C H a R L E S Spy Extraordinaire: The Life and Times of Charles: Book Ii

By Dryfuss W. Driftwood

CHARLES—SPY EXTRAORDINAIRE

Awaiting the reader is humorous adventure;
satire and surprise are rampant—

Each chapter finds our spy extraordinaire overcoming bad guy spies who are endangering world peace. With headquarters in The Hague, Holland, the International Good-guy Spy Agency enlists our noble Charles and his companions.
Enjoy the bizarre as Charles comes upon the unforeseen and cleverly thwarts his adversaries:
In search of the Egyptian Kid’s Mummy: Charles and companions visit ancestral tombs of the Kid’s ancient grand mummies. They must find his present day mummy’s lost inheritance. The Kid’s present day mummy really needs the dough.
The Piccadilly Murders: Murder—was the cry that night at London’s famous Piccadilly Circus. Charles discovers the dark and devious plans that have been consuming members of the renowned Piccadilly family.
In Banana Farewell: the Island’s vast banana harvest has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. The authorities have gone bananas searching. Charles and Schultz must act quickly before the whole world is overcome by banana based powerful laughing gas.
Charles has gained much experience in international intrigue and also in just plain fooling around. . . . You, Dear Reader, are invited to accompany him; follow right alongside and enjoy. Boy! How can you even think of staying home!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493156412

Dryfuss W. Driftwood

During the 1950s, the author worked with the television comedy industry of that era. There, his love for humor acquired expression from the genius of the renowned comedians of that day. That experience built into him, or rather, brought out what was built in him, a deep-seated, terrible sense of humor! Later, he spent many years residing in Europe and in the U.S. With this personal experience background, he was capable of weaving his humor into many of life’s situations.

Book preview

CHARLES-

SPY

EXTRAORDINAIRE

The Life and

Times of Charles

Book II

Dryfuss W. Driftwood

(R.O. Gunther)

Copyright © 2014 by Dryfuss W. Driftwood.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/16/2022

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

552346

CONTENTS

Prologue

Chapter 1. The Return of Charles—Charles’ Return

Chapter 2. The Very Non-suspicious Visitor

Chapter 3. The International Good-guy Spy Training School

Chapter 4. Operation De Gaulstone

Chapter 5. The Russian Nuclear Hangover [Russian Roulette]

Chapter 6. Internal Affairs

Chapter 7. In Search of the Egyptian Kid’s Mummy

Chapter 8. The Piccadilly Murders

Chapter 9. Banana Farewell

Chapter 10. The Hong Kong Gesture

Chapter 11. The Driftwood Defamation Trial

Chapter 12. Gone!—Went With The Wind

Chapter 13. Slaughter on Twelfth Avenue

Chapter 14. Reunion

Chapter 15. The View From The Damned—

Chapter 16. Requiem, Revival—and Then Some . . .

PROLOGUE

Those of you who have known Charles in the past should be very well apprehensive as to what awaits you here in his continued Life and Times. Charles is a little older now, which obviously you might expect due to the ravages of time. But, be forewarned—he is wiser, sharper and much more capable of meeting challenges than ever before. And to be especially noted here is that the advancing years did not change his strange-type thinking ability that so often and remarkably provided his escape when found to be in harm’s way. This means, Dear Precious Reader that you are in for more, much more than before.

But, alas! Alas! Alas! We have come upon a somewhat sad note at this point in time . . . . If it be by any outright but involuntary fault of your own, you find yourself among the unfortunate few who are going to be following Charles’ adventures for the first time; you are sure to find yourself at a loss. Left back so to speak; starting off without knowing what was behind, you might say.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding and without any overwhelming regret, do not fret. If per chance, you have not had the good fortune to have already followed The Life and Times of Charles—hold on, we will not forsake you. I promise to make a gigantic effort to help you along. We will try to key you in; help you catch-up; pick-you-up from behind; so that you may better enjoy the immense pleasure and sheer delight of what follows . . . . In this way, your past failure will not be too much of a deterrent to the clear and present enjoyment that now awaits you.

So as to accomplish this feat of bringing you up-to-date, I include, right after this prologue that of The Life And Times of Charles. In this way, you can gain the necessary insight into the intricacies of the work. That prologue is entitled: Important!—Before Embarkation.

Now, however, after all of that is over and done with, you will need a little insight concerning what is about to take place. Charles, the historic figure that he has come to be; has seen and fought evil throughout the world. His superior prowess and somewhat strange sense of awareness have permitted him to face and win-out over the forces of evil. This being the case, Charles has gained much experience in international intrigue and also in just plain fooling around.

He is eager and anxious to get back to work. Straining at the reins, he is; raring to go, you might say. His vacation ended, being put behind, and to the rear; we now launch: Charles—Spy Extraordinaire.

But, now, Dear Reader, a surprise clarification is necessary before continuing. Really, Dryfuss W. Driftwood is not my real name. Oh! Don’t be dismayed, rattled, ruffled or whatever. My real name is as you see it on the cover. Yes, that’s really me; so that Dryfuss W. Driftwood is my fictitious, penman, you see. I have come out into the open, revealed my true identity; come in from the cold, so to speak. However, so as to preserve my alias, Dryfuss W. Driftwood, I have decided to keep using it as Charles’ author, as it appears throughout the narrative.—DWD

Prologue to: The Life And Times of Charles:

Important!—Before Embarkation

Dear prospective Reader: we wish to introduce you to: The Life And Times of Charles. But, before embarking on your adventure with our hero, you must first be aware of the vital signs so as to be assured of maximum enjoyment in your proposed travels with Charles. Be it known that the following pages are designed to present you with humor and adventure—humorous adventure, if you please. Your author’s purpose is to attempt to provide you with a few moments of relief from the tension of modern living.

Charles’ unique personality and astonishing ability win out over the bad-guys. This is satire; this is comic book. You will be with Charles in modern New York City, then, you will jaunt through Sherwood Forest headed for the mythical kingdom of Thanks-a-lot. Indeed, you will fearfully find yourself riding with Charles right into the middle of the Indian wars in the American Wild West. What do you think of that—? But finally, it’s the good-guy spies against the bad-guy spies; as Charles is impelled into their present world of intrigue and deception.

Of course, our hero invites you to join him in his exciting encounters; but be careful—don’t get in his way!

Now for that uncertain, but greatly desired thing called humor. The adventure itself is comedy. But it is felt that this is not sufficient to satisfy your need for humor. Along the way the narrative is punctuated with choice, tidbit sort of explanatory notes which are designed to be helpful—well, maybe. And furthermore, you must be alert to perceive the innuendoes, contradictions, anachronisms, a few originally composed word-forms and poetry that you will find scattered along the way. Oh, how delightful; this is another crack at humor. Then, too, some familiar-type characters will happen upon the scene and join our adventurer.

These, then, are the vital signs that must be discerned if your travels with Charles are to be successful. Oh! What choice times await you, Dear Reader, as your precious little eyes anxiously direct you through The Life And Times of Charles . . . .

Now, we are just about ready; if you are. Read, watch and enjoy the bizarre as Charles comes upon the unforeseen and cleverly thwarts his adversary. Therefore, nevertheless and notwithstanding, you the reader, with absence of malice; but with caution in mind, are invited to accompany Charles. So, sit back, follow right alongside and enjoy a few moments of refreshment from the seriousness of life. Boy! How can you even think of staying home . . . .

Your Author:

R. O. Gunther

Alias: Dryfuss W. Driftwood

CHAPTER 1

The Return of Charles—Charles’ Return

Charles looked around to gain his whereabouts and checked himself all over to see just where about he was. His self-readout completed, he found that he was just about where he should be. That is—about to board the Julio Cesar.

The year vacation at home with his parents had ended; he longed to get back to work. How have the boys been doing minding the mine? The telephone conversations were positive; but Charles wanted to get back into action. It would be the Julio Caesar that would carry him from his beloved home in Worcester in his jolly old England, to his second home—Bechuwanaland, West Africa, his diamond mines.

So then, climb aboard anxious voyagers!

All hands on deck! Up anchor! Raise the gangplank! Everybody off the gangplank!"—the whole gang rushed to get off.

The Italian liner cast off its moorings, and Port Liverpool slowly began to drift behind . . . .

Note: Before we precede, Dear Reader, a bit of insight concerning the Julio Cesar is thought to be helpful at this point. It is to be understood that in the event that the renowned capitáne, Jessepe Fula-Balony, was knock-ed-a-himself off-a de bot-a and he fall-a overboard; Asst. Capitáne, Ronzoni Spumony-Balony, brother-in-law of Fula-Balony, was ready to a-replace-a-him, a Fulla-Balony.

—An initial bit of insight from your author, Dryfuss W. Driftwood.

Charles was just stepping off at the top of the gangplank when the announcement was heard: Atencione! Atencione! This is a your Capitán-e Jessepe Macarone Fula-Balony. We-a tell-a you now . . . everybody off-a da gang-a plank! Everybody off-a da gang-a plank! We gonna raise-a the gang-a-plank. Please-a-everybody-off-a the gang-a-plank, now-a . . . .

With that announcement, of course, the whole gang hurried to get off! Charles was among the last few boarders to do so. Some, however, did not understand the captain’s broken English and were not aware of the order. Well, as Fula Balony saw this, he rushed down to get-a everyone off-a the gang-a-plank. But, so excited was he that; what do you know! He slipped . . . wavered a little off balance; he fell overboard! Immediately, people yelled and cried for help: Man overboard . . . ! Man overboard . . . !

Asst. Capitáne, Spumony-Balony, heard the commotion; leaned far out over the deck rail, saw what happened and immediately took-a charge. He called out: Atencione! Atencione! This is-a Spumony-Balony your assistant capitáne talk-a to you! No getta excited nobody, keep-a calm-a, we take-a care of everyting.

Then, he gave orders to the crew: This is Spamony-Balony, your assistant capitáne. Your Captain-e Fula-Balony a fall-a off-a overboard. All-a hands on-a deck, lower de life-a bota! All-a searcha for Fula-Balony . . . !

Emergency lifesaving procedures were quickly underway. Eyes strained as they peered into the dark swirling waters below. Ears strained amidst the clamor of the many excited voices; but there was no sight or sound as yet from the watery depth.

Then, there it was! A splashing about . . . and a voice calling wildly: This is-a your capitán-e, Jessepe Marcony Fula-Balony. I’m-a fall-a in the water, catchem a-me somebody please-a. I’m-a getting all-a wet . . . .

Spumony-Balony, now yelled down to Fula-Balony: You don’t-a worry, Fula-Balony, I, a, Spumony-Balony, a save-a you.

And so, he and they did; and a very wet Fula-Balony was hauled aboard ship. On throwing a blanket over the very dripping, short, pasta-bellied captain; Spumony-Balony commented, Hey! You very lucky fella, Fula-Balony, all-a de Rice-arony you eat save-a you life. You big-a belly keep-a you a float-a. Heh!

Hey! Never you mind! Who push-a mi off-a de boat-a? Heh, tell-a mi dat! Who push-a mi off-a de boat, heh?

Nobody push-a you off-a de boat; you full a balony. You slip-a an fall-a. You fall-a off-a de boat you self, Fula-Balony!

Well, they squabbled; Charles saw that it would be good for him to intervene: Eh . . . excuse me Gentlemen . . . yes, Captain, I was there; and you just slipped and fell off the gang plank, while you were trying to get the whole gang off. That’s what happened, Captain, that’s all.

Looking Charles over, he saw that he had lost his argument and would have to shamefully accept the blame. All-a right-a, I take-a you word. You look-a lik-a nice-a-boy.

Loud chimes sounded-out over the loudspeaker; and then the announcement: Atencione, Atencione, this is a you Capitáne Fula-Balony decla-ra supper is-a being ser-ved a now, por favore . . .

Dear Reader, a quiet note here just to balance out my use of the word, loud in the above statement, Loud chimes sounded-out over the loudspeaker. If it was a loudspeaker and indeed it was; then the chimes heard would obviously sound loud. What do you think? And, also, it would be proper for them to be loud, so that they could be heard. Right? Some guys don’t hear too well, you know.

My clarification here is just to subdue any negative criticism concerning my use of the adjective, loud. Some of our more literary readers may feel that its use here is superfluous. All right—let’s get on with it . . . .—Your helpful, Drifty.

From what Charles could make out, it seemed that it was time for dinner. So he left his stateroom and proceeded to the dining room by means of the anti-room, which crossed just above the boiler room. As he did so, he passed the storeroom; that was evidently the room where the stores would be stored. Soon, having passed the Purser’s room, he arrived at the dining room, anxious to consume a fine Italian meal.

Well, now, as it so happened, that evening Charles was to receive a very pleasant surprise. Passengers began arriving and taking seats. Charles found a small table and sat down on a seat, of course. In this area of the dining room, he found himself quite alone except for the gentleman seated at the table behind him. Since their backs faced each other, they, therefore, as it would follow, could not see each other. They each sat with their faces facing in the opposite direction from the other’s back.

Oh, Dear wonderful, but perhaps, slightly susceptible Reader, by this very detailed description of the positions of the two seated gentlemen; I tried to help you see the situation as it actually existed. I realized that it may have been difficult for some of you to perceive. So, for those of you who have concentration difficulties, please, try hard. For the rest, please pardon the delay caused by my real, heartfelt, desire to help my less-fortunate readers. Oh, do now, please carry on.—Your Author.

As Charles perused through the Menu, he overheard the conversation as the waiter came over to take the order from the fellow whose back was toward Charles and whose face was facing away from Charles’ back.

The waiter was heard to ask: Wall-a you want-a to eat, Señore . . . ?

It appeared to Charles from the pause that followed, that the passenger was having difficulty understanding the Italian Menu.

The silence prompted the waiter to ask, You wanna som-a Ministroni? Es-a especial of Capitáne Fula-Balony.

A few seconds more of silence passed, and the gentleman exclaimed, Well . . . I don’t know. Look, Young Fellow, just give me a hamburger, okay!

Charles then glanced behind, and watched the waiter helplessly reply, Look-a Mister, we no hav-a hamburger. This is a ship-a Italiana, no Americana. No hav-a ham-a burger y hot-a dog-a. We have pizza; you want-a, maybe, una pizza? Our-a pizza very good. Come-a right from-a da Leaning Tower of Pisa. Maybe you wana dat-a, maybe, huh . . . ?

Well, now, Charles thought that it was about time for him to step in and come to the aid of the, now frustrated, gentleman behind. Being, as he was, a very helpful, courteous, kind, clean, and willing-type, person; he turned in his seat, and tapped the shoulder of the man whose back was facing him. The gentleman, of course, was still facing away from the direction from where Charles’ back had been facing. And, so, as he turned in response they faced each other—face to face. That is to say, both at the same time they found themselves looking at each other’s face. And what do you know! Astonishment uncontrolled! Realization disbelieved! Sudden overwhelming joy; they both recognized each other! Both, at the same time, loudly exclaimed:

You! Why—it’s you! How could it be you . . . here?

Well of all people, you, Driftwood!

You! Charles! How in the world . . . ?

There they were, for a moment entranced, staring at each other face to face; Charles and his very imaginative, author, Dryfuss W. Driftwood. Their faces glowed with surprise and great delight.

Well, what do you know! cried Driftwood. Who would expect to find you, Charles, here on the same ship with me . . . here, now—incredible.

The immediate and mutual recognition of each, and by each, was a very happifing moment for them. Without hesitation, both men stood and embraced in hearty comradeship. It was Driftwood who made Charles world famous.

Dear, Precious, Reader, Charles had become a worldwide adventurous figure of some fame. Anyone following his travels as author Driftwood recounted them in his adventurous novel entitled: The Life and Times of Charles, was well informed of that.

Charles was known for his extraordinary mental and physical prows. The public learned of his overcoming enemy figures throughout the world. In the cities of the world, he was the talk of the town. On the oceans wide, he was the talk of the high seas. On the continents of the world, he was the top most continental figure. Why, even on the trail of the lonesome pine, in the mountain ranges and forests of the earth, his name was echoed through the valleys and canyons. Old geezers, trappers, miners, mountain men, if you please; through bites of jerky and helpings of baked beans shoveled into whisker-lined mouths would relate tales of the famous Charles.

Yes, Driftwood did all of this for him; Charles was very modest about it and obliged.—DWD

Driftwood, himself, was a stalwart man. Aging now, graying, he still carried himself well. A fine figure of a man, he was. A huge smile covered his broad face as he examined Charles. They were both overjoyed at this wonderful, per-chance encounter.

On sitting down at Drifty’s table; there, then, ensued a two hour session of eating and reminiscing . . . .

Please note, oh, excited Reader, the important duel activity stated in this last sentence. I wish to explain here that, of course, the two hour session was carried on in alternating interior and exterior stages, as the more cognoscente reader among you might imagine. The interior stage occurred while eating, and the exterior while conversing.

Also to be noted is that they were now facing each other due to the fact that they were now seated across from each other at the same table. Each of their backs, as one might conclude, was now facing the opposite direction from each other’s face. This, thus, meant for both of them a very significant change in position. Don’t you agree . . . ? Please do try to keep up.—DWD

Look, Charles, this waiter can’t speak English well; and I don’t know a word of Italian!

Charles smilingly took the Menu and asked Driftwood what he wanted. Well, both Drifty and the waiter were thankful for that. Charles suggested, he try Spaghetti Alfredo. Driftwood concurred and also ordered steak, medium rare. Charles asked the waiter for the same and a bottle of Louie the XIV, Vintage 86, red.

They ate, talked and ate. This very pleasant arrangement was carried on according to the procedure explained above.

You know, Charles, getting his attention, I researched the origin of the pizza that the waiter offered. And, just wait till I tell you what I discovered—you won’t believe it, Old Boy. Just listen:

You make it sound interesting, Drifty, start talking.

Well, There’s this small town in Italy named Pisa" The town is famous for its tower—it leans, Charles; can you imagine that . . . ? It’s called the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It has been leaning for years; now, from top to bottom it’s leaning about sixteen feet! The tower could fall down any minute; and has been closed to tourists. About eight hundred tons of lead ingots are being installed at the base to counter the tower’s precarious inclination."

Wow! Drifty, I’ve heard of the tower, of course, but I never realized it was that bad. But, what does all this have to do with pizza?

"That is precisely where pizza was discovered; and it happened purely by chance. Listen to this, Charles. It was in the restaurant kitchen of the Leaning Tower of Pisa where the chef, Fat Louie, was cleaning up for the night. For some time now, Fat Louie would walk with sort of a lean to the left side. This was due to the strain on his back trying to walk upright while working in the leaning kitchen of the leaning building. In fact, Fat Louie was so accustomed to walking with a lean that, even after leaving work, he would still walk that way.

Poor guy, work related hazard, injected, Charles.

"At any rate, one night, Fat Louie noticed a mass of left-over dough on the counter. Due to the leaning factor of the room, it was slowly rolling toward the edge and to the floor. On grabbing at the mass, he tried to pick it up, but it would bend and stretch in his grasp. Finally, frantically, he was able to gather it and throw it down on the leaning counter where it there spread out in a round mass. On doing so, however, his elbow hit a leaning can of tomato sauce. Well, as might be expected, the sauce leaned right over and spilled onto the round mass of dough and spread throughout; this, due to the natural leaning gravitational pull. See the picture, Charles? Looking down at the round tomato covered mass of dough; Louie thought that a little Mozzarella would be nice. He then leaned pieces of the cheese all over the pie, shoved it into the oven and waited . . . . It smelled good; it looked good. He removed it and took a bite. Top gourmet Louie felt that a little oregano would taste good. He sprinkled the spice on—and bono, the first pizza!"

Well! That’s new to me, Drifty; a leaning pizza, but hard to eat, no?

Right, Charles, and until another method was found; it had to be served on tables that were built to lean the other way. That’s what the report stated. So, now, Fat Louie is making pizza in his own kitchen—and it doesn’t lean. What he hasn’t yet been able to correct, however, is his own body lean; so Leaning Fat Louie carries on. Even his twelve kids have inherited the lean. How’s that for food emporium type, somewhat tragic history?

Indeed, Charles sat astounded; "What people don’t know about their delicious pizza . . . .

It seemed that Driftwood was looking for material for a new book. He was headed down the coast to Zaire for that reason. Charles was returning to his African home in Bechuwanaland.

Look Drifty, I’m tired doing nothing; I want to get back to work—action is what I need.

"Well, Charles, Old Boy, I’ll get into some and maybe get you involved; a new book about you, eh. How about that?

Charles, do you know what comes to mind at this moment? I’m seeing our Grand Reunion in your parent’s home in England, with all of your friends.

Yes, Drifty, that was great, wasn’t it? A real fine time we had with all of them. I’m glad that you dropped in like you did; that was astonishing to all. You know, we keep in touch; I’m hoping to see them again once I get back to work. I called Schultz at the mine a few hours ago. I want him to meet me at the port. He tells me that Gunga and the boys are doing fine.

But see, Dear Reader; who is Schultz? Who is Gunga? What about Charles’ parents and home, in England? Well, they’re in the other book, the first book. You don’t have that book? Well, you need to have that book, and guess what? I can tell you how to get it.

Unfortunately, you have not yet been introduced to Charles’ uncle, the fabulous Schultz, Gunga and his other friends. Fortunately, though, your misfortune can be happily rectified into becoming good fortune; this, by procuring from your local bookshelf the volume mentioned. That acquisition would certainly be for your good fortune; it would overcome your present, lamentable, misfortune.

Now, this is just a suggestion, of course; to sort of help you on your way to a better understanding of the thrilling adventure that anxiously awaits you.—Your always helpful, Drifty.

"But, Dryfuss, do you know what he was doing? Schultz was out back practicing swinging through the trees with the Orangutans. Of course, he has that natural ability from birth due to the early training he received from his famous grandfather, Jungle Johnny. I could even hear his heavy huffing and puffing over the phone, Dryfuss. He tells me that everything is fine at the mine, even though they did get a little behind. But now everything’s back on line, which of course, is a very good sign. In the last few weeks they have mined a few diamonds of a somewhat superior kind.

I asked him how many Orangutans were around. As you might expect, he answered eight or nine, so as to rhyme, of course, with the above last line.

Driftwood just listened and smiled; he very well knew the strange workings of his friend’s mind.

So things look very good, Dryfuss. He’ll be waiting for me when we dock down along the Ivory Coast, which is just south of the Gold Coast, and north of the Barbary Coast.

Next morning, they took a brisk walk around deck. Doing so, they took note of the layout of the ship. The note that they took revealed that the Captain’s Quarters were located on the upper deck, just above the Poop Deck.

Poop Deck: Another note that I wish to provide is for some of our Readers who may be sensitive, or chicken livered about the use of certain words like Poop. A knowledgeable student of English literature well knows that in seafaring terms the Poop Deck was a weather station, or superstructure, at the stern of the ship.

The author feels that this brief explication is necessary so that some readers do not impute any wrong thinking.

Thank you, you may now, please, go on; being assured of the Author’s clean-mindedness and integrity.

—A morally concerned, Driftwood

As they passed under the bridge, an argument was heard coming from the pilothouse. The captain’s loud voice was heard complaining: something like . . . . You—Jesepe Piloto, how-a you driv-a de ship? You suppos-ed a driv-a de ship straight, no a up-a an-a down-a, upa an-a down-a! You crazy, or some-ting, Piloto?

The little guy was red faced and shouted back at his captain. Look-a, Fula-Balony, let-a mi driv-a de ship. I’m-a de piloto, no a you! Da ship-a go up-a and down-a because-a de water go up-a an down-a, Capitan-e Fula-Balony, eh!

And so it went on as Charles and Driftwood passed under the bridge.

Well, they spent their days together on the high seas reminiscing and planning the future. In the interim they met some of the other passengers. The ship had a list of passengers that was mighty big. There was the very pleasant Mr. and Mrs. Winfred B. Crumb, bakery magnet, back in Cheesecake, Ohio. Orville T. Oilfield made millions in the crude; also had investments in Amalgamated Aluminum.

Then, there was the bright, young, English country couple on their honeymoon, Billy and Biggy Barns. They were just bubbly, bursting with bits of excitement and joy, as they bounced, briskly by.

During one afternoon, reclining on the deck chairs that were conveniently located on the deck; Driftwood