Joined at the Heart: Revised Edition

By Nance Vizedom

Joined At the Heart is an autobiography book powerfully filled With Suspense and Drama!

Mystery and passion saturate this inspirational true story of love. An undying quest for truth triggers a gripping voyage of two women and their families. Love and courage carry them through a tumultuous road filled with twists and turns of fate. A road leading to an unimaginable ending.

”OFFERS HOPE AND COURAGE to those who have been faced with tragedy.” D. Myers MSW, adoptee, social worker.

A MOVING PERSONAL STORY, gripping in its poignancy. A rare human document in its honesty. Highly recommend for its dramatic story and compelling invitation to personal healing through love and understading.” R. Severson, Ph.D. author, “Adoption: Philisophy and Experience>

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 10, 2004
• ISBN: 9781796068832

Nance Vizedom

Nance Vizedom, a teacher with her Master’s Degree, advocates education and counseling to combat substance abuse and to address adoption, divorce, and other family issues. She’s been a Confidential Intermediary licensed by Arizona Supreme Court, has conducted workshops for the American Adoption Congress, and has been on radio and television to support those in search of loved ones lost through adoption. Originally published by in 1991, the author revised her book to include additional information due to her readers’ requests. “To survive tragedy is a decision. To not only survive – but to grow and encourage others to grow is a blessing.” Nance Vizedom

Book preview

PROLOGUE

Arizona - 1992

Feeling strangely detached, Nancy scanned the faces seated before her. A stabbing ache spread and tightened its claws forcefully around her forehead as she clenched her child’s Eulogy. She feared the slightest movement would set off an avalanche inside her throbbing temples. Struggling to focus on her friends and family, she forced herself to resist the current tugging her thoughts to the past.

For a moment, she drew strength from her husband’s gentle blue eyes. She hoped he sensed her gratitude for his love and support through this time. Her eyes traveled across the room then rested on her daughter. Thick fringes of curled lashes framed her dark, delicately almond-shaped eyes. Kara reflected a steady, compassionate gaze, offering support and encouragement to her mother. I love you, Nancy thought. Feeling the bond between them, Nancy’s eyes flickered with pride at how her beautiful little girl had so quickly grown into the warm, sensitive woman seated before her.

Thick, heavy air hovered as pain slammed through her in icy waves. With determined effort, she drew in her breath darting her eyes from one face to another. Nancy’s sister, Palma, sat motionless beside their brother, Rick. Watery gray tones of grief tinted her milk white complexion, and Rick’s jaw tightened as he tried to maintain composure painted on his strong, angular face. Her dear friend, Melody, sat in the second row with tears brimming her eyes.

A tightening in her chest jolted Nancy back to the letter she needed to read for the Eulogy. She lowered her eyes, stared emptily at the printed words, and fought the fragmented memories exploding in her mind. She opened her mouth, but her throat tightened.

Nancy winced at the uncanny way funerals have of tearing down facades and putting in perspective what life and death are all about. She stood there, now, with raw open wounds exposed to everyone. She felt vulnerable and empty. She grieved to think of how her actions, no matter what the cause, had contributed to this untimely death. This cruel twist of fate had yanked her worst nightmares into bitter reality.

She had used makeup to try to cover the dark circles of pain that framed her tired eyes, but it all washed away as tears oozed down her cheeks. With final determination, she then took a deep breath focusing only on the words before her.

Softly she breathed the words in her letter hoping they would answer her child’s haunting questions. They reflected the agony of her childhood. They were brimmed full with pathetic excuses for her actions. Vague recollections of the past she so tightly kept closed in a secret part of her started to seep forth with amazing, sickening clarity.

CHAPTER ONE

January 1968 - Pennsylvania

Hey, it’s a long walk home. I’d love to give you a ride. Ed cheerfully called out through the open car window.

Nancy noticed him pleasantly eyeing her full figure as he drove slowly along the curb to match her strides.

It’s nice of you to offer, but no thanks. I enjoy walking.

Although flattered by his approving stare, she questioned his motive for flirting with her lately. She wondered why he was showing interest in an awkwardly shy girl like her who lived on the poor side of town. She wanted to believe his attention was sincere, but her lack of self-confidence mode was off the charts. So she slightly quickened her pace to show him he was wasting his time.

Instead of being discouraged, he flashed her a cute grin as he kept up with her pace. He seemed to appreciate her four foot eleven inch frame that held a figure of a girl who enjoyed her spaghetti - not overly thick, but definitely not slim and willowy. She never felt being stacked as her brother would kiddingly tease, was an appealing quality, but she had to admit, it looked like Ed was enjoying the view.

A sudden breeze interrupted her thoughts as it sent some stray locks of curls into a tizzy. Cringing, she quickly ran her hand through her hair trying to tame them. She didn’t fuss too much knowing her hair had a mind of its own much like she did. As the breeze began to pick up moisture, she was sure her hair was going to begin looking like she put her finger in a light socket. Moisture was not a friend to her curly hair. Embarrassed, she wondered if he thought her struggle with the uncooperative curls was weird.

It’s a little breezy today. Some clouds too. I’d hate to see it start raining on you.

I really don’t have that far to go, she replied trying to look unfazed by the clouds.

She pushed up her dark framed glasses that constantly slid down her ample nose. Then she subtly adjusted her top. She hoped he wouldn’t notice her hand-me-down clothes from her slimmer sister didn’t fit quite right. If he did notice, his face did not show it.

Instead of giving up, he continued to steer his car beside her with a steadfast smile. Not knowing what else to do, she awkwardly picked up her pace a little more. He chuckled but still did not seem deterred.

I think the rain will hold off long enough for me to make it home, she replied intending to cross the street so he could not follow her further. She then noticed a certain endearing glint in his dark eyes and hesitated.

I’d still like to give you a lift.

Needing a moment to gather her thoughts, she tried to take in her surroundings. When she felt nervous, breathing in nature often calmed her. She glanced around noticing the hue of persimmon and gold that shimmered through the thick trees. As she inhaled, the scent of the lush evergreens surrounding them smelled of moisture hinting the rain might start before she could make it home.

Still, the fresh smells in the air were calming her down. She made a point to keep breathing slowly, though, so she wouldn’t hyper-ventilate. Fainting or looking like she was in the midst of some kind of crazy panic attack was the last thing she needed right now.

She focused on the gentle breeze pressing through the tall firs. The slight rustle of the leaves felt crisp and refreshing. It took her attention off the possible shower and her fear of looking like a woman in labor wildly breathing in and out with each contraction.

She noticed his bronze hand steady the wheel while he continued to drive slowly beside her. She liked the muscular stature befitting the track team’s star. She also liked that he wore big awkward glasses like she did and had a kinky head of hair that made her curls that were frizzing more by the minute look tame. Even though she didn’t like those things about herself, she didn’t see them as imperfections in him. She thought they were cute and made her feel a little less intimidated.

I really would like to get to know him, but there is no way I can let Ed take me home. If he saw where I lived, I’d be mortified, she thought.

Her apartment was in a dingy alley across from an old, dirty warehouse. She flinched at the thought of anyone from school knowing where she lived, especially someone as popular as Ed. She resolved to get rid of him.

Ed’s beautiful home, in an exclusive area of town, reflected his father’s prominent position of chief-of-police in the small community just outside of Pittsburgh. She didn’t think a family with such standing would approve of a girl from a broken home who lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Still, she considered his invitation for a ride.

Her heart kept urging her to accept, but her mind told her not to set herself up for a fall. Her reality was shaped by her father’s decision to abandon his family leaving them in dire straights. It was a simple fact she could not ignore as much as she was drawn to Ed’s charm and the hopeful look on his face.

It was his eyes that made her hesitate the most. His gaze made her feel he saw something special in her. She never thought someone like Ed would look at her like she had value.

Ed interrupted her thoughts. He firmly but politely gave it one last try. His pearl white teeth contrasting his coffee skin made his smile even more appealing.

Can I at least take you part way? Come on, give a guy a break, he jokingly pleaded. His unmistakable self-confidence showed he knew it was only a matter of time before he would get his way.

She hesitated one last time then shoved her fears aside. Throwing caution to the wind, she gave in.

Well, okay, but only part way. Just take me to Main Street, please. Before opening the door of his l968 Chevy, she noticed how much care Ed had taken of his car. She was impressed.

The deep shine from the polish gleamed in the sunlight. She noted the meticulous care he had taken with his pride and joy. Nervously, she carefully opened the car door and noticed it was just as nice on the inside.

He leaned back nonchalantly. One arm rested on the door with his other hand confidently holding the top of the steering wheel. When she closed the door, he flashed a wide smile.

Her throat began to feel dry and tight with his gaze. When she tried to swallow, it didn’t alleviate the discomfort, so she concentrated on her surroundings. She liked the mixture of the warm fragrances of his cologne and the spice scented aroma of his car. As they slowly wrapped around her, she felt her muscles begin to relax.

She smiled but wondered once again why a boy who had everything in the world seemed so determined to get her attention and drive her home. Feeling awkward just sitting there staring, she struggled for something to say. She was thankful when he broke the silence.

I’m glad the school day is over. I’m even happier the weekend is finally here. Do you have any plans?

Oh, I’m not quite sure yet, she said in a soft voice that did not sound quite like her own usually loud one.

She came from a family whose whispers could be heard across a room. If you didn’t have a resounding voice in her family, you’d never be heard. They talked, laughed, cried, and loved loud and with total abandon. They wore their emotions on their sleeve and people never had to guess where they stood with them. She liked those forthright and gregarious qualities of her family. Even though she was shy with strangers, she could comfortably let her hair hang down with her verbose family and be as loud as them.

Well, would you like to do something with me?

She shifted uncomfortably. Oh, I’m afraid I can’t. I’m sorry. I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression by accepting this ride. Maybe you should just let me out right here.

You can relax with me. I didn’t mean to make you nervous. I just want to get to know you. I see you at your locker every day and noticed how beautiful you look when you smile. I’ve always been a sucker for a beautiful smile, he chuckled.

Feeling his compliment was sweet, she answered, I have to admit I notice you joking around with your friends a lot. I like that. It’s nice to hear you laughing and kidding around.

My friends are all a bunch of jokers, for sure. We have a lot of fun, he said as they both noticed the sign for Main Street.

I can’t believe we are at Main Street already. Are you sure you don’t want me to take your further?

Absolutely sure, she answered resolutely.

I’m glad we had a chance to talk. I feel we have a connection. I think you feel it too. I can’t figure out what’s holding you back.

He quickly added in an upbeat note, It’s okay for now, but I’m not giving up.

Surprised how easy it was to talk to him, she thought he was right. She felt a connection too maybe because they were both imperfect in some of the same ways. Still, there was no way she could accept a date from him.

When he pulled up to the curb, he reached over and gently touched her arm.

Last chance, I hear there’s a great movie playing at the theater tonight.

She wanted to accept but fought her feelings.

We live on opposite ends of town. I think that might be a problem. Even though I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other, though, I look forward to seeing you around school. She wished she were more graceful as she fumbled with her books before she opened the car door.

Thanks for the ride, Ed, she darted away from the car not knowing what to think and confused by how she felt. When he beeped the horn, Nancy glanced back to see him happily waving as though she had accepted the date.

She shook her head, bewildered at the warm rush she felt as she continued her walk home. The quick beat of her heart matched her racing mind. She liked how it felt talking with Ed, and she liked the way he made her feel, but there was no getting around her living conditions. You need to get your head out of the clouds and be realistic, she chided herself.

She wished things were different. They would be - if her father had listened to her pleas to stay with their family the Christmas Eve before he deserted them. Living with her dad was not easy, but the alternative was dismal. Her mother’s eye condition was progressively getting worse. It limited her vision and ability to work outside the home. An operation to correct the problem could not be performed for a few years. Until then, her chances for employment would be zero.

After that, she did not have the skills to find a job that could provide enough for three children. Nancy couldn’t understand how a man could leave his wife and children to face such poverty. Once he left, she understood even less how he could start a new family and provide practically no support for the ones he left behind. She felt he threw them away like trash. She tried to shake that feeling, but it left a scar.

Thankfully, her mother did her best to counterbalance her father’s effect on them. Mary, a feisty, outspoken Italian woman, attracted everyone with her open heart, frank attitude, and engaging directness. She bellowed when she laughed and always knew what to say when anyone needed a confidante. Her sincere yet gutsy attitude gave her petite frame the appearance of a woman to be reckoned with, yet her earthy aura wrapped around people like a soft blanket filled with warm comfort.

She did everything she could to show her love. Her eyes were the most beautiful, tender green eyes Nancy had ever seen. They danced when she laughed and sparkled with highlights of jade that captured her vibrant essence. They had a special way of blending a gentle look with a warning to keep her children quiet when needed. Her eyes gave them comfort yet warned them not to make any noise if their Dad was in a bad mood or fell asleep after drinking too much. They all knew if anyone disturbed his sleep, there would be hell to pay.

One of her mother’s ways to fend off her Dad’s bad moods was to prepare him his favorite dessert. She’d place two scoops of ice cream directly in the middle of a whole cantaloupe cut in half. She’d fill each half generously with ice cream then quickly serve it to him. This usually settled him down and put him in a better mood. Not grateful, but in a better mood. She wondered if it ever occurred to him to show gratitude or to do anything nice like that for her mother.

She wished he was more like his siblings. They all treated her mother like family and were nice to her and her siblings. They were a close-knit fun-loving family. She especially liked when her Uncle Albert played concertina at family gatherings.

She hoped if she ever married, she wouldn’t have to dance around or think of creative ways to keep peace in the house like her mother did. She definitely didn’t want her children to have to learn the art of becoming invisible to avoid being the brunt of a foul mood like she and her siblings did. Whether it was Ed or someone else who she would commit to someday, her top priority was that he would be the opposite of her dad. She wanted to be in a relationship where she vibrated with color and didn’t have to fade into the wall to feel safe.

Still thinking about the position her father left them in, she felt resentful. She knew they were better off in some ways. She couldn’t help but wonder, though. If he had stayed, maybe getting to know Ed better wouldn’t be so far-fetched.

A few rain drops interrupted her thoughts as she approached the street where she lived. She was glad she accepted the ride, or she would have definitely been drenched by the time she got home. She didn’t know what she’d say if he wanted to give her another ride. For now, she was glad he didn’t push taking her further than Main Street.

The rain suddenly changed from a sprinkle to a heavy flow. She couldn’t see out of her glasses, so she took them off and sprinted the rest of the way home. Instead of continuing to feel bad about her situation, she thought about how nice it was to ride part of the way home with Ed.

Before she realized it, she sprang into a playful jog, giggling the rest of the way home. Her heart sang to the beat of the rain as the cascading drops washed away thoughts of the past. She let go of the apprehension about Ed for a moment and allowed herself to feel delighted and hopeful.

#

Shortly after, a friend told them about a little guest house that would be available for rent soon. Mary knew her children hated living in the alley. She knew they missed the home they used to have. They loved playing ball on the street with the kids, putting on neighborhood plays, having a beautiful back yard with grass and fruit trees, and walking down the street visiting with nice neighbors – especially their grandmother’s friends from Italy, who spoke little English, but always welcomed them in their homes with a big hug and candy.

They all rallied around their grandmother during some tragic times. Losing her eight year old daughter from rheumatic fever, her twenty-three year old son from kidney problems, and her husband from heart failure shortly after would have brought some women to their knees with no hope of rebounding. But, with the help of such tight-knit friends, she found a way to move forward.

Mary wanted a neighborhood like that for her children but she wasn’t sure they could afford the rent. When Nancy and her siblings saw her hesitation they did their best to convince her to make the move. They each figured out a way to help.

They tried to convince their mother a paper-route for Rick was perfect, a few more hours at the department store for Palma was reasonable, and getting a job at the local theater was something Nancy would like.

Although she was proud of her children wanting to help, she voiced her concerns about them working and going to school. She feared it was taking on too much. They all assured their mother they could work and keep up with school.

With all of us pitching in, Mom. We can do this, Palma said as Rick nodded. Nancy started to jog around the room.

See how much energy I have. I have enough energy to work, go to school, and run the marathon if I wanted. She giggled.

You always know how to make me laugh, Nan. It tickles me that we are so much alike.

She loved how her mother shortened people’s names. Her name often became Nance or Nan depending on her mother’s mood.

If you all want to do this, we will see if we can swing it, Mary said knowing once her children made up their minds to something, they wouldn’t let it go.

#

Everything fell into place. Nancy started working at the local theater. She worked during the evenings and weekends. Palma liked the increased hours at the local department store, and Rick easily slid into the paper route. Mary’s friend, Jean who mentioned a little guesthouse was for rent near her, set up a time for them to look at it. Jean and her husband were Nancy’s idea of a perfect couple. They enjoyed each other’s company and made a point to go on long walks together every day hand in hand. She loved that they might be neighbors.

When they looked at the guesthouse, they thought it was perfect for them. It was small, but on a nice street, and the price was right. They were all excited about the cottage and their move away from the alley.

The little house was located behind the main house. It only had three small rooms. The kitchen, the largest room in the house, was warm and bright. Through the window you could see the long walkway lined with tall, leafy, emerald green trees that warmly greeted people who came down the walkway. The kitchen was the most important room in the house for Nancy’s family. Mary especially liked to sit and drink her coffee in front of the kitchen window. Sitting around the kitchen table, sharing with one another was an important part of each day.

An archway led from the living room to the bedroom Nancy, her sister, and her brother would have to share. There was barely enough room to squeeze in three twin beds and a dresser. Mary wanted her children to have the bedroom, so she planned to sleep on the couch.

There was no bathtub, merely a sink and toilet. A thin partition extending only three quarters of the way up the wall was all that separated the bedroom from the bathroom. The trap door on the floor in the bedroom opened into a cellar that had a shower. A cold, damp, moldy, smell permeated the dimly lit cellar. It was not a place one would want to linger for a long soothing shower.

The tiny house still held its charm for her, though. Most of all, she was delighted she would finally be out of the alley in a neighborhood she could once again walk down the street feeling safe and visiting with neighbors. She smiled to herself. This will be a great neighborhood to go trick-or treating. She and her family loved Halloween. Mary dressed up