Tales of the Panhandles

By Raymond Schweitzer

This is a humorous collection of short stories that is not intended as a reflection on any particular geographic area. Please dont jump into conclusions attempting to guess which of the panhandles are obvious to your understanding of basic geography, such as Florida, Oklahoma, and Texas. Because there are more, many more panhandles! There is Maryland with a long onemaybe even three! Pennsylvania has a small one, along with Mississippi and Alabama. Louisiana has a fat one, while Delaware is practically all panhandle, and West Virginia has a couple of odd-looking ones. Missouri has a small bootheel, as well as New Mexico, with one sticking into Mexico. And theres Minnesotas knot sticking into Canada. Idahos panhandle is as long as or longer than Oklahomas. Each represents a geographic isolated blip, knot, or notch separating different religions, cultures, languages, customs, or way of life from the remainder of each of the particular states. They, too, have a certain indigenous population found nowhere else.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543466492

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 by Raymond Schweitzer.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2017917604

ISBN:      Hardcover          978-1-5434-6648-5

                Softcover            978-1-5434-6650-8

                eBook                 978-1-5434-6649-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 11/22/2017

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

766645

CONTENTS

Preface

Foreword

Chapter 1 Goin’ Fishin’

Chapter 2 Christmas in the Country

Chapter 3 The Road with Jack

Chapter 4 Harold

Chapter 5 Give till it hurts!

Chapter 6 Legendary — Final Words

Chapter 7 Oops!

Chapter 8 Goin’ Huntin’

Chapter 9 So Long Boyd!

Chapter 10 Just Words

Preface

WARNING!

Do not read this book if you are easily offended by WORDS, or critical criticism of governmental treachery, self-righteous centrism, spiritual absurdity, snobbery of certain classes, cynical jokes of surroundings and nearly constantly utilizing simple swearwords as adjectives. The words of the characters portrayed in these stories are genuine utterances and in some instances the conversations of people who actually live there and might be construed as ‘dirty’, ‘nasty’, ‘abrasive’, ‘crude’, or ‘bad’. The language, dialects, and conversations of the everyday ordinary person is filled with various adjectives developed over the years by enveloping fabricated words depicting bodily functions, parts, and certain relationships which by some Puritan standards are construe as ‘cuss’ words or as tame as ‘slang’ ... For example I discovered in the South, you could virtually describe or call a person whatever if you merely enclosed this phrase in your statement: ‘Bless his/her little heart/Soul’. Such as: She/he sure is ugly, bless her/his little heart/soul, she dresses like a whore, bless her little heart/soul, he’s such a horse’s ass, bless his little heart/soul or good grief you sure stink, bless your little heart/soul. ... While further Midwest it seems they simply placed the word ‘ol’ in front of the descriptive adjectives such as: You ol’Sunuvabitch, how the hell are you? ‘Hey there you ol’Bastard/ol’turd’, ‘everyone loves that ol’Bitch’, and don’t forget the ever-favorite greeting: ‘Hey you ol’Shit-head –– Whazzup?’

This book, in total, is certainly not as graphic as James Joyce’s Ulysses nor as tame as Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer. Although it is, and don’t forget, fiction ... lying somewhere in between universal truths, actuality, and sheer entertainment. See Chapter 10 for my opinions of words.

Foreword

This is a humorous collection of short stories which is not intended as a reflection on any particular geographic area. ... Please DON’T JUMP CONCLUSIIONS attempting to guess which of the panhandles are obvious to your understanding of basic geography such as Florida, Oklahoma, and Texas. Because there are more –– many more ‘panhandles’! There is Maryland with a long one ... maybe even three! Pennsylvania with a small one along with Mississippi and Alabama. Louisiana has a fat one while Delaware is practically all panhandle and West Virginia has a couple odd looking ones. Missouri has a small ‘boot-heel’ as well as New Mexico with one sticking into Mexico and there’s Minnesota’s ‘knot’ sticking into Canada. Idaho’s panhandle is as long as or longer than Oklahoma’s. Each represents a geographic isolated blip, knot, or notch separating different religions, cultures, languages, customs, or way of life from the remainder of each of the particular states. They too have a certain indigenous population found nowhere else.

Our society has over years titled or classified various groups of individuals into many sets such as ‘White’, ‘Black’, and ‘Brown’, (some even ‘Yellow’) others more sophisticated into upper-class, middle-class, lower-class (even divide classes like ‘upper-middle-class’ or "lower-middle-class ect…) They even break the above categories into modules designations such as "aristocratic", Urban, "white-trash", "farmers", "inbreeds", "Blue-collar" ... the Denizens in my stories are considered, among others as: Rednecks, Cowboys, Hillbillies, ‘Hicks’, ‘Bumpkins’, ‘Local Yokels’, ‘Bubbas’, ‘Crackers’, ‘Trailer Trash’, ‘Martial extremists’, ‘Loners, and Appalachians. But above all they are all ‘Individualist’ self-sufficient with a wanderlust. They have been accused of all sorts of debacles such as idleness, stupidity, defiance of law, or marrying their sisters, cousins, or mothers. They continue to exist in their own world.

They all seem to have literally been forgotten both by the media and time. They have been described as barbarous, dissolute, primitive, but they can best be described as people who live by core culture beliefs that value love of home, family, country, and especially GOD. They are fiercely independent, hard fighting freedom loving, faithful GOD fearing people. Characteristics we hold dear as a nation. The bigotry of others outside these areas stereotypically portray these people as mean, stupid, disadvantaged, poor, and uneducated. It is true they do have a dispropionate share of such conditions in their environment because of being forgotten by society. They are ridiculed because they do not meet the standards of American diversification; although they are the nucleus of many of our roots. This is probably the most ridiculed minority in America that everyone disrespects without any consequences of being political incorrect.

My fabrication’s chronicle escapades of ordinary life experiences highs and lows, aspirations, phobias, foibles, and frailties, mirroring the nature of their expressive lives, church and civic activities, jokes, dreams, ceremonies, and especially their ‘free’ recreational time. I am not making fun of anyone, but poking fun at everyone. These stories describe a few humorous circumstances and conversations that might have taken place somewhere anytime. These humorous sagas are not written in the classic short story technique, I’m not writing to win any awards ... there is not necessarily any beginning, middle or end, but they are all hilarious –– simply a day, a week, an incident or just a ‘slice’ of their ordinary life in a Panhandle.

These regions as a group are easily slandered at will by the press, politicians. Presidential candidates, comedians, TV shows and authors without consequences because they are, above all else, good natured and extremely generous people. They trusted me because they knew where I had been, what I had accomplished and knowledge of what I was talking about. They haven’t yet organized, demanding legislation giving them any social services, recognition, and respect. But please believe me when I say anytime I’m in trouble –– real trouble I’d prefer they take my back! –– It would only take half dozen or so with shotguns, tire irons, baseball bats, monkey wrenches, tire chains, and a pocket knife or two to whip a good size army! ... No kidding!!!

RDS

Lexicon

REDNECK WORDS & IDIOMS

(The term Redneck here is used universally as a sobriquet for a person who isn’t consider either polished or highly educated but very loyal

(In no particular order)

Appalachian: The’lach’ in Appalachian is pronounced ‘latch’ –– not ‘lay shun’

Sammiches: = Sandwiches

hal-far: = how far?

hell-fure: = Hellfire

fagetdaboutit: = Forget about it.

Conniption fit: = Any kind of human irregular reactions such as the well known ‘hissy fit’.

Yonder: = any direction one points.

Back directly: = be back in a second or minute

gimme: = Give me

rightcher: = Right here or right near

rightfur: = A distance far away

Good ol’boy: = Normally talking of some well-liked local person

po’white trash:= Normally speaking of some people who do not meet the local normal morals

Ah’m fixin’= to do jus that y’all: Has the intention to do what was asked

Yup / Yeh /: = Yes

C’mon: = Come on!

Wenders and Cullens: = speaking of Widows and Childrens

Cashola: = pocket money

sum’pin: = something

sez: = Say’s

di’ja = did you? And/or = Also did’cha?

Ah Contraire: = sounds French for the opposite opinion

Dang nigh: = near / close

Furst: = First

wif: = with

Beeyuuteefull: = something really pretty

Goodies: = normally candy or something really wanted like jewels, toys, etc….

Git: = Get

How’s-zat? = Usually a question –– how’s that?

Oner-role: = Honor roll

Did’ja: Usually a question –– did you?

Brown Mule = Chewing Tobacco: favorite pastime

Ah’druther: = I’d rather

Dawg: dog

Gee Williikers = the same as Gee-whizz:

Ought’a: = Ought to

As shaky as Elvis’s hips= someone shivering cold or with a palsy and/or nervous

Sumpin’ bodderin’ my doze: = something bothering my nose.

Yawallta fix thet thar porch. = You all ought to fix that there porch

Skedaddle: = I should get out of here or You get out of here.

L’arn = learn

JUST WORDS

It’s not what you say –– it’s in the mind of the listener!

(Many have ‘closed-dirty’ minds while others have ‘open-intelligent’ minds)

It’s not what you say, it’s the way it’s interpreted! There have been innumerable stories, articles, and perhaps hypothesis’s written on this particular phenomenon, but I have not read one that has been published lately. I thought it might be time to review some modern ordinary plain old basic everyday words and phrases –– and then examine their implication and insinuation or connotation by certain individuals fashioning them unacceptable.

Everyone has heard the old adage that words and phrases that are acceptable in certain age-groups, regions, areas, countries, ethnic groups, cultures, states, social groups, or in certain publications such as the one you are reading may be completely obscene in other such settings. (Or, as I am reminded by today’s literature –– ‘not politically correct!’) I’m quite sure most will be able, after reading this, to think of a dozen or so words or phrases I missed in such a short chapter. It was not intended to be an all-inclusive dictionary. Since we do live in a Democracy; at least, that’s what the ‘pro-lifers/pro-choicer’ say, even though their actions sometimes speak somewhat differently. We have no one group or class that sets the tone for all the others, as in a more stratified culture. The results are a linguistic chaos where propriety is currently concerned.

Quite a few years ago, for example, your author had the occasion to employ a typical California Girl born, bred, & educated on the sunny western shores. She was an attractive, well-educated young girl of impeccable social status from one of our new rich suburb of Los Angeles. She attended one of the most exclusive girls’ schools on the West Coast, and while attending, picked up a four-lettered word which she uttered quite naturally in moments of utter stress.

After meeting this girl, your author’s wife, extremely impressed, with her undoubted breeding and ladylike qualities heard her utter her favored word as an adjective and immediately told me: "That’s a word only a Whore uses!" My wife, a member of a much older generation, having lived most of her life in the Deep Bible Belt South was completely traumatized.

The girl, in question, very definitely was no Whore –– which brings us to the use of that fine old word for prostitution itself. Until about a century ago, it was a perfectly reputable word, for a less sanctimonious society did not consider prostitution necessarily an ignoble profession. (Everyone is aware, of course, of its existence in the Bible!)

But the smug octopus of Victorianism swept over the English speaking world, and ‘Whore’, much like the word ‘Bitch’, formerly the description of a female dog (See some more modern meanings listed below) became a word utterly unacceptable in so-called polite society. As for ‘Bitch’, the ridiculous lengths to which our self-righteous ancestors carried its disuse is finely revealed in the Civil War memoirs of General Tecumseh Sherman –– During a harsh battle in the course of his Atlanta Campaign, Sherman was infuriatingly distracted from directing the battle because of a petty quarrel which broke out between two of his Brigade Commanders. In the heat of the conflict, one of them insisted upon an apology from the other, allegedly for labeling him "a condemned son of a female dog!" –– A true story! –– I’m not kidding!

Now the term ‘Bitch’ can also include an occurrence that was not entirely fun, a bad circumstance, no picnic, or just pure hell. It has also been used to describe someone who continually gripes or a person who is always unhappy with his/her life. (Ain’t life a Bitch?)

"Condemned son of a female dog! Shades of Harry S. Truman and his abbreviated "SOB" letter that raised such a rumpus. For that matter, shades of Napoleon’s stout old general of the Guard Camborne, and his famous ‘merde’ when asked to surrender – ‘merde’ being French for a four-lettered bathroom function. Remember the World War II battle of Bastogne during the Battle of the bulge. When Brigadier General Mac Alster was informed he was to surround and asked by the Germans if he wanted to surrender, his reply was one word: Nuts!"

As a matter of fact, "nuts" was considered a censorable word right up until the 1930’s. To the prudent, its meaning was entirely too masculine, although the word had long since lost this meaning in the then-popular expression, It’s the nuts –– meaning something exceedingly ‘cool’. ‘Nuts’ now cover a myriad of meanings such as batty, buggy, crazy, cuckoo, ding-a-ling, dingbat, squirrely, fruity, loony, nutcase, screwball, sicko, psycho, space cadet, wacko, weirdo, lunatic, and last it sometimes is referred to as a part of the male anatomy.

Exactly two elements