Why Go All the Way to Fulton, Louisiana?: And Other Short Plays

By David Holcombe

WHY GO ALL THE WAY TO FULTON, LOUISIANA?
is a collection of short plays by Dr. David J. Holcombe, MD. Most are ten-minute plays, but several are considerably longer and more complex. The subjects range from medical (Ebolamania and Sex Ed and the Superintendent) to political (Removing the Equestrian Statue and Painting the Ghetto.) The plays all have limited cast and set requirements, thus making them ideal for ten-minute or one-act play presentations by professionals or students. One of these plays has made its stage debut in Alexandria, Louisiana by Spectral Sisters Productions (Teds Head), but the others await their world premieres by those with a bit of courage and considerable vision. While written plays have limited public appeal, these works truly come alive on the stage. Share in the fun and the drama with these undiscovered gems from a most unlikely source, someone sometimes referred to locally as the Chekhov on the Bayou.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 16, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524617769

David Holcombe

About the Author Dr. David Holcombe works and writes in Alexandria, Louisiana, where he lives with his beloved wife, Nicole. Growing up in California in the bucolic ’50s, followed by the turbulent ’60s and ’70s, he witnessed firsthand the social transformations of his native state. Taking writing classes at the University of California at Davis with Diane Johnson-Murray, he developed an appreciation for creative writing. That passion remained dormant for decades while he studied medicine in French at the Catholic University of Louvain in Brussels, Belgium. There, he met his future wife, Nicole Catherine, one of his folk dance students. Settling in Alexandria, Louisiana, in 1986 after a stint in Baltimore, he worked for twenty years in a private internal-medicine practice, where his passion for writing blossomed once again. Despite the rigors of a full-time practice, he managed to produce a series of works, including short stories (Like Honored and Trusted Colleagues and Cappuccino at Podgorica) and short plays (Beauty and the Botox, Old South, New South, No South, Chateau in Hessmer, and now, Why Go All the Way to Fulton, Louisiana?). While none of his works have been critical or commercial successes, this Chekhov on the Bayou continues to produce compelling and original works completely out of the literary mainstream. That being said, he has had over a dozen plays produced locally by Spectral Sisters Productions, a developmental theater organization in Central Louisiana. He has also kept the Central Louisiana Writers Guild alive and has had his nonfiction medical articles appear monthly in regional publications. A collection of these nonfiction medical topics was published in 2014 (Mendel’s Garden: A Collection of Medical Topics). He and his wife raised four sons, all grown up now, and have hosted hundreds of visitors from far and near in their art-filled home in Alexandria, Louisiana. They have created and maintained the quintessential “house by the side of the road” in this unlikely location where they support the creative arts as best they can with the help of like-minded locals.

Book preview

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

Cover photo, House Plant, courtesy of Leslie Elliott Smith (http://www.elliottsmith.us)

© 2016 David Holcombe. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/19/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-1777-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-1776-9 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

TABLE OF CONTENT

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND DISCLAIMER

A THOUSAND FRIENDS

BIG CHARITY

BOIS SEC

BUILDING THE FENCE

A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER

THE COLFAX MASSACRE

EBOLAMANIA

FILL OF JUSTICE

FRITZ AND CECIL

HOSTING A HIGH TEA

HUMILIATING FARCE

OH, BABY!

ONLY OUR DNA (AD HOMINEM)

PAINTING THE GHETTO

PUTTING ON THE PASSION PLAY

REMOVING THE EQUESTRIAN STATUE

SANE OR INSANE?

SEX ED AND THE SUPERINTENDENT

TED’S HEAD

THE COMMISSAR AND THE ROSE GARDEN

(CHINESE VERSION)

THE COMMISSAR AND THE ROSE GARDEN

(RUSSIAN VERSION)

TRAMP STEAMER’S LAST PORT

BUYING A PERSIAN CARPET

WHY GO ALL THE WAY TO FULTON, LOUISIANA?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Acknowledgement and Disclaimer

Why Go All the Way to Fulton, Louisiana? contains twenty-four original plays by Dr. David Holcombe which cover an amazing range of subject matters, from selling body parts to removing politically incorrect statuary. Many of the plays have been ripped from the headlines. While our day-to-day world offers endless inspiration, any resemblance to the living or dead is strictly fortuitous.

Many of these plays, including Hosting a High Tea, Ebolamania, Sane or Insane, Painting the Ghetto, and Sex Ed and the Superintendent deal with public health issues, an obvious professional deformation. Having lived and worked in the world of medicine and public health, such themes come naturally, although transforming them to the stage often poses unusual artistic challenges.

Other plays are more political in nature, including Building a Fence, Big Charity, Removing the Equestrian Statue, and Putting on a Passion Play. Although these works and others are based on current events, it is hoped that they contain enough universal themes to make them both stage-worthy and enduring. Ovid stated in his epilogue to Metamorphoses, As long as poetry speaks truth on earth, that immortality is mine to wear. Let’s hope there is some poetry, truth and longevity in these lines as well.

Since the themes cover many controversial subjects, the language and characters, as well as their actions, may offend those with conservative sensibilities. Such has already occurred in previous productions of certain of my plays in Central Louisiana. As Puck states in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night Dream, however, If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended—That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.

A Thousand Friends

CAST OF CHARACTERS

ANGELA: Young woman casually dressed. Slightly immature manner.

MAX: Young man casually dressed. Also not particularly mature. More uneducated speech pattern.

SETTING

There is a bare stage with a couple of chairs. There are no other set items. The location is ambiguous at best, but stark and cold.

ANGELA: Yeah, I had a thousand Facebook friends.

MAX: A thousand friends?

ANGELA: Yes, from all over the world.

MAX: (Skeptical.) In China?

ANGELA: Yep!

MAX: Russia?

ANGELA: Yep!

MAX: Tibet?

ANGELA: Well, no. That was really hard because of some political nonsense with the Chinese government.

MAX: Too bad.

ANGELA: What’s your name?

MAX: Max. And yours?

ANGELA: Angela. (Pauses.) Were you one of my friends?

MAX: (Looks closely at ANGELA.) Maybe. What was your Facebook name?

ANGELA: AngelwithanA.

MAX: Yeah! I remember. You like toffee and the Beatles and folk dancing and those little furry dogs with funny faces.

ANGELA: Pugs.

MAX: Yeah, I remember. You put your dog in a bunch of weird outfits and got a lotta hits for it. You and your dog are really popular.

ANGELA: I WAS really popular.

MAX: Was?

ANGELA: I killed myself.

MAX: (Looks concerned.) That’s too bad. A real bummer! (Pauses.) Why’d you do it?

ANGELA: I was very depressed. Didn’t you read my posts?

MAX: Yeah, sure. But I don’t remember that part. (Pauses.) Anyway, I skip over the sad parts in people’s posts. They creep me out.

ANGELA: You and everyone else, apparently! (Grabs MAX.) Why the hell didn’t you answer me? I was crying out for help. I said I was so depressed I was going to kill myself.

MAX: I musta tuned you out. I can’t take that kinda darkness.

ANGELA: Neither could I, you asshole!

MAX: Hey! That’s harsh.

ANGELA: And killing myself isn’t?

MAX: Sure, but nothin’s real on Facebook. Things on Facebook are just somethin’ on a screen to make you laugh and connect with people.

ANGELA: Connect?

MAX: Well, in a superficial kinda way.

ANGELA: (Starts to cry.) I spent hours reaching out to whoever would listen. I reached out to you!

MAX: Yeah, me and a thousand plus other so-called friends. No one believes that shit. It isn’t real, I tell you.

ANGELA: I believed it. I really did. People said they loved me and admired me and my puppy.

MAX: Did you kill your dog, too?

ANGELA: (Sheepishly.) Yes, I did.

MAX: How?

ANGELA: I gave him an overdose of sleeping pills, just like me, nothing violent or creepy. I mixed it with his dog food. We just both went to sleep. I even put it all on Facebook from a webcam.

MAX: No!

ANGELA: Yes! It was streaming live and I said that I was taking an overdose of sleeping pills and that the whole world could watch me do it. (Pauses.) And I told the world that if someone called 911 and sent them to my house, they would show that they really cared about me. They would save my life.

MAX: I musta missed that part, too. I was followin’ so many people. I got over 800 friends, not as many as you, but pretty good for a non-celebrity.

ANGELA: I knew people were watching. I even got a buncha likes, too. Can you imagine? I’m killing myself and my dog and I got a buncha likes.

MAX: How many?

ANGELA: Does it matter?

MAX: Well, no, but it’s interestin’ just the same.

ANGELA: (Pauses.) About a hundred. (Pauses.) I gotta a few dislikes, too. And the dog lovers unfriended me on the spot. (Pauses.) But no one called 911.

MAX: Not even for your dog?

ANGELA: No. (Pauses.) You were watching, too. I know.

MAX: No! I would never do that.

ANGELA: Yes you could. And you did. I can tell who was watching me. Not only did you watch me commit suicide, but you unfriended me, too. I can tell that sort of thing, you bastard.

MAX: You’re mistaken.

ANGELA: (Pauses.) MaxtheMonsterMash? That’s you, isn’t it?

MAX: Yeah, but it musta been some sorta mistake.

ANGELA: Why’d you do it? Why’d you watch and unfriend me, too. As if to say goodbye and good riddance, bitch!

MAX: No! No! That’s not it at all. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. And your dog that died before you, just lyin’ in your lap, a poor little innocent dead dog. I thought that was sick.

ANGELA: It was sick! I was sick. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was calling out to you and everyone else for help, you callous moron!

MAX: I’m not a moron.

ANGELA: No, then why are you here, too? (Makes a wide gesture.)

MAX: (Sheepishly.) I overdosed, sorta like you.

ANGELA: (Laughs.) I guess this is the overdose wing. (Looks around.) Was your overdose intentional or accidental?

MAX: (Embarrassed.) I miscalculated.

ANGELA: (Laughs.) I didn’t. So you are a moron!

MAX: It was Oxycontin, prescribed for my fibromyalgia.

ANGELA: (Laughs again.) That’s real good. Prescription medications for a non-existent disease and you kill yourself by accident with your treatment. You are something special.

MAX: Well at least I didn’t live stream it on Facebook. At least I didn’t advertise it to the whole world like a fuckin’ exhibitionist. (Pauses.) And I didn’t kill my cat, either. He’s still alive and well as far as I know.

(There is a long, awkward pause. MAX and ANGELA look around at the gloomy emptiness.)

ANGELA: (Softens.) Okay. (Pauses.) Let’s start over.

MAX: Fine with me.

ANGELA: (Pauses.) Do you want to dance with me?

MAX: I can’t dance. I don’t know how.

ANGELA: Everyone can dance. I used to adore folk dancing and I did it a lot back in the day. And then our dance group got old and stopped. I used to be a very good dancer.

MAX: (Thinks a while.) Okay, teach me.

ANGELA: (Takes MAX in modern dance position.) Here, you hold me with your right hand around my waist and your left one on my shoulder. Then we go like this. One-two-three, two-two-three, three-two-three.

(Music begins and the two of them dance for a while in the gloom to Lara’s Theme or Somewhere my love by Maurice Jarre from the film Dr. Zhivago.)

ANGELA: (Sings.) Somewhere my love, there will be songs to sing… .

MAX: (Sings.) Although the snow, covers the hope of spring… .

(A single spot shines on the couple. The music fades and they stop dancing.)

MAX: That was nice, real nice.

ANGELA: Thanks.

MAX: Can we be friends now? Real friends?

ANGELA: A little late for that, isn’t it?

MAX: No, not at all. We’re face-to-face now. This isn’t some sort of alternative reality like Facebook, just some sorta of weird place. (Gestures around.) We can talk to each other about our childhoods and about growin’ up. We can share our hopes and dreams and our successes and failures.

ANGELA: (Hesitates.) I don’t know.

MAX: We can set aside a few minutes to be alone and then we come back together, full of new stories to tell. And over time I will like you, really like you, and then I will love you and care about you. And you can do the same with me.

ANGELA: (Hesitates.) I’ve been pretty traumatized. I’m not sure I’m ready for this so soon. (Thinks about it.) Can we at least start really slow?

MAX: Of course! (Looks around.) I think we might have all the time in the world.

ANGELA: Can I talk about my dog and what he does? (Pauses.) What he did. And how he licked me on the face and the lips?

MAX: Ugh.

ANGELA: No! Dogs are very clean. But don’t try it with your cat. They carry pasteurella multicida in their mouths.

MAX: What’s that?

ANGELA: A cat germ. Lions and cats have the same germ in their mouths. It’s a feline thing.

MAX: (Makes a face.) Don’t worry. I won’t kiss my cat. How do you even know about that, I mean about that cat germ?

ANGELA: I was a lab tech. (Excited.) Anyway, you can tell me about your cat’s favorite toy and who he liked and who he didn’t like. Cats are very temperamental, as you know.

MAX: And can we dance again, too?

ANGELA: Sure! I can teach you all of wonderful dances from all over the world.

MAX: (Excitedly.) And we can talk about that, too, and what progress I’m making and how you couldn’t imagine a better student. And I couldn’t imagine a better teacher. (Pauses.) And we’ll fall in love, really in love, so that we will never be apart again.

ANGELA: Or want to be apart.

MAX: Tell death do us part.

ANGELA: (Looks around.) Yes, death. Always death. (Pauses.) But the second time around we will live together until we are old and worn out and just want to die in one another’s arms, like those people in Greek stories.

MAX: Come, grow old with me. The best is yet to be… .

ANGELA: The last of life for which the first was made… .

MAX and ANGELA: Is now at hand.

(MAX and ANGELA take hands and exit. Lara’s Theme plays again and fades away as the lights dim to dark.)

THE END

Big Charity

CAST OF CHARACTERS

HUEY: Governor of a Southern state. Politician with a vision. Speaks with a pronounced Southern rural accent and may be overweight. Dressed in a 30’s style white linen suit and a straw hat with a band, typical of the Deep South.

EDDIE LE BLANC: Assistant to Huey. Speaks with a pronounced Southern accent with Cajun intonations. He is dressed simply, perhaps in some sort of uniform.

DR. CARL WEISS: Speaks with no accent. His grammar and pronunciation are both correct. He is impeccably dressed in a suit and tie from the 30’s.

BOBBIE: Governor of a Southern state. The character needs to be slender, well dressed. His speaks correctly, almost as if English is his second language.

TONY: Works with Governor in Scene II. May be the same actor as Eddie Leblanc, but he speaks without a Southern accent. He is well dressed.

DR. FRED CERISE: Well-dressed and well-spoken younger man. He has no regional accent.

SETTING

All scenes have minimal, if any set items. There should be an American flags that denote an official event or location in the first two scenes. If it is not clear about the date, there may be a sign marked 1930 for Scene I and 2012 for Scene II. Scene III should be totally empty, with no suggestion of time or place.

PROLOGUE

(BOBBIE and HUEY dance a two-step to Jimmy Davis’s You Are My Sunshine on an empty stage. They twirl around a few times and the music fades. They stop dancing and separate. Both appear relaxed and friendly.)

HUEY: Bobbie, you’ve gotten very good at dancin’. My compliments.

BOBBIE: Thanks, Governor. I owe it all to your expert teaching.

HUEY: For heaven’s sake, you can call me Huey. You’ve been down here for months and we’re likely to be here for many years to come. A little informality would be appropriate.

BOBBIE: (Sighs.) You may be here for many years to come, but I can feel in my bones that my time is coming. Free at last, free at last, free at last.

HUEY: (Laughs.) Yeah! Like when you felt in your bones that you were gonna to be president.

BOBBIE: (Shakes his finger at HUEY.) Don’t you be mean! You didn’t make to president either.

HUEY: (More subdued.) Because someone killed me! (Pauses.) You just committed political suicide. Maybe that’s why you’re still down here.

BOBBIE: Enough! If you want to continue having me as a dancing partner, you had better be nice.

HUEY: (Contrite.) Sorry. (Puts his hand on BOBBIE’s shoulder.) Sometimes I can be downright thoughtless.

BOBBIE: Me, too. (Pauses.) Kiss and make up?

HUEY: (Looks around.) Sure, why not.

(BOBBIE and HUEY give each other a prolonged mouth-to-mouth kiss. Lights dim to almost dark. BOBBIE exits while EDDIE enters with a model of the new BIG Charity.)

SCENE I – LE DEBUT (THE BEGINNING) (1932)

HUEY: (Waves his hands in the air and looks around.) Can you see it, Eddie?

EDDIE: (Looks around.) No, boss. I can’t see nothin’.

HUEY: That’s cuz you ain’t no visionary like me.

EDDIE: What’s a visionary?

HUEY: Someone who can see the future before it happens just be usin’ their imagination.

EDDIE: No, I guess, I ain’t no visionary. I’m just a downed to earth country boy with a sixth grade education, hardly any book learnin’ at all.

HUEY: That’s the problem. (Slaps EDDIE on the back.) You never got the benefits of a decent education and I’m gonna change all that.

EDDIE: Boss, we done heard all it all before. Every politician promises us books and roads and doctorin’ and then they pockets the money and hightails it out of the country before they can git caught.

HUEY: I’m different.

EDDIE: (Looks skeptical.) Really?

HUEY: I really am different. I come from the backcountry, too, from them piney woods up North. I know poverty and even hunger. But I got myself through law school and got enough book learning to be elected governor. (Pauses.) It wasn’t easy, no sireebob! I done struggled for every scrap of information and every vote I ever got. (Pauses.) But once the power and money started to cumulate, then it jus’ snowballed. More power, more votes, more money. (Pauses.) It’s been a wild ride to the top and now you all, the people, are gonna benefit from my rise to the top. (Swings his arms around.) We gonna build the biggest, the best hospital, with the best damn medical school, and fill it with the best doctors in the entire South. I’m gonna fill it with the best professors that money can buy from all of them fancy Eastern schools. It’s gonna have the best, shiniest equipment in the country, also the best that money can buy.

EDDIE: Whose money? Not the taxpayers, I hope.

HUEY: No, course not, Standard Oil’s money, and lots of it. Those fat cats have been rapin’ this state and stealin’ us blind. If I could I’d nationalize them sons-of-bitches if I could get away with it, but that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. Gotta respect free enterprise and all that. After all, I’m not president … yet.

EDDIE: Them oil companies; they’d just git up and leave and never come back if you taxes ‘em like that.

HUEY: (Laughs.) No, they won’t. They ain’t goin’ nowhere and neither is that oil. They’d squeak and squawk and whine all the way up to Washington D.C. and Wall Street. But in the end, it won’t make a bit of damn difference. They gotta come back and take that oil where they can find it and pay a hell of lot more money to the state to take it out.

EDDIE: Do you really think it’s possible?

HUEY: Possible? It’s gonna happen just like this hospital is gonna happen. (Pauses.) Big Charity Hospital down here will be the first of many. We can’t neglect them