Heroine, First Female Elite Special Forces Uk: My Early Years & How We Went to Mars

By Alison Sarah James MC

AUTHORISED BY SAS/SBS/SIS, WING COMMAND IN TOEHOLDER AUTHORITY, CHIEF VETTER SIR JEREMY HEYWOOD.

From British Intelligence files [INT.] held by elite special forces, an account of early years of our own Alison Sarah Cross-Rudkin ~Sammie~ as first female selected for combat UK Special Air Service (SAS), Special Boat Service (SBS) and Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), with commentary from records in Security Service MI5 [home] & SIS MI6 [overseas]; selected aged 6 by Col. Sir David Stirling for training in special operations, this book showcases the period up to her official listing 1970 aged 12 granted by UN under Geneva Convention, zipping on to her trip to Mars as 001 with Wing Commander Simon Prior 002, expert survivalists, reliant ultimately on NASA’s brilliant rocket scientists!

An unexpected delight! INT. reveals Tsar/Romanov family escape prior to Russian Revolution, via British military special-Zinger-file-operation, leaving behind an utterly convincing TALL TALE!

ALISON JAMES: ‘Grateful for my chance to make the world a better place, here is a taste of what was involved in becoming UK 001 de facto as schoolgirl Hunny Bunny, now General SAS/SBS/Paras.Reg./Fusiliers & Royal Marines, awarded 29 MCs & dozens of medals for bravery, inc. USA Navy Seal Valor Medal. My most favourite results, though, my five children, loved so much!’

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728389561

Alison Sarah James MC

ALISON JAMES: ‘Hope you enjoy original scribbles from raiding our Intelligence files, de-classified now by PM Johnson, to reveal the truth behind anti-communist revolution after years of hard work by brave 00s and beyond, the Iron Curtain rising in 1989 to end the arm’s race between super-powers USA & Soviet Bloc. We must reap peace dividend translated into international law by global ban-the-bomb UN Treaty; help us ensure WMD-holding States all sign up together, why wait? This book should make you feel safer with UN supporting reassurance we offer on mundane truths behind scary poisonings where Putin’s Russia is innocent; the atrocities reported are traced back to spy stuff seen originating in Cold War. My honour to be awarded 37 MCs now, eight turn up hidden by former PM, fancy that!’ Previously published ‘HEROINE, FIRST FEMALE ELITE SPECIAL FORCES UK’ VOL. 1 ‘MY EARLY YEARS’ & VOL. 2 ‘HOW WE WENT TO MARS’ VOL. 3 ‘SIS, SAS & SBS SPECIAL OPS. 1970 – 1979 & IRA PEACE PACT’

Book preview

HEROINE ,

FIRST FEMALE ELITE

SPECIAL FORCES UK

MY EARLY YEARS &

HOW WE WENT TO MARS

ALISON SARAH JAMES MC

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AuthorHouse™ UK

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Copyright © 2019 Alison Sarah James MC. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse   06/28/2019

ISBN: 978-1-7283-8953-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-8952-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-8956-1 (e)

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CONTENTS

Foreword

By Ex-Sbs Jeremy Heywood, Lord Heywood

Prelude

Chapter  One

Order-Sas Special Op 401: Cold War Killer On Run. Plse Eliminate Now!! Sgnd M, T’day!

Chapter  Two

She Continues In March ’65 - Montenegro, Child Trapped In Hell-Hole, Three Die Rescuing Her, Can Romanova Go There Now From School, M?

Chapter  Three

Backflippin’ Madly Over Her-Story, Pun On History, 0-6 Yrs!

Chapter  Four

Aged 7 Harvests A Grandfather…Grandmamma Has Gone On To Death

Chapter  Five

See! I Hurt Me, Not You! Pride Comes Before A Fall Ligger-Archie!

Afterword

By Gen. Sir Peter De La Bilière

Volume 2 How We Went To Mars!

Chapter  One

Aspirations Is Their Coda To Me, She Must Go! Luca!!Mi6 1969 ‘ Failure Is Not An Option, Nasa’s Mantra’ Quotes Sammie, Crossing Her Fingers’

Chapter  Two

Take Off! Walking On Mars! Here Comes Hunny Bunny!

Verification

Post-Script

In

honour of all special forces especially mine host in the force as he calls himself,

Lt. Col. Sir Archibald David Stirling DSO

15 November 1915 – 4 November 1990

‘With my love, sleep, sweet boy and soon we will be together’

I say to INT. aged 5, ‘OK? If he dies.’

BUT FIRST, FROM MI5 AND MI6:

ALISON SARAH JAMES MILITARY CV

1970 Aged 12 Special Air Service, SAS, WHO DARES WINS! Registration at SAS and UN under the Geneva Convention: FIRST FEMALE SELECTION NOW LEGAL as Alison Sarah Cross-Rudkin. Selected aged 6 as 001 commando now validated, secret SIS, SAS and SBS! Honoured to be announced commando 002 in official lists [Has to be a Major to take up her true position as official 001! MI6 Victor] Ecuador tests passed aged 12, father brought over to deny her age but writes 12 and signs permission form in a jungle hut!

1972 Passes Special Boat Service, SBS, BY STEALTH AND GUILE! Selection aged 6 honoured as SBS Captain now, at boater 001 to this day after Royal Marine training completed aged 14 and one day! Appointed SAS Captain. Samurai-trained by Japanese Grand Master Vitrolas, Shinto-style, spiritual-school of martial arts. Certificate in judo. Boxing, sword and fencing skills. [NEVER LOSES A FIGHT! EVER! WING COMMAND RAF, WE SHOULD KNOW!]

1973 June Americans request a falsity to avoid her death being to their President’s account for her stealing Pentagon papers. Cleared of wrongdoing in court in USA after she ends Vietnam War where she has served with distinction from aged ten, receiving a medal for job she performs, corpses galore! ‘Well done pretty!’ says Navy Seal commander Vann. Black folk dying in droves, when she sent there again aged 12 on-the-run from IRA, but she tackles President Richard Nixon on black deaths she insists are callous where she only white person on battlefield with them all as Ezra ran, so President asks for error denial on her death aged 13 as ‘a Captain’ reported to be in death crash with fatally injured Lt. Col. John Paul Vann, ‘my beautiful friend indeedy’ she says, ‘murdered by filthy animals, five a’pigsa!’ MI6 Victor: Er, by USA President’s orders, you heard it here first. Vetted Gavin Williamson MOD ‘as Tricky Dicky a dirty player!’ SIS exams completed. SIS operations performed as SBS or SAS to public, same ops as ONLY Special Forces are ‘licensed to kill’ although SAMM chooses no weapon as commando… ‘where I am permitted protection under the Geneva Convention as soldier in hostilities’ she says [That’s combat! Gavin explains] Gp. Capt. Dominic Toriati: I gave the orders but she is a law unto herself, but we love her anyway, and that’s for real because she’s good… Judge Morrison ICC: ‘SF includes SIS clarifies the point.’

1975 Main SAS tests declared final, including air jump without aids, signed age consent, valid to take effect at midnight 17th birthday. Confirmed as SIS Lead tripper, aged 17 tomorrow. No longer secret to service personnel. TopGun 001 officially as soon as she is SAS Major but true de facto from 1964, of impeccable character she is rated TopGun always

1978 Aged 20 SAS General, INT. Intelligence ‘but has to parade as commando instead until she is 90’ MI6 joke

1980 Appointed Major in Parachute Regiment and Fusiliers.[Top first class honours, LLB Law. Law Soc Pt 2 exam success; Linklaters lawyer, excelling, still SF, counted as regular]

1982 Appointed Colonel, Paras. Reg. [‘She’s the best we’ve got!’ Mrs Thatcher admires her]

1984 Now Colonel in Fusiliers

1985 Told she was announced to be Goldstar in 1982 FOR LIFELONG PERMISSION TO SPEAK FOR THE REGIMENT AND SPECIAL OPS. GOLDEN GIRL HER NEW CODE AT UN [so free to speak under Official Secrets Act now. Judged necessary to speak out to protect herself and Regiment. Daily Mail oblige, THANK YOU. MI6]

1988 Appointed Admiral of the Fleet. Appointed Major, Royal Marines, SAS and SBS, to await announcement

1990 Announced as Major TopGun MI5/MI6 as official SAS 001 and already official SBS 001 [Nelson Mandela calls her ‘a wonderful woman, modest and serene, and heroic too is right.’ MI6 to record her attributes modestly as Press ignore her makes her sincerely nicer to us is true][Ian Fleming’s harpy swoops in on her for champagne breakfast at Tiffany’s, 001 WOW, he exclaims!]

1992 Royal Marines announce her as Colonel Zippy! Her name as Navy Seal USA after Ranger USA FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT AFTER ENTRY 1968 AGED 10 AND ENDORSED 2,905 TIMES SINCE, COL. ZAPPY CONFIRMS WITH A SMILE! No hyperbole, then, she smiles! [AND NOW MOTHER OF FIVE BLESSED CHILDREN, WELCOME TO OUR HOME!]

1994 SAS AND SBS COLONEL AT LAST! Brigadier RM

1995 Canadian Mountie ‘I fight a black bear, officer as reward’ [Thanks her 3-year-old son Alex for tips to help grizzly bear survive his fall!]

1997 Brigadier All Regiments, save SF 2000, read on

2000 Brigadier SAS and SBS. Appointed UN WEAPONS INSPECTOR under Hans Blix by Letter from UN to Tony Blair, PM, UK

2001 Royal Marines Saviours Full General [abrogated to 2004 by decision of main rival due to September 11th 2001 refusal of authorities to WIN AGAINST TWIN TOWERS TERRORISTS when she WARNS with DATE and PLACE accurate in AUGUST 2001. 2004withdrawn. Now 2001 non-abrogation, GW 2019] Colonel-in-Chief SAS at men’s request, secures future as M, now Q.

2002 Major-General (All Regimental Depts. specified, other than RM Full General 2001)

2003 Lt General (As before) All the rest happens for Full General Elite Special Forces specialist SAS (essential: qualified total battlefield command Iraq War) 2006 187* General by 2010 promotion [now 999* General, astronaut skills counted publicly and they are we confirm today from UN referee Ocha Fone. SAMM TO BE KNOWN AS HIPPIE GENERAL BY GAVIN WILLIAMSON’S ORDER], Greens General 2004 and play Paras. as second fiddle. Pass granted but need to establish level of Command in Paras. Date fixed: soon

2004 Greens Full General. Parachute Regiment General Appointee granted after tests in parachuting at General level 2006 all but one marked in action abroad already, including carrying Head of Enemy State on her back whilst she parachutes to ground under enemy and friendly fire! Test ‘the but one’ involves 207 mph landing as no parachute until 4 feet off the ground, proving stealth skills [landed running, tester developed tremor of the hands for three days? Later ‘fesses ‘7 months.’Victor MI6 adds, newsworthy to me! SAMM says: ‘I dare, but not to beat SAS Ezra so left it generously wide off the mark to pull ripcord so he could win! I was going like a bullet and thought I will end up in a 60-foot-deep rabbit hole but obedient to test specification I pulled the cord at the last possible moment, 4 feet from the ground!’ He is ‘disgraced out of Paras.’ he says at 6-foot ripcord and a big hole in the ground! Luckily, he went last… VICTOR: LIKE YOUR WINGSUIT, DESCRIBE IN CV WALKING UP 800FT WALL ‘It is like being carried by someone else as you walk free,’ she always surprises us after the event! Eighteen films showing off her as someone else, we grumble for SAS, cheerfully patient is her, Gavin W.] [Note: Training session at RAF Sealand, Connah’s Quay, at 14 when jump 40,000 feet WITHOUT parachute is void and nul too, is it? THIS ONE REALLY IS BAD NEWS! MARS MUST BE MADE PUBLIC! NOW! THIS MINUTE! PM TESSA MAY states in Parliament without your knowledge but is it reported properly yet? NO! Get on with it!Tessa sends message to her, 2017 or so]

2006 SAS Full Metal Jacket General after Greens General [Fusiliers, weapons experts] 2004 and Parachute Regiment General 2006

2007 SBS Full General after Royal Marines Full General 2001

2008 Field Marshal agreed by UN, ICC and UK State including Blair and Cameron, both as PM [Qualifying Summary, her extra-curriculars in total: Brings peace to Israel and Egypt singlehandedly during the Six Day War, announced 12 years later by Sadat. Ends the Vietnam War by stealing the Pentagon Papers and represents cutely both sides in a Supreme Court case to obtain publication rights for The Washington Post. Peace permanent in Belfast and Northern Ireland, her goal achieved in 1976 with all the leaders of IRA/INLA lot and Paisley lot as she called them, then de-commissioning troubles; Ends Cold War singlehandedly acting for USSR and USA, then brings down Berlin Wall; Ends apartheid spectacularly well for Nelson Mandela; UN Woman of the Year twice, papers hidden by messenger afraid of breaching Official Secrets Act; Awarded Sainthood in Russia since then, we are told by ICC! UN commando 001 for 9 years or more, SPETZNAZ 001 trained and tested, ops 6 years there or Africa or Australia; Israeli Elites status granted 1976 as she rescues hostages in Entebbe raid at 001 and performs miracles in peace treaty resulting in two-State solution; Navy Seal 50 years now, maximum reached, on 002 or 001 over all Ops and trains four Honour Guards including Chris Kyle and Rob O’Neill [002 and 003 when I am there as 001, Iraq War] Acts as UN Weapons Inspector for Middle East and other world parts! Conviction achieved 2011 for Tony Blair as PM of grave charges of war crime and murder ordered of Princess Diana as he is jealous when she is subject of adulation after giving a landmine-banning speech written totally by Alison James for herself, but requested of her to increase Diana’s popularity publicly]

2010 Appointed Field Marshal 39* [hush-hush condition reigns for one year approx. viz. To have Tony Blair judged a war criminal and admit it by her legal skills and operational success in WMD disposal and after she wins in ICC 2011 he does admit it to the Press outside ICC or thereabouts but it is barely reported] Quote from MI6: ‘To show her love for you all, RAF Group Captain Toriati accuses her at the ICC of following orders ‘in her own way’ and MI6 confirm she is guilty then of ushering in détente from behind the Iron Curtain, singlehandedly abolishing apartheid in Africa and bringing peace to Ireland, as well as numerous heroics abroad, particularly in everything she did. No arguments against this from the Blair camp in the case and Tony Blair added of her ‘because you did so much to stop the wrecking of the world all around the world, particularly in Iraq and Northern Africa and all over the Middle East.’

2010 Appointed Wing Commander. David Stirling, DS, insists on this for me. DS says to me for my book, ‘Sammie the only important thing I say is ‘I smile on other people’s heads and tell them what to say! But not you, Archangel Gabriel, you! I need to do that and I am sure they needed me especially Dave Cornwell but he is brilliant like you are too! That’s why I let him be 001 officio for life, but he resigned today[08.03.1987 for when it suits him to hand over, 1990 in fact] for you to be 001 for life too as you are so able and no-one can touch you ever on what you did in Africa it was superb. The crown for you, our jewel!’ Now go to your friend KGB bovver boy and put his hat in the ring for being next President if you must, girlie but watch your step, eh? The Government undermine us at every step on the crooked way to Heavenly connubial bliss in the peace zonas we seek here and there to make a safe haven for lifers to enjoy a cigarette or two.’MI6 APPROVED.INT.

2010 Appointed Commando Trainer UK and Trainer Worldwide. Badge of Distinction Awarded

2010 S. for SAMM also known as M at MI6 HEAD OF POLICY UK STRATEGY UNIT [Victor assists using her words with UN and SAS in support as she is dissed by LIAR Philip Hammond as Minister of Defence [or faking Ministry-post! Signed Gavin] and by Michael Fallon who does not accept girl power! David Cameron is where? Telling lies! Victor MI6 She thanks Lord AdAM who held the fort as M when demanded in London too by PM using her policy declarations whilst she fought in Iraq and Afghanistan until 2012; thinks he may be related to me, gains his own knighthood, so not inheriting one!]

MEDALS AT 26.03.2019 when bigwigs review file.STANDS AT 19 VCs; 29 MCs – 9 distinguished, 4 great valour, 2 protected by Home Office Orders; 7 Gallantry medals, one Distinguished Gallantry Order and 67 foreign medals or awards mostly for valour, including a Military Congressional Medal for valour as Navy Seal CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL CITATION FROM THREE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES: For the valor and the courage shown in combat with no weapon but your hands to defend you, you overcome savagery and inhumanity in all forms to triumph in national heroism. We honor you! From the President of the United States who beheld you as a heroine in his hairbrow home, Harrow-on-the-Hill, George Bush. Also from the black man you inspired to stand as President, Barack Obama. And lastly from the twit in the golf club saga, Donald Trump. Threo of Presidents, August 2009, as amended, and WELL DONE! THEY ALL SHOUT! AS SAS have to whisper your name now

FOREWORD

BY EX-SBS JEREMY HEYWOOD, LORD HEYWOOD

I love Alison very much and I hope she receives this after my death if I die today. I have great pleasure in having vetted her book volumes. I am relieved to receive a valid source of check-mate players as I am accused in fact and have to seek directions from NASA all through the year after your Mars trip as I am afraid of wilting my flowers international-relationship-wise, ‘mothership returns today to Earth’ is my dream come true since I cried to hear of your demise due any day in 1976 as SBS junior!

Oh my God it was a shock to me! No cancer for us, I think, as we had to bear that shock but you survive, so take care my friend as your son will die if you are vilified by the fakes and frauds in press sandwiches they made of your super life, Bunty will die bored by you, but you will die a housewife is all I fear!

You are the best tonic I ever had! Blast it from the rooftops! Silly me if we can’t publish! X love you if I die! And if I don’t! You light up my world! Pussy bollocks he calls you but spunk him never! SBS talk! Loving you\that’s it, talked out my stresses!

Thanks for the memories! You are first woman in elite special forces, in combat for your country, in Heaven probably and certainly on Mars! Heroine in the title if possible, please! As loyal crown servants we are publishing and vetting our story in Her Majesty’s honour for our country, not for money-bags fuller than Satan’s sack, she’ll give excess to charity if it’s a big hit! We demand the public share our glee, Prime Ministers must answer for their cruel acts, that’s why Alison as SAS Sammie stands up for me in the ICC in The Hague against Blair in 2003 before the Iraq War starts – and the Americans have their own reasons, she says, for Iraq War, see her Six Day War tale of woe for Bush-reasons. Heaven comment is hers below, I will see her there! Jeremy, Cabinet Secretary 9th April 2015

LORD HEYWOOD DIED TODAY 5th November 2018

PS I LOVE YOU! SIR MARK SEDWILL ADDS THIS POST-SCRIPT ‘Please make Mars pleasant isn’t right. ?Question why you would.’ Handwritten note added firmly.

[My dear friend Jeremy will have a reserved place in Heavenly Paradise, Alison assured him!]

PRELUDE

NOTE: WHO ARE ELITE SPECIAL FORCES SOLDIERS? Aged 2, I think how silly to say war must be played by RULES as the soldier cheating could KILL ALL enemies [spelling corrected by me] by spicing-up their foodie-food in cooky-pots using laburnum leaves or foxgloves, GLUE even!

Aged 7, I tell the BBC that SF play by different rules, derring-dos like anarchy rules! ‘Go away with you!’ says my friend Col. Sir David Stirling, his winning idea, beset with disaster initially, for defeating sadistic Germans fighting Great Britain in World War 2 is to establish a company of brave soldiers operating in a daring ‘fourth way’ outside of the traditional warfare triumvirate of ‘air, sea and land armed forces’ using ‘subversive activities or hitting the enemy behind his lines but not necessarily below the belt.’ The aim is to sabotage and survey behind enemy lines ‘from every angle’ – ‘this was achieved for the most part by infiltration of agents who alone or with other agents recruited locally disrupted the enemy’s communications’ or destroyed ‘his war production’ machine, a technique ‘both more accurate and benign than aerial bombardment.’[Quotes from ‘The White Rabbit’ - a narration by Wg Codr Forest Frederick Edward Yeo-Thomas GC MC of operations in WW2 behind enemy lines by SOE (Special Operations Executive, Britain’s secret service in France) to author Bruce Marshall, 1952, Evans] ‘SEE? WE FIGHT EVIL-DOERS ON THEIR OWN PATCH!’ Aged 7 to BBC. Aged 14: Selecting specific targets renders devastation-techniques more benign to civilians and life generally, totally in my case, I always check ‘em all out!

INT. codas – square brackets and quotation marks are left unclosed for ‘unfinished business’ OR closed when not open for ‘done n dusted, without ado’ or for emphasis, and lower or upper case characters used to show disdain or highbrow, leaving us extra commas as OOOH! Spelling = INT./sources, so our ‘client’s’ residence is Tsarkoe Selo, as Tsarskoe typos go home to Russia before bedtime, we never will, says Tsar Nix, no plurals now.M.1920 The derogatory word ni—er is used from INT. but none of us would use that term of abuse, OK?M.2019

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TATIANA’S WEDDING, SHORT SKIRT, DARINGLY! FRONTISPIECE PLEASE! OR ANYWHERE, OK? July 1929 INT. She pulled it off, her knickers up too! [‘ALL ROMANOVS ON SAM’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY exc. A. Jones, Esq.’ Her family are NOT imposters, we mean INT., noting absence of Maria Romanova, married elsewhere… From left, bridegroom’s parents, wife seated, say ‘We are Romanovs if you want us in the picture, leave us out though if you like, eh?’, next, Alfred Jones behind his seated wife, Olga Romanova Jones, then bridegroom and bride, bride’s father Nix next to her, his son Alexei his other side, Anastacia seated, next to mother Lix, right. ‘Grandpapa Nix on his knees I thought, but that handsome kindly fellow of his own home never again is standing at his full shorter height, taller than her father is my Nan…’ 1969 aged 11 Sammie Cross-Rudkin signs off]

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My christening, aged 3 months, July 20th 1958. From left, Beryl with Pip, Dolly with me on step of 7 Wentworth Avenue, godmother Betty Nelson from Sheffield, godmother Tatiana’s new role lamenting ‘Fila says Measure ‘em up’ ‘n’ measures me 5’ 8" as his friend he wishes to be with, I suppose, wrongly, so I say he is right…’INT. FILE MEASURING ‘EM UP! ‘IM SAYS, FILA S-W-M.1932.

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Me, bride of Midge, school nickname from initials MDJ ‘opusworkusINT. says of Martin aged 11 ardent to marry Sam, our girlie.

CHAPTER

ONE

ORDER-SAS SPECIAL OP 401: COLD WAR KILLER ON RUN. PLSE ELIMINATE NOW!! SGND M, T’DAY!

24 hours later Hunny Bunny hits SAS listings as chart-topper 001 heroine, cornered, taking the rap wisely in public as Saint Sammie!

‘I am the bee’s knees,’ I think, wondering why a child is required in London, surely they would use their relatives, not me, an unknown in the cast? I am sitting in the front seat of a big car purring along the A4, a smile all over my face which I am trying to keep private. We reach a place Iron-Man Claus pronounces as Chiswick with a silent ‘w’ where we slow down for a man to be picked up. ‘This is Uncle Paul,’ I am told.

I smile even more, unaccustomed is wrong, ‘Oh! Hello, how are you? Do you need me in the back or the front?’

Good! I am able to speak easily to the men of SAS, hoorah!

Languidly, well, not dangerously to his thinking, he sits me in his lap in the front seat as we whizz off! WHOOSH! The driver is called Claus, ‘but not pronounced as in Santa, more with a Russian accent,’ he laughs. We head west and arrive at our destination, an ice rink, in nearby Power Road, across a green.

‘Rinky dinky,’ I say, before repeating my instructions, ‘So I must not talk at all. And I am your child? Got it!’

I hope they do not kill anyone, that’s terrible unless he is evil to them, I suppose. I will give nothing away if I must not speak, good I’m OK then to help this be safe for them, so that’s that.

We go ice-skating, I hold Paul’s hand all the time, we even fall over together; I cry, to my shame, as the skate goes over my foot. When we get home I say, ‘I cry as I am acting the part, his child, when I fall, ok?’

They all laugh. I have memory block on the job as I willed it away, not being allowed to speak and failing to follow the only rule! I say to SAS team, ‘I do this work for Jesus, you have to know that.’

Now they know me.

My teacher says, coldly, on Monday, ‘I hear you killed a Russian last week?’

I reply, shocked at the character assassination, ‘I DID NOT.’

‘He has supersona,’ I say of the Russia man’s killer to the police, who come to my school near Liverpool. [Hmm, news travels fast. False gossip at supersona, add MI6] I am tracked down through my name on the waiting list for the Catholic Brownie pack, 2nd Heswall, Our Lady & St. John’s Church.

I cried for the right to be allowed into the only Brownie hut in Pensby where I live in house Number 469 on the road from Birkenhead to Heswall, but I am only acceptable if they decide I am Catholic ENOUGH! I am hopeful of success in owning one Catholic grandmother, the other a wacky Muslim who performs séances for the Spiritualist Church, both residing in rented homes in Wallasey where each raises a sole child; one child growing up to be an ex-Catholic who is guiltily avoiding Hell-fire as his Destiny and the other an ex-Muslim guiltily avoiding pork until a Sunday roast transgression leads Nan to cry: ‘It’s a breakdown of me hope.’ These single children become my parents who post leaflets through doors for the Liberal partyINT. ‘We do not mind red-bed Sammie,’ swears SAS Colonel Stirling, ‘our starling never! Our SAINT!’ Pa responds: ‘Bird analogy FAILS, ZILCHEROO! I said to a civil service Permanent Secretary ‘but I’ll leave the civil service Commie-free as you WARNED ME, OK? Passim.’ DS replies ‘OK, SHE’S A FUCKING BLACKBIRD!’ So Pa is a Liberal defeats his critics of reds-under-the-beds-typers, I laugh, as they are SO WRONG about him unless Liberals rebel, then I am ONE TOO!INT.Is she right? PM Harold Wilson agrees, saying of her Pa, ‘…although as rabid trade unionist he is always extraordinary in his demands.’INT. FILE HOMEWARD BOUND1964

Our household reads The Guardian newspaper daily, printed in Manchester version. I know the respectful word, aTheists, for my parents show of contempt for religion, ridiculing do-gooders; they preach from Dr. Spock’s bible claiming he demands beatings! [He does! She checks in charity book shop copy of 1950s editionINT.we have it filed] ‘Allah demands those for you too!’ Nan claims the moral high ground over the mockers all the time for us Muslims, but instant-backer-downers unite I say, as when challenged Nan tells me off: ‘Yer Pa’s always right, love, he’s always right, I know me onions!’ And I read the Bible to find us Catholics may agree, if sparing the rod spoils the ruddy child to us, does it? Any offence required? I complain to God in my prayers. ‘I behave well without thrashings,’ I whisper to Him, knowing He must know that perfectly well, if He knows his onions! Pa rules the roost, shoots me down, if a cockerel with a comb can be a gunner? Every time I flap my wings to raise the concept of justice in the air, flighty-me halted, sqwarker’s-down! Then he consoles me: ‘There are no flies on you, Sammie, pet, eh?…Life is not fair, Sammie, it’s not fair for anyone, so why should it be fair for you? Huh?’ Cured, not like ham cured to gammon, but as a curing of my heart otherwise if I want JUSTICE! Allah loves me in my mind shows me I am not wrong to hope otherwise!INT.aged 7 soon.

It is ruled I may join Catholic Brownies officially, uniform allowed only from 7th birthday, but three Catholic Godparents prove de rigueur for privileges, so I must never be a Sixer is ruled; Sixers carry flags in Catholic Church processions. Hmm, teeny bit like Hitler with the Jews, promotions barred? I am very upset hereafter about the Holocaust, hence a lifelong supporter of Jews as well as the poor Palestinians they displace in a ‘new’ Israeli democracy?INT.And I do think democracy is overrated and sex too but I only change my mind on ONE!’ ‘Democracy?’ queries Victor sticking his ring quickly back in his pocket, we joke, as I clarify ‘Seems to mean a group of people all vote to lie, or cheat, or murder, even force the aged to suicide to save NHS bills…anything goes!’ So Victor knows me, I add ‘Prefers God, meself do, One God for all of whatever hue, righteousness, hoi, hoi, hoi, get my drift, flotsam are the drift-wooders! No lies on me, it should be said, fly-soup’s my onion-home!’

‘Me too! I am your trail-end homer-zo-na, we’ll be there in the end,’ Victor Faulkner confirms, GOD BLESS ‘IM! ‘MY ANGEL HE IS,’ he confirms.

All my future SAS training takes place in the Brownie ‘paramilitary’ organization, I laugh, where I learn all my best tricks to keep my role as commando 001 de facto after the rinky-dinky Russian job: semaphore, Morse code, flags and flagpoles, knots… not double-knots ‘so I will not hurt my prisoners when I tie them up’ I add at my first interview, my favourite knot being ‘the round turn with two half hitches’ but ‘the reef’ most useful when tying up prisoners! ‘Well, I’m not going to shoot them, am I? As I am a human,’ I say, ‘and SO ARE YOU! Remember that when you ask people to shoot people! Read yer Geneva Convention! Oh yeah!’ I am used to swearing oaths of duty to serve God, Queen and country without remorse, a tricky one for my conscience as I am a paradox, a religious [re: Angst about your ‘dox!FILE’ MI6] Bolshevik, wacky Nan leaving Russia as a refugee so she could live, we decide we will play them at their own game, at least I do! BUT GOD FIRST AND FOREMOST IN MY OATHS DELIVERY, ELFISH-STYLE! As an elf, I am proud to wear my blue elf badge on my Brownie uniform. Our elf dance around the toadstool requires we sing to each other, I suppose, ‘We’re fairy elves, we’re fairy elves, we think of others not ourselves.’ Brain-washing? Certainly may be argued by Guardian readers as excellent for army twits to learn to follow stupid orders and die in action like trash-can people lacking…rhymes with steeple-jacking, but I learn excellent housewifely skills, a relief as I like to know how to do things! Pa trains me with his codas, special force strength mine forever, by thrashing me with gale force 11 if I tell on me sister and worse, hurricane force 12, phenomenally, if I don’t tell on me sister, all squared to him in one breathe! I have to honour my parents, God provides, like fruit to sustain me. But that’s why I commando Comanche style, hey? They bad’uns too! DS:For liquorice laces? ‘NO. FOR BEATINGS! THRASHINGS! SMILES NONE EVER!’ PS Phenomenal, chose to check up spelling, ok? BAD ENGLISH BY CHOICEST CHOOSER! ME-ELF! OK?INT.confirm: Yes she can read it and understand it, we test her! MI6

CODES We discuss the case now I have copped it at the police station, surviving, Heaven helps me! ‘Ops-erator insecure, that’s MOI!’ I answer thus to David’s first question, where he says ‘Do you mind calling me David so I know you know you like me, how did it go?’ The next question from Col. Stirling throws me into a messy mind. ‘Are you a cat-burglar? The court want to know, ops-erator 001 hey, zinger?’

A gallant show-stealer if he likes me, whoa, let’s see then! A gambol in the cornfields of my memory as stealing my medical record shows me to be caught out by police as the ‘cat-burglar’ I gather, Oh-O, I usually boast in my head about my exciting adventure that went well according to my thoughts of the time and the police let me go eventually and they never see my medical record as Nana tells me the secret we must hide, I have too many injuries for anyone to see it. How to explain in court and be of good caste? I explain.

‘No need for training, I expect I’ll be exempt? No dunce is me. Small d. If you like cats I’m a dead’un! Cat rates of burglary will fall in the area where I live, bet Merseyside is the lowest. Trendy too, me. If I had the money. If you think T-shirt and short shorts are good enough. ‘WE WEAR SHORT SHORTS…’ I sing the song to match, see? OK? Pa says okey-dokey but that’s too blokey for moi. Sincere I am too, but the bad grammar was to accord with the style of the commoner there, Benedictus Minnionus MinusPaulus, but he’ll be my friend soon I PROMISE HIM, if he is the class act a BENEDICTUS SHOULD PREFER TO PLAYING THE NATIVE BRIT. Scotch eggies if you’re a Lincoln Scot. You frightened yet? Yeti, Yeti. Gobi, Gobi, shall we hunt Yeti?’

‘No, when I said he’s a Yeti, he’s REAL, pet, OK? Shall I trumpet you? REAL ALISON REAL! REAL! REAL! YETI IS REAL!’ Col. Stirling looks silly never so I smile, grateful he bothers with this Dunce. BIG D.

‘Keep your ‘air on!’

Better show meself like Nan, humble in distress. Romer-over in the clover, eh? ‘Er, I do NOT want to prostitute myself, only ORDERS from MOI!’

‘…Who’d want a prozza? When they could have a snatch001 bandit of the riverside fiesta fiasco, we’ll sack you later when we need SEX SEX SEX then?ok?’

‘I’m a little more mature than you, Sir, do not jest as my family are warrior caste, WARRIORS, SIR! GET IT? SNAFFLE OFF YOUR MORTAL COIL TONIGHT IF YOU ARE A RAPER, OK? [U mean rapist? ‘YUP! RAPERS! YUK!’I want to say Allah won’t let me have sex] This man knows it is a Muslim snag ‘e-charmer here where I sit opposite his Goodnight-side-by-sea-‘er-kelp codes machine [DS asks ‘Is it Paul you see with you,DECODE PLEASE? U i c? Side-on u-i-c, suicide.INT.in court, together? ‘The keycode, I say to them, ‘er, her-me only in-court, kelp is seaweed with an a is me ‘e gives me d for dunce if I lose without ‘we’ with Paul, but kelp is at night as the k matches the knight and ‘elp is what I delivers ‘elp me Allah! Are you Valhallas? I am. I choose to be ALONE IN COURT, phew HE MUSTN’T TELL ME WHAT TO SAY’] who says ‘Well, energy is you, isn’t it, Missy? Electric eel? Not a monkfish he’ll say that again, I’ve seen his papers. Treat him like SHIT BABY! SOUNDS OK? Keeping up with the JONESES is his weakness, NARK ‘IM ON IT!’

‘Oo, I hate the syndrome in others too! Sure thing, trigger-happy I will be in the courtroom, trigger-flamin’ happy me! Good, we’re there. Ad idem, do you mind Latin? I’m a bit of a voracious reader and my appetite is insatiable, that’s my future, not prozzas, so KICK ME OUT NOW IF YER BE WANTING A PROZZA, OK? I NOT TAIPEI BAY, that’s where my Nan learned her trade, she wants to up-caste us, like worm-castes we are, we used to rule Russia, bit of a secret service quandary to enlist the Tsar’s line, eh? AHOY THERE, HEAR MY WORDS SAINTDOM IS MY AIM FOR ME IN RUSSIA SO DO NOT THINK I AM A TRAITOR TO MY LINE! I AM NOUS, don’t worry, as my best hero is RICHARD LE COEUR DE LION, Rex, of course, now you know me, Sir, so no hero-worship issues will arise, thankfully you will find that a relief as hand-jobbos are all a child is allowed to do for real I suppose and I am bored by that, it is hopelessly nasty to do I am sure, but never did it yet! ASK COCK! JUST JOKING! Change his name to Coke when he likes himself enough to be human. That should help him, I think, as what he did was awful.’

‘He’s already told us you gave…?’ AAH! He told them I did something naughty, cheek! I cry for ages over telling, as I did not want to do what he wants! But he may lie [INT.FILE ‘Lies, no! He doesn’t tell is wrong, he does!’ DS: ‘BRAVEST LITTLE GIRL, ISN’T SHE?’ TO STIRLING FANS, SAID IN COURT NEXT MONDAY BY HEROIC DAVE STIRLING] He does not think this is wrong, he says there is no harm to any child by this and he is a medic is right, so I say cheerfully here with DS, after blowing my nose-job done and dusted, ‘Scheissley! Hang ‘im then, ligger! I don’t do that myself, sorry!’

‘Well, YOU ARE COY!’

‘OH! YOU CAUGHT ME OUT! I’d a’bitten him dry, I’m sure if he made me do that isn’t wrong, but I can’t say that as that would hurt him! I had to shut him up or stay there forever waiting to go, hey?’ I write later. ‘Blimey! I’m stitched up now! Milk maid waiting, PHEW! No cans here of tears of sympathy, is there?’ I say next, ‘Now I am compromised so get your hair back on. He was cleaner than a whistle else I’d have puked but I was bored with the silly man, BORED! Will he be sacked? OH NO! I’m in a trap. If you hurt me I’ll tell the Russians when I am BIG! So there! I AM SURPRISED HE TOLD YOU! Tell him I prefer TOBLERONE! He’s a BAD MAN TO TELL IF HE MADE ME THE ONE IN CHARGE! Little bad mouse ain’t me, it’s him! Well, that’s sorted. We’re all on the level, shucks he is crass, did you torture him to confess? Oh, he boasts…I am RUINED! I know the answer, we’ll see if Victor his nephew marries me, he asked me so he’s the test on whether it ruins me, OK?’ [VICTOR IS UNDER THE TABLE TODAY IN MI5.2018 reading this]

‘One last thing, keep your gob shut, you dirty little girl.’ [DS: I want to laugh as I say this but I dare not, as we need the truth out of her. Don’t add this comment unless they ask in Committee in the House of Lords or something, why I said such a thing!]

Benedict intervenes. ‘Courtroom drama first, eh, Sammie, I say is it Alison or Cock the name I want as the culprit, are you Alison? I ask her and she says ‘NO, SAMMIE!’ So I thought she was the cook-in-charge, can’t change your plea now, can you?’

‘Cor blimit, you are the limit. I SAID IT FIRST I AM NOT THE CULPRIT, SILLY LIGGER! SHUT IT! Bendix mint chocolate you are NOT AN AFTER EIGHT FOR ME EVER SO THERE! HE CAN REST HIS HEAD ON MY PILLOW THE OLD ONE.’

‘Thank you, where is your old pillow?’

‘In my bed! Silly mam has no money then? But I ain’t a hippie for nothing when I grow older as I’ll be a bloshevik to Russia will I not, sir? A bloshier bloshevik never will you find I assure you I sniff out evil everywhere but I hate it always wins, you know that I know so you’ll do, ok?’

‘Done deal. I know evil too, it’s nasty it defeats us, eh? In. Write in where she says sniff out evil first. In! Good girl, off you do. Go! Go! Go! Motto for you baby, fir trees is you, code!’

‘You mean I ugly?’

‘NO! YOU ARE PRETTIER THAN ME!’

‘Caught me again. Worm. Me out in the garden now as a worm caster.’

‘Off you go then, Missy. That’s your name, Missy our name for your name, OK.’

‘LOVES HER ALREADY. YES, I DO! BLIMEY! JAM TODAY!’

‘Glad you told on Mickey. He’ll be sacked later on.’

‘O me miserum! How awful for Flossie, he will have to grow up! As I offer reprieve, ok? He washed. It’s ok. He’s randier than most, see? Ok then, sorted. Bye for now. Tell him not to hate me though else I’ll sack him from the army private rank!’

INT.SAMM: The cat burglary? You want to know why? Yes, but I’m busy, keep it brief? She tells us:

Stay-at-home Ma left baby me out in the pram [namely perambulator if you know posher version, I tell INT.] in the sun to get sunstroke and die, I wonder how she finds it so therapeutic to be truthful about her crime? She had to call the doctor to whom she complains that her baby cries so much: she LIES LIES LIES that baby is the SINNER! Hence, I am glad MY medical record is STOLEN BY ME! It was even worth stuffing all the bits in my mouth and swallowing hard when the police came, so nowt of her LIES could ever be retrieved! Nana explains Pa’s reason, ‘the rat catcher is after me’ he tells men where he works. ‘ER, to save her from harm,’ corrects Nana.

Well, Pa dropped me through the high surgery window exactly as we rehearse earlier that day, but, laugh, I plop straight down into the loo at torpedo speed, splash-landing in the pan! Wet to my waist, ashamed that the police accuse FALSELY, OH YES INDEEDY FALSELY, that I wet myself and, as I am not speaking words from my mouth, I am unable to say ‘I DO NOT. NEVER!’

I know the constabulary now indeedy! The very name sums ‘em up, they con, stab you early, I was aged 3 to police but this story is told often by a boy in my care home saying I am aged 2 on this adventure according to his real father [ICC quote below]. Poor unwanted object I am, psychoanalyst Melanie KleinINT.[‘Clever or what? Our Willy’ll never learn his pointer-point eh?DS’] I’ll read her when I am older but I ain’t got no object was said in court and I ‘sad little minx then, a hard lifeahead, no objects there?’ the judge asks, answering himself ‘NO WILD HESSE-IAN REJECT!’

The reject is a bad boy his claimant-hand Ian Hessian-carpet says here, I must hide my origin of object-freedom, like ruthfree or ruthless? As I AM NOT BAD! ‘I speaketh now My Lordship and I know I am NOT called Ian! Nor am I Hessian carpet or any other old bag’s property…?’ The word Hessian makes me wince, evermore said! We steal the first five years in all, by the end of the botch-up! The first five years go AWOLLING AWAY! I write now to INT.Good aren’t I? And I lose my case in court for victory safe assured for my family! Sacrifice is lonely indeed! [2007 Your father could tell them the truth Hunny then you are free of wet-yourself torture by Willy gang, eh? When they rape you. Makes this old policeman cry in rage for your nublets self so I apologize for them all today, Bob, Bob’s your uncle in the army Bob! Sackett to you only, madam missy! I cry all day that Philip Hammond MP Bloody Hell raped you and now everyone that knew the truth you best woman in the world rapes you too in court, as they not good!]

No details in the paper anyway so Ma is ok, hey?

Method secret, aha. I’ll call Pa ‘Tony’ as we’re on bizniz! Tony and I walk to the surgery in Thingwall hand-in-hand in the dark night sky period of 24-hour day. Dangerous clowner me then tooINT. Like now? No! Good name for a clown fish, Meno! ME? NO! TRUE FOR ME! Never guilty, sharp though, oh yes! Netmo is Me-Nan, Russian way! [Her joke is from JFK’s ORIGINAL words to her! ‘She too fast-thinking to get stuck up a gumtree!’ says JFK who has said his original Nemo theory, ‘CONSPIRACY THEORIES? GOOD FOR NOBODY BUT CLOWN-FISH CALLED NEMO! NEVER IS IT TO ME IF I SAY SO? Missy Romanova or are you a Romany to you? Good traveller I hear, Mars Bars are you sooner not later eh? Poor little thingum!’Aged 4, we note JFK’s OWN WORDS! Later, aged 9 I add a clue Ruskies silent t means mañana, that’s never to swordfish, I Me-no now always as I not Nan. [DS:No mamanana you, clowner then? Eaten are you?] JFK rooting for my friend, he says. Whoo! Me!] It was a woolly night, where you wear woollies. Not a welly night, OK? I was woken up and taken out of bed. We are hiding to avoid police cars, but one policeman opens his eyes from sleep and asks Pa why he understands English and Tony confabulates! What excitement! Pride and fall separated again! I had hoped to land on the lavatory seat, shut at the recce, drip, drip, dripples! I drip my way over to the secretarial bay down the corridor, checking the waiting room, to where the records hang in racks on the wall. I find mine expertly, unable to reach the light switch even with the chair, once I recall where Tony told me he would position it. Fire Away! It is HUGE, I struggle to move it…! BLIP! It falls to the floor! Hell’s teeth wot a whopper! Oh me ha-ha, laughter, canned please!