A Brief History of the World

By Harry Sadd

A look at history like youve never see before. A quirky, often humorous look at the things that make us human. How did the pyramids come to be or how was chocolate made palatable .Its all in this book. From the earliest control of fire to the atomic bomb this book tells it all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493194841

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Copyright © 2014 by Harry Sadd.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4931-9485-8

                eBook            978-1-4931-9484-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Rev. date: 04/15/2014

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CONTENTS

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD

FIRE!!

THE FARMERS

WOMEN IN HISTORY

CLEOPATRA

LIVIA THE LEAN

BOUDICCA

HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE

JOAN OF ARC

SIR FRANCES DRAKE

QUEEN ELIZABETH I

THE EGYPTIANS

THE OLD KINGDOM

THE MIDDLE KINGDOM

THE NEW KINGDOM

MOSES AND THE LAW

THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

BABYLON

DANIEL

THE ANCIENT GREEKS

THE ROMANS

THE GAULS

LAWS

CINCINATA AND SULLA

PUNIC WARS

HANNIBAL

SULLA

JULIUS CAESAR

CLAUDIUS

CHRISTIANITY

EGYPT

NAZARETH

THE DARK AGES

THE FRANKS AND FEUDALISM

THE RENAISANCE

MICHELANGELO

JULIUS STARTS THE REFORMATION

COLONIALISM

A MUSICAL INTERLUDE

DEMOCRACY

THE AMERICANS

A LITERARY LAPSE

TWO SMALL MEN WITH BIG EGOS

THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

PAPER TRAIL

PAPER

WARS AGAIN

POSTSCRIPT

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD

The teaching of History has become a lost art practiced in very few schools and remembered by very few students. This is a pity because we all know that those who don’t know History are condemned to repeat, ad nauseum, the mistakes of the previous generation. As G.W.F. Hegel explained in 1800, People and governments never have learned anything from history… As a History major I have decided to do something about this appalling ignorance. This theory about people never learning anything from history is because they never study it. Take the most celebrated case of ignorance in the twentieth century as an example.

Hitler missed a few crucial history lessons as a youth. This is obvious as his conduct of World War II shows. First he signed a pact with Russia, when he knew all along he didn’t trust them. Next he allowed them to help themsleves to half of Poland and the Baltic republics. Burp! He forgot to sign the orders for the invasion of Britain then he quit and attacked Russia. Next he meddled in his general’s battle orders and got them all riled up. Finally he slept through the invasion of Normandy and awoke with a very bad headache as the allied tanks rumbled into Paris. No more nice vacations!

This proves that History is important, all of it not just some of it. Of course if you only memorize dates, places, kings and wars you won’t get very far. What you need to concentrate on are the mistakes that people like Hitler made and vow never to make them yourselves. I can see all of you solemnly swearing not to tackle Russia hastily. Of course if you really want to make a big impression you should shoot down eighty planes, like Baron von Richtofen then get shot down and killed yourself. This way no mere mortal act by you can tarnish your reputation and people will still be writing books about you a hundred years later. All of this will make you feel very good about yourself. All in all I do believe that this will be an informative course.

FIRE!!

The history of man goes back to the taming of fire. Before that it wasn’t history because he didn’t have any charcoal to write with. Now he had a fancy carbon pen that worked just fine on the walls of his cave. It’s rather curious how all this came to pass. About 10, 000 B.C. (that’s before Caesar for all you new age daters) the ice age was coming to a close and people started moving north. When they reached the edge of the retreating glacier they gasped, it sure was cold! Then they looked around for some way to keep warm. Since there were no trees and few shrubs, they went back to the tropics until the fateful day in 9, 066.

Two hunters, Oreo and Rion, were far from the cave when they came upon the remains of a forest fire. Rion, who was a rash sort of chap, sneaked up on a burning branch and captured it. Oreo stood back and waited for the fire god to strike his companion dead. Nothing happened. Rion bore the branch in triumph towards Oreo when a spark fell off the branch and onto his foot. This caused him to jump up and down, grab his foot and whoop and holler in pain. Oreo was most impressed. This was the best dance he’d ever seen and as he was clan master of the festival of movement he decided to adopt the fire dance. Ignoring poor old Rion who was still jumping up and down Oreo picked up the stick which obligingly dropped hot sparks on his foot too. Now they were both dancing around. When they recovered they took the branch back to the village and the subsequent festivities were a great hit.

While the fire was burning they made all sorts of new discoveries and man was well on his way towards the atomic bomb. The two hunters achieved everlasting fame in the constellation Orion. It isn’t every day a sign of the zodiac is named for someone.

Recently my family participated in a re-enactment of this momentous occasion but with drastically different results. After an autumn storm dumped a pile of leaves twenty feet high in my back yard I cleaned it up and my kids invited their friends over for the ritual disposition of leaves. We do this to placate the storm god. First we build a large pile of leaves and other odds and ends in an open part of the yard, burning your limbs is acceptable, burning the house down isn’t. Next we light the flammables and pile on more leaves sending a column of incense straight to the heavens. If you doubt my word that fire is ingrained in the human spirit just light a bonfire and watch the crowd gather. Kids of all ages will pick up brands of fire and wave them about just as Rion did. This pleases the gods and gets rid of a ton of stuff that would have to be carried to the dump. The resulting ashes fertilize the earth and all is well ; except for the fire department.

This curious entity, which has the efrontery to name itself after the fire god, actually runs about PUTTING OUT fires! Where I live it is still legal to appease the fire god, at least on Firedays and Saturdays. The local fire department, undoubtedly warned by a water rat, knows that I have a ton of leaves to burn. They also know that the leaves are a little green and couldn’t possible burn out by midnight. By eleven thirty Saturday night they have massed their fire engines secretly round the corner from my house waiting for the lights to go out.

As soon as I’m in bed and the witching hour has come they spring their trap. I shoot out of bed as four thousand fire engines, their sirens wailing, pull into my driveway and descend on my tiny fire. Four giant hoses concentrate their thousand gallon a minute hoses on my patch of garden causing the earth to erupt and my garden shed to leave it’s foundations and sail sedately down the street. I last saw it as it rounded Cattle point. An officious gentleman in a yellow jacket solemnly warns me that I am in violation of regulation 6170 of bylaw 31(1) by 45(2)(60 and 31 (2). Of course he doesn’t explain what the numbers mean!

Having made their daring raid they leave me standing in my dressing gown and slippers contemplating the ruin of my yard while the rain pours steadily down. My wife doesn’t dare put the kettle on for fear that they will notice the ruddy hue of the burner and exorcise it. I tell you it’s tough to get back to your roots in this day and age.

THE FARMERS

After a few millennia of experimenting with fire man progressed to burnt venison, boiled boar and fricasseed fowl. This was served with side dishes of wild rice, wild chestnuts, wild tubers and wild fenugreek all topped with various grasses to make a nice green show. While the men took their flint spears and axes out to mince mammoths the ladies were obliged to look high and low for pitifully small portions of these wild grains and tubers. It took them far from their caves and tents which meant that frequently they were set upon by wild beasts, particularly if the men were off hunting. The resulting scrapes and bruises led to the first women’s rebellion, though by no means the last, as the ladies protested the division of labour as being patently unfair. Not only did they have to find and prepare all the vegies they had to help butcher the meat as well. This left them very little time to sit comfortably at home and watch Days of our Cave.

No matter how hard the men protested that they had been far away from home for many moons bringing home the bison the women stuck to their guns and demanded that the grass be brought closer to the cave or else the men would have to do it themselves or provide an escort. That’s how the first escort services were started.

So they tried that but now the quantity of meat dropped and there were few of them who wanted to become vegetarians. One day, April 25 th., 9055 B.C. to be precise, the wise old shaman of the tribe was out pondering this problem when he stumbled accross an old abandoned garbage dump. Wonder of wonders the grasses grew here in profusion from the garbage thrown out from previous years. They looked so tasty that Melkorfu, that was his name, sat down and began nibbling while pondering this riddle. In a great leap of imagination he could see the little heads of the grasses that were eaten thrown onto the ground then this patch of all the grasses his people ate appearing in what had been an empty parking lot, for bones that is. Melkorfu grabbed a handful of each type of grain and slapped it in his little leather pouches then headed back to the cave for an interesting experiment.

First he dug up a small plot of ground in a secluded spot near the cave then planted the seeds in neat rows. Next he made a barbed bone fence arround the plot, wire not having been invented, to keep stray animals and people out. Being a shaman he carved mystic symbols onto a broad blade bone which we have managed to translate as : Don’t come here or you shall smart for it! Always leave a threat open ended so that the reader can visualize a fate worse than death.

Being a shaman was a busy occupation and Melkorfu forgot about his little plot until the following spring. When he visited the place he received a nasty shock, the latrine patrol had mistaken his sign for that of a dump zone and had deposited a foot of manure on the place. That stupid nincompoop had flunked sign reading 101 which was why he was on waste control. Melkorfu found the hapless man and chewed him out for half an hour before sending him off to the store room to find some more seeds. Next he had him dig a new plot so that they could start all over again. He even made him weed the little plot all summer long. This time the seeds came up and grew but when the time came to harvest the crop it was certainly convenient but there wasn’t much grain. The women all laughed at him and made jokes about how he could have collected four times that much in one day if he had just gone out to the wild.

Melkorfu was steamed! It was hot and his temper was just a trifle frayed. He went off in a huff and found himself at the edge of the abandoned plot with its bones now bleached and white. There he stopped in stunned amazement. The grain hadn’t died after all. There were these huge plants nearly twice as tall as normal, bearing even larger kernels than anyone had ever seen before. He brought his harvest home in triumph and now all the women gathered around in amazement and ooed and aahed over the size of the kernels. Being a smart chappie he put two and two together and modern agriculture was well on its way. He instantly promoted the latrine flunky to master of fertilization, saved half the seeds and began making bigger and bigger plots until all the land around the cave was cultivated and manured.

In this manner did Melkorfu the Magnificent solve two of the tribes most vexing problems, food and female uprisings. This left more time for the men to sit around watching football games and drinking beer. Now all the women were put to work planting crops and weeding while the men stood around and watched. They still had to go out and bring home the beef but that little domestic squabble was permanently laid to rest. The men were so grateful they built Melkorfu a magnificent house on the site of the first garden plot so that he could look out over the whole farm. Thus it was that the first villages were constructed and man settled down in one place for the long climb towards civilization.

WOMEN IN HISTORY

My eleven year old son now reads the comics in the papers so we share the triumphs and laughter of these characters. A week ago Mary Worth was replaced by Sally Forth who ‘sallied forth’ on history. Her contention was that all history was written by the men, for the men and about the men and therefore was completely biased. History needed to be re-written, without those silly wars so that’s what we are going to do in this next chapter. Apart from the various goddesses, there are very few women who stand out in the first three thousand years of history. There was Boedicea, Livia, Joan of Arc, Cleopatra and a couple of others. As befits the most famous woman in history we will start with Cleo and work our way to modern times. All of you who hated history in school are going to thank me and the ‘women’s rewriting guild.’ All those tedious kings, wars and football games are gone and you can concentrate on the REAL HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

CLEOPATRA

All hail! Queen of Egypt, beloved of the Nile god, ruler of an ancient kingdom, bewitcher of Caesar, Antony, etc, etc. Fall down and do obeisance to the mighty heir of pharaohs.

Now that’s the sort of language any girl likes to hear and Cleopatra was no different from any well bred woman, excuse me!, Lady, of the day. Now Cleo was one of those smart ladies who know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so when Julius arrives to settle the matter of who shall rule the county, she or her brother, she whips off to the kitchen to prepare a special recipe. Meanwhile back at the palace Caesar was having a hard time getting Ptolmey to listen to reason. He was supposed to share the throne with his sister but his idea of sharing was to put her in the kitchen while he played with the army.

Now listen. Caesar began, Just you see that all the grain you produce finds its way safely to Rome. The senate is getting hungry and you know that hungry men are hard to deal with. Oh! And while you’re at it hand over Pompey so that he can attend my triumph in Rome.

As you wish. Guard, bring in my present to Caesar.

So the guard returns bringing with him Pompey’s head in a box. This didn’t improve Caesar’s appetite which is a poor way to influence the greatest general of your time. It was so bad that Ptolmey and all his advisors left in a huff while poor old Julius got thinner due to his lost appetite. Cleopatra seized her chance and snuck into the palace after dark bearing the most delicious treats imaginable. She began with her favourite, duck l’orange with savory bread stuffing and fresh vegies followed by fig pudding and three types of wine. Well even Caesar’s weak stomach was no match for this culinary attack. After two days of being fattened up by Cleo he returns to his normal pugilistic self and orders his men to join Cleopatra’s kitchen staff and sets out to rout poor old Ptolmey. This is what comes of upsetting a man’s tummy.

The Romans lined up in their famous turtle formation which looked just like an armor plated porcupine, and charged. Ptolemey’s men took one look and froze. They dropped their arms and Yelled Don’t prick us! (That was their equivalent to ‘don’t shoot’) This is why, to this very day, we call that sort of action ‘turning turtle’. Ptolmey ran so fast he forgot to look where he was going and fell into the Nile and drowned. All his men were killed or captured and he was dead which is why we call this sort of a disaster, ‘being anNilelated.’

Caesar places the gratefull Cleopatra on the throne and sends off most of the grain to Rome where they are starving. This earns Caesar double bonus points. (He put them on his air miles card and got a free trip to Greece where the two of them spent their honeymoon.) As master of the Roman world he wanted to go back to Rome but Cleopatra kept baking those great goodies so he decided to stay just a bit longer.

By this time she had also ‘baked’ a baby and when she bore him a son you knew he wasn’t going to leave her side. Hey! They made a great pair even if the Roman senate wasn’t too fond of the union. When Caesarion was three they decided to take the boy on a sight seeing tour of the Mediterranean ; stops at Crete, Tyre, Athens and Rome. This last stop turned out to be an unmitigated disaster when several rowdy senators stabbed Caesar in the back leaving Julius all alone calling out Et tu, you brute!

Cleopatra left Rome in a hurry with all her plans in ruins, not to mention her make up. Once back in Alexandria Cleopatra went back to her kitchen to see what new delicacies she could concoct for the next Roman suitor. It didn’t take Antony long to smell the goodies in the oven so he hopped on the next ship to see what was cooking ; apple pies and date squares as it turned out. See those apples men take from women are still getting them into trouble. Cleo carefully concocted the right stews to hold the ruler of half the world in her sway. As he grew fatter and lazier she began to take over large chunks of the empire which didn’t make the folks back in Rome too happy. It didn’t make Antony’s wife happy either. Octavion used the insult to his sister as an excuse to grab the whole pie and soon the fat was in the fire.

The two forces met in the Battle of Actium where Octavion sucked Antony into a trap like a fork full of spaghetti. They made mincemeat of his fleet and turned it into more sauce for the spaghetti, creating the first real Italian meal. Antony did what all noble Romans were expected to do under the circumstances, ate too much and died of apoplexy. Poor old Cleopatra was left trying to make a meal out of left overs to tempt Octavion but failed. He was like many men today who groan when their wives serve up leftovers for dinner. In the end she held an asp (that’s a type of a snake you dirty minded boy) to her bosom and cheated Octavion of his triumph. This made him so angry that he had his cousin Caesarion executed, for health reasons, his own. Thus ended the reign of Egypts last pharoh and leads us on to another famous woman who perfected the art of ruling through a man’s stomach. The true story of Livia when famous women in history returns.

LIVIA THE LEAN

After Octavion defeated Antony and Cleo he returned to Rome and consolidated his hold on the Roman Empire with the help of his wife, Livia. Don’t go scrambling to your books for information on Livia, she doesn’t even merit a word in the encyclopedia, so you’ll just have to rely on what her nephew had to say. Now if you’re really interested you can read I Claudius, nah that would require a bit of work, better that you let me condense it a bit.

Behind every successful man is a woman and Augustus, that’s what Octavion callled himself after ascending the throne, wouldn’t have merited the title if Livia hadn’t been there to push and pull him in the right direction. She knew what every good computer operator knows today that knowledge is power so she set about to create the most extensive spy network in the world. To do this she invented an elaborate secret code which no one but she and Augustus knew. Then she set up agents throughout the empire that reported to her and fed the fires of her lust for power ; it’s amazing what you can do when hubby is the supreme dictator of the known world.

Of course she didn’t neglect the home front. No one knew more about the goings on in Rome than she did. This enabled her to slyly bake pies and tarts of varying degrees of potency to influence those around her. Sad to say but many of her patrons died of various stomach ailments which they wouldn’t have if they had just done what she told them to do. Tsk. Tsk

She was even tougher with her own children. When her daughter, Julia, was caught in adultery Augustus was so upset that he let Livia chose the place of her banishment and never even asked about her for five years. Poor old Augustus went into his bedroom, locked the door and wept for a full week. All goes to show what a large effect daughters have on their fathers. When he found out she had been on an island the size of two floating turtles even he had a fit. Well at least she got a larger island.

Livia arranged to have his two adopted sons Gaius and Lucius sent to important posts then arranged interesting desert menus. Pretty soon, surprise, surprise, there was no one left but her son, Tiberius, to rule the empire. When Augustus died she kept right on ruling through her spy network and Tiberius didn’t dare to interfere. This was why he retreated to Capris where he spent his days in debauchery until she died by which time it was too late to do anything about the Empire. That’s what happens when women meddle in the affairs of state and try to consolidate power, the men quit and spend their time carousing and wenching, which isn’t good for the nation’s health.

Now the morals of this tale, for all of you who are keen on seeing the women run the show, are twain. First of all imagine what the lot of women would be like if you really got your way and ran the whole show. No woman would be safe from the machinations of another. Secondly all the men would lie back and enjoy life and you would never get them away from the football games to fight another war. Of course with all the women in the military you could always do it yourselves.

BOUDICCA

In 54 B.C. Julius Caesar crossed the channel and invaded England and faced those blue dyed Celts for the first time. Here the Celts learned that woed was a poor substitute for armor and Caesar’s legions routed them. Feeling very pleased with himself he sent a telegram to the Roman senate informing them of his success. Veni, vedi. vici. it read qualifying it in the Guiness book of records for the shortest victory telegram on record. Even though Caesar came, saw and conquered, it was not for another hundred years, in 55 A.D., that the real conquest of Britain was attempted.

After twelve years the Romans had conquered most of southern Britain and were well on their way to subduing Wales. It seems that