I Crossed Over: A Wife’S 40-Year Prayer Journey for Her Husband’S Salvation and the Day That He Would Cross over from Death to Life

By Alice Moss

This book is the story of being married to an unbeliever. It is the story of a wifes forty-year prayer journey, praying for her husbands salvation, her lifelong struggles in the marriage, and remaining faithful in prayer. It is the story of Gods faithfulness to hear and answer prayer in His time. It is the story of a God who loves without measure and walks with us when in the furnace of affliction. It is the story of an ordinary woman with a tenacious determination to not give up on her God-given assignment to pray. It is the story of faith rewarded, missions accomplished, and the power of prayer. It is the story of how God gives joy for our journeys and grace as we wait upon Him.

The vision is yet for the appointed time: It hastens towards the goal, and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it. Habakkuk 2:3

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 25, 2016
• ISBN: 9781512732931

Alice Moss

Alice Moss is a Bible teacher, retreat speaker, workshop leader, and worship-based prayer facilitator with a unique ability to reach people with her genuine, enthusiastic love for Jesus. She offers wise biblical counsel to women based on a mature and clear understanding of God’s Word. Alice has served in women’s ministry for over 30 years and has led countless groups and events on the issues of worship, prayer, and discipleship, to create a deeper understanding of the Lord and their Christian faith. Though she currently resides in the Sacramento, CA area, Alice has ministered all across North America and overseas as well. Alice is a voracious reader, an avid fan of her favorite NBA Cavaliers and NFL 49er teams, has an over-the-top addiction to shoes, does water aerobics regularly, and loves old Victorian and pre-industrial movies. She is a widow, the mother of four and a grandmother of ten.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 Alice Moss.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3292-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3294-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3293-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016903426

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/11/2016

Contents

Dedication of My Book

Acknowledgement

Biographical Information: Alice Moss

Foreword

Preface

The Call

My Early Life

Eddie’s Early Life

Meeting the Love of My Life

Living in Minnesota

The Way Things Were

Military Life Continues

Welcome to the Twin Cities

Home Owners

Minnesota Summers

Minnesota Winters

Business Owners - A Dream Come True

How I Met Jesus

Eddie Hears the Gospel

Living with an Unbeliever

What a Difference Prayer Makes

The Joy of Prayer Journaling

Lessons of a Prayer Life Continue

Teens in Turmoil

The Need to Forgive

Moving to California

Finding a New Church

Dreams from My Heavenly Father

A New Church Family

My First Prayer Summit

After the Prayer Summit

A Model for Me

Eddie Attends Church with Me

Praying through Pain

A Message from Habakkuk

Poems from My Heavenly Father

Saturday Morning Women’s Corporate Prayer

The Quality of Suffering

It’s a Family Affair

A Change in Leadership

The Train Whistle

Early Retirement

The Battle Begins

The Call Continued

Salvation Comes to Our House

Cancer Can Be a Gift

The Battle Continues

Tailor-Made Grace to Let Go

Facing a New Future

The Final Dream

More Life Lessons

Momentous Moments Moving Forward

Moments at Mt. Sinai

Bibliography

Song Contributions

Dedication of My Book

I dedicate this book to my Lord, who inspired me to write it. He kept me faithful to the commitment that I made to see this project completed. My book is not a teaching manual, nor is it written by a professional. It is simply my story: The story of a woman’s 40-year prayer journey, praying for her husband’s salvation. It is the story of my life being married to an unbeliever, and the faithfulness of Almighty God, to bring my husband to faith in Jesus Christ. Without God’s encouraging grace, I could never have accomplished so great a task of writing a book–but God. God is able to make all grace abound towards you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have abundance for every good work. (2 Corinthians 9:8 NKJV) He alone deserves praise for this finished work that I dedicate to His glory.

I also dedicate this book to my children: Renae, Anthony, Andre’ and Bryan. They are a gift from God and a great comfort and blessing to me. They are champions in my life; gifted in numerous ways, helpful, respectful, caring and encouraging. I hold them close to my heart where my love for them abounds. I am proud to be their mother.

To my surrogate daughter Lori, who brings me joy with her humor and with her encouragement. She was such an inspiration to me during the early stages of writing this book. Her uniqueness to prompt me to continue writing and her willingness to assist me with research for this book will always be remembered with love and gratitude.

To my prayer partners both locally and around the globe, who prayed for me and who also prayed for my husband: you are a treasure from heaven and I am so thankful that you willingly interceded on my behalf. I love you for your sacrificial intercession that carried me on the wings of your prayers.

To those special ladies in my life who along with myself make a group of ten: You, too, are a treasure and a gift from God. F. D. Sherman put it best when he wrote these words: It is my joy in life to find, at every turning of the road; the strong arms of a comrade kind, to help me onward with my load. And since I have no gold to give, and love alone must make amends; my only prayer is while I live, God make me worthy of my friends. (To Be A Friend - Hallmark Editions, 1967) May you hear my heart as he speaks for me more eloquently than I can.

To the many people who are married to unbelievers, or who have unsaved loved ones that you are praying for, never give up praying. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous person avails much. (James 5:16 NKJV) The dividends for your sacrificial prayers pay rewards that are eternal. God hears your prayers and He will answer them in His time. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come; it will not delay. (Habakkuk 2:3 NASB)

Acknowledgement

I am extremely thankful to my dear brother in Christ, J. Brooks Van Dyke, for his instructive help in the completion of this book. His expertise and his attention to detail for editing was an answer to my prayer. His encouragement to me and his sensitivity towards content brought coherence and flow to my manuscript while maintaining the integrity of my writing. At a time when I most needed that special someone for advice and input, God brought Brooks into my life and he remains both my brother and my friend.

I am also thankful for the incredible giftedness and skill of Tana Leigh Gabriel, for designing the cover of my book. Her devotion and perseverance to capture from my imagination, an accurate image that would coincide with the book’s title was astounding. Our longtime friendship as sisters in Christ has been enriched, as we collaborated on an idea that was brought to life.

Four months after my book was published I began to re-edit for a second printing. That’s when I discovered I had mistakenly sent the wrong final manuscript to the publisher. Throughout the process of writing and editing, numerous copies were saved. I was advised not to delete them. So unbeknown to me I approved the printing of a partially edited book.

Needless to say, when I discovered my mistake I was devastated, frustrated, embarrassed and angry with myself for my lack of attention to detail. But more importantly, I felt miserable for Brooks, who worked tirelessly editing my book. His experience and expertise was invaluable to me and I will always be grateful to him.

Sometimes life’s lessons can be painful to learn as this one was for me. Of course I wondered once again why God had allowed this to happen. What lesson was I to learn from this incident? So many books had been purchased since being published. All I could think about were the mistakes, the misprints, and the people who would read them. I momentarily lost sight of the greater context within and all that God has accomplished by allowing me to share my story. Numerous friends who had read my book reminded me that the story written within the pages overshadowed any mistakes by far. So I gathered up my heartache and pride and decided to use this incident as an opportunity to try to display the character of Christ. I realized that All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28 NKJV)

I am also convinced that if God had any perfect children who do not make mistakes, He would surely make use of them. Unfortunately, all He has to work with are flawed and imperfect people, of which I am one. But I am comforted to know that God doesn’t waste anything. He even uses our mistakes.

During the period of facing the disappointment of this experience, God sent an answer to my dilemma. Her name is Tammy Tucker and we both attend Arcade Church. Tammy and I have been friends for years, even serving in ministry together. She came to me at just the right time. She humbly asked if she could help me make corrections in my book. She was and is a godsend for me personally and I am extremely grateful for her clear and objective assistance and her attention to detail. She is passionate about her ability to do what God has asked of her and she is also passionate about her Lord. She is insightful and astute as she seeks out and edits my mistakes. Working with Tammy has been a wonderful adventure and she has affectionately wrapped herself around my heart. We really have become more intimately acquainted because we pray and worship together every Saturday morning. What a gift God sent me when He chose Tammy. We both count it all joy as we pray together and seek the Lord’s wisdom and His infallible grace for the second publication of my book. I’m absolutely confident that Brooks will forgive me and that God will somehow use this incredible blunder to bring glory to Himself. He does things like that.

Biographical Information: Alice Moss

Alice Moss is a Bible teacher, retreat speaker, workshop leader, and worship-based prayer facilitator. She has a unique ability to reach people with her genuine, enthusiastic love for Jesus. She offers wise Biblical counsel to women based on a mature and clear understanding of God’s Word.

Alice is a member of Arcade Church. In addition to being a workshop speaker for Strategic Renewal International, Alice has ministered internationally and across the U. S. Over the years she has ministered to many churches of different ethnicities, challenging and encouraging God’s people to be faithful in their prayer lives.

Alice is a widow and lives in Sacramento, California. She is the mother of four and grandmother of ten.

Foreword

Alice Moss embodies and inspires life transforming prayer. As I travel across the nation equipping believers and encouraging churches, I often describe her as the most dynamic prayer facilitator I know. Her heart for Christ, sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, understanding of the human heart and vibrant personality converge to help others experience the power of Christ in profound ways.

But this kind of intimacy with Jesus and influence for His kingdom does not come easily. Alice has learned to humbly rely on the Lord through the trials and triumphs of her daily experience. Her heart for God has been forged in the furnace of affliction, producing the fruit of affection for Christ and need of His grace.

This book is the story behind her story. Few circumstances in life can test personal faith and shape a testimony more than the challenge of living with a spouse who does not know and follow Christ. Alice shares her journey with raw honesty, inspiring humor and deeply encouraging wisdom.

Her story ends in spiritual triumph. But this is not always the case for some who pray a lifetime for a lost loved one. God determines the outcome of our path of persevering prayer. Yet, we must all embrace our responsibility to accept His call to call upon His name. Alice’s story helps every believer to endure, to grow, to trust and to give God the glory every step of the way.

If you carry the burden of loving and longing for the salvation of someone you care about, Alice’s story will help you in deep and encouraging ways.

You may not ever have the joy of watching her lead a prayer experience at your church, but here, in the pages of this book, you can know the blessing of learning to pray as you walk with Alice in the story of her authentic life.

Daniel Henderson

Pastor and President of Strategic Renewal International

Preface

Gratitude is born when we contemplate the goodness of God. The heart becomes consciously grateful when we meditate on Him with gratitude because of His goodness. Gratitude also arises as a result of being grateful for something God has done, simply because He is good, and because His faithfulness and lovingkindness is without measure. The more my soul reflects on God’s goodness, His grace and mercy, the more thankful I become. So it is with a grateful heart that I tell my story of praying for my husband’s salvation for more than 40 years. It is also the story of God’s faithfulness to answer my prayers and save the love of my life.

This book’s title came from his own lips on the day that he was born again, two weeks before he died. When the question was asked of him in his hospital room: Don’t you have something you want to tell me? His answer was, I Crossed Over. He referred to the Bridge to Life pamphlet that our daughter Renae left with him the night before he received Jesus Christ as his Savior. It illustrated a person crossing over the bridge with Jesus, from death to life eternal with God.

This book is the honest story of the God of grace and mercy, who would not allow me to give up praying for my husband. It is the transparent story of heartaches and triumphs, of fears and failures, of tears and laughter, of joy in the midst of sadness, and a tenacious endurance of commitment to not give up praying. It is my life’s story of being married to an unbeliever: And it is the story of a wife’s prayer journey and the battle that I fought on my knees and at His feet.

The Call

On December 13, 2006, while proctoring a four-hour exam in Sacramento at McGeorge Law School, I received a call from our youngest son, Bryan. He said, Mom, you need to come home now. Dad needs to go to the hospital and he will not let me take him. I told my son that I was on my way and to get his father ready. We would take him to the hospital even if we had to carry him. My husband’s battle with cancer had so greatly weakened him that he could barely walk. I had called his doctor the day before and pressed him for the truth. Only then did the doctor inform me that my husband was in the final stage of a rare cancer that had a terrible grip on him. Our son Bryan had come home to help care for his dad. The law exams gave me a small window of time away from home and served as a distraction from worrying about my husband. Between the two of us, we never left Eddie alone, and we kept in touch with one another with our cell phones. Bryan is a big guy, so he was able to help his dad considerably in ways that I could not. I knew he would take good care of his dad while I was away. I also knew that Eddie did not want to go to the hospital until he had no other choice, so I tried not to force the issue.

The night before, he had lain on the couch watching me decorate the fireplace mantle for Christmas. As he watched I remember wondering what his thoughts were. He was always reluctant to share his thoughts. Was he worried or fearful? Was he in pain? I didn’t know, so I tried to keep a close watch on the way he acted. He had never been ill before the cancer, and he was not one to complain. Later that same evening he had an attack of hiccups that wouldn’t cease, but he wouldn’t allow me to take him to the hospital. It hurt to feel so helpless, watching him struggle with the effects of the cancer and now with hiccups. The hiccups robbed him of his strength and drained away what little energy he had. I tried everything that I knew to do, but the hiccups continued unceasingly. I began to silently pray, asking God to ease his discomfort and to stop the hiccups. Eddie had complained of stomach pain, so I gave him medication hoping it would lessen his pain and put an end to his hiccups.

He made a pallet on the carpet with a comforter and a pillow to seek some relief, but nothing seemed to help. The hiccups continued. He had lost so much weight and he looked so sad that it broke my heart. I silently prayed to God, Lord what can I do to help him? Please stop Eddie’s hiccups. He tried to get up but he was too weak to accomplish this by himself. Bryan was not yet home so I helped him crawl to the sofa while he held onto me. I was then able to get him upright and onto the sofa so he could lie down. Eddie was already so weak that I was afraid the hiccups might trigger a crisis with his heart. But God heard and answered my prayer and He caused the hiccups to stop. I couldn’t help but want God to heal my husband from the cancer, too. It had such a grip on him. I knew that God could just as easily heal the cancer as He could the hiccups. But I also knew that God was using the cancer to bring my husband to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Still, I prayed for God’s grace and mercy for Eddie, and I prayed for strength to stand fast in faith, trusting God’s plan to bring salvation to my husband. I believed that He would, but I also knew that time was running out.

At the law school, I quickly called the faculty office for someone to come and take over my exams for me and I left the classroom. My mind had not wanted to accept what my heart already knew. I had to face the inevitable–my husband was dying. My mind was racing as I rushed across the campus to my car in the parking lot. My heart was pounding as though I’d been running. I felt as though I was in the middle of a bad dream and couldn’t wake up. Questions with no answers surfaced once again as I talked to God on the way to my car. Lord, I need You. How can this be happening? Is there no other way for You to get Eddie’s attention without this ugly cancer? How can I face losing him? I have never known life without him since I was a young teenager. What must I do that I haven’t already done? How can I pray in a way that will make a difference? Will my faith please You Lord, even as I watch my husband suffer? Though I heard no audible voice, I could sense God’s unfailing message to me, and as always He was saying, Trust Me.

I prayed as I had so many times over the years, Father, please don’t let Eddie leave this world without Christ. You promised me that You would save him and time is running out. Please give me the grace to accept Your will, Your way. I cannot go through this without You. I don’t know how to let him go and I can’t imagine life without him. Help me to trust You, Lord. I had prayed that Eddie would receive Christ as his Savior, but he had consistently resisted every opportunity that God sent his way. He believed in the God of the Bible and he even believed in Christ as the way to salvation, but to my knowledge, it was an intellectual belief. Even though he knew the way to Christ, he had refused to surrender his will to the Savior.

I so desperately wanted him to know the lovingkindness and forgiving grace of God, who had kept me praying for him for so many years. My Heavenly Father would never allow me to give up praying for my husband. He continually reminded me to trust Him, even when I knew that time was limited. I had been praying for Eddie’s salvation for more than 40 years, so I couldn’t stop now that God was using the cancer to answer my prayers. I believed in God with all of my heart and still, the thought of losing my husband terrified me. I feared that my faith would fail me and I did not want to dishonor my Lord.

My heart knew to trust God in all things, but there was a part of my heart that knew deep within, the reality of what I was facing. That reality was that Eddie was dying and only God could prevent that from happening. He alone held the power of life and death in His hands. Would I truly trust God in the face of losing my husband? Would my faith sustain me through this ordeal? I wanted God to save him spiritually and heal him physically, and I knew that He had the power to do that. I knew from reading His Word that He was a healer of both the soul and the body–but would He? Would He answer my prayer for Eddie’s salvation and for his physical healing? What if God chose to save him and then let him die? Would I still believe in the lovingkindness and forgiving grace that I had known for so many years? Would I doubt God because His sovereign will differed from my human will, from what I asked Him for?

It is so much easier to trust God when He answers our prayers according to our desires. God both gives and takes away, but would I still bless His name if He took away rather than give me what I asked Him for? Would I still praise Him, even if He took my husband for whom I had been praying for so many years? Would I lose my testimony for expressing the faithfulness and goodness of Almighty God? Would this terrible, fearful dread of losing my husband cause my faith to take a tumble? What would my life be like without Eddie? So many questions flooded my mind in the minutes that felt more like hours as I pondered what lay ahead of me. These were questions that I couldn’t answer and they were surfacing all at once. I could only tell my Father how much I needed Him. I asked Him to help me trust in His grace and faithfulness. I had no answers for my own questions and I had no other choice but to trust God. He had never failed me throughout my life and I determined in my heart that He would not fail me now. I needed the Lord’s strength and faith more than I had since I was a very young Christian. Since learning that my husband had cancer, this was a journey I knew I would have to face one day. God’s will must be done and had I not been praying that prayer for most of my life? I walked across the campus to my car as fast as my weak legs would carry me. It seemed that I was on high alert and it felt like I was on auto-pilot, moving through a fog. There weren’t the tears that one might expect in such circumstances, but rather numbness and the knowledge that God was in control. I needed to trust Him. As I walked, I continued to talk with God, pouring out my heart’s concerns. My prayers were redundant and repetitive, but they were consistent. I asked for His grace to accept what I could not change. I asked Him for strength for what lay ahead of me, and I asked Him for faith to trust Him come what may.

I pleaded His grace for my husband and for our four adult children and our ten grandchildren. Our daughter Renae and our three sons Anthony, Andre’ and Bryan, were hurting, too. The reality of losing their dad was both painful and difficult for them to accept. They had never known life without their father. He was their rock: strong, dependable, reliable, trustworthy, and always there whenever they needed him. He was a father of masculinity to our sons and a little girl’s daddy to our daughter. They were hurting but they were relying on their faith from childhood. They, too, were trusting God to carry them through the difficult days that lay ahead. But the idea of losing their father who they called Dad most of their lives, was not something they could grasp. And yet the reality of this truth forced them to face what seemed to be inevitable.

I continued walking and praying that God would open Eddie’s heart to His truth. I needed Him to illuminate my husband’s mind to accept His Word and I needed God to move his will to receive Jesus as his Savior. I prayed for God to comfort him and protect his life until he said yes to God’s gift of salvation. My prayers were hurried and desperate but they were fervent and they contained a faith that only God can give. I knew deep in my heart that God heard me as I prayed and that He was with me. There were no epiphanies or flashes of insight, but rather an intuitive conscious understanding of the sovereignty of God; His will, His way, His perfection in all things.

All of His promises are true and they comforted me and buoyed my faith to know that I could indeed trust Him. I knew this to be true not because of how I felt, but because His Word proclaims it. I remembered, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I am a very present help when your heart is troubled. Whenever you call Me I will answer. I see your tears and I am saying to you, I am right here beside you. You are not alone. I am your future and your hope. I am faithful and able to provide everything that you need. I am your hiding place. I am your strength, your rock and your refuge. I will give you grace, mercy and help in your time of need. I am the one who hears and answers your prayers. Trust Me, for I am able to save to the utmost. I am your God and I will give you strength for whatever you face. I am here. I am here for you. I believed God’s promises as He whispered them to me and I was determined to stand on them. I knew that His Word was true and it would be my comfort and strength in the days ahead. His Word would be a light for my pathway and oh, how I needed Him to guide me.

As much as I trusted in the promises of God, I knew that my spirit was willing but that my flesh was weak. It amazes me how our greatest strength comes when we are weak, and how God gives us His strength to lift us when we are at our lowest. This was certainly a low point in my life, but then faith is of little use unless it is tested. I did not want to fail God with a lack of faith.

I remember walking to my car feeling as though my faith was truly being challenged, and all the while I was pondering God’s Word and wondering why people were moving about the campus as if all was well. Their concerns at the moment were their final exams. They didn’t know that my husband was dying! He was too young to die! We were in a season of life moving toward our senior years, and besides, longevity ran in Eddie’s family. He couldn’t die now! He was barely 70 years old. He had just turned 70 a month ago to the day. This was the time of the year when we celebrated life, not death! This was the season when we celebrated the birth of the Savior…not His death!

It was the Christmas holiday season and the campus was decorated with a huge Christmas tree filled with bright colorful lights that stood proudly in the window of the cafeteria. Garland and bells hung throughout the campus heralding the season. Light posts were decorated with red, green and gold, the colors of Christmas. People were happy and students looked forward to finishing their exams and going home for the holidays. But for me, these things held no enjoyment at all. My heart was hurting and I was facing losing the love of my life. How could they not see my pain? How could they not stop what they were doing and comfort me? Why didn’t the world stop and take notice? But they didn’t stop and take notice. They didn’t know that I was facing what would be the most difficult challenge that I had ever faced in my life. I wanted to scream for the world to stop and pay attention to what was happening to my husband. I wanted them to feel my pain and to see that my heart was hurting. My heart had an unbearable ache, but I kept walking and praying, asking God for His guidance and strength to face the inevitable.

I had enough time to make one phone call before I got to my car. I knew that I would run into evening traffic because it was after four o’clock in the afternoon. I took the time to call my dear friend Deborah, who was on speed-dial on my phone. I told her that I was on my way home and that Bryan and I were taking Eddie to the hospital. I knew that she would contact the prayer partners who were already praying for Eddie. They had been praying for his salvation for a long time. While driving across the freeway I asked God to part the traffic for me the way He had parted the Red Sea for Moses. I wanted God to call me to Himself, the way He did when Moses was particularly distressed.

But I had no Mount Sinai to run to and no burning bush to indicate a phenomenon. What I faced was certain to be inevitable without His intervention. I prayed that He would hold Eddie in the palm of His hands and to please calm my heart which seemed to have increased its rate considerably. I knew that my prayers were fragmented, but I knew also that God heard me. God hears the simplest prayers, especially when they are prayed in faith.

I remembered the prayer of the man in the Gospel, whose son was possessed with an evil spirit. He asked Jesus for help and Jesus told him, With God all things are possible for him who believes. The man answered and said, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief. (Mark 9:24 NAS) So I prayed that if there was any unbelief in my prayers that God would forgive me and increase my faith. I believe that He did what I asked of Him, but I certainly didn’t feel as though I were full of faith at that moment. Praise God that I could rest in His promises regardless of how I felt. I knew that feelings were not to be trusted and that God honored faith. I knew all of these things and yet my heart was distressed at the thought of losing my husband.

Now that I was in traffic I dared not try and use my cell phone again, even though God had clearly placed Pastor Dann Bryant on my heart. I wanted to call him, but the church office at Arcade would already be closed and I didn’t have his home or cell number with me. The state of mind that I was in would have made it dangerous for me to try and dial anyone else while driving, so I left the thought of calling pastor Dann with God. Dann is an associate pastor at Arcade Church where I attend. He lives and breathes evangelism.

Somewhere deep in my spirit, I knew that he would be the one to lead my husband to Christ and that was why God had placed him on my heart. I knew also that Dann would do so with a clarity and simplicity and thoroughness, that would give Eddie great understanding that would far exceed his intellectual beliefs. Dann is a wonderful, loving and sensitive pastor who genuinely cares for people.

As I drove I took comfort in knowing that we were being prayed for. I sensed that God had begun His work to answer my long-awaited prayers. His plan was now in effect and would not be hindered even by cancer. It is so strange that when we are fretting we are not trusting, but when we are quiet long enough to just be still, we can hear from God. While I was driving, His quiet and peaceful spirit gifted me with a focused heart. My thoughts became less sporadic and everything seemed almost surreal. It was as though my mind manifested hope for what I had longed for, hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about for so many years, was about to happen. I could almost see the gears of God slipping into place to bring about Eddie’s salvation. Hope leaped! Faith soared! Peace came!

Looking through the eyes of faith, I knew that my prayers were about to be answered. Oh yes, I still prayed that God would heal his body and I knew Him to be the Healer, but I also knew that Eddie’s spiritual life was far more important than his physical life. My husband had yet to receive eternal life and that had kept me praying for him for more than 40 years. I had said to God many times, Whatever it takes Lord, let Your will be done.

I knew that God loved my husband even more than I did and that He was using the cancer to bring Eddie to a point in his life when he was faced with the knowledge that only God could help him. When we have come to the end of ourselves, the end of our hopes and dreams, the end of our ability to fix things, there is always God–waiting patiently, lovingly and willingly. This is where God was bringing my husband, to the end of himself, but with sufficient faith to trust God–finally. And God would be there waiting. He had been there all the time waiting for Eddie to say yes to His Son, Jesus.

The doctors had done all that they knew how to do, but it wasn’t enough. There were no medications that could make my husband well. In those quiet moments of driving, my heart settled down so it could be filled with faith and I could hear from God. I could sense that God was near and that He was in control of whatever happened. I could sense Him saying to me, Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10a NAS) Only when we are still and not striving can we hear from God. Seeing through the eyes of faith gives us new vision, new insight and fresh faith. My faith now looked to my Father who gave me His peace and comfort. I knew that I needed to yield the love of my life into His loving hands, and that He had an unshakable plan for Eddie’s salvation.

Long ago God confirmed to me that He would save my husband, and I trusted Him to do that. I continued driving and praying. I need Your grace to face what lies ahead of me. Help me to let go of my will and surrender my desires and plans to you. Help me to allow You to do Your blessed work in my husband’s heart. Lord I confess that I don’t know how to let go completely and that the fear of losing Eddie still grips me, but I trust You to teach me how to let go. I love my husband and I don’t know how to let him go. Teach me how to willingly yield him to You. I need You, Lord! Once more through the eyes of faith I could see the gears of God slipping into place. I drove without incident, constantly talking to God. He did part the traffic for me and He did it in record time.

Over the years I had prayed, read Scriptures and had sung songs that ministered to me and encouraged me: And while I could not sing at the moment, God’s Word was hidden deep in my heart. I continued to draw strength, reflecting on His promises that were whispered to me. I will keep you in perfect peace if you keep your mind on Me. There is nothing too hard for Me. I am long suffering and not willing that any should perish. Though you walk through the shadow of death, you have nothing to fear for I am with you. I am your strength, your strong tower. You are safe with Me. Draw close to Me. His promises were a comfort to my soul. He had been there for me throughout my life, and by faith I knew that He was with me as I drove.

Even though my mind was whirling, His strength and comfort surrounded me; a strength that I knew was not my own. It was a strength that allowed me to trust God at a time when life didn’t make any sense; when nothing or no one else could help–only God. I knew without a doubt that my husband was facing death without Christ, but I also knew without a doubt that God loved him and would save him. I especially claimed the Scripture that says, Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household. (Acts 16:31 NIV) Remembering God’s Word gave me added peace. His calmness that was settling my heart as I drove across the freeway caused me to know with a certainty that my husband would soon be saved. I cannot tell you how I knew he would be saved but I knew that he would be. I also now knew who would lead him to Christ–Pastor Dann Bryant.

All these thoughts, prayers, Scriptures, assurances and confirmations were coming to me as I drove and talked with God. His peace is so comforting for every circumstance and His grace is so sufficient when we need it. God filled me with faith to trust Him, even when facing the death of my husband, who had been the love of my life since I was a young teenager. At a time when I more than likely would have been falling apart, I wasn’t. I had peace and strength to endure, and if I felt that my strength was dwindling, I knew that I could run to my Father for more. His supply for whatever is needed is abundant and He never stops giving to His children from His storehouse of plenty. God sustained me and allowed me to be strength for my husband, and this would be new to me. He had always been the strength of our family and now our roles were reversed. He needed me and I would be there for him no matter the cost to me emotionally.

If God chose to take him, He would give me grace to willingly and graciously release Eddie into His loving hands. This grace, I would come to learn much later, is the grace that comes to us tailor-made for our circumstances. It is a specific kind of grace that we do not receive until we need it, but is always available and always designed specifically for us. God has a storehouse of grace for His children that is unlimited.

Sometimes trouble comes to us in many forms and our lives become disorganized, unstable, unpleasant and full of pain, so we question God. But the fact is, even when we don’t understand why bad things happen in our lives, He is still the Sovereign God. His ways are mysterious and can only be understood or accepted through the eyes of faith. When I don’t understand why He allows certain things to happen in my life; when I don’t understand His ways, His will, His plan, He is still my God. The very fact that I don’t always understand is evidence that He is God. The wisdom of God is without fault and cannot be completely understood by human intelligence; it is only through the eyes of faith. This was not the time to question God, although in my heart God knew as I did, that I did not fully understand what He had allowed. I confessed to Him that I did not know how to let go of my husband and that I could not even imagine life without him. But I also knew that when the time came to let go, my Heavenly Father would be there with tailor-made grace to show me how. God does things like that.

In record time and without incident, I pulled my car to a stop in front of our home and I jumped out to run to my husband. I spoke words of life to myself and to him as I ran inside the house. Eddie had finally agreed to go to the hospital. He knew that it was time for him to be admitted and he allowed us to finish dressing him, getting him buttoned into his coat and cover his now bald head with a cap. He had always had a head full of hair, and it felt sort of strange getting used to seeing him bald as a result of medications and treatments. As he stood he was so unstable that we feared he might fall, so we made sure to hold onto him.

Bryan, being a big guy, carried his dad down the five steps of our home and to the car. He buckled his dad in the front passenger seat as he would have done for a child. He was breathing hard and almost out of breath as he got into the back seat of the car and I got in the front seat to drive. Bryan said to no one in particular, I must be out of shape. Eddie answered back by saying, "You are out of shape but you carried me." That was a humorous moment even in the midst of the crisis we were facing. It helped to lighten the moment just a bit. Sometimes God allows for light moments in the midst of our heaviness to help ease the tension. All things needed come from Him. We drove to the hospital where I yielded the love of my life into the loving hands of the Savior who died for him and to the doctors who would do everything humanly possible to help him.

My Early Life

We lived in a very small town in Missouri. My father died when I was 4 years old and my mother died when I was 12. I can remember very little about my father except what he looked like and the memory of him taking me with him as he visited friends to chat. I would sit on his lap and expect candy or gum from him, which I usually got. I remember also that he suffered greatly from a leg injury, probably from some piece of farm equipment, as he was a farmer. My mother gave him injections for the pain that he endured until his death. My mother raised her two young daughters alone after my father died. She was the mother of four: a son and a daughter by her first marriage and two daughters by her second husband, which was my father. Her first two children, Kathryn and Thomas, were much older than my sister Cora and I, and already out on their own. My father had eight children by his first wife and they were all adults with their own families when I was born. I grew up with Cora, who was three years my senior.

Looking back, I am amazed that I even lived to see adulthood due to the numerous calamities and near death experiences that I suffered. At the age of 3, I ate some lye that my grandmother used for her laundry. She stuffed lard down my throat to ensure the lye didn’t do damage to my throat or remain in my stomach. It worked and I barfed until I thought my insides were coming out. Incredibly, I suffered no lasting effects from the lye, and needless to say, I never did that again. Another time I swallowed a marble and was choking. My grandmother grabbed me by my heels, turned me upside down and pounded my back so hard that I was certain I would die from being beaten to death. But the marble popped