In Jesus’ Sleeping Quarters:: A Father's Journey Through His Daughter's Illness

By Valter Valença

In Jesus Sleeping Quarters is the journey of a father in search of answers to his daughters untimely death. It is a realization that other parents have traveled the same road and that sharing this story may help others to cope with their loss as well.

The memories of her life during her illness are often excruciating to a father who struggled with the lack of power to make her whole. He and his wife still discuss the events of those days that are imprinted in his mind.

Throughout the book, he carries on a day at a time, reconstructing and analyzing his lack of knowledge and power to cure his daughters illness. He travels through memories from the time she was a young lady to the time she took her last breath. He recalls how happy she was when she got married. He thinks about the time she became a mother and how much she cared for her sons. He remembers the day his wife called him at work and gave him the bad news that Tina had cancer of the tongue. He marvels at his daughters determination to overcome her illness all the way to the end of her life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490861616

Valter Valença

Valter Valença immigrated to the United States in 1967. He married Linda, and together they had two children, David and Cristina, or Tina. He is a registered professional engineer with the State of Maryland. His first book, entitled Living in God’s Battlefield! How Will I Survive?, was published in 2005.

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 Valter Valença.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6160-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6159-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6161-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014957860

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/03/2014

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgement

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 June 11, 1999

Chapter 2 Dear Dad

Chapter 3 The Memory And Hope Chests

Chapter 4 I Knew Something Was Wrong

Chapter 5 Be Anxious For Nothing

Chapter 6 The Words On The Small Yellow Pad

Chapter 7 Do You Think Dad Will Say Yes?

Chapter 8 When Is The Due Date?

Chapter 9 Tina, We Have To Do This Quick

Chapter 10 But The Mountain Was Much Higher Than I Realized

Chapter 11 I Was Too Angry To Say Another Word

Chapter 12 I Am Doing Fine, Dad

Chapter 13 What Else Could Go Wrong?

Chapter 14 The Trip To La Cross, Wisconsin

Chapter 15 We Were All In Denial

Chapter 16 Tina Nodded As Tears Rolled Down Her Face

Chapter 17 Tina, What Are You Doing?

Chapter 18 The Nurses Of The Third Floor Cried

Chapter 19 June 12, 1999

Epilogue

Dedication

This book is dedicated

To the memory of my daughter

Cristina Leigh Valenca (Miller)

(December 21, 1972 - June 12, 1999)

I shall ever be grateful for the time I had with my daughter on this earth. We did not always agree with each other, especially when she was on her teens, but from that disagreement, surfaced a relationship that will always be a jewel in my heart. Her determination to succeed in life, to be a caring mother, a loving wife, and a trusting daughter, are inside of my memory chest, printed on the roadmaps we travelled together.

I travelled through her life, through her illness, and through the last hours, she spent here on earth. She rested, and I continue my travels. When the end comes, and we are both found resting on Jesus sleeping quarters, at His call we will be reunited again.

Acknowledgement

Family and friends,

Never did I imagine writing a book such as this one. Many of the material are from emails you wrote. In them are your prayers, your concerns, and most important, your love. I wrote this book with those who lost loved ones in mind. However, it would not have been possible had I not kept a record of your emails.

I am eternally grateful for your kindness. You demonstrated it so strongly when we were travelling such a difficult road in our lives. Many of you stood by our side, as if guiding us through the potholes. You were God sent to us in a period we found ourselves at the bottom of the barrel. When there was almost nothing left in our spirits, you were there to replenish us. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

A special thanks to Linda, my wife, though difficult for her, she was willing to read and make many corrections on the book. Also to Penny Wheeler for taking time of her busy schedule to edit the book.

Valter Valença

Preface

In Jesus’ Sleeping Quarters, is a journey I would never dream of traveling, a journey through the toughest years of my daughter’s life. Growing up in Brazil, I only knew God from the stories my older brother told us. As difficult as it was for me to write about my daughter’s cancer, and her falling asleep so early in her life, it was just as difficult to understand why God allowed being so. Though it is said that ‘time heals all wounds,’ it does not take away the scars, the memories, and the desire to connect once more with my daughter. Simple sores in her mouth turned out to be a devastating cancer. A year with full of good news, ended leaving us searching for answers. My lack of know how to cure her, hunted me. The separations from my wife during my daughter’s illness were the loneliest times of my life. I do not know how we would be able to hold on to each other, had it not be for God’s presence. God gave us no answers to our questions as to why Tina had to suffer, but He was only a prayer away. I have many quotes from the words of God, mostly from the New King James Version (NKJV), and from the New International Version (NIV.)

He is my God, and I know that when the time comes, I will have the answers to all my questions without me saying a word. I survived the journey through my daughter’s illness with Him by my side. He paved the way for my head to lean on the shoulders of my family, and my friends. Many of which are not mentioned on the book, but nor forgotten. No. Always in my thankful heart.

Since my daughter fell asleep, I often wondered about other parents coping with their losses. The loss of a loved one. It is with them in mind that I put this book together, in the hopes that they will find comfort in the God who has all the answers, and know how much we can handle, and on the shoulders of family and friends. I thought I knew what I went through, God knows. I think I know what I am going through, God knows. I think I know what I will go through, God knows. Yes. God knows, and in Him, I can place my trust, regardless of the outcome.

In the book of Isaiah it is written these words of comfort, Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10, NKJV).

Introduction

I believe in God!

I believe with all my heart that In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth (Gen.1:1, NIV). For me to believe in God, I must also believe in His words. God’s Word tells me that God created. In God’s book, the Bible, we find His words.

I am a Christian. The God of the Bible is my God. He is the creator of heaven and earth. He is the creator of my world.

My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw the substance, being yet unformed (Ps. 139:15, 16, NKJV). My God is omnipresent. Wherever I go, God is there. He is always next to me, even when I do not know that He is.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me, You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it (Ps. 139:1-6, NKJV). My God is Omniscient.He knows everything about my life. Nothing has happened to me that He does not know. He knew me even before I was conceived in my mother’s womb.

God saw everything that he made, and indeed, it was very good (Gen. 1:31, NRSV).

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying; There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said, ‘Behold, I make all things new.’ And He said to me, ‘Write, for these words are true and faithful.’ And He said to me, ‘It is done! I am the alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be my son’ (Rev. 21:4-7, NKJV).

My God is omnipotent. The world He created for me is a beautiful world. He has manifested His power in my life. The tears I have shed, He will wipe them away from my eyes. He will make all things new, and there shall be no more sorrow, and no more death.

In the book of Luke my God tells me Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you (Luke 11:9, NIV). I am assured that when I ask, my God gives me, not necessarily, what I think is the best for me, but what God knows is best for me. I am certain that when I seek, I find not necessarily, what I want to find, but what God knows is what I truly seek. I am certain that when I knock, the door opens, but not necessarily, the door I wanted, but the door God knows is best to me. The misconception that God will give me whatever I ask of Him, or help me to find whatever I seek, or open any door on which I knock, is replaced with the knowledge, presence, and power of the Almighty God. There are times when my God says NO. There are times—and often—when I ask my God WHY? Yet, God’s infinite knowledge assures me that I do not need to know the reasons why. I trust my God. I choose to accept His judgment, and I choose to comfort myself that where I go, my God is there, for though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for [He is] with me (Psalm 23:4, NIV).

I cannot think of Psalm 23 without thinking of Tina for Psalm 23 was one of my daughter’s favorite chapters in the Bible. When Tina fell asleep at the age of 26, God was there. God heard many prayers on her behalf, but the outcome did not change. Why? I do not know, but my God does. I do not understand, but God does. He tells me, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6, 7, ESV).

Tina’s full name was Cristina Leigh Valenca, but we called her Tina since the day she was born, December 21, 1972. She was our daughter, our little girl. She was David’s sister. She was Marlon’s wife. She was Preston’s, and Paul’s mother. She was a granddaughter, a niece, an aunt, and a friend. Most important, she was one of God’s precious children.

On June 12, 1999, Tina fell asleep in Jesus’ sleeping quarters. I did not understand why. So many prayers were sent to God, yet His answer was NO. It would be so easy to blame Him, and deny His existence. It would be easier to run away from a loving God. Why would a loving God let my daughter die? I had no answers. I remember that Jesus, before He died for the sins of humankind, spent some hours praying in the garden of Gethsemane, at the foot of Mount of Olives near Jerusalem. Jesus begged God, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 26:39, ESV). I, too, begged my heavenly Father that, if possible, let that cup pass from my daughter; nevertheless, not as my willed, but as His willed. Jesus understood His Father’s will; I did not. For Tina’s sake, Jesus died on the cross so that He will resurrect her unto eternal life. For only through Jesus, can Tina rise from the dead.

The cancer that Tina fought so hard to overcome took her life when she was just 26 years old. She was young, her life filled with responsibilities. For a year and a half, she battled the cancer, hoping and praying to survive. Family, friends, and people I never met prayed that God would spare her life. However, God said no. Tina passed away leaving behind her husband of six years, her older son Preston, age 3, and her younger son Paul, age 18 months. Tina fell asleep as God’s will, not ours. The apostle Paul says I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Galatians 2:20). I believe, like Paul, Tina died with Christ. Jesus lived in Tina. The life she lived in the flesh she lived by faith in Jesus, who loved her, and gave Himself for her.

Seldom a day goes by that I do not think of Tina. Seldom do I recall her memories without wondering why she had to die. The years do come and go, the wounds are no longer there, but the scars remain buried deep in my soul. I walked through the difficult years of her life. I climbed the hills, and the mountains. I walked through the valleys of my daughter’s illness. I prayed, I cried, and often I asked God why. I do not know the answer but God does, and that is enough for me. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son that whoever believe in Him should not perish, but have eternal life (John 3:16).

Tina will rise from her sleep in Jesus’ sleeping quarters on the glorious day of Jesus’ appearance. When Jesus lifts her up, she will be dressed in a robe of righteousness fitted for eternal life. I know because Jesus says so. Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going (John 14:1-4, ESV).

I may never understand why Tina’s life on this earth was so short, but I know she will rise on the resurrection day. Paul said to the Thessalonians, "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since, we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, ESV).

Time goes on, and as long as I am alive, memories of Tina will surface from time to time. There will always be memories of joy, of sadness, of good times, and bad times. I will talk, I will laugh, and I will cry at the memories that will rise within me. I will wonder why. Yet I know that at the sound of the trumpet, at the shout from heaven, with the voice of the archangel, at that very moment, all the whys in the world, all the questions I have, will be answered right there and then. I will have no reason, no doubt, no questions as to why what happened on this earth, this sinful earth, to me, and to my loved ones who abided in Jesus, happened the way it did. God will answer everything I want to ask of Him in a blink of an eye.

I love summer time. It was on a sunny June day, a Sabbath day, pretty much like the summer days in Brazil. It was on that Sabbath day, on June 12, 1999, that my daughter took her last breath. As much as I love summer, June 12, 1999, was one of the saddest summer days of my life.

I only tolerate U.S. winters. When I came from Brazil, I did not know what winter was like in America. I did not know what winter was like in Maryland. What I knew of snow was what I had seen in the movies—it was white, and fluffy. In the town of Pernambuco, where I was born, cold weather meant 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Skating meant a pair of shoes with four wheels on each shoe.

As much as I tolerate winter, Tina was born on a cold winter day. December 21, 1972, was one of the best days of my life.

Cristina Leigh Valenca Miller, our little girl, David’s little sister, came into the world on that winter day. She was that missing puzzle piece that completed our perfect family of four. She made it beautiful for us.

Time passes. Years go by, and I still miss you, Tina!

CHAPTER 1

June 11, 1999

Saturday evening. I set the coffee maker to begin brewing at eight o’clock the next morning. I do this on the weekends so that I do not have to fix the coffee when I get up the next day. This way the coffee is ready and hot when I am ready to eat breakfast. I like my coffee hot, not burning hot, but hot. I get in bed, watch TV for a while, and pray with my wife before I turn to go to sleep. It is close to 11:00 p.m.

Sundays come quickly. At least it seems that way to me. Out of bed, I study my Sabbath school lesson and get ready to eat. I fix a bowl of cereal and take it with my coffee mug to the sunroom. Linda is still in bed. I sit there eating my breakfast and thinking about the past once more. I have always enjoyed thinking about the good times. Since Tina passed away, the bad times have a way of sneaking into my head as well. I try to think of her during the good times as I lean back on the chair.

I look out through the window and outside the temperature is far from being inviting. The sunroom heater is working hard to keep the space warm and even so, I am wearing a long sleeve pullover, a shirt and a tee shirt to keep comfortable. On the coffee table, my Bible is open to the book of Romans. I pick it up and read, "Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." (Romans 6:3_4, ESV). I read it as I think about my daughter Tina. Her baptism took place when she was about twelve years old in the Silver Spring Seventh-Day Church. Pastor Randall, in the same church where Linda and I got married, baptized her. I think about her baptism and I can almost see her stand in front giving her testimony before going into the baptistery. That day she went to the grave with Jesus so that she will resurrect from the dead by the glory of God. Now, she is asleep in Jesus’ sleeping quarters. She is waiting for the day when she will walk in newness of life.

I sip my cup of coffee and I feel the emptiness of life without her. I miss Tina. Her dreams and goals perished with her and I can hardly understand the reason why. The years have come and gone, and behind them are the thoughts of what could be if she was still around. The thought of her sitting with me in the sunroom ravishes my brain.

On June 11, 1999, addressing the Wright State University School of Medicine’s graduating class, David Satcher, MD, PhD, and the sixteenth surgeon general of the United States, recalled, I said when I was sworn in as Surgeon General and Assistant Secretary for Health February a year ago that the American dream does not end when it comes true for you. You must make it come true for others. And I still believe that. (US Department of Health and Human Research.)

"The American dream," I thought after a long pause trying to understand the American dream as defined by Dr. Satcher. How can I define the American dream? I believe only the dreamer can define the American dream. Each based on their own goals in life. We have different dreams. I make a distinction between dreams and goals. To me dreams are those desires in my life that I would love to achieve someday and goals are the plans I have placed in motion. My dreams are the ones I hope one day will become my goals. Moreover, yes, I hope my goals do not end when it comes true for me. I like to think that they will become avenues by which others can realize their goals as well.

While the American dreams and goals began for the graduating class of 1999, as noted by Doctor Satcher in his address on that June 11 day, the American dreams and goals were ending for a very special person in my life, my daughter Cristina Leigh Miller, or Tina as we affectionately called her. The goals she accomplished in her life had made ways for others to formulate their dreams and realize their goals as well, and that I have no doubt about. She was far from being a perfect person just like all of humanity. Paul in his book to Timothy says, This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.(1 Timothy 1:15, NKJV). Tina’s baptism represented her salvation through Jesus Christ, her savior.

One of Tina’s goals was to become a mother. She did that twice before losing her battle to an incurable disease. After three years of marriage, on April 30, 1996, she delivered a healthy baby boy. Tina and Marlon named him after Marlon’s father, Preston. Preston Lane Miller is also my first grandchild. On January 09, 1998, Tina delivered her second child prematurely so that she could have an operation. He was also a healthy baby boy. Again, they named their child after Marlon’s father, William.

William Paul Miller is my third grandchild. We first called him Paw Paw, but little by little, we started calling him by his middle name Paul. Unfortunately, Tina never saw the fulfillment of her goals of being a mother, and bringing up her boys to manhood together with Marlon, her husband of six years.

I pick up the Bible from the coffee table and I turn it to the book of John. I can’t wait for the day we are together again, I think of Tina as I read, Verily, verily, I say unto you, the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live ( John 5:25, NKJV). Tina’s goals and dreams on this earth perished with her. With her went the assurance of a Savior whose power will bring her forth from the grave and when that happens, I will see Tina again.

I think back to 1999. June 11 fell on a Friday that year. From the end of 1997 to mid-1999, our lives turned upside down. Trying to understand what the doctors told us during Tina’s illness was not as simple as it appeared. I realize now that I lacked the knowledge and the expertise to fit their explanations in my head. I know I lived that time with the absence of knowledge. I am sure I needed it, but the events that, one after another slammed Tina’s life, clouded my mind. If I had to make any sense of what the doctors were saying I needed a clear mind, and I did not have it. If Tina was to make any sense of everything the doctors were telling her, she needed a clear mind, at least to have her last wishes come true. We all needed clear minds if, for no other reason, to take away the pain and suffering Tina was going through by being mentally present for her. Not knowing how to cure Tina, return her to care for her family, especially Preston and Paul, drove me crazy. It drove all of us crazy. It was all in the hands of the doctors. I was walking through a place and time where the light of knowledge was absent. The only sanity and comfort I found was through prayers, in the arms, and on the strong shoulders of our family and friends.

Sitting in the sunroom, I think about the events of 1997 through 1999. I lacked the knowledge of what I needed to do. I knew that God was present in my life, for I had never experienced such large arms and shoulders as the arms and shoulders of our families and friends. I needed them, and I needed them badly. They did not fail me and I was able to walk through those dark days of my life, those dark days of Tina’s life.

From the sunroom, I look into the dining room and imagine that Tina is sitting at the dining room table. It is an attempt to erase those dark memories but I fail, as the memories are too strong to forget. If I had known how dark those days would be, I would rather not have walked through them, except that I would do so for Tina’s sake. If I felt this way, then how difficult it must have been for my Lord and Savior. He knew that night in the garden of Gethsemane the sacrifice He was ready to make for our sins on the cross. Matthew said, Again, a second time He (Jesus) went away, and said in prayer, O my Father, if this may not go from me without my taking it, let your pleasure be done (Matthew 26:42, Bible in Basic English).

Oh Tina, how I wish you were here with us today, I think. In my memory chest, I see June 11, 1999. Tina was in the hospital for the last four weeks of her life. Linda stayed with her for the most part. That Friday of June 11, 1999, we were at the hospital early in the morning. We wanted to persuade the doctor and the woman from social services to keep Tina on the third floor where she was well cared. Earlier that week they tell us,

Tina will go to the eighth floor. The insurance will no longer pay for her to stay on the third floor. We could see the fear in Tina’s eyes. She wanted to stay where she was for she knew that the eighth floor was for the dying.

Hospice was in charge of the eighth floor and we understood why Tina did not want to go there. Though her hopes of a miracle had dimmed, they would remain alive in her heart until her last breath. Death was not in her vocabulary, even when the odds were virtually nil to none. Her desire to live