Wives on Layaway: Bad Business

By Joseph Ubo

Emmanuel Awak-Isang decided that his wife Rose must die. That was a simple decision to make. Decisions like that, experts would agree, are always simple to arrive at, after the decider feels perfectly wronged by the object of his ire. But carrying out a homicide without leaving a trail which dedicated hounds could pick up on and trace the crime to its source usually proves trickier than just making a financial investment in a murder tool. And that is just one obstacle.
Like marriage counselors have been saying about relationships, communication is very important. In Emmanuels case, because he did not inform the object of his extreme despise in a timely manner, either in word or action that he was planning to do her in, unknowingly, she kept messing up his plan to kill her.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 13, 2016
• ISBN: 9781532003837

Joseph Ubo

Wives on Layaway Emmanuel Tutumore decided that his wife, Rose, must die. That was a simple decision to make. Decisions like that—experts would agree—are always simple to arrive at after the decider feels perfectly wronged by the object of his ire. But carrying out a homicide without leaving a trail that dedicated hounds could pick up on and trace the crime to the source usually proves trickier than just making a financial investment in a murder tool. And that is just one obstacle. Like marriage counselors have been saying about relationships, communication is very important. In Emmanuel’s case, because he did not inform the object of his extreme ire in a timely manner, either in word or action, that he was planning to do her in, unknowingly, she kept messing up his plans to kill her. For instance, she always had their twin babies with her. Since he considered himself to be an ethical type of guy, if not a loving dad to his girls, despite the feeling of being wronged more than any man has been wronged by a woman, he did not want to leave bullet holes on his children or even splash blood on them in the process of subtracting their mom from the land of the living. But unlike a lot of people whose involuntary utterances, involuntary facial expressions, and other involuntary body language point to finding the institution of marriage flummoxing, unwielding, overly stressful, and therefore, very bad for their health, Emmanuel did not consider seeking relief via the American true-and-tried avenue: divorce. He was too full of ire to take that route. His desire was to get out of the relationship at no additional financial cost to him. But he realized that in the great state of Texas, a “community property” state, it would take something like a double-portion miracle to pull off a divorce without losing his shirt in the process. His blood pressure spiked whenever his mind considers he fact that his wife could piggyback on him to become a rich single woman after their divorce became final. Therefore, he contemplated hiring a paid assassin to stop that metamorphosis. He planned to turn the tables on her. But in casual conversations with people who claimed they knew people that were involved in that type of work, he found out that most so-called contract killers were either outright frauds or wannabe police informers looking to get off “the book” themselves by luring others into it. Emmanuel wished for something familiar and simpler: dark magic, the much-talked-about African method of subtracting an enemy without firing an incriminating shot. But his mind recalled a story from home that African voodoo loses its power to do deathly harm the moment it is transported overseas. That meant that it would have been a waste of money to import voodoo to America. He convinced himself that there had to be a necromancer in America who specialized in killing enemies using nothing but magical powers, like he knew they did in Africa. Emmanuel checked with fortune tellers and palm readers about town. Not only was that not their area of specialization, but they did not know anyone that could carry out a killing without a physical agent of harm. They were no help. He searched some more and researched around, discreetly and locally at first. Under the pretext of attending out-of-town job fairs, he was led him to Louisiana, Arkansas, and Mississippi. But even in the mash and very decrepit areas of those states, he could not find real voodoo priests willing to see to the accidental and untimely death of his wife. He was losing time, yet there was no good help in sight. In desperation, he convinced himself to carry out the deed himself as he had initially decided. He borrowed from the public library a textbook on anatomy and physiology. Since he had parlayed his familial connection to skip biology and other required sciences in high school, he did not know much about the workings of the human body. Consequently, when he needed that know

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WIVES ON LAYAWAY

BAD BUSINESS

Joseph Ubo

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WIVES ON LAYAWAY

BAD BUSINESS

Copyright © 2016 Joseph Ubo.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-0384-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-0383-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016912709

iUniverse rev. date: 10/12/2016

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 1

E MMANUEL ASSUA-ITEM DECIDED that his wife, Rose, needed to die. The choice was simple for him. Such decisions are always easy when a person feels terribly wronged. But carrying out a homicide without leaving a trail usually proves trickier than investing in a murder weapon. And that is just one obstacle.

As marriage counselors say, communication is the key to a relationship—perhaps even a bad one. Emmanuel did not clearly signal his intent to kill her, because of that omission, his wife kept messing up his plan. For one thing, she always had their twin babies with her. Though he believed he had been more wronged than any man in history, Emmanuel considered himself an ethical guy, and he did not want to leave bullet holes in his children or even splash blood on them while removing their mom from the land of the living.

But unlike a lot of people whose utterances, facial expressions, and body language show that they have had it with marriage, Emmanuel did not consider seeking relief via the tried-and-true American means: divorce. He was too full of ire to take that route. Emmanuel wanted to escape a relationship he considered to be a bad deal and to avoid any additional financial cost. He knew that because Texas was a community-property state, it would take a miracle to pull off a divorce without losing his shirt. His blood pressure spiked at the thought that his wife would become a rich woman after their divorce. That’s why he contemplated hiring an assassin to eliminate her. But in casual conversations with people who bragged that they knew people involved in such work, Emmanuel learned that most so-called contract killers were either outright frauds or wannabe police informers looking to clean their slates by luring others into crime.

Emmanuel wished for something familiar and simpler: dark magic, the much-talked-about African method of removing an enemy without firing an incriminating shot. But he recalled a warning that African voodoo loses its power to do deathly harm the moment it is transported overseas. That meant it would be a waste of money to import voodoo to America, where everything operates according to solid scientific facts, not by magic. He convinced himself that there had to be a necromancer in America who specialized in using magical powers to kill people like the sorcerers did in Africa. Emmanuel began by checking out fortune tellers and palm readers. Not only was contract killing not their specialty, but they did not know anyone who could carry out a hit without a physical agent such as poison or a hunting rifle or a ploy like an arranged accident. They were no help. He searched more discreetly without asking the advice of friends.

Under the pretext of attending out-of-town job fairs, Emmanuel traveled to Louisiana, Arkansas, and Mississippi. But even in the seediest areas of those states, he could not find voodoo priests willing to see to the accidental death of his wife. He was losing time and had no help in sight. In desperation, he decided to do the deed himself as he had initially planned. He borrowed a textbook on anatomy and physiology from the public library. Since he had used family connections to skip biology and other required science courses in high school, he did not know much about the workings of the human body. Thank goodness for the resources of American libraries.

Emmanuel immersed himself in colorful biology tomes. They helped him to identify the exact locations of vital blood vessels where one stab would end the life of a useless woman in no time. Having found in those library books the life-supplying conduits to a beating heart, he purchased a chemical suit, safety goggles, and two daggers. Whenever Rose was out of the house and he was alone, Emmanuel stood in front of mirrors and practiced how he would stab the life out of her without getting her evil blood on him. He also ordered old copies of the British magazine True Detective and studied them day and night, as if preparing for an entrance examination at Eton, the expensive boarding school in England.

But after also watching many hours of news and crime shows on American television and noticing the ease with which law enforcement personnel connected the dots following a homicide, Emmanuel reconsidered his plan for a do-it-yourself murder. He was amazed at how adept the American police were in linking homicides to husbands who had taken out hefty life insurance policies on their wives, as he had.

Though the efficiency of US law enforcement caused him anxiety and gave him second thoughts, Emmanuel made a small investment in a handgun called a Saturday-night special and had it fitted with a silencer. After practicing the effective operation of the gun in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom, he was impressed with American ingenuity in designing what he referred to as a settler of disputes. Using the gun did not require much work or special training. He laughed at his foolishness in considering any other means of committing the murder.

Not long before, Emmanuel had booby-trapped his wife’s car. But he had to undo his work in a hurry after Rose decided to take their twins to day care. After that near-miss with his babies, he settled on shooting their mom from a distance to make it look like someone else did it. But that plan also hit a snag. The twins took ill on the day he had chosen to hide behind the chimney on the roof of his town house and shoot Rose as she was pulling into the driveway. On that day the babies could not be separated from their mom.

But this is getting ahead of the story. Let us back up a little.

Emmanuel’s problems with his wife were rooted in events that had taken place more than ten years earlier. He had returned home to marry, and his family introduced him to several girls who were raised in and around the community where he’d grown up. These were girls whose histories and pedigrees his people knew quite well. They discreetly showcased these girls for him, but none was his type. The family did not know that he was looking for an extremely light-skinned girl, the kind he saw in fashion magazines displayed at the checkout counters in American convenience stores. Emmanuel was angling for a local babe who would be the envy of his friends back in the States. He also wanted a graduate of a midwife school who could become a registered nurse in America.

The girls who were scouted out and brought to him for show-and-tell, though excellent material for building strong marriages and good homes did not remotely look like the beauty queens he saw in fashion magazines and on American college campuses.

Emmanuel conned his family, which, like many in Africa, insisted on being front and center when the children had the itch to get hitched. He told his people that with his high level of education and his exposure to other cultures, he was not a candidate for an arranged marriage. He shocked his family by saying that he wanted a marriage based on love, not an arbitrary pairing by people who valued domesticity far more than beauty.

Though his people did not say so, they suspected that Emmanuel had immoral intentions. In their view, any young man who did not want his family telling him whom to choose for a wife must have something to hide. They thought he wanted to do his own scouting so he could sample the girls with devil-may-care attitudes, the ones who, to the consternation of their parents, had outgrown the boundaries set by their elders and by the culture.

Emmanuel visited a lot of college campuses in his quest for a Jacqueline Kennedy look-alike, a beauty pageant winner. A few of the girls, mostly members of a Puritan-influenced sect that billed itself as the Evangelicals of the Church for West Africans, noticed him everywhere they turned and decided he was up to no good. When they saw him at their scripture study meetings without the required the required King James Version Study Bible, they got suspicious. They told each other that to finish the race set before them and to receive the crown of life from the Lord for living piously on a rowdy, party-oriented university campus, they needed to avoid the man with the shiny Mercedes-Benz as they would the devil incarnate. So despite the hard currency Emmanuel displayed at the campus exchange, these girls, who prided themselves on being good role models and on being seen as wholesome, were not impressed.

It just so happened that while Emmanuel was working the party circuit and the prayer meetings of born-again, Holy Ghost–baptized girls, several girls were in the final stages of assembling a band christened the Virgins. The band’s main purpose was to offer a flesh-and-blood example of moral rectitude to younger girls who might have thought that there was no oasis from the encroaching wilderness of materialism. The band girls refused to be charmed by what they called the vanity of ostentation, which they knew Emmanuel to personify. They encouraged other girls to focus on their studies and not to allow themselves to be victimized by the latest ravishing wolf on campus. Other girls on campus heard about the heroics of the scripture girls and began to show courage, refusing the enticement to be playthings for the man wearing expensive suits and driving gleaming cars. The boycott was so effective that the swaggering Emmanuel noticed that most girls went in the opposite direction when they spotted him in their residence halls. But since he thought so highly of himself, he believed this meant that all girls who resisted him were what King James calls maidens. He hurriedly promised marriage to a girl who was not nearly as puritanical as the band sisters.

Unlike the Virgin-band girls, the one Emmanuel chose strutted around campus in stilettos, low-cut blouses, and hot shorts instead of the required sandals and full-length dresses. Since Rose could neither read sheet music nor played any musical instrument, she was regarded only as an associate of the band girls. They knew she attended their meetings solely to con heaven into improving her luck in finding a rich man to take care of her, so they did not insist that she conform to their standards and their dress code.

Shortly after his marriage proposal to a girl everyone thought he hardly knew, Emmanuel returned to America. But before he flew out, he saddled his family with the responsibility of getting her over to the United States through a visa program for wives joining husbands. The complete paperwork for that class of visa was on file before he left, but unknown to him, the girl and the busiest US embassy in Africa did not get along well. Rose and the office staff were not on speaking terms. Emmanuel’s older family members interceded but could not get the embassy or the girl to tell them why the mention of her name generated a negative response at the embassy. They gave up. Emmanuel’s younger cousins, who saw nothing wrong with their American cousin marrying a girl they may have dallied with in the immediate past, made a concerted effort but found no one at the embassy who would take a bribe and tell them what was in her record and, more important, how to make it disappear. They too gave up.

Emmanuel sent them an aerogram demanding to know why it was taking them so long to get his girl to him. The cousins went to the head office of the Nigeria Telecommunications Corporation in Lagos and placed a call to him on a secure line. They told him Rose was too much trouble. They pleaded with him to heed the admonitions of the family elders and to leave her behind. The cousins also asked him to permit them to find another girl and to put her on layaway for him. Emmanuel did not want to hear that. He said he was deeply in love with the girl he had found himself. They said it was impossible for a real man to be that badly smitten in such a short time. He said he resented being told that he was less than a man and vowed not to abandon his dream girl.

The cousins reported back to the elders in the village, and the entire family washed its hands off the situation. Having ended communication with family members, Emmanuel consulted with Africans in the United States about his problem. They too told him that he should look for another girl and that they believed the spirits of his ancestors were trying to help him avoid a catastrophe. Seeing that he was committed to what he called a bird in hand, they theorized that the more difficult it was for him to bring the girl over, the harder it would be for the two to get along, because it would be almost impossible for her to satisfy his expectations of a sufficiently submissive wife. Emmanuel did not appreciate their lack of support. He ignored them and hurried back home to retrieve his girl.

At the embassy, Emmanuel learned that the problem with Rose’s papers seemed to be a major one and that he was dealing with it at the wrong locale, a US agency, where bribery was unknown. He and the girl returned to his hotel to regroup and re-strategize. He told her that he had a lot of running around to do and that he better do it in Lagos where everything was possible. All of this would involve money.

Emmanuel got Rose a different birth certificate. With that, she obtained a new passport based on the fingerprints and the personal information of someone from a minority tribe. Still, the US embassy, without explanation, refused to affix a visa to the new passport. Emmanuel went another route and tried to get her a student visa called an I-94. That effort also hit a roadblock.

W HEN ROSE’S PEOPLE found out that Emmanuel was ensconced in a hotel suite in Lagos with their daughter and had not bothered to visit their village to take care of the formalities that would have signaled the community that she was about to be a bride, they started a rumor campaign. They said he had no intention of marrying their daughter, and they would not talk of bringing her to America. They complained to everyone that Emmanuel was teaching their innocent child behavior inconsistent with the moral values she was raised to observe. They claimed he was just using her body for his pleasure, a grievous sin, if not a crime. He went to the village, bought goats for the chiefs and swore to anyone who would listen that he was an honorable man. Prove it, they said, jeering at him. To show that they were wrong about him and his intentions, Emmanuel relocated to Nigeria the white wedding he had planned to celebrate in America. He placed paid announcements in newspapers and on radio about a US-based businessman joining a local college girl in holy matrimony.

The wedding was a grand event. Emmanuel’s intent was to raise a lot of money from family, friends, and other invitees. With a huge stack of cash in his bank account, he theorized the US embassy would quickly issue his woman a special visa called an H1B, which allowed hundreds of businessmen from China and India to enter the United States to invest in and grow the American economy. But this strategy did not work either. After this third strike, he contracted with smugglers to bring Rose to America as a well-traveled businesswoman fleeing persecution from her country’s military regime. The smugglers got her an international passport as a citizen of the oil-producing nation of Equatorial Guinea. Then, instead of flying her straight to the United States, they took her to Tanzania, Botswana, Burundi, and South Africa. From there she flew to Brazil, to Peru, and finally to Cuba.

As Emmanuel would recall later, Rose lived in some of those countries for months while the smugglers monitored the movements of US Border Patrol agents. Her hotel bills alone almost caused him to have cardiac arrest. But thank God for graduate school. He returned to school and signed up for yet another postgraduate degree. He had planned to use grants and loans to build himself a mansion in Africa. Now he used the money to finance his woman’s coming to America. His African buddies, hearing that Emmanuel was spending money like a drunken sailor to bring an African woman to the United States, thought he was crazy to try a gamble on which other African men had lost their shirts. They too found out that their friend was not good at taking advice. He was good only at dispensing advice and words of wisdom to others. He ignored all the friends warning him about his African bride. He told them he was set on proving his detractors wrong when his girl reached Texas.

The day she finally arrived was a festive one. Emmanuel’s African and American friends showed up at the airport, carrying balloons and placards with festoons. They draped the railings as if to welcome a head of state. They filled the arrival hall to welcome the much-anticipated queen to Texas. After that, the party moved to Emmanuel’s town house. The men, who knew what their friend had endured in terms of spending and stress for two years, had gotten together and had killed a cow and several goats to prepare all kinds of African delicacies. At the all-day, all-night party, German beer flowed freely, loosening people’s tongues. The DJ was so happy and excited for Emmanuel that he encouraged guests to toss dollars at him as he danced to defray the costs of the layaway.

The music was so loud that at the behest of neighbors who had to work the next day, the neighborhood-watch patrol team stopped by to ask that the music be turned down or that the party should be ended. Since a lot of adult beverages were still available, no one wanted to leave. It was two in the morning, and the party was just getting started. Someone approached the disc jockey and persuaded him to lower the volume.

With the music turned way down, partygoers could hear each other. That was when other African men with damaged egos and conspicuous scars from wife importation scams started swapping war stories. They admitted that no one held a gun to their heads to ditch their American wives for the African variety. And although they had not spent half as much money and time as Emmanuel had to import his woman, his situation was nothing short of déjà vu for them. They kept looking at the girl and at him out of the corners of their eyes, making mental comparisons. They focused on Emmanuel and the enormous belly that his African outfit could not completely hide, a protruding gut common to