Introduction to Islamic Marital Counseling

By Imam Abdul-Rahman Yaki

The imam calls upon contemporary literature in the fields of marriage and counseling as well as his own insights from years of experience as an imam and counselor for the Muslim community. Imam Yaki offers a unique method of presenting the material. His presentation style and topic content keeps the audience engaged, while equipping them with practical means to implement Islamic principles (Rhonda Ragab and Omar Elkassed from Los Angeles, California).

Some of the topics covered in this book are the following:
Building a strong individual
Building a strong family
The Islamic perspective
Premarital counseling
Family network and their influences on marriage

In addition to addressing proper manners (aadaab), Imam Yaki presents the aforementioned topics using resources from the following:
Main sources (Fiqhul Usool)
Secondary sources (Fiqhul Furu)
Factual findings (Fiqhul Waaqie)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 17, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543484823

Book preview

Copyright © 2018 by Imam Abdul-Rahman Yaki.

Library of Congress Control Number:            2018902320

ISBN:                  Hardcover                   978-1-5434-8480-9

                            Softcover                      978-1-5434-8481-6

                            eBook                           978-1-5434-8482-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

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Rev. date: 03/13/2018

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No man is exempted from making mistakes.

—Prophet Muhammad ﷺ

As the great Islāmic scholar, Imam Mālik of Madinah, once said,

كُلُّ كَلَامٍ فِيْهِ مَقْبُوْلٌ وَ مَرْدُوْدٌ إِلّا كَلَامُ صَاحِبِ هَذا القَبْرِ

Every statement will either be accepted or rejected except for the speech of the inhabitant of this grave (of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ).¹

This saying is echoed by many righteous scholars devoted to conveying the message sent by Allāh, the Almighty, to the Prophet; peace be upon him. May Allāh have mercy on them all.

This book is dedicated to you, the reader, and to leaders and families everywhere who need encouragement in helping to build marital relationships effectively, especially within the Muslim community. However, perfection only belongs to Allāh. For this reason, we ask Allāh for His forgiveness. Surely that which is right is from Him. Errors and mistakes are mine, and I pray that Allāh forgives me of my shortcomings and that He forgives all of us, in general. As a reader, keep us in your prayers. We pray all benefit from this.

رَبَّنَا تَقَبَّلْ مِنَّا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

Our Lord, accept [this] from us.

Indeed, You are the Hearing, the Knowing.

—Qur’an 2:127

Amīn.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Preface

A Note From The Author

Explanation of Transliteration and Arabic References

Chapter 1     What Is the Islāmic Perspective?

Chapter 2     An Introduction to Counseling

Chapter 3     Counseling from an Islāmic Perspective

Chapter 4     Introduction to Premarital Counseling

Chapter 5     Salātul Istikhārah

Chapter 6     The Danger of Social Media

Chapter 7     Marriage in Islām

Chapter 8     Marital Issues

Chapter 9     The Uncomfort Zone

Chapter 10   Divorce

Chapter 11   Children

Conclusion

Bibliography

About The Author

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First and foremost, my appreciation is to Allāh, who has guided me with His mercy.

To my parents, who have raised me well

To my teachers, who have educated me patiently

To my family, who have generously and patiently supported me

To the beautiful and supportive community of the Islāmic Center of the Capital District

To all those who have contributed to my development and upbringing, past and present

May Allāh bless you all.

This book is a practical work of imamship of more than a decade of learning, teaching, reflecting, and counseling in the United States; in other words, it is lessons learned. I have been influenced by many, but ideas that have impacted me the most have an Islāmic coloring. Always keep in mind that proper knowledge does not contradict divine guidance enshrined in the Qur’an and the Sunnah.

Thanks to my students Khalafalla Osman and ‘Esa Hassan for their time, dedication, and energy with regard to their assistance in helping me to organize and articulate this book. Additionally, many thanks to my student Alaudeen Umar for his phenomenal work on the graphic design of the book cover. May Allāh bless them all.

I am truly grateful to my dear friend and retired colleague Will Aitcheson, whom I call Professor. His generosity and insight as a professional psychologist is greatly appreciated. My gratitude also goes to Omar Elkassed and his wife, Rhonda Ragab, in Los Angeles, and many more. Thank you, and may God bless you all.

PREFACE

In the name of Allāh, the Beneficent, the the Merciful.

All praises are due to Allāh. We praise Him; we seek His help; we seek His forgiveness and His guidance. We seek refuge in Allāh from the evil of our souls and the wrongdoings of our actions. Whoever Allāh guides, no one can misguide. And whoever Allāh leaves astray, none can guide him. I bear witness that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allāh ﷻ. And I bear witness that Muhammad ﷺ is His servant and messenger. Allāh ﷻ says in the Qur’an,

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ تُقَاتِهِ وَلَا تَمُوتُنَّ إِلَّا وَأَنتُم

مُّسْلِمُونَ

O you who believe! Fear Allāh as He should be feared. And die not except in a state of Islām (Qur’an 3:102).

Allāh ﷻ also says,

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ

مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي

تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا

People, be mindful of your Lord, who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them spread countless men and women far and wide; be mindful of God, in whose name you make requests of one another. Beware of severing the ties of kinship: God is always watching over you. (Qur’an 4:1)

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا - يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ

أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ ۗ وَمَن يُطِعِ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ فَقَدْ فَازَ

فَوْزًا عَظِيمًا

Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose, and He will put your deeds right for you and forgive you your sins. Whoever obeys God and His Messenger will truly achieve a great triumph. (Qur’an 33:70–71)

After thanking Allāh, I ask that He accept my humble effort, and I pray that He forgives our mistakes. The following pages are indeed an attempt to address some of the societal issues of marital life that confront the modern-day Muslim. The modern-day imam, to understand the needs of his community, must primarily understand himself, his environment, and the time in which we live. Ours is the age of science and technology. Directly or indirectly, these fields have influenced and affected our lives. Any resistance to either is irresponsible and sometimes catastrophic. Pretending to live in the twentieth century is not only unrealistic but also nonsensical. To be an effective imam in the twenty-first century, one must be equipped in terms of Islāmic sciences and in the knowledge of the environment, time, and the society in which we live in. Allāh says in Surah Ibrahim,

وَمَا أَرْسَلْنَا مِن رَّسُولٍ إِلَّا بِلِسَانِ قَوْمِهِ لِيُبَيِّنَ لَهُمْ ۖ فَيُضِلُّ اللَّه

ُ مَن يَشَاءُ وَيَهْدِي مَن يَشَاءُ ۚ وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ

And We have not sent a messenger except with the language of his people, in order that he might make (the message) clear to them (Qur’an 14:4).

Here, the language of his people is a comprehensive phrase that denotes the tools needed for an effective propagation through proper communication. I once heard a wise man say, If you have a tool, you can endure all kinds of problems. Without a tool, you are vulnerable. Therefore, Allāh, the all-Aware, will never send us to emulate the legacy of His messengers through calling people to His way without equipping us with the proper, effective, and necessary tools. These tools also are our standard criteria for this book, and in our toolbox are two very essential resources: the Qur’an and the Sunnah. Moreover, these resources have manuals for understanding, written by the most knowledgeable and righteous of generations, our predecessors. Similarly, in this humble work there happens to be data that are very useful and informative from scholars of different spheres of expertise. In Islām, we take from all sources of knowledge as long as it does not contradict our theological foundation. It has been jurisprudentially accepted that wisdom is a lost treasure of a believer, he takes it wherever he finds it.²

This work is a result of more than a decade of counseling families within Muslim communities in the United States and even worldwide, thanks to the power of modern communication. Also, a few visits to Ghana have contributed to the success of this work. Although most of my friends and colleagues have called these visits a working visit, I have called them training experiences. I was encouraged by many seminar participants to develop a resource tool for imams and leaders at the Islamic Council for Development and Humanitarian Services (ICODEHS) in Accra, back in April 2009, which was a successful achievement. The Ghanaian Times wrote in its April 15, 2009, edition 100 Muslim scholars go to school. After the seminar, I received such encouragement from leaders such as Sheikh Umar Ibrahim Imam, the national imam of ASWAJ in Ghana; Sheikh Mustapha Ibrahim, director of ICODEHS; and others. May Allāh bless them all. In addition, each of the participants made a significant contribution to the success of this work. Their questions and concerns are part of it, and to all of them I say, may Allāh reward you.

Also, thanks to my colleagues, who spent their precious hours discussing issues of importance pertaining to the family and other social issues. To all I say, may Allāh protect you. My family has always been caring, responsible, and generous to me. What else should I say, other than may Allāh continue to bless you. My teachers, past and present, who have taught me and showed me the light are numerous. May Allāh have mercy over them. Most importantly, my parents, who have taken their responsibilities seriously and have given me discipline colored with love, may the paradise be your abode, Muhammed and Nana Hawwa.

It is also worth noting that one cannot rely only on the self when writing a book; other scholars and works are always consulted. Therefore, their valuable assistance cannot be overemphasized. I personally acknowledge their help in making this dream come true. May the Almighty God reward them.

Finally, I pray that all of us will benefit from this work by improving it with constructive criticism. This is an introductory part, hopefully, of our next project, Al-Bishirinmu Ma-Aurata, a much more comprehensive book on marital matters and how to improve marital relationships. The title is inspired by our very successful radio program, hosted by our dear sister, Hafsat Kadir English, in Hausa, Accra, Ghana. All these successes come from Allāh, and all praise is due to Him.

In this document, I have used the words Allāh and God interchangeably. I also have tried to perfect transliteration of some Islāmic words or concept into English. This can be tough for one reason in particular—certain Arabic letters have no equivalent in Latin script. Also, we can disagree and not be disagreeable. A great number of our fiqh practices are understood from the text, mafhum and not mantuq, which is clear-cut and explicitly proven through the text. The solution is our reliance on Allāh, based on authentic teachings of the Prophet ﷺ and proper understanding based on the understanding of our predecessors. With that mind-set, when there is disagreement—and there will be disagreement—we will be able to appreciate and celebrate our scholarly diversity. May Allāh help us and forgive us of our sins. Wassalāmu Alaikum.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Muharram 10, 1439 AH

September 30, 2017 CE

I thank Allāh ﷻ for His enormous blessings, which are innumerable, and may the peace and blessings be upon His Prophet ﷺ, his household, and all those who followed his footsteps. We begin with the attitude of gratitude—being grateful for all that Allāh ﷻ has given us. This book is the revised edition; the first edition was published in my home country of Ghana during a working visit in May 2017. However, publishing mistakes were detected, and as soon as I returned to the States, I began to revise the book, day and night.

In this edition, I would like to thank my humble student Khalafalla Osman. You have been with me every step of the way in organizing this book. I appreciate your generosity. Keep up the good work. You have challenged me on certain occasions, but that shows your maturity. May Allāh ﷻ continue to bless you.

To Omar Elkassed and his wife, Rhonda Ragab: You have contributed greatly in the success of this book. I was quite impressed when I saw suggestions made with regard to classical Arabic grammar. To both of you, may Allāh ﷻ continue to bless your lives.

To Will Aitcheson: Your positive and constructive criticism in the making of this book was unimaginable, and your generosity has been remarkable.

To the many others who have contributed to this book: Your contributions made the book a better read. Your feedback was invaluable. Thank you all, and may Allāh ﷻ bless this humble effort.

—Imam A. Yaki

Transliteration Tables

image1.jpgtables.jpg

there may be times that we also transliterate long vowels using aa/ee/oo format.

Explaining Arabic References

ﷺ: Salal Lāhu ‘Alaihi Wa Sallam, meaning May Allāh’s peace and blessings be upon him. This will always be used in regard to the Prophet Muhammad.

ﷻ: Jalla Jalāluh, meaning His glory is great. This statement will always be used in reference to Allāh (God). Other ways Muslims praise Allāh are by saying ‘Azza wa Jall and Subhānahu Wa Ta’āla. Due to the beautiful and easy symbol ﷻ, we chose that format. However, all phrases are within the tradition of Islām.

Regarding Names and Attributes of Allah

‘Affirmation without Comparison’ – Nothing resembles Him in His Being and Attributes.

Based on His affirmation in the Qur’an:

لَيْسَ كَمِثْلِهِ شَيْءٌ ۖ وَهُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْبَصِيرُ

There is nothing like Him: He is the All Hearing, the All Seeing (Qur’an 42:11).

Allah’s Names and Attributes are not compared with the attributes of His creation.

His Hearing, Seeing, Knowledge, Power, Will, Mercy, Hands, are His – alone. Trying to compare it with His creation is anthropomorphism, an act of disbelief.

Nothing resembles Him in His Being and Attributes.

Therefore, in this humble work, when it comes to Allah’s Names and Attributes, whether capitalized or not. Our belief or position is, Names and Attributes of Allah are not to be compared with His creation.

He is One without partners.

-Imam A. Yaki

CHAPTER 1

What Is the Islāmic Perspective?

I am a Muslim. Thus, when I counsel, I do not divorce Islām from my methodology. This position makes me a better counselor because I follow the principles of Islām. Upholding principles such as mercy, justice, and goodness enhances my abilities as a counselor. One must understand what the Qur’an and the Sunnah are to fully appreciate this introductory book on marriage counseling. What is the science that helps us understand these two sources? What are the basic tenets of Islām? Although anyone may read this book, I wrote it while guided by and viewed through the lens of Islām’s main sources.

The Two Main Sources of Islām

Al-Qur’an

Ours is a nation of uncompromised monotheism, unified under the umbrella of Islām and guided through the microscope of the Qur’an and the Sunnah. In his farewell address to humanity, Muhammad, may peace be with him, stressed the importance of following the Qur’an and the Sunnah, which offer the only guidance that guarantees the ummah, the community, full protection and safety in both lives. Therefore, the ummah must achieve a proper understanding of these main sources as protection from the intellectual bankruptcy and agony that it faces today. We Muslims believe in the divine books, which include Torah, the Gospels, and the Qur’an. The Qur’an, however, bears the stamp of finality and perfection and serves as a witness over previous books. If you wish, read Surah Al-Maidah:

وَأَنزَلْنَا إِلَيْكَ الْكِتَابَ بِالْحَقِّ مُصَدِّقًا لِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيْهِ مِنَ الْكِتَابِ

وَمُهَيْمِنًا عَلَيْهِ ۖ فَاحْكُم بَيْنَهُم بِمَا أَنزَلَ اللَّهُ ۖ وَلَا تَتَّبِعْ أَهْوَاءَهُم

عَمَّا جَاءَكَ مِنَ الْحَقِّ ۚ لِكُلٍّ جَعَلْنَا مِنكُمْ شِرْعَةً وَمِنْهَاجًا ۚ وَلَوْ

شَاءَ اللَّهُ لَجَعَلَكُمْ أُمَّةً وَاحِدَةً وَلَٰكِن لِّيَبْلُوَكُمْ فِي مَا آتَاكُمْ ۖ فَاسْتَبِقُوا الْخَيْرَاتِ ۚ إِلَى اللَّهِ مَرْجِعُكُمْ جَمِيعًا فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ

تَخْتَلِفُونَ

And We have revealed to you, [O Muhammad], the Book in truth, confirming that which preceded it of the Scripture and as a criterion over it. So judge between them by what Allāh has revealed and do not follow their inclinations away from what has come to you of the truth. To each of you We prescribed a law and a method. Had Allāh willed, He would have made you one nation [united in religion], but [He intended] to test you in what He has given you; so race to [all that is] good. To Allāh is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ. (Qur’an 5:48)

What is the source of the Qur’an? The word Qur’an is derived from, qara-a, to read or to recite, and Qur’an means the reading or the recitation. In the terms of Islām, Qur’an means the Word of Allāh, revealed to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, in the richest form of the Arabic language and is considered the eternal miracle of Islām to humanity. The Qur’an contains 114 chapters and is not compiled in chronological order of revelation. Rather, it is organized in the way in which the Prophet ordered the scribes to arrange it. Some of its chapters are very long; others are quite short. For example, Surah Al-Baqarah (chapter 2) reigns as the longest chapter, with 286 verses, and Surah Al-Kauthar (chapter 108) is the shortest, with three verses. It is worth noting that the entire Book has been preserved in the hearts and minds of many Muslims, both past and present. The importance of memorizing it cannot be overemphasized; it is the ultimate goal of all devout Muslims.

Indeed, unlike other holy texts, the Qur’an is not only to be read ritualistically but also—most importantly—to be understood and implemented. The Qur’an addresses humanity in all walks of life, regardless of time and space. Our predecessors held the view that the best methodology of Qur’anic explanation entails understanding gained in four ways:

1. The Qur’an through the Qur’an

2. The Qur’an through the Sunnah

3. The Qur’an through the companions and their students

4. The Qur’an through classical Arabic language

As-Sunnah

Etymologically, Sunnah derives its meaning from the root sanna, meaning line of conduct, mode of life, behavior, example, precedence, and dispensation. In the life of Islām, multiple definitions of this word rest on different disciplines, but it is agreed that it is the guidance upon which the Prophet and his companions were on. The antonym of sanna is bid`a, or innovation. Therefore, Sunnah is the practical demonstration of the Qur’an by the Prophet in words and deeds. Hadīth is the vehicle by which Sunnah is transported to the community for consumption. Hadīth means recent, information, and new. In the Islāmic context, hadīth is the statement, action, approval, manner, and physical characteristics of the Prophet.

Hadīth comprises two elements:

1. Sanad, or chain of narration

2. Matn, or text

For a hadīth to be reliable and accepted, both its sanad and matn need to go through a process of scrutiny and authentication. Here is a list of some of the great imams of hadīth and their literature that the scholarship of Islām greatly celebrates:

1. Al-Jāmi’ As-Sahīh by Imam Muhammad bin Ismā’il Al-Bukhāri: Popularly known as Sahīh Al-Bukhāri, this work is celebrated as the most important of all the hadīth collections because it is completely authentic in both chain and text.

2. Al-Musnad As-Sahīh by Imam Muslim Bin Al-Hajjāj: Popularly known as Sahīh Muslim, this is a highly celebrated work in the world of hadīth collections, second only to Sahīh Al-Bukhāri.

3. Sunan Abi Dawūd by Imam Abi Dawūd Sulaiman bin Al-Ash’ath.

4. Sunan At-Tirmidhi by Imam Abu ‘īsa Muhammad bin ‘īsa At-Tirmidhi.

5. Sunan An-Nasāi by Imam Abu Abdur-Rahmān Ahmad bin Suh’aib An-Nasāi.

6. Sunan Ibnu-Mājah by Imam Ibnu-Mājah Muhammad bin Yazīd bin Mājah

7. Musnad Ahmad by Imam Ahmad bin Muhammad bin Hanbal.

8. Al-Muwatta by Imam Mālik bin Anas bin Mālik, the earliest substantial work in the field of hadīth collections.

9. Al-Umm by Imam Muhammad bin Idrīs Ash-Shāf’ie.

The last three scholars mentioned are among the greatest of scholars and are known collectively (with one other) as the Four Great Imams. The contributions in the field of hadīth collections of the three scholars mentioned above gave them legacies carved in stone by the Muslim community. The first of the four great imams, however, is the eminent scholar Imam Abu Hanifa An-Nu’man bin Thābit. His contributions to the field of fiqh (Islāmic jurisprudence) are beyond description.

The Order of Allāh to Obey the Prophet

When you review what was just mentioned, please acknowledge and reflect upon how dutiful and dedicated Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was in conveying Allāh’s message. Allāh, through His Qur’an, emphasized the necessity of obeying the Prophet, so much so that it is mentioned side by side with the obedience of Allāh:

قُلْ أَطِيعُوا اللَّهَ وَالرَّسُولَ ۖ فَإِن تَوَلَّوْا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ

الْكَافِرِينَ

Say, obey God and the Messenger but if they turn away God loves not the disbelievers (Qur’an 3:32).

وَأَطِيعُوا اللَّهَ وَالرَّسُولَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُرْحَمُونَ

And obey God and the Prophet so that you may be given mercy (Qur’an 3:132).

وَأَطِيعُوا اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ وَلَا تَنَازَعُوا فَتَفْشَلُوا وَتَذْهَبَ رِيحُكُم ۖ ْوَاصْبِرُوا ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ

"Obey God and His Messenger, and do not quarrel