Unsettled

By Elvera LM Dacey

T his novel delves not only into the private life of the main character, but into his confused mind as he seeks to understand this thing called living. Will he succeed? Will he find answers? As he seeks answers, he discovers that his family and friends are also seeking, to which he has no response. This author believes people are decent/loving/caring and are looking to understand this thing we call living. Answers that do not come easily in one’s life time while others seem to appear to succeed.

Join me by reading the story of Carter Shelton and I hope you will not only enjoy this story but perhaps it will give you much food for thought.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jan 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982218461

Elvera LM Dacey

Mrs. Dacey retired at the age of 73 after working forty years in the field of nursing. Three years before her retirement, she took a creative writing course, and praise from her teacher proved that writing could be her future. In actuality, writing filled her senior years and has remained her primary interest ever since. She has written many novels: all romance, fictional, centered on love, including the difficulties that one faces living in this world and attempting to overcome obstacles. She writes not of her experiences but enjoys creating fictional characters/places and to offer non fictional thoughts that might give the reader food for thought. Her only credentials are having known love and having given much thought to what we call living.

Book preview

Copyright © 2019 Elvera LM Dacey.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-1847-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-1846-1 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 01/26/2019

CONTENTS

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Last Chapter

I dedicate this book to my strongest supporters

my loving friends

Jo and Sharon

CHAPTER 1

C arter spends most of the day doing much of nothing. His mind is preoccupied with thoughts of his coming fortieth birthday. He is dreading the thought of a party. How could he tell his family that he did not want a party? He knows how much work and enthusiasm they always put into family parties, but this year he has no desire to celebrate. What is there to celebrate? His personal life is a disaster. Two failed marriages and he is about to end his affair with Ellen, who is away on business and not due back until Saturday. Knowing how his family plans he is sure she knows about the party. It most likely will be celebrated on Sunday which is the date of his birth. He refused to accept George’s offer to attend a business conference in Seattle. If he had accepted he would have been out of the state on his birthday. Why he backed out he is unable to justify.

The phone is ringing. He chooses not to answer. It is Ellen and she leaves a message. Her voice filled with enthusiasm telling him that she is eager to get home, admitting to having had a great time. Charlie Thompson had joined her there. They had gone out to dinner after the company meeting.

Ordinarily Carter would have been upset at the mere mention of Charles’s name. He and Ellen had been a twosome before they met. He found it difficult to be friendly with his girlfriend’s previous lover. Ellen is adamant she no longer has the same feelings for him and to put his concerns about Charles out of his mind.

Well, she is right Charles’s name caused no ruffles in his feathers at this time; neither did the sound of her voice fill him with thoughts of desire as it had in the past. It is over for him, it has been for some time. He is convinced that Ellen suspects something is wrong between them. There had not been an appropriate time with her business trip coming up out of the blue for them to talk it out.

What would he have said to her if they had the time? The sight of your beautiful naked body no longer fills me with desire. I can’t stand the way you dawdle around in the morning. What else? There is little else to say. She is close to perfect.

To be truthful he has no idea why he is feeling this way. Some might call it middle age crisis. He knows better. It is not a crisis it is an awakening and long overdue. How long can he go on making the same mistakes time after time and not face up to the why and how? And all the other questions one must answer to when faced with failure after failure. One thing is for sure he will not upset his family or Ellen. He will have to go on pretending that nothing is wrong until the excitement of his party fades away, and then he and Ellen could and should talk. He owes her that much.

Ellen arrives earlier than expected Saturday night. He is at home working on his latest novel. He writes mysteries and has had two best sellers and presently in the middle of what he hopes to be his third. She is looking radiant.

It is not long after she arrives that she decides that they have been apart much too long and seduction is on her agenda. He makes an attempt to bow out. Although the act came to a climax much too soon Ellen did not seem to notice. Luckily she was tired from the trip and sleep became his cohort. As she snuggles close to him he gently pushes her aside and returns to his writing noting that not too long ago he would have been ready for a repeat performance to which she would have easily complied. Her sexual appetite is as great as his. As for this night he is relieved to get back to work and does not give another thought to the sleeping beauty in his bed.

The party is a great success, his sister Barbara (Babs to him) called him that morning wishing him a happy birthday, asking him to be at Moms for one. She casually mentions that she expects that Mom probably baked him a cake. No mention of a party, but he knows better.

Everyone arrives fifteen minutes after him and Ellen, knowing that he would be prompt despite Ellen’s tendency to dawdle in the morning. Everyone includes: all of his family and several of his friends. After all turning forty is considered a turning point in a man’s life. Little did they know how much of a turning point he is feeling which he is sure has nothing to do with his age.

Introductions are needed; Ellen had not met many of his friends. They socialized in different circles if not for an accidental meeting they would never have met.

He was on his way to meet two clients for lunch one rainy afternoon. Ellen was also due to meet two of her managers for lunch at the same restaurant. As he and his associates were leaving the restaurant one of them recognized Ellen as an old friend and stopped to talk to her. Her luncheon engagement over she chose to walk out with her friend. It was raining quite heavily and cabs were scarce. It was soon noted that she and Carter were going in the same direction. So after an introduction it was suggested that they share a cab; where they made small talk. As the cabbie dropped him off Ellen handed him her business card suggesting that he might like to give her a call. He put the card in his pocket not giving it a thought until a couple of weeks later when he was expected to attend a social that required he bring a friend. He called Ellen who did not hesitate to accept. The night did not end. She invited him to her apartment then into her bed.

At breakfast the next morning speaking with sincerity she told him that he was the best of lovers and hoped he felt the same about her. He had never met someone so open. He had to admit her beauty captivated him. She had a body with little if any imperfections. Her sexual appetite was every bit as wanting as his. As if they never expected anything different they became a twosome. She eventually moved into his apartment keeping hers which she owned.

Ellen is the only daughter of Paul and Sheila Miller. The Millers are wealthy in what is called "Old Money" and knee deep into politics. He is Senator Paul Miller having held office over thirty years. For the last several campaigns he ran for office unchallenged. It was not part of their plan for Ellen to be an only child. They had hopes for at least four or more. Shelia suffered three miscarriages before carrying Ellen full term. Adoption was not a subject favored by either parent; therefore she remained their one and only heir.

Although equally loved by both parents, she nevertheless suffered from father never home complex. She also tends to see herself as a victim of the ills that come from being raised in a political family. Despite her wealth, ambition followed her throughout her life. In time she works her way up to the position of president in one of the largest makeup companies in the country and has never married. She did have a string of lovers many of whom Carter would never know about. She is truly without many faults and easy to love. She is now convinced that Carter will be the man she will marry and have children with.

Carter comes from a family of eight children, five sisters and two brothers. His Dad Frank Shelton is the manager of three warehouses for one of the country’s largest wholesale companies. His Mother Olivia returned to teaching after her last child went off to grammar school.

They live in the same house from the time of the birth of their first child to the present. Each child worked to contribute money toward their education. The family produced three nurses, two teachers, one lawyer and two accountants.

Carter is the middle son and the third youngest. He earned his degree in accounting then his CPA. He took to writing novels seven years ago; selling his first mystery approximately five years ago. All of his siblings settled close to home. Carter, however, had moved to the big city after the failure of his second marriage and remained there. It was only the last three years that Carter spent more time away from his family. Part of the reason is his meeting up with Ellen; otherwise his social life like his brothers and sisters were mostly centered on family and friends.

The next couple of weeks Carter occupies most of his free time writing his novel. Ellen suspects nothing, despite that what was normally part of their morning ritual

Of sex in the shower did not come about. He manages to get up and shower long before she wakes up.

On this particular morning he is pacing his time trying to prepare her for the breakup. Certain that she suspects, he is shocked to discover that she did not have a clue until he spoke of his need to go it alone. The shock she is experiencing shows on her face; her beautiful face.

Are you trying to tell me you no longer love me? He tries to explain, but his words sound empty; devoid of meaning.

I was expecting that we would marry and have a family. What has changed? He has no answer for her. Soon she is crying and eventually sobbing beyond her control.

Please don’t cry.

Why does it bother your conscious? Perhaps you are going to tell me you are sorry. He again tries to explain, but the words do not come out. He is tied up in knots and has been for many weeks centering all his attention on his novel to avoid the feeling of despair he is feeling. He walked over to the window and stood not saying a word as she made a feeble attempt to pack her things. All too soon she discovers enough anger in her to throw some of the jewelry he had given her at him. He did not move. When she finished cursing him, he then quietly suggests that she leave and return another day to pack her things at a time when he would not be there.

Ellen did not return for her things. He never heard from her again. Her parents made several attempts to contact him only to hear that he had left for parts unknown. His only message to his family is not to worry that he is fine. He promises that he would be in touch sometime in the near future. No explanation offered.

He completed his novel in record time and sent it off to his publishers knowing that the chances of it becoming a best seller are very good. He makes no effort to inform his publishers of his whereabouts. They are given only a PO BOX address to contact him if they need to. He is convinced that it would be the last novel he will ever write.

The week after his party Carter prepared Allen Alexander, his closest friend from his college days and his business partner, for his exit. The agreement is that he would remain in the business as a silent partner, suggesting that Allen invite Bruce who recently earned his CPA to join the organization. Although taken by surprise Allen senses that Carter is going through plenty of emotional junk as he phrased it. He is not without compassion or understanding except that this is his way of handling stress or unhappy news and is trying to make light of everything. This time he did not succeed. When Carter refuses to tell him where he is going Allen takes it to offence. The two best friends spend many days in the office preparing for his departure without saying a word.

Ever so long ago Carter bought a house in the mountains of Vermont with intentions of making it a retreat for him and his wife Grace, but the marriage failed. Most of his money was invested with the corporation which protected him from losing all his assets. Grace did manage to get their house and half of what was theirs without knowledge of the property in Vermont. This property consists of over seventy–five acres of land and what was referred to as a small country home is as big as any suburban home. He was out of his apartment into his new home within less than two weeks after Ellen’s exit and one week after he settled his business affairs with Allen.

He spends his first Saturday night in his new home viewing his land as far as his eyes could see from the windows in the living room. Silence is his companion until he decides to walk the grounds where the noise of the forest that surrounds his home seems to force its way in.

The move had been uneventful. There was no difficulty fitting the furniture that had graced his small apartment into such a spacious home and he is content to leave some of the rooms empty for the present.

On Sunday he set out to find a store to do his shopping ending up in the next town about forty miles from his home. There he stocks up on essentials. On his way back checks he out the country store about ten miles from his home. He is pleased to see they carry quite a variety; leaving him reassured that he could always count on them to meet some of his last minute needs if any arrive.

What is he is feeling now that he removed what he considered barriers to his happiness? Desolation. By the end of the second week he is in a deep depression. He has no desire to shave or bathe. He does manage to eat a breakfast most of the time, otherwise food offers him no desire. It does not take long for his clothes to show his loss of weight. The radio is his only contact with the outside to which he gives little attention. Soon he no longer chooses to turn it on. He is his own radio; his mind is full of words that come from thoughts that will not leave him. At first he gives much thought to his family realizing how much he misses them. As the days came along his thoughts turn to the past and soon memories start to envelope him.

He was a fairly happy child; unlike many youngsters he did not feel victimized by the fact that he was a middle child or that his Dad and Mom never seemed to have much time to give him individual attention. He loved his sisters and rarely fought with his brothers, Carl four years older and Brian just two years younger. Barbara (Babs) was the baby of the family. He had a special bond with her from childhood into adulthood. She was by far his favorite.

His siblings were all born two years apart. Catherine the oldest, then Diane, next Amy and along came Carl. He often heard how elated his parents were when Carl arrived. Following Carl was Elizabeth then Carter followed by Brian and Babs. It’s not that they were the prefect family it was just that their parents seem to command the best from them and they complied without difficulty.

As adults the family learned to comply with less than perfect. The only ones that married and stayed married to their first mates were Catherine, Diane, Amy and Elizabeth. Carter was sure he started the run of failed marriages. He was also the first to break one of his dad’s most important rules. I do not want to hear that you got any girl pregnant. If you do you will marry her and support your child. This he was told on his fifteenth birthday when his Dad caught him masturbating. At that time his Dad decided to tell him the facts of life, explaining the use of condoms. What he did not tell his dad was that on that day he watched his buddy Tommy and Maryann having sex behind the Oak tree in the back yard. Tommy brought her there to prove to him that Maryann was putting out. Tommy’s plan was to fix him up with Maryann so he too could enjoy sex with her. Tommy told him there was nothing as great as coming in a girl then in your hand. By the time his dad finished talking about unwanted pregnancies and venereal disease, he was sure he would never put his penis in any girl’s vagina until he married.

Carter finds himself smiling as these particular thoughts flow through his mind. No he never had sex with Maryann or any other girl he dated until his last year of high school when he fell seriously in love with Jacqueline. They did not mean it to happen. Precaution was the last thing on their minds as they kissed and embraced in his car in lover’s lane. They were both virgins. The shock of what they did that night did not scare them in anyway. The next couple of nights having discovered the joys of sex they wanted more. A little too late, Carter bought condoms of which he used three before Jacqueline told him that she missed her period. They graduated two weeks later and ran off to get married. When they returned they denied any suggestion that she might be pregnant. Jacqueline’s parents found it hard to forgive him for running off with their only daughter denying them that special wedding they dreamed about. Carter’s dad although convinced that she was pregnant accepts his son’s word as truth. Soon both families got together to plan a reception for the young couple.

Carter went to work full time in Tim’s garage where he had been working part time learning the mechanics of cars. Jacqueline worked for her mother who owned a small dress shop. Between the two of them they earned enough to rent a small apartment across town from their parents. Despite the good feelings that come from recalling the early days of his marriage, emotionally exhausted Carter falls asleep.

As if the story is determined to continue those early years sneak into his dream. He finds himself back in the little apartment that he and Jacqueline shared for the length of their marriage except that she is there with her present husband. Although the apartment looks the same Jacqueline is looking much older. She is crying. When she sees him she asks him to help find their baby. Has she forgotten what happened to the baby he asks? Her husband then asks him to leave pushing him out of the apartment. He woke up and for the first time cries for the little embryo that never made it to nine months.

Jacqueline had none of the early symptoms of pregnancy. She gained very little making it difficult for anyone to suspect that she might be pregnant. She tried to put most of her paycheck a side for the baby. It was however most difficult. He reassured her that their baby would never go without. He decided to work at the diner in town three weeks a night. That plan did not work. Jacqueline did not like being in the apartment alone at night. They rarely argued and liked being together.

Jacqueline was modest and rarely allowed him to see her naked. Their love making took place under the cover of bed sheets. One night Carter decided to end her modesty by choosing to romance his lovely bride into seduction. Once her desire was peaked he removed the covers and in their nakedness consummated the act of intercourse. It did not end at that. They made love two more times with each orgasm greater than the last. Exhausted, still naked, sleep took over.

It was nine in the morning when he woke up. It was Saturday, his weekend to work and he was late. He jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. He did not notice the blood on his legs until he proceeded to wash. He washed carefully unable to find a reason for the blood. As he turned off the shower and proceeded to dry himself he heard Jacqueline calling his name. At the sight of him she started to cry that she was bleeding profusely. The next twelve hours was like a dream, a nightmare. With towels between her legs he carried her to his car and went speeding off to the hospital. A cop pulled him over, seeing the problem escorted them the rest of the way.

The emergency room crew was at hand to take over the crisis. Carter could only remember bits and pieces of all that transpired. Once he told the staff she was pregnant they seem to be in complete control. It was hours before the Doctor came to speak to him. He approached him with the good news first. Jacqueline was out of surgery where a D&C had been performed and she was doing as well expected. She was very weak and would need to stay in the hospital for a couple of days at least. Her blood count was quite low despite two transfusions. The good news was that the bleeding has stopped, the potential being that she would not need another transfusion. Unfortunately she lost the baby and the other good news was that she could have babies in the future. He stressed that when she becomes pregnant again she should see a doctor as soon as she suspects; above all not to wait. Fearful of her plight, when they arrived in the emergency room Carter told the Doctor all about her pregnancy and the denial of her condition to their parents. Her refusal to schedule an appointment with an obstetrician until just this past week and that she finally made an appointment which was to be that coming Wednesday. The Doctor was very understanding reassuring him that her records were private. He went on to say that he would not be discussing her condition with anyone except him. He then allowed him to see her for just five minutes; later she was moved to her hospital room. At that point he called his parents and left a message for her parents who were away for the weekend.

Depression allows moments of lucid thinking. Carter attempts to end his thoughts long enough to shower and shave. He never got beyond his shower before returning to that deep pit of despondency. Jacqueline is foremost in his mind. They were the perfect couple or so they thought. She was petite weighing no more than a hundred lbs. and stood only five feet tall. She had thick brown hair, large brown eyes and a perfect smile. Once pregnant her completion that tended toward acne cleared and her small breasts filled a one size larger bra.

She like Carter was among the top students in School. Carter was the class valedictorian: she was just a few points shy of his. He was six feet and thin to the point of being called skinny; still no one would question his strength. He was by far one of the best looking fellows in the school and he knew it. His Dad often spoke to him of his conceited behavior. In actually it was after his marriage failed that he overcame this pattern of behavior. Nonetheless their personalities seem to draw them close together and this was often what others saw when the young couple was in their presence.

Jacqueline cried when she saw him by her bedside. At this point a barrier called guilt prevented them to ever speak of what had taken place just fourteen hours ago. Quite shaken by her weaken appearance he sat by her side and held her hand. Unable to say what was truly on his mind he simply said that he left a message for her parents and that he was quite sure that they would come running as soon as they return from their trip. Only allowed five minutes with her he left promising that he would spend the night by her bedside once she is placed in her room. She said very little, the tears did not stop until he left the room.

Hindsight being what is perceived as perfect vision Carter is now realizing that it was at that moment the marriage started to fail. Guilt needs a buddy. In time they both took claim to the fact that without the other the loss of the baby would not have happened.

His Dad was waiting for him outside the recovery room. He had gone to the garage to see him. They told him that he had called in that morning that he was rushing his wife to the hospital. As he proceeded to fill his dad in with the happenings of the day along comes his mother and his sister Babs. Full of sympathy they stayed with him until he received word that Jacqueline was taken to a private room on the third floor. As they arrived at her door her parents also arrived. Again he was forced to repeat the details of the day to her two anxious parents. According to the nurse in charge, Jacqueline was too weak to have visitors with the exception of her husband, much to the distress of her parents. They refuse to go home and slept in the waiting until the next morning. Meanwhile his parents left for home promising to wait until she is strong enough for visitors. He spent the night and the next day by her side, she slept most of the time speaking only when spoken to.

Her mother relieved him just long enough for him to go home to shower and change clothes. She had even less to say to her mother. Her blood count remained low. With no more apparent bleeding the Doctor was preparing to discharge her. She went home one week following her admission. Everyone that could help did so, except that more than her weakened condition was her state of mind. Depression was what the Doctor called it, Understandably so, said he. The loss was great to her. She needs time to accept and get on with her life.

Carter did not know how to handle the problem. As hard as he tried he had little influence with her. Three months into the depression her mother decided she would take matters into her hands and planned a mother and daughter trip into the big city for a week. The trip was a success. Jacqueline came home with a new wardrobe, along with a new look. Her mother had arranged for her to have a complete makeover which heightens Jacqueline’s spirits. He was amazed at how great she looked. They spent the evening she arrived home talking mostly about her and her wonderful trip. Long into the conversation she informed him that she planned to enroll at the community college and in time earn her degree in business. Her parents were going to pay for her education. He was at first ecstatic to see her so happy. He did not feel the effect of her decision until she became knee deep into her studies.

He soon discovered that he had to work longer hours to meet their expenses. In time he began to resent the fact that she could get an education and he was to remain a grease monkey. He had had great plans that last year of school and had earned several scholarships. He was a math genius according to his teachers who advised him to seek a degree in business and specialize in Accounting. To add to his resentment was the fact that Jacqueline seemed to have little time for him. They seldom socialized. She often copped out of spending weekends with his family with the excuse of either studying or catching up on housework. He offered to help her with her school work, she seldom accepted. He spends his free time going for groceries and keeping their cars in good working order. Missing in all this was the once treasured times under the sheets and their long talks about the future.

When their first anniversary arrived he suggested they go out on the town for the night. The night brought nothing back into the relationship. He toasted to their first year and then they ate in silence. Once home they settled in bed. His attempts to arouse some passion in her fail. They did however manage to complete the act of intercourse. As Carter recalled he could have masturbated with more excitement.

Jacqueline took summer courses as he continued to work overtime and often weekends. One night he decided to stop at a local bar before going home. To his surprise Maryann (Tommy’s former girlfriend) worked the bar. At first he did not recognize her. She had turned into a real beauty. Pleasing plump she wore her hair now highlighted to a lighter shade of blonde in ringlets. They did not speak to each other that night. When he stopped in the following week instead of seating in a booth he sat at the bar. Soon they were conversing. Maryann told him Tommy had gone into the service and that he writes her often. It seems that they were unofficially engaged. He is somewhat surprised. He had heard that Tommy had dropped Maryann as Tommy had so crudely put it after bragging about how she was an easy lay. He took another girl to the prom. Maryann displayed a friendship ring that Tommy had given her promising he would be buying her a diamond soon.

Most of the guys that came to the bar teased her and made comments about her beautiful full breasts. Once in a while one would pat her on the butt as she passed them to serve other customers. She never got angry; never made a fuss when men got out of line; she would just smile and continue working.

Carter met up with Tommy’s brother at the garage and asked about Tommy. It was as Maryann told him he was in the Marines. He was due home for another furlough in a couple of weeks. There was no mention of Maryann. He did not go to the bar again for a couple of weeks. The night that he did Tommy was there. Maryann was glowing. Before the night was over Tommy was loud and quite tipsy. He sat with Carter bragging about life in the service claiming that most girls dropped their pants at the sight of a Marine. He whispered about all of his conquests. As usual he bragged about Maryann as being his best lay of all. Carter left feeling quite sorry for Maryann who obviously loved Tommy very much.

It was just two weeks later that he and Jacqueline had their first quarrel. He had overheard her telling someone on the phone that she had to hang up her husband had come home early. Curious he began to ask questions. She resented the third degree as she put it. They stopped arguing long enough to eat supper. When the phone rang and he answered the caller hung up. This led to more questions. There was no doubt in Carter’s mind that the caller was a man.

A week later he had an appointment with the dentist and went into town. There he saw her having lunch with a man. They were so deep in conversation they did not hear him approach their table. Jacqueline introduced him as Carl a fellow classmate. She did not appear to be at all uncomfortable as he offered his hand to Carter. Neither offered an explanation for his being there. Carter refused their offer to join them pointing out that he was on his way to the dentist. He then left without saying goodbye. That night they argued again. She did not attempt to defend herself when he pointed out that she and Carl seem to have a lot to say to each other. The night ended with him sleeping on the sofa and she made no effort to stop him and the sofa became his bed for the rest of the week.

It was Saturday night Jacqueline had made plans to go to her parents for dinner and forgot to tell him. He arrived as she was leaving. She was angry that he was late insisting that she had told him about the invitation. He knew better he had excellent memory, she had not said a word about any invitation. He refused to rush through a shower in order to not keep his mother-in-law waiting. She went off in a huff.

He spent the next couple of hours moping about. Finally he showered and this time he scrubbed his nails till there was not a speck of grease to be seen. He was tired of being a grease monkey. He wanted more out of life than he was getting. Nowhere special to go he ended up at the bar making small talk with Maryann. He was feeling so miserable he did not notice the lack of glow from Maryann. He nursed his drinks as he usually did and listened to the music when she was not free to talk to him.

Close to closing time one of the fellows came back after leaving to inform Maryann that the lights in the parking lot were out. She was in charge of closing up that night. Harry her boss was out of town. She asked Carter to wait as she closed up and walk her to her car. He agreed. The lot was very dark except for just a little light coming from the street light. Maryann’s car was parked in the back of the lot. With the help of a flashlight he got her to her car. She offered to drive him to the front lot where his car was located. When he sat in the car she asked him what was wrong saying that the moment he walked in she knew that he was troubled. Before he knew it he was telling her about his troubled marriage as she listened. When he finished she asked him if he felt better letting it all out. He admitted that he did. He thanked her then kissed her on the cheek. Suddenly taken by her fresh smell and smile on her face he kissed her again. This time he felt her body next to his filling him with desire. She did not resist until his hands started to search and then she suggested they stop. He apologized; she accepted and then she suggested they return to the back room in the bar where it would be more comfortable for them to talk. He knew what she was suggesting, hesitating he said, I do not have any protection with me. Maryann smiled saying, Harry keeps a drawer full that he sells to the guys.

The back room was as private a place as anyone could find. The sofa was big. Carter was sure that Harry used it often. It was known about town that although Harry was married he had a girlfriend that visited him often when his wife was out of town. Maryann lit the bathroom light leaving the door slightly ajar to give them a little light.

Slowly they undressed. Once nude she guided him to touch her and then she took privileges with her hands. When ready she put on the condom for him saying, I am on the pill, but I think its best this way. She felt so soft; smelled so clean; soon he entered the vagina he once swore never to enter. Afterwards she washed herself and he did the same. As they started to prepare to leave Maryann started to cry. It was then that he would hear Maryann’s side of the story. He had only heard Tommy’s version. She loved Tommy; she had given him her virginity. He was the only one she ever had sex with. He was hard to please. At times he would suggest she share herself with some of his buddies. She always refused. They broke up many times, but she remained faithful to him. He always came back to her convincing her he truly loved her.

One night just before he went into the Marines he called her and got her out of bed. He took her parking, eager to make love. She decided that she would not give in so he took her home angrier than ever. He arrived the next night and purposed marriage telling her that when he comes home the next time they would get officially engaged. As Carter knew Tommy had been home a couple of weeks ago. She said there was no ring; no date just a quickie as he called it. The night that Carter saw him at the bar, he promised to take her out the next night. He never showed. He left three days ago after telling her he had purposed to Sheila Cunningham, one of their classmates, and that they were to be married in the fall.

Carter did not know what to say, all he could do was to hold her close. Just the touch of her soft body led to a second encounter. She was so easy to make love to. So special. His thoughts were then and now that Tommy was right Maryann was most likely the best lay in town. Carter fell off to sleep that night thinking of Maryann and that night so long ago and slept like a baby.

Why he needs to relive the past he does not know? But his thoughts stir him in that direction his every waking hour.

Jacqueline left him the next day totally unaware that he had spent the night with someone else. She left him a note saying she wanted a divorce. They met the following Saturday when she came to pack her belongings. That was when all the anger and guilt exploded from both their mouths. She claimed he was to blame for her losing the baby. He refused to take the blame, after all, she did not resist. In fact he said he thought she was very forward in her behavior and that was why they went for it a third time. She accused him of forcing himself on her and that was why she got pregnant. He accused her of trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant. Terrible nasty words traveled back and forth. Once she left the house he sighed with relief. The past year had been most unhappy for him.

They never made contact again. She filed for divorce and openly dated Carl, the fellow with whom she had lunch that day. He remained in their apartment for two months until his lease was up and then asked his parents to allow him to return home.

About a week after he and Jacqueline broke up he went to the bar looking for Maryann only to learn she left town leaving no forwarding address. Harry blamed Tommy for losing his best waitress. Carter could feel only sorrow knowing how unhappy she was and that he was not able to help her. He never saw Maryann again. He did meet up with Tommy and his wife about six years later. Tommy was as obnoxious as ever.

When they had a chance to talk alone Tommy (quite drunk) admitted he made a wrong choice. Shelia’s family had money and she was eager to marry so he dumped Maryann, the only girl he ever loved. Carter felt nothing but contempt for him as he listened. He could not refrain from asking if he knew where Maryann had gone off to. Tommy did not have a clue. Her family refused to talk to me. They never liked me, he said with a surprise tone in his voice unable to conceive of such an idea.

It’s raining the house is cold and damp Carter has to force himself to go out to get wood for the fireplace. Once out in the rain he allows the rain to pour over his body trying to justify it by calling it a cleansing of his warped mind. Finally chilled to the bone he carries in the wood and with great effort starts a fire. Once the fire is started he wraps himself in a blanket trying to end the chills. He lay on the floor by the fireplace where he fell asleep. When he woke up his thoughts go to those years after his divorce when his parents came to his rescue.

They stayed up later than usual the night he returned home. By the end of the night he was to realize how much his parents loved him. He had hopes of getting on with his education and asked them to allow him to live at home until he could accumulate enough money and perhaps with the use of his scholarships get accepted for the second semester. To his surprise he learned that every penny he had handed into them to help with their cost of living had actually been put into a savings account along with what they contributed to each of their children. There was enough to get him through his first two years possibly without a need to borrow.

Luckily he was able to get in the fall semester. He decided not to attend the local community college where Jacqueline was a student. He was accepted at the university of his choice. Since he had to live on campus he was forced to find part-time work. He remained adamant that he would never again work as a grease monkey so he applied for work in the cafeteria at the university. The first year he kept his nose to the grind stone ending the year with high grades opening the door to more scholarships.

As he recalls the generosity of his parents he has a sudden surge of loneliness realizing that he had not gone to town to check for mail since he first arrived. It is this feeling of emotion that gives him the courage to wash up, shave and change into one of his suits.

His Mailbox is stuffed with letters. Allen had given his PO Box number to all members of his family. His first reaction is anger. As he drove back after stopping at the local store he realizes that he could not wait to hear from everyone. That night he prepared a dinner by the fireplace. After eating he opened every letter slowly clinging onto every word he read. He is convinced that with enough imagination he could feel their presence. Babs had written two letters. The first cried out with frustration about his running off without leaving a forwarding address. Nonetheless her closing comment shows that no matter what she loves and misses him and their long talks. Her second letter is full of news regarding her children. He had favored her two children along with some of his other nieces and nephews. Along with all this news she writes about the new love in her life. She, like him, had trouble finding what they were searching for. An on and off BORN AGAIN Christian she recently was born again convinced that this time she is free of guilt and sin. It is also apparent that her new love is also a member of the church she attends. She is convinced that this is the ultimate in any love scenario.

As he reads her letter he is convinced he could hear her voice and feel her presence. Once the letters end, he is feeling very much alone. The next few hours he spends answering their letters although not full of content he has managed to reassure everyone that he is doing just fine. The letters however did not get mailed for two or more weeks. After cooking up a dinner which he did not enjoy nor finish he slumped down by the fire and as if waiting for the right time the story of his past came back. Like reading a book it starts exactly where he left off.

His second year of college offered him some wonderful surprises. Several of his teachers recommend him to students that need tutoring. Soon he manages to work with several students during his free time and in between classes giving him money that he badly needs. It is at this time his friendship with Allen Alexander blossomed. Allen, who had no financial problems, thanks to fairly wealthy parents, after the first semester of their second year, offered Carter a place to live rent free. The only stipulation being that he pays for his own food and personal needs.

Allen had taken in a roomer his first semester. It turned out to be a near disaster. The young man (Charlie) ran up phone and food bills in Allen’s name. The final straw came when he returned from a weekend visiting his parents. What he saw was the end results of a weekend party that came across more like an orgy. Couples half naked sleeping off the booze and whatever else they shared. The smell of pot was overwhelming. Charlie was in the bedroom sharing his bed with two women and another man. He often hinted he could go both ways. Unfortunately Allen had taken this as a joke. Charlie’s guests were ushered out after serving plenty of coffee; Allen wanted to avoid the potential of involvement with the police.

He was less kind to Charlie, he threw him out belongings and all with a warning never to return or he would report him to the police. He had taken pictures of the chaos for proof if needed, spent the next week in a hotel after informing his parents and arranged for a cleaning service to clean up the apartment. His parents willing paid the bills and had the apartment painted as well. Allen made a promise not to take on a roommate again, however Carter had impressed his parents and after seeing that the friendship was sincere they agreed.

The second year flew by with studies, tutoring, invitations from Allen’s parents, visits to Carter’s parents and naturally girls. Allen had no intention of getting serious while he was still in school. With every new girl he met he spent a couple of weeks of fun, plenty of sex and then it was over. And this he did from the time he entered the University. He never enticed girls with promises of commitment or words of love. As for Carter he was still leery of getting involved with girls. His relationship with Jacqueline had left him scarred.

Eventually as the two men formed their friendship he took on Allen’s approach to the subject of women and sex. It wasn’t until their third year that Carter’s testosterone starts to manifest. Every weekend a different girl, some he took to bed, others he sent back to their dorms wishing they hadn’t played hard to get. He wasn’t about to spend time seducing unless they made it clear that they were seducible. By the end of their third year, both he and Allen were big into pot, women and drinking. Their studies did not suffer and except for a brief episode they had managed to avoid getting into any serious trouble.

Someone reported to the police that a pot party was being held in Allen’s except the informer (believed to be a girl that Allen had recently stopped seeing) had the wrong night. The police were to discover two men and two girls enjoying a delightful catered meal. That ended all parties, but did not end catered dinners, liquor, pot and a night of sex with the women of their choice.

Carter was invited to spend that following summer with Allen and his parents traveling about Europe. His parents were overjoyed for him. It was all beyond his expectations. With this came an end to his testosterone escapades. He was into the excitement of this foreign world and its history.

It is not with hindsight that Carter is now reminiscing about this time with pleasure. It had truly been one of those short special times that one often experiences. As he recalls these times he realizes that he has had many short although happy times in his life.

Upon returning to school he and Allen spend more time reading, studying and making plans for the future. Their social life is quieter and sex not high on the agenda. They both graduate Magnum Cum laude in the upper ten of their classes. It is a time of reflection along with a newly found maturity.

For the next week Carter seems to rally a bit. He decides he is escaping from the pit of the depression that is hounding him. Since winter is still lashing its charms about and the roads are difficult to drive he decides to start another novel. Unlike the past his mind remains closed to any thoughts even similar to the beginning of a novel. He is not going to give up. He cooks up a storm; brings out a bottle of wine and allows himself to enjoy a quiet meal by the fireplace listening to some of his favorite music. By the end of the evening he had finished two bottles of wine. He sleeps by the fireplace that holds a burned out fire, with his clothes thrown about the floor. By morning he is chilled to the bone, suffering from a big head that gives him no relief until late into the night. The novel is out; the depression is back in.

CHAPTER 2

A llen becomes overly concerned as time passes by. His only communication from Carter is a brief note insisting he is doing just fine. Babs receives a longer letter which she shared with the family. It is not difficult to read between the lines that all is not well.

He makes little sense continuing to insist that he is doing just fine.

As for Carter’s publishers they make several attempts to contact him. The only communication is the realization that his check is deposited into his account. His dad is the only one without concern believing that he knows his son well enough to trust that he is taking a temporary sabbatical from living.

Carter is definitely on a sabbatical; by the end of winter he lost twenty pounds, his hair shoulder length along with a long full beard. No interest in shaving he did however shower periodically. Sadly he wore the same clothes until they were too dirty to bother washing and eventually threw them away. He is unable to quiet his mind despite his past training in meditation. As if he were watching a documentary of his life he sits day after day no longer able to fight off his power to recall.

The year following graduation he and Allen concentrated on their joint venture to establish the accounting firm of Alexander & Shelton. They took their ambitions seriously which proved to work. Success came as easily as if an unknown force seems to guide it along. Naturally relatives were their first clients. That was pittance compared to all the other new clients that sought out their services.

The office is situated in the city and for the first year they rent an apartment together. Then due to the success they encountered they each went on to settling closer to Carter’s family accepting the daily drive into the city as part of the demands of their success. As for Allen’s parents, they spent most of their time traveling the globe. Although, he and Allen did not spend time talking about their future plans they thought so much alike that it was no surprise that they were thinking of settling down, looking to perhaps marry and having a family.

Allen was the first to get involved. After a two year courtship he married Pamela, a slim five foot four green eyed brunette with a beautiful smile and a keen mind.

She was a school friend of Allen’s cousin. She had married and moved out of state only to return a widow with two children. Once settled, she contacted several of her old friends ending up at a party where she