When You Wake Up

By Lorie Hurst

What do you do when the hard-fought world you’ve created comes crashing down in an instant?

Savvie Bolton has applauded herself on accepting and then ignoring any downfalls of married life. After all, she waited years to reach this milestone. Nothing will be allowed to mar it, especially not a past she has worked so hard to bury.

But life has other ideas. An accident sends her husband, Adam, into a coma and plunges Savvie into a world of fear she doesn’t know how she’ll survive. When an innocent comment from a new neighbor opens the door she’s tried so hard to keep shut, her heart spirals out of control.

With a past that won’t stay in the past, a future that’s scarier every day her husband doesn’t wake up, and a heart that seems determined to betray her, Savvie must navigate a journey whose ending she couldn’t possibly have anticipated.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781546259732

Lorie Hurst

Lorie Hurst has Bachelor degrees in English and Education, and has always enjoyed both writing and public speaking. She grew up in a remote area of Canada, where life was physically demanding. Now she lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. She is a massage therapist by trade, and a ballroom dancer by hobby.

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Copyright © 2019 Lorie Hurst. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 09/27/2018

ISBN: 978-1-5462-5974-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-5973-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018910797

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

1

Savvie Bolton stared down from the edge of the hayloft. Dust particles played in the sunbeams and she slowly swung her dangling feet through them. The stillness was perfect. Her body felt satisfied, warm and heavy, and her mind felt happily empty.

A boot scooted to either side of her legs at the same time a pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders. Adam snuggled up behind her and kissed her ear. She enjoyed hearing him breathe, the slow contented sighs that were so different from the urgent panting of a few minutes ago. She was especially glad that at moments like this he said nothing. She knew he would not have opted for silence if he could have come up with the right thing to say. Thankfully he had resorted to whatever message he could give Savvie by holding her. It was a well-won victory after the many awkward and painful times when both of them fumbled through what they thought they should say or do afterwards.

See, she told her heart, we have reached this place where we understand each other. Her happiness in this thought invariably led to the reason why she insisted on recognizing it in the first place—because before, years ago in what felt like another dimension, they hadn’t had to try at all. It had come so naturally, and it wasn’t silence. It was words, beautifully whispered perfect words, accompanied by touches that knew where to go.

But she must not think of that. She forced her mind back to Adam, to the love she knew he felt for her, that he had just shown her with his body, in the best way he knew how. Yes, they had come a long way.

Loading the dishwasher several hours later, Savvie found herself wondering when lovemaking in the afternoon had ceased to feel adventurous. Was it the routine of the farm? Was it familiarity with each other? Was it the fact that she was married and therefore no longer breaking what she had seen for an entire lifetime as the highest moral rule?

Savvie was raised in a good home where, for the most part, her parents practiced what they preached. She hadn’t realized until she was out in the world for several years, that what she thought of as normal the rest of the world thought of as great. When had a regular marriage, where parents got along, come to be the exception to the rule?

She had tried to laugh it off when her mother Janice had talked to her about sex. Any pre-teen would. But when time stretched on and she looked back and realized that was the only occasion her mother ever broached the topic, she decided maybe it was important. It’s a beautiful thing, Janice had said, but be careful with it. Powerful things have powerful rules. Give it only to the one you’re staying with forever, the one you marry.

Except she hadn’t. The guilt had always been there, along with the beauty. She hadn’t planned it that way. A part of her truly wished she could feel regret.

It was all fine now though. Married at last. She still liked to say the words my and husband in the same sentence. It had been three years since she said her vows, insisting on them reading such that they could answer I do instead of I will, so that every little detail of her lifelong dream could be realized. Well, not every detail, she had to admit. But those over which she had control she had seen to with energy and devotion.

Adam Bolton had lived on the farm all his life. It wasn’t so much that he loved it as that it simply was life. He had that easy going acceptance that Savvie both admired and found frustrating. He applied logic to life where she wanted to insert dreams. She had to admit that their finances did not permit moving at this time, but she needed to have Adam accept that she didn’t like the farm.

She supposed he wanted her to be grateful that he had provided a home for them. The dream of buying something new as a married couple didn’t seem to rank in Adam’s mind. A solid roof over their heads did. The part of Savvie that wanted to be the best wife possible told her to be thankful to Adam. Somehow it didn’t come out that way. She would stay on the farm, but he had to be ok with her not liking it.

At least it wasn’t an operating farm. She couldn’t imagine getting up at the crack of dawn and taking care of livestock. Tucked into the gently rolling hills of southern Minnesota, the 62-year old farm no longer supported the dairy cows it once had. It was close enough to the small city of Paynesville to not feel remote either, something that was important to Savvie. Adam worked hard to maintain the buildings, and that did cause admiration. Savvie certainly didn’t contribute equally there.

Unlike her husband, Savvie hadn’t grown up in Paynesville. Far from it. She was born and raised in Canada, where the cold was extreme and the mosquitos were worse. She had extended family on both sides of the border, and had crossed it countless times in her younger years. She liked to brag to Adam about going only as far as her back yard to find wild blueberries, and having once actually seen a moose on the side of the road. But she found that now she loved Minnesota, and had no longing to go back to her roots. However, a farmer she was not.

They both still had the jobs they had when they first met—he a nurse at the County Hospital and she a kindergarten teacher—but the farm had come to them through family inheritance and Adam wouldn’t hear of embarking on the tedious journey of declining it. And why should he? He was the kind of person who accepted his lot and always saw the bright side. He was patient and hardworking. Those were good qualities, Savvie told herself on numerous occasions. It just wouldn’t hurt if the man could dream a little.

Savannah, did you record the groceries in the budget yet?

Adam had his head in the fridge and had obviously seen the full shelves. Just as Savvie was wondering if he noticed, he added, Thanks for getting string cheese.

No problem honey, and yes it’s all recorded.

Adam was the only one who still called her Savannah. She came from a long line of family nicknamers, and considering the whoppers she had as a child, she was thankful that Savvie was the one that stuck. She had assumed when Adam started falling for her that he would call her Honey or Baby or something endearing. Hadn’t she been waiting her whole life to hear those words from her husband? But when she got up enough nerve to ask him one night, after trying to innocently weave the topic into their conversation, he had replied simply that he loved her name. She was at a loss for a countering argument, and had smiled slowly as her mind warmed to the thought. Hearing her name on the lips of the man who also breathed it in gasps of wanting was a feeling she’d never tire of. On the other hand, she couldn’t stop herself from calling him Honey. She’d been waiting just as long to do that.

Adam had finally closed the fridge door, string cheese in hand, and plopped himself down at the table. You should have seen the laceration repair we got at the hospital this morning. This guy’s arm was sliced so deep the bone was showing, and the muscle tissue looked like a steak.

Wow, I can’t imagine how you deal with that so easily. I feel faint just hearing about it.

Are you kidding me? You deal with five-year-olds throwing up on your shoes. I’ll take blood any day over squabbling kids.

Unless they were our kids. It would be totally different then.

Adam waited just a second too long to say, Of course. He stuffed the rest of the string cheese in his mouth and seemed to make quite a show of chewing. End of conversation, thought Savvie.

When they climbed in bed Savvie tucked her knees up, facing Adam, automatically reaching for his hands and winding her fingers in his. This had seemed so awkward at first when she had assumed they would fall asleep every night spooning. But then she had realized Adam liked to talk at night, which certainly wasn’t consistent with his daytime habits. They would lie there, noses mere inches apart, and Savvie would hear the random thoughts that Adam’s mind touched on as he settled in and mentally replayed his day. She had tried, very hard, to stay awake and listen. Her mother’s words explaining that men needed to be listened to rang in her ears like a bell. She wanted to hear too—muttering though it sometimes sounded, she wanted to get to know Adam in any way he expressed himself. But her body had other ideas. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. She followed that by sleeping like a baby.

Adam had hinted at first of being envious of her ability to do that, which relieved her as it served as acknowledgment that he knew she couldn’t stay awake. Still, he talked. Still, she had to remind him every so often, Honey, I just can’t do night time conversation. Can we talk about this tomorrow? Always understanding at the time, he would kiss her nose and cease his discussion. It had somehow grown to feel alienating if one of them turned their back, so they always fell asleep facing each other. Tonight was no different. Savvie seemed to feel, ever so lightly, before sleep enveloped her, Adam kissing her nose again.

When the alarm clock rang the next morning, Savvie awoke to tingles in her body. It took a moment to orient herself. As her surroundings etched themselves into her consciousness, she felt that familiar aching falling feeling, that coming down from a dream she didn’t want to wake up out of.

She was thankful that Adam’s job started two hours after hers, and she had her mornings to herself. As she did her usual routine, she tried to enjoy the feeling of the dream she had been experiencing, the remains of which seemed to cling to her. It wrapped her in a different world, untouchable and unreachable. Savvie knew it would wear off, as they always did, and bittersweet though it was, she wanted to enjoy every tingle before it did. Staring at herself in the mirror while brushing her thick shoulder-length blonde hair, she smiled. What would Samson think if he knew, after all these years, she still dreamed of him? He was happily married, a country away, and she had just made love to him.

She looked the same as she had back then. She was average height, with a build that looked toned but not thin. Her brown eyes sparkled with life, even though life had seen fit to deposit hints of wrinkles on her once-smooth face. She was confident if she met Samson on the street, he would recognize her instantly, even though it had been 15 years since they’d seen each other. She knew in all likelihood they would never meet again. She was fine with that. They had both moved on. But it had taken years to admit to herself that he still lingered in her heart.

She knew work would force her mind off Samson, so she reveled in the last few minutes of her drive, alone with her thoughts and dreams of him. He was opposite of Adam in every way. He was only a few inches taller than her, where Adam could tuck her head under his chin. He had a fair complexion with thinning hair and hazel eyes, where Adam had thick dark curls and bright blue eyes. The physical differences were minor compared to their personalities. Samson was uninhibited, free spirited and confident, strong when he needed to be but gentle and tender—

A wave and a shout from Cara brought Savvie out of her reverie, and she parked her car and got out. Cara Wallace was the music teacher at Malden Elementary School where they both worked. She was always humming some childhood song, or making up a new one that she insisted she run by Savvie before the children heard it. Their classrooms were close and their friendship was closer. Though Cara was single, they had found an instant camaraderie four years ago when Cara joined the staff. Cara liked to joke that as long as their lives stayed opposite, they would have juicy tidbits to share with each other. Savvie made it clear that if Cara didn’t remain single, Savvie would be her maid of honor, and would usher in a new exciting chapter with tidbits Cara couldn’t even imagine yet.

"You’re glowing Savvie! Don’t tell me you and Adam had one of those mornings on what should be a regular old Tuesday!"

Savvie blushed, not because she hadn’t discussed those mornings a hundred times before with Cara, but because guilt crept into her laugh as she assured her friend that wasn’t the case. Cara’s eyebrows shot up with that perfect I’m-not-convinced look, but the arrival of a throng of children put an end to the potential questioning.

The constant routine that elementary school demanded was a blessing when one’s mind didn’t want to work too hard. All the teachers stood on the front steps until their classes were lined up in front of them. The lines took turns going in, in as orderly a fashion as could be mustered by children with an ever-present excess of energy. Savvie settled her bag and jacket into her desk as the boys and girls found their appropriate hooks and cubbyholes in the entrance room, and then clambered into their desks. She stood at the front of the room, waiting until the last one was seated, trying not to smile as they looked at her. She had taught them that their goal was to get to their desks as quickly as possible, and the most diligent always watched her with eyes that begged for her to notice their accomplishments. She knew she had to remain tall and firm, as she wanted her presence and not her words to speak to them. Since she had done a consistent job with this the first week of the year, the routine took care of itself. But it always warmed her heart to see them so eager to please her.

As usual, noise emanating from Megan’s classroom next door told her that her neighboring teacher’s tactics still weren’t working. Wondering how Megan ever kept her sanity, Savvie finally let the smile in her heart reach her lips, exclaiming, Well done boys and girls, I’m proud of you.

She went through her morning schedule of date, weather, and news, and from there to Show and Tell. After that it was art time, and today’s projects involved construction paper and pipe cleaners. Savvie wasn’t surprised when a few of the students started complaining.

I want to paint Mrs. Bolton, I don’t WANT to cut and paste! asserted Randy, trying the tactic of standing with a pout and refusing to walk to the art table.

Savvie patiently but firmly answered, Randy, I’m so glad to hear you enjoy painting. You did a wonderful picture of an elephant yesterday and it was one of my favorites. But remember I promised you could make a spider?

Not knowing where this was going, the little boy nodded. Savvie held up several black fluffy pipe cleaners, then reached out to give them to Randy.

Won’t these make the BEST spider legs ever? You can use as many as you want.

Randy couldn’t hide his excitement. Painting forgotten, he grabbed the pipe cleaners and ran to join his classmates. Savvie marveled at the short attention span that allowed children to experience the whole gamut of emotions in mere minutes. How she wished she could dismiss a grievance so easily. How she wished someone wiser would show her a different perspective when she had her heart set on something. Where was her fairy godmother when she was surrounded by life’s pumpkins?

Not three minutes into lunch hour, Cara popped into Savvie’s room, doing her best imitation of a tango.

To what do I owe this impressive display? Or should I just stick a rose in your mouth and enjoy the show? Savvie knew Cara loved regaling her with stories of single-womanhood and all the adventures she traversed in the land of dating. And she had to admit she enjoyed them too, almost as much as she liked telling Cara how wonderful married life was.

Cara collapsed her dance frame with a chuckle. I think I need to come over tonight. I had a date last night with Blaine. Nothing stupendous, but I must tell you all the details to keep you current on the saga. And you did mention that you got more of our Pinot Grigio—I can’t let you drink it alone.

Is this date number three for Blaine?

Yuppers. Don’t give me that look. Lots of them have reached date three before.

But not by being boring. So yes, I will pour the wine tonight and you will have my rapt attention. Are you coming for supper too?

Naw, you and Adam enjoy your meal. His laments that I’m taking you from him will be toned down if I let him have some of your evening.

You know he just does that for my sake, right? You know he doesn’t mean it.

Of course, how long have I known you guys? He’s practically my family too. Besides I always outwit him at the game of who needs you most at the moment.

I wonder if Adam would get along with Blaine. What do you think?

Cara rolled her eyes. We are NOT going there right now! Gotta run, but see you tonight, say around 8:00?

Savvie admired Cara. She was spot-on with the kids during her classes, but she could cut up and act so young herself. Savvie recalled her mother’s conversation about whether children keep you young or age you. She was able to put forth several good examples for each side of the spectrum, and then she had given Savvie that look that invited her to pick a side and defend it.

That wasn’t the point at all in Savvie’s thinking. She figured her mom was trying to show her that there was a downside to having children, as if she didn’t already know. Having kids is like giving your heart permission to walk around outside your body she had read on a meme somewhere. Thinking that it was a tedious, frustrating, or even heartbreaking journey didn’t mean it wasn’t painful to be denied access to it.

Her mom meant well, but as is often the case with mothers, she didn’t know which perspective would be comforting to Savvie. In her defense, Savvie hadn’t exactly opened up to her. She didn’t really need to. All her excitement when she first got married about starting a family, and now three years and no baby later, didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out.

Savvie was 36 years old. Adam was 37. Neither had been married before. They had talked about children before tying the knot, as advised by everyone who suddenly thought they were marriage counsellors upon discovering Savvie still wanted a family at her age. She had dutifully determined that she and her husband were like-minded in their desires, and it had actually added some fun to their romantic life that first year. As each month ticked by with no big news to tell Adam however, Savvie started to get discouraged. This was perfectly normal, she told herself. She had considered this path before marriage, so she couldn’t claim ignorance. She couldn’t even garner much sympathy from peers, as they unfailingly pointed out her age as the major contributing factor. Even her doctor had warned her that her eggs were 36 years old and that presented challenges. Fine. She understood that. But challenges weren’t impossibilities. They would just keep trying. And they did.

Savvie remembered the exact day that Adam derailed their journey. She was so unprepared for it that she had stared at him with a shocked look on her face, and the inability to speak or move. She had been sidling up to him, gently rubbing her body against him while she kissed his neck and slowly undid the knot on his scrub pants. He was standing in the living room, having just returned from work and taken off his shoes. She felt his body respond and she quickened her movements. She put her arms around his chest and walked forward, pushing him until he was up against the wall and she could hold her body harder onto his. She hadn’t noticed that Adam had yet to put his arms around her, when he suddenly blurted out, Is this because you want me, or you just want to get pregnant?

When she could finally find her voice, she had looked away from the intensity of his eyes and responded, Both.

It just doesn’t feel right, Adam said, trying to gently disentangle her arms from him.

Doesn’t feel right? What do you mean? Are you not—, Savvie found she couldn’t finish her thought. Are you not attracted to me anymore? The sudden fear of the answer stifled the question. Weren’t they supposed to enjoy the process, no matter the outcome? When had he stopped being a normal guy and resisting sexual advances? She thought over the past few months. Maybe she had gone too far on the quantity end of the solution. Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to initiate sex at every hour of the day. But seriously—weren’t guys supposed to be fine with that?

I know you want a baby Savvie, I do too. But I’m just not in the mood right now, ok?

She was so floored by his admission, that she let him pull his pants back up and walk into the kitchen before she could think of something to say. Well, we’re going to have to do it sometimes whether we’re in the mood or not, you know. The more we do it, the better our chances. She couldn’t believe she was having to explain this to him.

He walked over and gave her a quick squeeze. I know. But not right now, ok? And that was it. No further explanation. Savvie felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. A dozen questions tumbled through her mind, but Adam had quickly busied himself and was avoiding her gaze. His actions and mood clearly said he didn’t want to talk any more. That left Savvie to draw her own conclusions. They weren’t encouraging. He didn’t really want a baby. After all this, he was going to walk away from the effort without any regard for their dreams.

Somehow she had gotten through the rest of that day. And the next and the next. Her initial fear that Adam wouldn’t want her anymore was ungrounded, and he proved that by continuing the habits of their romantic life. But Savvie still had questions. Every day she didn’t ask them, closed up tighter and tighter by fear, her conclusions got scarier.

She started to insinuate topics into everyday conversation that might shed light on how Adam really felt. She pointed out other people’s children every chance she got, made lighthearted comments, showed him facebook posts of cute kid videos.

And then she watched.

She scrutinized his every reaction, reading into his words and facial expressions. She had to admit he didn’t say anything wrong, but the problem was he didn’t say anything right. He just continued on, as if he hadn’t effectively made her feel like they were on separate courses, heading towards separate dreams.

She finally realized how simple the solution was. Dreading the answers she didn’t want to hear, she convinced herself that no conversation was needed anyway. She simply had to persevere, and get pregnant. Once she was able to bring that wonderful news to him, they would be right back on the path they started out on.

With a diligence born of a lifelong dream, she kept her fears at bay. Despite the fact that Adam didn’t seem to enjoy watching children playing anymore. Despite the fact that he never suggested baby names anymore. Despite the fact that he never asked her what day she was on in her cycle anymore. She ignored all this. Life went on. All she had to do was get pregnant.

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Savvie got through the rest of her day in the kindergarten classroom, dealing with the myriad of issues that five-years old’s lives presented, and doing so with an affection and understanding into which she poured her passion for children. It was exhausting work but it didn’t tire her like Adam always imagined it would. She was looking forward to Cara’s visit, and she told Adam almost as soon as he walked in. She was chopping vegetables for a stir-fry, and he walked up behind her and gave her a greeting kiss, as he’d done every single day when he got home from work. Lately though, he’d taken to talking to her as soon as he came through the door, so the kiss was usually in the middle of a sentence. Today’s topic was the flyer in the mail that he was holding in his hand.

The Bazinets’ farm is for sale! I can’t believe it. I know Gary wasn’t as enthused about it as Ron was, but I never thought he’d sell. The Bazinets were their closest neighbors, although farms did allow spacious enough property that they couldn’t see each other’s houses. Added to that were the trees that Adam’s grandfather had planted around the house and yard, resulting in privacy, and more importantly, the most beauty Savvie could muster to credit the place.

Gary was the current owner of the Bazinet farm and around the same age as Adam. His wife Laura had come around with a pan of brownies two weeks after Adam and Savvie had officially moved in. They had known Gary and his father Ron for years, but Laura married Gary only months before Savvie’s own wedding. She thought it a kind and traditional gesture on Laura’s part, and they had been chatty whenever they met. However, no deep friendship had blossomed between them. Upon hearing Adam’s news of the farm being listed for sale, Savvie suddenly wondered why she had never made more effort towards Laura.

So, we’re getting new neighbors. Although we have no idea when. Farm sales could take forever. By the way, Cara is coming over tonight.

Looking at the amount of food Savvie was chopping, he replied, I see she’s not coming for supper. You’d be chopping five pounds more of just the onion alone. That girl eats like a horse.

Adam! He just raised one eyebrow. Ok you’re right. I know. And actually I’m so jealous of her metabolism. It’s not fair that she doesn’t gain an ounce.

It’s going to catch up with her one of these days. Girls like that can’t pull it off forever.

That may be so. But she’s got some pretty great glory days to look back on.

Look who’s talking, Adam said as he went in for one more quick kiss. I’m so glad you decided to share your glory days with me. These aren’t my glory days, was Savvie’s immediate thought, accompanied by sadness and then guilt. I can’t give them to you because I gave them to someone else. With practiced discipline, she hid her emotions and smiled. She had to admit it was heartwarming how Adam automatically complimented her any time he thought she was comparing herself to someone else.

Cara will be here around 8:00. As always, you’re welcome to join us. Her latest participant in the Dating-Cara-Game is on round three, so exciting details will abound.

Adam rolled his eyes, as Savvie expected him to do, but she knew he’d be smiling. The perfect end to a day that started with a fishhook in a kid’s ear. What better way for a guy to relax than to hear about how some other poor guy will never make the ultimate cut. He was walking into the bedroom as he talked, and he raised his voice to continue being heard. Don’t worry, I’ll either do some woodworking or go see Justin.

He emerged a few minutes later, changed into jeans and a t-shirt. The shirt had Washington DC across the chest, a place Adam had never been. Savvie had bugged him one time about taking his hand-me-downs to extremes. Adam was too logical to see how it mattered that words printed on a secondhand shirt might say something about him. Seeing that Savvie was in one of her moods where a small detail could