Everything I Wish I'd Said

By Kate Gunnip

This book is something I think sums up high school, drug abuse, first love and first loss pretty well. I learned from both writing and re-reading my work that life happens and that we cannot change other people, only ourselves. I hope my writing helps you with whatever it is you may be going through right now. And remember, life is worth it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493171897

Book preview

Everything

I Wish

I’d Said

Kate Gunnip

Copyright © 2014 by Kate Gunnip.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4931-7188-0

                 eBook            978-1-4931-7189-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 02/18/2014

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

552842

Contents

Hello.

Inhale.

12-10-12

I want to feel passionate.

I cannot begin to tell you.

Listen to me.

Hello.

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My mind is a jail cell.

Locked,

Surrounded by iron bars.

The keys rattle outside.

I hear them,

I see them,

But—I cannot reach them.

The gate is locked.

This is what’s inside.

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Before I begin copying down my life onto a blank sheet of computer screen, I feel it is only appropriate to introduce myself.

My name is Kate Gunnip. As of today I am 16 years old, a junior at a large high school in Stamford Connecticut and am pretty depressed.

I don’t use correct English, there are going to be plenty of grammatical errors in this, but you’re still reading it, right?

This book is mostly my poetry with the occasional passage explaining the message I want to send behind it. But, if there is no explanation its open for your interpretation.

I felt, without an introduction, this book would make little to no sense. Either way it’s probably going to be confusing and make no sense. There is no story line or order of events. There are no reasons I wrote what I wrote, it was what I was feeling at the time of creation and some things cannot be stopped.

Imagine my writing as a river, sometimes slow and paced and other times rampaging destroying everything in its path.

Welcome to my reality.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed (and sometimes didn’t enjoy) living it.

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Inhale.

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Exhale.

123

321

2

It stays the same.

1 & 3 switch, 2 does not change.

Everybody wants to be 2.

12345

54321

Now you want be 3.

Right?

Well you can only be 1 number

So pick.

2 or 3?

In some way, both will have to change, it’s inevitable.

* * *

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12-10-12

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Suffocation.

A plastic bag.

Duct tape.

A pillow to the face.

Air leaving.

Vanishing.

Running away.

Gasping.

Grasping.

Failing.

Falling.

I need to escape,

Get out.

Vanish.

Miles, miles, away.

Freedom, destiny, hope.

Lost hope.

There’s nothing left for me.

Not here.

Not there.

I am alone.

I stand alone.

And so I must leave.

* * *

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I want to feel passionate.

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I want to feel loved.

I want someone to jump through hoops for me.

To want to.

To be so in love, nothing else matters.

To lie in the greenest, sweetest spring grass.

Hear the birds, high pitched, happy.

Feel the sun on my face, warming me.

His hand grasping mine.

His smile on my lips.

Soft, gentle, real.

Without fear or hurt.

To feel loved an awful and wonderful adventure.

To feel loved is like the 1st warm spring day.

Seeing the bright green leaves blossom.

Vibrant purple flowers emerge.

After a long, grey winter.

To feel passion is the hottest summer day.

With blazing sun and boiling water, you cannot escape

The heat.

Fall is the beginning of the end.

Winter breaks a warm heart in half.

Freezing it. Killing it.

As the seasons pass, life does too.

* * *

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I cannot begin to tell you.

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How much

It hurts

It stings

It punches.

I will never understand.

Why? How? Who?

Never be able to convey.

My

Feelings & thoughts

Honestly.

* * *

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Listen to me.

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Listen really close.

I was there.

I was always there.

I will always be there.

Even when I don’t want to be or you don’t want me to be.

It is who I am.

It is not easy.

It will never be easy.

Life is not easy.

Love is not easy.

It will be a struggle.

A constant struggle.

It will come in waves,

Some mellow, easy to swim through

Some like a hurricane.

Taking all your effort

All your strength.

But at least try.

Get off your back and try for me.

I am trying.

Why don’t you?

I care.

Why don’t you?

I want this, you, so much.

Why don’t you?

I can only speak for myself,

Assert my own voice.

But I don’t.

Perhaps I’ll run away.

Get in my car and drive to nowhere.

Stop at every exit that says

Museum of cats!

Or

World’s largest pumpernickel bagel!

Maybe

I’ll figure out who I am and can be

On my destination-less journey.

I won’t know anyone

I cannot predict my future and I cannot undo my past.

And every second the present is changing and I am changing with it.

I want to be happy

And I will be.

I just have to figure out how to get there

And where there is,

* * *

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When time stops.

When the world halts.

When the clocks stop ticking.

The waves stop crashing.

Your heart stops beating.

I will be there.

I will always help you back up.

No matter how many times, how badly, you hurt me.

I wish I had that.

Someone who knew me inside and out.

Who, without a second thought,

Would get on a plane and travel to me if and when I needed him.

Someone who wanted me as much, as bad, as I wanted them.

Someone who loved me.

For my flaws.

My quirks

My sadness

My guilt

My optimism

My spark

My hope.

Who wouldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t leave me.

Who would make me laugh, when I least wanted to.

Smile,

When it seemed impossible.

I will find him

And when I do,

He won’t let me go.

* * *

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Breathe in.

Hold.

Exhale clouds.

Repeat.