Satire of the Sadly and Seriously Suggested Strychnine Spiked Stylisation

By Evan Scarlett

Well, some may call it satire, but like with most things in life, poor Mr. Scarlett seems to make it almost a poisonous and bitter observation of the human condition. Sick people may think that he is funny, but unfortunately, there are many out there who, if were given a single brain cell, would be terribly lonely and will not be laughing at all.

Most people do not take enough care and attention to the things that happen around themthe wool that gets pulled over their lives with the propaganda and brain washing machine that they live inso they get tumbled around in the machine of life's events and are too lazy to look for the end-of-cycle button.

So please forgive this poor prick, but he feels the people of the world need a kick up the arse and he mistakenly thought that with his disgusting words he may achieve this.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Feb 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503502307

Evan Scarlett

The author is a knockabout bloke. Some might say that he gets knocked about a bit. Some may say that he knocks about a bit. He was born in Melbourne, Australia, and currently lives there until his health improves and he can return to Kangaroo Island and, of course, Vietnam, where he belongs. He was told by his English teacher the day before his year-twelve exam that he had absolutely no chance in hell of passing the test as he was almost illiterate. He is a painter, musician, and chef as well as a lousy writer.

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 by Evan Scarlett.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-5035-0229-1

                eBook           978-1-5035-0230-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 02/03/2015

Xlibris

1-800-455-039

www.Xlibris.com.au

698576

CONTENTS

1984

Aerodynamics

After Casa More of the curly dish pig tales

Chapter Eleven The little mouse that was stranded in the kitchen

Chapter Twelve The little mouse that ran away

Chapter Thirteen The little mouse that decided it would be easier to make his own cheese

Chapter Fourteen The life and demise in the hills

Chapter Fifteen Heading to the tropics

Alicia meets the lonely lucky loser gold prospector

The very very end and beyond the grave

Being locked up

Bullshit bullshit bullshit

Can’t even remember the bitches name

Cardassian puppet

Christine

Cockatoos and black and white birds

Cohabitational bill sharing for lovers made easy

Communication

Congratulations to the female minded marketing geniuses at the Yellowglen winery

Courting a girl

Domestic violence

Eddie purukamu

Emergency ward

Forgetfulness

Good fucks bad fucks and ugly fucks

He was a man in black part one

Heritage

His Holiness, Pope Francis Apostolic Palace 00120 Vatican City

I only started living when I was dying

The story of Kryia the wouldn’t be cook

Meeting the Cia agent

Ms friendship

My beautiful Son.

My family of origin

My Love affair with Tony Grabbit

My two grandmothers

Nasty Chinese witch

Of mice and women

On the beach The real story that goes well beyond the original movie

On the bus

Pain

Painting for the complete imbecile

Parenting basic mistakes

Pasteurisation

Phlebotomists

Pooh Vote 1 Winnie the Pooh for God

Proposal for a long-term relationship Between MCD and Stephen Scala

Sand castles in the sky to live in

Sheep

So tell me then teacher why do the rich get richer and the poor get poorer

Stephen’s big night out

Hooker’s volume two

St ripe Tea sing

Telephone operators

The accident

The Alexander project

The Birdmen

The elements of true love

The fabrication of imagination

The four seasons

The fringe dwellers and other lost and displaced people.

The gambler

The roasted leg of lamb and pineapple

The many adventures Of tiny Miss little legs

The nightmare of the dying days of the old Italian man.

The nitro bullet

The question machine The study of the true sense

Response to the sexy head of the secret intelligence agency

The real and true Sanity Clause

The rooster’s crow of Stanley the manly

The sacred texts

The serpent and the dinosaur bird

The very small penis club

Thinking about nothing

Travesty of justice

Up in the hills

Violent bastards

Way back to the beginning of the end and the start of the new revolution

Well not another love

What turns women on

Evan Scarlett is a figment of our own imaginations, we collectively have dreamt up this man and are silly enough to read and listen to his bullshit.

This book is dedicated to

Aaron Swartz

When we live in a world where we may think that there are no longer heroes who are born and live amongst us we have to look at this man’s life and realise that they are here.

Also

Gia Scala

Mrs. Ruiner

Marilyn Monroe

And all those women who when one morning God made and then had to take the day off work to admire his art.

Well this is the sixth volume

of short stories

some of which he is too embarrassed to admit to ever writing in the first place

also by

Evan scarlett

do farmers dream of nervous sheep

beguiling guys

of a life only ordinary to the rest of the world

one dollar one rissole

hitting the mekong

1984

I REMEMBER WHEN I first read 1984 and I was smart enough to realise that what George Orwell was talking about was going to happen. When the year came I breathed a sigh of relief maybe purely as a joke; thinking that this would not happen until probably after I was already dead and it would not impact my life because it was still a long way off before the world and the society that we live in could not get that evil for a long time.

This year my computer crashed and I contacted the company who made the computer and watched in amazement as the guy in America used my computer and manipulated it and files in it as if it was he sitting at the keyboard.

Of course legally they have to ask permission to do this but looking at the admissions for what the CIA has done with torture of sometimes totally innocent people since 9/11 has suddenly made me wake up and realise that these people have the power to see into your life and if you have a webcam on your computer for Skype then they can actually watch everything that you do and with a mobile phone they can actually tell exactly where you are unless you are out of mobile telephone range. Maybe even then they have satellite opportunities to reach you no matter where you are on the planet. Even a GPS watch makes you capable of being watched.

It always puzzled me why the American war machine just didn’t take out Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein when I am sure that they had the technology to do so. Instead they went and invaded the country under the premise that they needed to seize weapons of mass destruction and then oops they couldn’t find them and couldn’t find him and then pretended to not be able to find Bin Laden for many years.

When the navy seal who killed Bin laden wrote a book the American government threatened him with being a traitor.

Google and many other companies have admitted to passing on information for a price that they manage to collect by you using your computer to do business or even play games.

Basically 1984 is here and now and we are all being watched if the relevant authorities so desire. You would have to be a complete fool if you think that even by changing passwords regularly stops some of these people from accessing anything on your computer and soon if not already your TV can be recording any footage they wish to in any room where you have a TV.

This is not paranoia this is reality and we all need to wake up and stop being stupid ostriches hiding our heads in the sand thinking that our arses are not stuck up in the air and in full view of anybody with the knowhow to bother to look at it.

Our lives have changed forever, the internet is a wonderful tool if used properly, it is a beautiful tool for creating justice and sharing knowledge in the world, but in the wrong hands it is and can be an evil tool that can be used to control the people of the world, without even most of them knowing that they are little more than puppets for the powerful in the world.

They will stop at nothing to keep and increase their power these people it is what drives them more than the money, because they get off on the control more than anything.

They create paranoia and fear amongst the people of the world for very little reason than for power.

When the Ebola virus broke out in Africa the world’s population went wild and many many people got on board to try to fight this evil disease. Then one day I heard an infectious disease specialist working in Africa talking and he was sickened by the publicity and all the fuss about Ebola. At that time there had been I think 6,000 people who had died from the disease and he said do you know that in Africa today there are still over 2,000 people who die each week from malaria and nobody gives a fuck. When you do the maths and work out the percentage difference between deaths from both of these problems it is ridiculous the publicity that Ebola gets.

Don’t get me wrong here it is a disease that needs to be dealt with but maybe it’s also good to look at the world picture and realise that we have as a world ignored the deaths from malaria for many many years because the media has decided and the people who are behind the propaganda that we get from the powerful men who control the media that Ebola is more important because they make it more scary and it is with fear that these people now control us like marionettes.

It is these people who have created 1984 just a few years later than Orwell predicted.

AERODYNAMICS

I THINK YOU only live once in your life, maybe reincarnation is true; but I believe that at this point in your life you do not really know that for sure and you have to make the best out of it whilst you are alive.

Sometimes this means you have utilise the basic theory of aerodynamics, yachts and aeroplanes use the very same principle to get somewhere in your life. One propels the vehicle horizontally using aerodynamics and the other propels you vertically using the exactly same principle.

To get the best out of your life you have be able to defy gravity and travel using the theory of aerodynamics and realise the danger that you may put yourself into.

With Alex Supertramp from the book into the wild he was just not careful enough and so he died.

As I said in sailing you utilise aerodynamics to propel the boat forward and with an aeroplane you use it to defy gravity and therefore both will travel faster.

The expression sailing too close to the wind means that to get the fastest speed out of your non stinky boat you need to be able to judge the wind and sail as close to the wind as possible and get the best propulsion and speed without the wind flapping your sails and bringing you to a dead halt. In flying to have the most fun you can fly the plane so close to its stalling speed that in a light aircraft you can actually land a fixed winged plan vertically down like a jump jet on the runway by using the wind for your airspeed, but in both cases if you lose your aerodynamic propulsion you are in trouble.

You have to be able to judge these things and do it safely so that you either have a plan B or you lose the yacht or you CRASH your plane.

The one thing about humans and the history of our civilisation is that I find it hard to believe that they had yachts and used the theory to propel themselves horizontally forward for thousands of years before they looked at birds wings and realised that they both had the same aerodynamic shape and then men and women could actually fly through the sky like eagles.

AFTER CASA

More of the curly dish pig tales

S O I HAD left the café that I had devoted my precious time to and where I had been used abused and manipulated unrelentingly and lied to in such a disgusting manner by the arsehole owner

The next day I woke with a hangover and still angry with myself and the world and around lunchtime I decided to go into town and ring a couple of friends, Gilbert and Ruth to tell them that I was catching the train down to see them. There was no answer and as they were coming up that night on the train I thought it would be silly to just jump on the train in the hope that they would get the message before they left. So I bought a flask of Bourbon and went home to drown my sorrows again. I fell asleep and at eight I drove into town to get them off the train. I figured that I could get them to drive home after the obligatory beer in the pub, yet when we returned back to the car both of them refused to drive. I thought shit but didn’t protest enough at their laziness and unwillingness to be responsible human beings and a hundred metres later we were pulled up by the plod. I blew three times the limit and it was only a few days later that I realised that this was in part due to my badly functioning liver.

We all left the Police station and searched for petrol that the vehicle needed to get home with whilst I bought a bottle of Bourbon in which to drown myself. The next day I continued drinking, reality had taken a sudden turn into nightmare land and I didn’t want to have anything to do with reality. That night I woke at about two and dry reached for the next seven hours or so. It was a full moon and I couldn’t sleep so as my friends slept on the lounge room floor I wandered back and forwards between my bed and the moonlight paddocks outside. Out here under the light of the spring equinox moon it is almost daylight and it is easy to wander around as you please. They say if you find yourself in hell that it’s best to keep on walking and so that night I did. That is when I was not doubled up dry reaching that is. Over the next two days I decided that as every time I had ever been in serious trouble there was alcohol involved and as I was pretty sure that my childhood Hepatitis had returned; that if my life was to not slide into hell forever that it was imperative to give up alcohol for ever.

Sure it’s easy to say but when the cop came Tuesday morning and took my licence off me it was then that I had enough incentive to evaluate my life and do it with a clear head. Too many times in my life I had made bad decisions, looking back it almost seems that something inside me has sabotaged my life altogether and I was desperate enough to believe that it was alcohol. Or at least I hoped that by going on the wagon my life would improve.

Gilbert and Ruth talked me through a rough couple of days of the full moon, they told me good and bad things about myself, Gilbert in particular said that I had become way too serious and that I needed to learn to enjoy life and that I should leave Castlemaine and get out there in the world and do something with myself. It’s been a week since I got busted and I have managed to keep away from the grog and in some way my mood has improved.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The little mouse that was stranded in the kitchen

I LIVE OUT in a forest, a State forest near Castlemaine and I am the only resident of the forest. There are plenty of people who live on the edge of the forest but I have the only property that is right smack in the middle. I have sixty acres here with my house and in all but one direction there is a six-kilometre walk to the nearest house. It is also about a seven-kilometre walk to the nearest town. So I am at the moment stranded here out in the bush and relying on friends to give me a lift into town or take the three hour round trip by foot. It’s not a place where people would possibly drive past on their way to going somewhere; it’s a forest of about a hundred and forty square kilometres midway between three towns. I have two dogs and a cat here that I must feed as well as myself and even if I only go every two days on the trek into town I must return with three kilograms of meat just for the animals. That leaves me about seven or so kilos left for food for me. I have no intention of lugging back more than about ten kilos for that seven kilometres uphill back to my home.

I am planning on moving to Melbourne to live and work because it is impossible to do anything here other than live on the dole and I don’t want to do that. Also I would not get away with it for very long because sooner or later the government would work it out that I cannot work whilst living here. Sometimes things happen in your life that force you along a direction that you may not have followed and this is one for me. Losing my licence