Midlife Moon: From Darkness to Bright Light

By Sameer Zahr

Burdened with an ugly divorce and midlife crisis, Freddie escaped to find his happiness outside his inner self and got caught with unexpected consequences that led him to live in the dark. He had a mistress that caused him many headaches that pushed him into legal pursuits. He went on a soul-searching journey seeking help from his only best friend, Barry, and other spiritual groups. Then he met Anne, a young women who coached him on the right path with her advice as a psychoanalyst. He eventually fell in love with her and ended up establishing an organization based on moral values and guidance to young women. The new relationship and his inner guidance turned Freddie into an enlightened man living in the light.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 24, 2019
• ISBN: 9781796035834

Sameer Zahr

Sameer Zahr is the imaginative mind behind the captivating novel "Midlife Moon: From Darkness to Bright Light." With a lifelong interest in writing, Sameer has penned ten novels, all of which are available on Amazon, weaving tales that carry poignant messages of love and transformation for humanity. A seasoned international businessman, Sameer embraced his passion for storytelling after retiring, bringing a wealth of worldly experiences to his literary endeavors. Each of his ten books reflects Sameer's commitment to infusing his narratives with humanitarian and spiritual themes, offering readers stories that uplift and inspire

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Prologue

Freddie thought he was having a good time romantically with his girlfriend, Jane, when suddenly she asked him to marry her. He balked and sat up asking, What? Marry you? Since when have you had this thought?

I thought you loved me and wanted to marry me, Jane said.

Are you out of your mind? There’s no marriage here, and I’m not even divorced for Pete’s sake. Forget about it! Freddie said angrily.

Then I’m wasting my time with you. There are hundreds of men out there dying to be with me.

Good! Then go find them. I’m done here. Good luck.

Freddie got up, put on his clothes, and ran out slamming the door behind him. He went straight to the bar and started drinking. He continued until late at night. Then he wobbled his way over to his friend’s apartment, which was near the bar. He knocked loudly on the door, and Barry was awakened. It was 2:00 a.m. on a cold Saturday morning in New York City. Barry put his robe on and rushed to find out who was there at such an odd hour. He looked through the peephole and saw the troubled face of his friend, Freddie. He quickly opened the door and had to hold Freddie to keep him from falling onto the floor. Freddie was evidently wasted drunk. Barry helped him to sit on the sofa, and neither one said a word.

Freddie looked at Barry with his bleary and watery red eyes and stuttered a few words that were not easy to understand. He continued to mutter and blabber, repeating himself with wide sweeping gestures of his hands and arms while leaning forward to get Barry’s attention.

Barry interrupted him and said, Sit back, Freddie, and let me make you some coffee now.

Okay B–Barry … thanks!

Four minutes later, Barry came back with the coffee and found Freddie asleep on the sofa, snoring loudly. He decided not to wake him up. He took off his friend’s coat, jacket, and shoes, loosened his necktie, and stretched him on the sofa. Barry put a pillow under his head and covered him with a thick blanket to keep him warm. Barry went back to sleep in his bedroom and wondered about his close friend, Freddie. His life had recently gone upside down since he decided to leave his wife, Mattie, and their two lovely boys. This was not the first time Freddie had sought shelter in Barry’s place, drunk and confused.

Barry got up at 7:00 a.m., though it was not a working day. He remembered that Freddie was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. He checked on him, and saw he was still asleep on his back, snoring with his jaws open to help him breathe. Barry went to the kitchen, made a fresh pot of coffee, and toasted two slices of bread to serve with butter and jam. As soon as he walked out of the kitchen, Freddie turned and slowly opened his eyes. He looked at Barry and saw him carrying a tray in his hands. He smiled and said, Oh, coffee, and toast. What service!

Okay, you troublemaker, sit up and enjoy this last service from me.

I love visiting with you. You … you spoil me! Freddie said.

Don’t get used to it. You have to grow up and get your act together.

Freddie grunted and shoved a piece of toast into his mouth.

To what do I owe this pleasure? Barry asked while watching him devour the toast and sipping big gulps of coffee. A minute later Freddie sat straight and asked if Barry had any pills to ease his hangover headache.

At your service, my lord! Now tell me what happened.

Well, I—I had a fight, Freddie said and went silent.

With whom? Your wife, Mattie, or your new flame, Jane?

Yup … that one.

Why?

The usual. She—she wants more money, and marriage.

And? Barry asked.

"What and? I’m not marrying her, he said. Freddie played with the ring on his finger. I’m not divorced yet."

Barry snorted. Please, you haven’t been with Mattie for almost a year. It’s over. Move on.

Doesn’t matter. I’m tired of Jane.

Then dump her.

Freddie shook his head and descended into brooding.

Freddie? Barry said.

"I don’t know. I’m forty-three. I haven’t been alone for a long time, and before I forget, I also had an interesting dream last night. I was lying down on my back in a vast grass field, looking up quietly at the stars and the midnight sky. A full moon suddenly appeared. It was yellowish in color and big—I mean big.

Wow! Barry said facetiously. He added, Please continue. I love dreams!

I kept focusing on it, and it frustrated me. I got upset and mad when the clouds covered its face. I waited for a while, and then the clouds moved away, and that cheered me up tremendously.

That’s better, Barry interrupted.

Let me finish. Then again I saw the moon shine brightly on my face and I saw myself smiling and happy for a couple of minutes. Then the moon’s face was covered with clouds again. That made me upset. These shifts from dark to bright kept repeating themselves for several minutes, and along with it, I shifted from feelings of sadness to feelings of joy. Suddenly I woke up! Hum. Hmm-mm, what do you make of it, Barry?

I can’t tell exactly. It could be a confirmation that you’re going through a midlife crisis. What you described were signs of instability in your life. They reflect on what you’re going through nowadays. Am I not right? he said facetiously.

You know, I don’t think you and I should talk like this anymore.

"Why is that?’

You’re no help to me right now! You always try to put me down.

I’m your best friend, and I’m trying to wake you up, Barry said.

How? By telling me I’m going through a midlife crisis and I’m unstable?

What else do you want me to say? That’s what’s going on in your life today, Barry repeated with an agitated voice.

You could at least be mindful and not hurt my feelings. I’m dumping Jane and divorcing Mattie, and I will live all by myself. Happy now?

Come on, Freddie. Don’t be such a child. What are friends for, huh?

To be loving and kind!

Okay. I promise I will. Come here and give me a hug!

Chapter 1

Good Buddies, but Different

Freddie Rodman and Barry Green were college buddies. They had both graduated with MBA degrees from Columbia University in New York. Barry later worked as a stockbroker on Wall Street and recently had been promoted to an investment director position. Freddie had continued to run the real estate business his father had started and left to him upon his death. He succeeded in making it grow into a small empire. He owned various apartment and commercial buildings in New York and in a few other cities around the country. He ran his operations from an office in Manhattan and had a good-sized staff to help him manage the business.

Freddie and Barry had been best friends for more than twenty years. They had hung out with other boys and girls in college, and they’d had a lot of fun. Freddie was very popular among women because of his good looks and sense of humor. He was six foot one and had auburn hair, wide shoulders, and an athletic, slim body. His masculine face, with his beautiful, greenish eyes, sharp nose, and full lips, made it easy for him to attract many beautiful girls.

Barry, on the other hand, was not as tall—about five foot ten—and slightly overweight, but otherwise he was good looking with blue eyes, blondish hair, a sharp nose, and thin lips. One girl in college told him once, You’re so cute.

He had jumped and said, Yeah, children are cute!

But you’re like a child—cuddly and huggable, the girl had said.

Okay, Mommy, what are you going to feed me tonight?

The girl had responded by jumping on him and putting her legs around his waist, saying, This is what I’m going feed you. You like it now? Other girls liked him too. He always cracked jokes and made them laugh.

Freddie came from a more privileged background, and his father had allowed him to expand their real estate business before he passed away. But Barry had had no such help. He had adapted to Wall Street’s stressful conditions and high standards all on his own.

Both men got married at around the same time. They were twenty-eight years old, and they married women they had met at the university. Barry got divorced three years ago, and he did not have children. His separation had been amicable and mutual. He’d been living alone ever since then, except for occasional short relationships, and he was cool with his life. Freddie was not happily married; he had left his wife seven months ago. With two teenage boys, his guilt increased regularly over leaving the children behind.

Freddie had started a new relationship with Jane Neiman, and it was not based on love. He was attracted to her passionate and seductive appeal. She was of average height but blessed with a shapely, sexy body. She had brown eyes and brown hair crowning her white face, and a delicate nose over her luscious lips. Freddie told her once before a weekend, I can’t swing by this weekend.

Why not? Jane had replied. I thought we were going to the opera.

I’ve got to spend some time with the kids.

Jane’s face had twisted into a frown. Christ, Freddie. Just tell what’s her name you’ll swap days or something. I’m sure she’ll cover.

Mattie, Freddie said, emphasizing his wife’s name, has already done that three times in the last two months because of you. This is not good! You are distancing me further from my kids

So?

So? It’s like they’re growing up without me.

Jane had waved her hand dismissively. Don’t be so dramatic. They’ll be fine. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Freddie’s chest. She nuzzled his neck and placed soft kisses behind his ear. It’s me you should be worried about.

Mattie, his wife, on the other hand, was a good woman and a good mother. She was a beautiful, educated, and polite woman. She was five foot eight and carried herself well despite a few extra pounds added after her two pregnancies. Her piercing blue eyes and striking nose helped define her strong character. She loved Freddie and had been heartbroken when she found out he was sleeping around. A short while later Mattie had said, I want a divorce!

Can you not rush with your decision now? I said I’m sorry.

That’s not good enough. I can’t wipe out the vision of you with another woman in my head. Go and live with her!

Come on. I don’t love her. I love you!

Go tell that to your mother, not me. I have lost my trust, and I want out.

Can we at least take a break and think about it for a while?

Not while you live here. Go and find a place that suits you. You’re allowed to see the kids every other weekend, and I want to consult with my lawyers.

Mattie, the lawyers will definitely push you toward a divorce. That’s their business. Let’s cool it for a while!

No. Please pack your bags and leave. Now!

Desolate, Freddie had obeyed. The separation lingered on with no good outcome, and that prompted the divorce action on her part. It was an ugly process and was far from being settled. The lawyers on both sides were still fighting it out, and that was very stressful for Freddie.

Freddie had discussed his divorce with Barry on various occasions. They had tried to figure out how to simplify the complications, but in the end, the lawyers ruled. As expected, Mattie’s lawyers wanted 50 percent of the net assets that Freddie had after the marriage. That was in accordance with New York state law. Freddie’s lawyers were holding back at 25 percent, including the high value of the family house in Westchester County.

Freddie had rented a suite at a hotel in Midtown Manhattan on a monthly basis hoping it would be a temporary stay. He had other properties he could use, but he wanted the service that the hotel provided. Some nights he stayed with Jane, if they hadn’t had a fight, which were frequent. He foolishly followed his heart’s desire for passion, and Jane gave him what he wanted, provided he took good care of her with a hefty sum of cash every month.

*     *     *

Slowly thereafter, Freddie started drinking heavily and more frequently. He just wanted to escape from his responsibility. He was living in denial. His ego wouldn’t allow him to reconcile with his wife, and Jane took advantage of his weakness in bed. She did her best to benefit materially.

So when Freddie came to Barry’s place drunk that night, Barry fully understood that his friend was seeking help. He wanted to tell Freddie to see a psychiatrist the next morning, but he chickened out. Instead, Barry asked him, So what do you think you should do now?

I have to end my relationship with Jane and live alone for a while. I need to find out what I really want from my life. I’ll try to establish direct communication with Mattie and ask if I can see the children more often.

Now you’re talking, Barry said. That’s a positive attitude. Do it, and don’t hesitate. You need to get out of the misery you’ve put yourself into. Breaking up with Jane should be easy because she can’t sue you for alimony, as you did not live together.

I hear you, Barry. I’ll do it.

Then when you’re done with Jane, you can focus on the chance to get back with Mattie. It’s not going to be easy.

She can be reasonable, though she’s a stubborn woman. I apologized to her, but to no avail. I’ll tell her I broke up with Jane. Maybe that will soften her a bit.

Freddie, you need to be persuasive with Mattie. Don’t give up too quickly. I know how you feel, and I know the price you have to pay to be rejected like that, but you can’t force her to change her mind unless you fight hard and insist and beg her to take you back.

I’ll do my best, Barry. And listen, thank you for sheltering me last night. You are truly my best friend, and I’ll keep you posted on what develops.

*     *     *

Freddie went to his hotel. He showered and changed his clothes. He called Jane and told her they needed to talk and that he was coming over to see her.

Jane was nervous and thought it had to do with the argument they had had the night before. She smiled and was still wearing her sexy lingerie when he walked in, but that did not weaken Freddie’s resolve.

He sat down at a chair distant from where she was sitting and said, Jane, I came here to tell you that I—I can’t see you anymore.

Jane was silent for a minute. She tried to look sexier by opening her legs, and with her fake smile she asked him to sit close to her. Freddie sensed her manipulative plan and remained seated in his chair. He said, I’m serious, Jane. This is not a joke.

Then she wiped the smile off her face, crossed her exposed legs, and simply asked, Why?

It has nothing to do with you. You are a good woman, and I am sorry if I vented some of my frustrations on you. I have a lot of issues to sort out, and I need to do it alone, on my own.

So you want to break up with me? Jane asked.

"Yes, I do! I want a break from anyone or anything that might derail me from my desired focus on myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know me, and I continue to dwell on my past. It’s killing me. I have to do a lot of soul searching. Please understand!"

Uh, you don’t think I can help you?

No, I don’t think anyone can help me, even a psychologist. I have to figure out how I can help myself on my own.

So what do you plan to do now?

Other than being alone, I don’t have any specific plans. I need to think hard and thoroughly.

Well! There’s nothing I can do then? Are you going to give me the same monthly allowance so I can continue living comfortably?

I have given you a lot already. Why do you need more?

You broke my heart, and suddenly you want to disappear! How am I going to keep the standard of living you spoiled me with? Did you think you could just turn your back and walk away so easily? Jane said sarcastically.

I’m sorry it’s not working well between us. It’s best we part as friends. We argue and fight a lot. It’s not healthy for either one of us.

Okay, fine. If you want to leave me, go ahead! But bear in mind you owe me, and I expect you to honor your end of the deal.

What deal?

I waited for you to get divorced and marry me. Wasn’t that what we discussed, and what I wanted?

"Yeah! That’s what you wanted. I never promised you anything."

Okay, you can go now! But I expect you to give me a hefty monthly check as you have been doing. It is my right, at least for the next three years. No one else will take care of me the way you did, and I’ll fight for my rights.

Don’t count on anything. Goodbye! Freddie said as he stood up and walked away.

*     *     *

Freddie felt relieved and not afraid of her threats. He felt as if a big block of cement had been lifted off his back. He went to the hotel to rest for a short while.

An hour later, he called his wife. Hi, Mattie. Can we talk?

Talk about what?

About us having a civil relationship. I don’t want to discuss the legal case. For the sake of our long years together, I would like to tell you what’s happening in my life. Perhaps we can reconcile our differences and, um … start communicating again.

Mattie went silent for a few seconds then said, What? You now regret the damage you caused, and all of a sudden you want to fix it?

Yes.

Uh huh! Sorry, sir. The jar is broken and shattered to pieces, and it cannot be fixed!

Would you think about it, at least for the boys’ sake? Freddie begged.

Forget about it. I’ve already moved on in my life. Go find out who you are and what you want from your life, and good luck! Mattie said and angrily hung up the phone.

The conversation had been short, and Freddie was devastated by her bitter attitude and lack of willingness to forgive him. Maybe she’s met someone else, he thought. He didn’t want to bother Barry again. Good old Barry, his shadow and his only shoulder to cry on. Freddie had had quite an eventful morning, and he decided to take a long walk in Central Park and mull over the turmoil in his life.

*     *     *

It was a beautiful day, and the park was buzzing with people walking, jogging, and lying on the grassy meadow. He walked on until he reached the back of the Metropolitan Museum of Art thirty minutes later. He sat on a bench and wished he had a notebook so he could write down his fresh thoughts. Instead, he took out his smartphone and started typing in his Notes application.

I am forty-three years old and alone, estranged from my family. After fifteen years of a decent married life and two children, I have no one to hug now. I allowed my illusion of a passionate relationship to convince myself that I deserved someone better than my wife. I was blinded by my thoughts that passion would be the answer to my incomplete satisfaction at home. I was wrong. My initial expectation that my relationship with Jane would do the job was false and totally unfounded. It turned out to be proof of my total ignorance about what true love is all about.

I am not a happy person now. In fact, I feel miserable. I built a decent business and lived comfortably and provided more than what my family needed. Success did not make me really satisfied. On the contrary, it boosted my ego and developed within me an egoistic feeling that I was invincible.

I see the anger of my children every time I see them, and that reignites the guilt feelings within me. Brian is thirteen, and Mark is eleven. And I am not there when they need me the most at such tender ages.

The current circumstances are terrible. I escape and hide behind my excessive drinking during my free weekends. I am losing my friends one after the other. I have only my loyal buddy, Barry. My extended family does not care about what is going on in my life either. I tried a few sessions with a psychotherapist, but that did not help. I am now at a loss for what I should do to bring back some joy into my life. I feel empty inside. I’ve become a body without a soul. I am suffering from despair, and I’m trying my best not to make stupid decisions.

Apart from my nonexistent social life, I am not as focused at work as I used to be. I seem to delegate too much authority to my two managers, who occasionally make bad decisions. My previous excitement over hard work and success has slowly disappeared, and I haven’t cared. My father passed away a few years ago, and my mother