished work on the cross. Ted became a follower of Christ after their conversations. God’s timing is critical. His working in a person’s heart behind the scenes is essential. Who knew that a fart pillow that bought humor and laughter into Ted’s life would build such a relationship? Jim was able to build trust so that Ted would ask those essential questions concerning his soul. Thankfully Jim was able to offer a sound answer from Scripture and not just affirm whatever Ted was feeling.

No true peace comes from such shallow dealings with eternal matters.

Bird Clock

Tess was one funny lady. She had been a resident in her nursing home for quite a few years and had won the hearts of all the staff. We had said hello a few times and had some informal visits before she came under hospice care. Therefore, we had a head start on knowing each other. I’m not sure whether she needed a chaplain’s visit or someone to help her roll up her quilt work. A few times I walked by her room not really scheduled to see her and I heard, Frank, would you come in here for a minute? This usually meant 30 minutes at least of rolling and keeping her quilt tight while she stitched another row or helping her move things around her room. Tess was able to offer instructions on the uniqueness of each pattern and the history of quilting. She was informative and really interesting. Yes, 30 minutes minimum but I must admit I rather enjoyed our extra times together. Plus, I didn’t have to chart them. She was actually a breath of fresh air, alert, funny, and engaging. One day Tess called me in and as I started to roll her quilt, I heard a bird singing loudly behind me. I looked but I didn’t see anything but I kept hearing this bird. Then I turned around and Tess was trying her best not to laugh at me. I realized something was up. She blurted out laughing and said, It’s my new bird clock. Sure enough on her wall there was a clock and instead of numbers it had different bird pictures. On the hour the bird pictured for that hour would sing. The bird would sing or tweet its native sound. I told her at first I thought there was a bird loose in her room. She laughed saying, I know, that’s what other people said too. Tess said, I’ve been having fun all week with this clock. Thank God they didn’t sell gun clocks, cuz I’d have one for sure. Humor seemed to carry Tess through her difficult times. She shared some of her stories of loss. There was the death of her husband, followed by the death of one of her sons. She always mixed a sad story with a positive one or a positive note and lessons learned. She would say, You don’t know what tomorrow brings but you can know who holds tomorrow. She had a faith that helped carry her through her difficult times. She once told me she understood her husband’s death because he had been sick and was older but had difficulty accepting her son’s death. She reflected that maybe that was to help her empathize with God and the loss of his son on the cross. She said, The world is fortunate I’m not God - I’m not sure I would give up my son like he did. Tess liked the phrase Your attitude affects your attitude. She said, When my attitude stinks I have to stop and look to the Lord for help. Tess was an example of how one’s life’s values and attitudes can affect your daily walk. She did not have an easy journey, but she was not bitter or angry. She was content. She was alert until the day she died of a heart attack while sitting in her chair, you guessed it, quilting. Even today, at times, when I hear a bird, I can still see her impish expression and smile as she laughed at me trying to find the bird in her room. Tess was quite a lady, engaging in life till the day she died. She had a positive attitude mixed with a huge dose of humor. Her faith impacted her view of the world. The choices Tess made impacted her attitude and her life impacted me.

May we each be challenged to impact others as we attempt to live out our theology through our worldview. May the choices we make reflect our worldview developed through the lens of Scripture.

Code Name - Seagull

Each family has their own unique dynamics in the way they interact. This interaction is built on the personal history of each individual within the family. Their life experiences, personalities, and issues all become woven together creating their own unique impacts. Within most family structures are some individuals who are quite predictable in how one expects them to behave. Some people mature through their experiences while others never seem to learn from the past. Generally speaking, the non-learner believes they are, in fact, correct and everybody else has the problem. Often a crisis will bring these individuals to a boiling point. Their behavior has consequences much like the overflowing of a boiling pot on a stove. They boil over with verbal outbursts, accusations, and interpersonal power struggles. A lot of times these particular individuals live far away from the demands of the day-to-day caregiving offered by another. The changes in the health of the family member on hospice care is often missed or not accepted as the normal progression of the illness. In many situations a person’s negative coping skills have been under the surface for years. Jealousies and sibling rivalries instead of disappearing with age and maturity just get more entrenched in a person’s psyche and may significantly damage family dynamics. Unresolved issues fester and create very biased perceptions of motives and reality. Avoidance and denial are, at best, only temporary band aids attempting to cover a large infected wound. There are many variations but you can see a pattern emerging as siblings act out their unresolved childhood issues. This story illustrates how siblings played out their unresolved issues in real life.

Mary Beth had end-stage Alzheimer’s. Her daughter, Samantha, had been her primary caregiver for the past five years with little help, visits or support from her brother. He was living his own, disconnected life, in another state a long six-hour drive away. He was financially able to help but did so very minimally and always with innuendos about his sister’s poor money management skills. As Mary Beth continued to decline her son was just not involved enough to see or follow the ever-increasing demands on Samantha. When he would visit, every 6-8 months or so, he would make statements like, Mom’s health is declining. What are you doing to help her? He always came with the idea or goal to set Samantha straight, by telling her how to do things correctly and more efficiently. He